Kaley J.

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I'm proud of myself.  Today was a good day as far as eating goes.  I totally got myself back on track.  Honestly I think what helped was going back to work and getting back into my weekday routine.  So I am very proud and pleased.

Right now I am a little mad at myself because today has just been totally off in terms of food and this late in the day I'm not sure how to get it back on track.  I drove home from Cincinatti starting at 7:00 am this morning and it takes me about 3 hours to get from there to home.  I didn't eat the healthy breakfast I had planned on before leaving and it just went downhill from there.  Here's what my day looked like food-wise:

7:10 am in the car - a small apple and 1 c. mini frosted wheats

8:30 am in the car - a bag of turtle chex mix, 1/2 bag of combos, 16 oz juice

2:30 pm at home - 4 dill pickles, lean cuisine mac and cheese

6:00 pm at home - 4 pickels, 6 oz. bag of veggie chips, 8 oz milk

Not exactly the healthiest day, nor did I meet my goals related to eating at regular times.  I think to get myself back on track I'm going to take a walk for my 9 minutes and have a snack of some grapes and milk before going to bed.  I just feel like kicking myself because this is the worst day I've had in a long time and I just totally let it get away from me.

I had my appointment with the nutritionist and I was worried for nothing.  She said I am doing very well and she said that it was okay to stay at walking for 9 minutes for now because of my knees.  That's a relief.  I was feeling very pressured and worried but it was all for nothing.  I also have lost 3 more pounds so now I am 355 and only have 60 more pounds to lose.  I was talking to one of my friends about that and she said that maybe (if I continue to lose like I have been losing) I won't need the surgery.  I don't think I'll change my mind about having the surgery though, especially if I lose the 60 more pounds I need to lose before having it.  See, the thing is, it is very difficult what I am doing and I know that on my own I will not be able to sustain it long term, and that's my concern - the long term.  Health-wise I know the weight has to stay off long-term.  I think my best shot at having a longer and healthier life is going to be surgery, even once I lose the weight that is required of me to get the surgery.  Because I've lost weight before (up to 60 pounds I think) and every time it has come right back with more on top of it.

8/21/07
Well, tomorrow I have my monthly visit with my nutritionist.  Truth be told I'm a little nervous because I am afraid she won't think I've done well enough this month.  This is probably just worry on my part and not based in reality but it still sucks.  I am also concerned about whether or not I should tell her about the trouble my knees have been giving me when walking.  I know I need to probably not increase my walking time any more until I've lost more weight and my knees are more stable but I am afraid that she will think I don't want to try and give a bad report to my surgeon.  Probably also just worry on my part but still.  The thing is I am actually very frustrated with the fact that I am having so much trouble walking longer distances.  I used to hate to exercise and a lot of the time I still don't have a lot of motivation to do it even now, but I do it and when I do it I like it.  I think I'm frustrated because I am judging myself about my stamina and comparing myself to other, "normal," people.  Maybe if I could stop doing that I would be less frustrated with myself.

8/20/07
I am so proud of myself!  I just took my 9 minute walk even though I really didn't want to.  And I feel good about having done it!  Yay me!  See, my nutritionist has been increasing my walking time by two minutes every month - from 5 minutes 3 times a week now up to 9 minutes a day three times a week.  I go in to see her in 2 days for my monthly appointment and she is probably going to increase it by 2 more minutes (by any more and I'd probably freak out and not do it at all).  I'm not sure how much more I am going to be able to increase it though because by the end of 9 minutes my knees are wobbly and I don't want to fall or damage my knees (especially while I'm at this weight).  Oh well, I'm not going to worry about it because I did it today and tomorrow is another day.

8/19/07
This has nothing to do with my weight loss journey but I want to share it because it is 12:40 in the morning and I have just spent the last few hours dealing with the police.  Some kids apparently decided it would be fun to throw rocks (the size of my fist) at my car that I just bought used 2 months ago.  They damaged my paint but none of them are owning up to it and are blaming it on another kid who they are refusing to identify.  And the police aren't doing a thing!  They took statements from my neighbors (who saw it happen and yelled at the kids) and they took pictures of my car damage and the large rocks on the ground beside my car.  They said they've done everything they can to get the information out of the kids and that they'll let me know if they dig up anything more but basically what it amounts to is I am going to have to shell out money I don't have to fix my car so it doesn't rust when winter comes.  I am so supremely frustrated!  I did nothing to these kids and they thought it would be fun to ruin my car!  Augh!  Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.  On the positive side: I don't want to binge right now and normally something like this would have sent me spiraling into the food.

8/16/07
I have lost two more pounds this last week!  Now I am only 8 pounds away from meeting my first goal I set for myself!

8/12/07
Well, I have officially been psychologically approved for surgery by the psychologist who did my psych testing and interview.  Yay!  One more hurdle down!

8/9/07
I got weighed today at my therapist's office (I don't own a scale anymore) and I am down 8.1 pounds in 7 days.  I'm not quite sure how that happened, maybe the thyroid medicine finally kicked in or I lost a lot of water weight.  But hey, I'm not complaining.  Now I only have 65 more pounds to lose before I can have the surgery.   Yay!!

8/6/07
I talked to Dr. Myers' office today to find out how much the Weight Loss Solutions is going to cost me and they said it depends on what kind of program they put me on but it will be a maximum of $42 per week.  For 12 weeks that would put it at $504.  I'm trying to look at this as a neccesary evil but still, that's a lot of money.  But it's what I have to do to get to where I can have the surgery.

8/3/07
Well, I found out what my surgeon meant by doing a partial.  Basically he would do a gastric sleeve where instead of creating a small pouch like in the Roux-en-Y procedure he would make a sleeve and remove the rest of my stomach...  he would not mess with the intestines.  Once I lost enough weight from that procedure he would go back in and do the Roux-en-Y.  I explained to him that my major concern is losing the 79 pounds by next June, which is when I want to have the surgery (I'm a teacher so I can't do it during the school year).  I have historically had little success with losing weight.  So he wants me to come back in September, after he gets back from his vacation, and get started on Weight Loss Solutions for 12 weeks.  I had never heard of that before but apparently it is a liquid diet of supplements.  He thinks that would help get me well on my way.  Frankly, I'm willing to try just about anything.  So come September I will not be eating any solid foods except one little bar thing a day.  That's going to be weird - no chewing.

7/31/07
Well, my appointment to talk to my surgeon is in two days.  Hopefully he will clarify these issues and I will be able to stick with him rather than have to find another surgeon.  My surgeon of choice has a really good success rate through his program and has lower than average death/complication rates.  Plus he is pretty sensitive about the issues related to being super-morbidly obese.

7/29/07
I am trying to get a second opinion from another surgeon because the surgeon I have been dealing with is wanting me to lose 79 pounds before he'll do the surgery.  I want to get the Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass.  He says that if I find I can't lose the weight he can go in and do a partial and finish it a year later after I've lost some weight.  I don't understand that!  Nothing I've read about Roux-en-Y indicated that you can do it part-way.  Not to mention I can't afford two surgeries given that my insurance won't cover anything.  Ugh!  I am so frustrated!  I have an appointment to talk to my surgeon to get him to explain this but I am supremely confused and irritated.  A friend of mine had her surgery (with another doctor) at 566 pounds so I don't see what the problem is.