Two and half year update!

Jul 27, 2013

Wow, cannot believe it has been since January when I last updated.  Lot's going on this year.  Kid's senior year of high school - one did great, the other not so well....I have been separated from the hubby since last October and have agreed not to file the paperwork until next month as I wanted him to have insurance and the ability to work out his issues.  I am learning to let go -- somewhat....Never knew that I was a co-dependent person.  I always had this vision of me as independent and strong -- and, I am to some extent but boy am I unhealthy when it comes to relationships!  I don't think I will date for a very long time and I certainly do not want to get married again.  I did make some big girl decisions on my own -- bought a Jeep and a house, enrolled the youngest in private school and have really been focused on rebuilding my life with some safety, security, and stability.  The three S's.  I have maintained my weight throughout this process.  I weighed in this morning at 129 lbs.  Not too shabby!  I am doing what I have described on here a thousand times....following the rules.  I do have a twist to the story.  I have a side effect from surgery.  I now have reactive hypoglycemia.  Supposedly doesn't happen often but can happen with patients who do not have type 2 diabetes and have the R&Y procedure.  It started 5 months ago and it was scary.  I was in a car rental bus when all of a sudden I broke out in a sweat, got very dizzy, nauseous, and felt like I was going to pass out.  Instinctively I knew to go to the vending machine to get crackers and water.  It happened a few more times and I started researching what it was.  I didn't go to the doctor but I had been around my husband enough to recognize the signs of low blood sugar.  It's ok -- at least I will be forced to keeps my carbs lower and be very aware of my food intake even as my body adjusts to allow more food.  Still can't eat raw veggies or salad.  I tried eating half of a salad and was so ill within 20 minutes.  Nothing like negative reinforcement to keep me in check.  We shall see how the rest of the year goes.  Life is funny --- God has been good and he has watched over me.  I know he continues to work in my life and I pray I can do the right thing in his honor.  God bless and keep losing out there!


2 Years Post Op!

Jan 12, 2013

Two years ago I was recovering from surgery and figuring out this new way of life!  Eating was so hard, managing the pills/vitamins with all that water was atrocious!  It seemed like brain surgery to manage all of it in a 24 hour period.  Trying new foods and dropping weight but still feeling sluggish -- Those first few months were tough but well worth it!  I am a different person two years later -- and I am still in a discovery of "kelly" phase.  This surgery was a life saver -- physically and mentally I am strong.  Emotionally, I am getting there -- it's not perfect and I hid my emotions with my eating for years and years so I don't expect to just change all that in two years when it took me a 30 years to get here.   Therapy has been helping and I still continue to go.  My progress is just that, progress -- moving forward -- not giving up.  

Ok, so for those that are considering surgery and just now seeing this post -- I know you want the "meat" of what 2 years does with this surgery:

Start weight - 260

Todays weight - 127

Start size - 22

Todays size - small/4

Original goal -- 140   (met within 11 months, but continued to lose down to 132 lbs for next 11 months, now at 127 with lowest weight being 124)

How did I get there and have maintained?  I followed the diet plan given to me almost to the letter for the first year -- I didn't exercise a lot but I am extremely active.  Water and protein are my friends -- sugar still makes me sick (Thank you Lord) -- No carbonated drinks AT ALL!!  No beer, no diet coke, nothing but coffee, water, wine.  I hardly ever eat fast food - yuck!  I eat off of a salad plate to keep portion control -- sometimes my hunger is much bigger than my pouch!  Water is awesome -- I drink around 80 oz per day.  

Body differences -- I need surgery.  I look great in clothes but I look like a 60 year old lady naked (no offense to 60 year old women) -- I probably am worse than that -- The problem areas are my lower belly, my boobs, and my butt.  All those places you want to look good!  My face is good for the most part since I have strong bone structure but I could do with a little filler around the mouth area as it sags a bit.  

Mentally/emotionally -- I am stronger than before.  I don't take too  much from people like I used to.  I feel more confident and I smile more.  I still have a lot of work in this area though.  This is truly where I am trying to find who "I" am.  It's a journey I guess will be never ending but hopefully soon I will know more of "me".  Hard to explain.

Marriage -- we are getting divorced.  It has nothing to do with the surgery or what I went through over the last two years.  We had issues way before my surgery.  There were no other parties and in fact, we remain very good friends.  If anything, I think my surgery helped me deal with the situation that I ultimately faced.  I was strong enough to keep it together, deal with the trauma, support my kiddo's, and still be there for him somewhat.  Life happens....

Me -- I am going to make a bucket list for 2013 -- I am going to explore this new way of life.  God willing, I will learn to have more acceptance and give myself some peace in life.  

That's my two year update -- God bless you all -- thank you for allowing me to share my experience -- keep losing out there!


Fall Update

Nov 09, 2012

Well, it's fall and I remember last year I was heading to goal weight.  It's crazy to think that in a month it will have been two years since surgery!  How my life has changed!  For the good, for the bad, it's still life, even when skinny.  Ok, so here's where I am -- I have actually lost weight these last few months.  I weigh now 125 lbs.  --- CRAZY to think since my goal weight was 140 lbs.  I will say that the recent loss has been due to stress and I do need to gain back those six pounds at some point.  I feel bones and it's a weird feeling.  I am a size S or a 4 -- never in a million years did I think that would happen!  I have more clothes than I know what to do with and I get to wear my dream clothes -- always imagined wearing jeans, boots, and cozy, cute sweaters and looking good!  Love dressing up and going to parties -- went to my brother in law's wedding in September and wore a fitted silver off one shoulder dress that was amazing!  I felt like a princess!  Now, there are some things to remember about this surgery.  I have found that the study they did on drinking too much in the second year is true.  I had found myself having wine every night to unwind or go to sleep.  Previous to surgery, I could not drink too much as my body had it's own stopping signal where the drink would all of sudden taste awful and I would stop.  Not now, instead I have found that I want more after a glass or two and that is not good.  So, watch the alcohol use.  I have never been prone to anything more than social drinking but I could see a habit starting to form.  On to eating,  I still eat small meals throughout the day and do protein as much as possible with fruits and veggies as tolerated.  I have been living with a lot of stress over the last three months so eating has not been my priority.  

I still take my supplements and vitamins.  Trying to keep healthy is important.  The home life has gone through drastic upheaval and I am now a single mom of three kiddo's.  The hubby has gone through so much himself and has had a breakdown of sorts.  Didn't even realize to what extent until recently.  I still love him a lot but have come to the conclusion that I cannot be responsible for him.  It's been hard but a long time coming.  So, just losing weight and looking good doesn't stop life from happening.  Therapy is essential in this process -- coping with life isn't about mac n cheese anymore and neither is about wine.  It's about learning healthy ways to keep the stress at bay.  I have found in the last few weeks walking to the park with my little one and the dog helps me.  Projects around the house helps me.  Writing in my new journal helps too.  And always, God and faith give me hope.  That's my update for now.  Keep losing out there and God Bless YOU!


Summer Update

Jul 27, 2012

Hello -- I have been thinking of my friends here on OH and wondering how everyone is doing.  This summer has been going by so quick!  I thought I would take a minute to update.  My weight is 132 lbs and I have been below goal (140) since last November.  I do give myself a range of five lbs -- 130 to 135 to fluctuate but I actually gained up to 137 this summer.  I know it doesn't sound a lot but it put into perspective how I need to monitor my eating/drinking.  I started working out in the pool at night and quickly lost the 5 lbs to get back in range.  I know from lots of experience how weight can all of sudden be put back on and I went through way too much to let that happen.  I still count my protein and keep track of my water.  I use my scale as a guide to what I eat that day.  It may sound obsessive but I weigh 2x a day.  In the morning I weigh to see where I am in my range.  If I am low on the scale, then I can eat some carbs or be ok with going out to eat.  If I am high on the scale, then I cut back on my carbs and do protein.  It really has worked for me.  In the afternoon I check my weight because that is actually when I "lose" weight.  It's weird but I am always higher in the morning than afternoon.

 I am still carbonated free -- no cokes, beer, or anything with carbonation.  I don't even miss anymore.  I can eat a bit more sugar but still watch it.  One time I did have two chocolate chip cookies while in an all day meeting and boy did that make me sick.  So glad to have that reaction cause those cookies were tasty.  I am starting to exercise -- in the pool and I am starting Yoga -- I then will get into weight training.  I love to "work" out now.  My body responds to fast to it.  I did not exercise while losing the weight but now I enjoy it.

The hubby is in his 4th month of his supervised diet.  I cannot wait until he has his surgery.  He is excited too.  We are still going through tough times but are working through it as best we can.  We go on vacation next week and I hope it is wonderful.  Just wanted to post -- hope you all are well.  God bless you and keep losing!

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

May 25, 2012

I cannot believe the last time I updated was in February.  I have been going non-stop and this weekend is all about rest and relaxation.  I have been traveling for business for the last 5 months and just got a new job within my company.  It has been a crazy spring.  I have maintained my weight.  I weighed in this morning at 132 lbs.  -- I actually wore a sleeveless dress last night to dinner.  That is a first in 25 years!  I hardly wore anything sleeveless when I was a teenager.  It felt great.  My brother was teasing my husband asking him if I was the new girlfriend.  I even loved having family pictures taken -- another new experience.  I am starting to get comfortable in my new body and I am learning how to deal with attention.

The hubby and I are going through another difficult patch.  I am not sure what to do or how this is going to end or begin.  He has let his diabetes go out of control.  He doesn't take his meds or eat appropriately.  He lets his sugar drop or get too high.  It affected him so badly that he is no longer in nursing school.  He is now on a wait list which is 2 or 3 years.  He is depressed and taking 6 medications a day for all of his issues.  I am trying to be supportive -- I am trying to understand but it is hard.  He doesn't want to go out or do anything -- he hardly works his part time job.  I am very concerned.  He has half heartily decided to go through the process of having surgery.  He started his 6 month diet last month.  We filled out his paperwork and went to an open house at the bariatric center where I had my surgery.  Dr. Dyer was there and he was wonderful.  He gave the hubby a free consult and talked to him about the different options for Type 2 diabetes.   The hubby was thinking he should have the sleeve so he could still eat what he wants but Dr. Dyer told him that the R&Y would be better. I keep thinking that if we get him to surgery and losing weight that he will be able to get some clarity.  I love the hubby but he is not the person I married or even close to being the person he wants to be.  I really feel that if something doesn't happen this year that we will not be able to go on together.  That is a hard thing to write.  I do not want that to happen.  I want us to be healthy and happy together.  I want for us to enjoy being around each other.  Right now we are so resentful of each other -- I am resentful of his lack of health and he is resentful of my health.

 I am going to make an appointment with the shrinkage for both of us.  I figure if we can go to therapy, work toward the hubby's surgery, and take care of what we can then maybe it will work out.   I do see now why there is more divorce with bariatric patients.  I will never regret my surgery but I will say that if I had to do it over again, I would make the hubby participate more in the process.  I never let my inability to eat something stand in the way of what he had available in the house.  I think I should have emphasized more how I needed him to eat similarly to me or exercise with me rather than thinking I should take care of myself.  I don't know....  

I do think that if he has the surgery that we would bond again.  I would walk those steps with him --- Anyway, we shall see what happens.  Say some prayers for us!  Keep losing out there and God Bless you!  God bless all those folks we are remembering this weekend.


February Update

Feb 25, 2012

All is well in my little world.  I am still maintaining my weight at 131 as of this morning.  I did see 129 for a brief moment and that was crazy as I never expected to see me in the 120's -- Maintaining is actually going very well.  I weigh myself every morning and that dictates what I eat or don't eat for the day.  I alternate at times from allowing myself carbs to only doing protein depending upon where I am in my 5lb spread.  I have been traveling for six weeks in a row for work.  I have three more weeks to go before I get a week or two home.  Eating in restaurants isn't hard.  I usually pick out seafood or fish for dinner and always have eggs for breakfast.  My indulgences are dark chocolate and red wine but I keep that at a minimum or at least make sure I have had all my water intake or not too many carbs/calories before I allow myself a treat.  

The hubby is another matter....he has gained weight this year and just found out that he is diabetic.  He is now a prime candidate for the surgery but he still thinks he can do it on his own.  We argue a bit on this subject as he thinks I should understand how addiction to food can be -- I argue back that I do understand but that is why I chose surgery as my tool because I couldn't do it on my own.  I only want him to be healthy and happy.  He is so not right now.  My dream outcome would be that he loses his weight and we can enjoy life together doing all the things that we want to do.  Right now he is always tired, frustrated, or just sits there playing his games on his iphone.  I want to be supportive but I am a little angry with him.  He knew that this was a possibility last year as the doctor told him he was pre-diabetic.  Instead of taking it seriously, he continued with his fast food runs and eating the most unhealthy food.  Now he is depressed about having to "deprive" himself and being forced into eating healthy and exercising.   Hopefully this will be a good turning point and many positive changes come about for him.  That is my prayer for him.  

Well, that is where I am today -- I am looking forward to Spring and being in the sunshine!  I feel like this is the year of change for me and my family.  Everything seems to be shifting and balancing out personally and at work.  I am excited to see what life brings to us.  

God bless you!  Keep losing!  k

One more thing....monthly weight loss log for 12 months

Jan 07, 2012

Just wanted to share the monthly loss of weight since surgery.  I had the RNY on 12/15/2010:
Date:   Weight:
12/10  260
1/11    238
2/11    220
3/11    210
4/11    196 
5/11    188
6/11    172
7/11    164
8/11    156
9/11    151
10/11  146
11/11  140
12/11  133
1/12    131

Total lost:  129  

January Update - Maintenance

Jan 06, 2012

I look back at my blog from last January and I was 100 lbs heavier last year than I am now.  It's been a good year with a lot of growth emotionally while losing my weight.  I am now 131 lbs and have lost half of my body weight.  I met my goal in November and have lost 9 lbs since then.  I am starting to get the "comments" now of looking gaunt or too skinny.  It's hard for me to move from being so focused on losing weight to maintenance eating.  I do eat three meals a day.  Yesterday I had toast for breakfast, chicken nuggets for lunch, and shrimp/chicken for dinner.  I even allowed myself to have some dark chocolate which was yummy!  I do need more protein first -- I have noticed that I am leaning towards carbs first.  I think it's a head game at times.  In the past when I have lost weight, I realize now that I would start to eat whatever and for awhile wouldn't gain weight and then almost overnight I would have packed it on.  I am trying to stay self aware.....

My shrinkage and I met this week for the first time in 6 weeks.  His first comments were about how skinny I looked.  We talked about the holidays -- during which I really didn't have a hard time with all the food.  The only thing I indulged in were some bites of my mom's homemade Cinnamon rolls but otherwise I was good.  I did have some experiences over the last few weeks that did throw me emotionally back to who I was a year ago before I started the therapy.  If you have read my blog, I have struggled with low self esteem when it comes to "who" I am.  I was not the conventional person in my family -- always the "black sheep" although my shrinkage argues this point with me.  I have felt guilt for years over choices I made in my early 20's and  I "deserved" whatever comments my family would make about me.  I accepted those comments  to make up for being so "bad".  I carried that with me professionally at times too.  Taking the blame or accepting certain behavior from people because I deserved it.  After a year of therapy, I see a lot of progress but I also see a lot more work in this area.  

I had two situations that made all of this come back and I was seriously depressed for the last few weeks.  My self worth and confidence took a huge dive.  The first situation was personal and between my sister and me.  My sister is the "perfect" one -- did everything "right" in life.  I know that is not actually the case but it is how it is perceived in my family.  In my mind I have spent the last 15 years overcoming what my family thought of me.  I have worked hard to raise my kids, provide a good home, be successful, and generally be a good person.  I really thought she saw that and recognized all the growth and improvement I had made.  We had an argument and she sent me an email afterward -- the email made me realize that she has never changed her perception of me.  No matter what I have done, I am still the same person to her and that person isn't good enough.  It made me very sad.  It also made me realize that I cannot allow someone to affect my own perception of me and I have a lot of work ahead of me to "fix" that.  

The other situation was with work.  I worked on something two years ago that benefited my company and recently it was brought up due to some invoicing issues.  My colleagues whom I was working with at that time told my boss that I did not make them aware of the situation or communicated with them.  I knew that I had but I couldn't find where I documented it.  I felt horrible and started questioning myself on what I had done.  My new boss has been very supportive but he was being told that I had done something without knowledge and out of scope.  I took that to heart and have felt like a failure --- I couldn't even get out of my bathrobe for the first three days of this week, I was so depressed.  My boss brought it up on a call with me that someone else had mentioned this situation and I felt bad that he was having to defend me.  Finally the other night I went through all my old emails that I archived and I found the mother-load -- I was able to piece together 30 emails to all the appropriate colleagues on the whole process, analysis, and decisions for this situation.  I did do the right thing.  I did communicate thoroughly to my team.  I did do the right thing for my company and our clients.  I felt so vindicated and relieved yet I wonder at my first response of taking the blame or allowing the situation to affect me so much.

The point I am trying to make and to reconcile in my head is that just because I have lost this weight and look like a totally different person, just because people respond to me now as a totally different person, I am still the same person on the inside with the same insecurities, the same "issues" --- I am learning to see them differently, to work through the issues, but my natural initial response is the same.  I believe this goes hand in hand with my eating and my weight.  This is where the emotional eating comes into play.  I feel the pull towards food -- I thank God that I can't eat a whole plate of mac n cheese b/c of my pouch but the pull, the desire to stuff my face with something "bad" for me is in my head.  So, maintenance isn't about being "done" for me.  Obviously I now need to work on my inside reactions, evaluate my responses to situations where in the past I may have accepted something as "mine" or my "fault" when I shouldn't have and stop doing that in future.  My maintenance is actually gaining real self confidence that has nothing to do with what I look like on the outside. introspective today....See, it's not all about the new clothes and new body  Well, I better go.....enough deep thoughts for me.  God Bless You!  Keep losing out there and have a great weekend.  k


Yippee Skippy...Happy Surgiversary to ME!!

Dec 16, 2011

It has been a year!!!  WOW, I cannot believe it and am so happy with how this year has been.  And, it's Christmas time....LOVE CHRISTMAS.  Ok, so here are my stats at one year post op:

Height: 5'4
Start Weight: 260 lbs
BMI:  A lot!
Size then:  22/24

Goal:  140 lbs (met 11/2/2011)

Weight today:  134 lbs
BMI:  23
Size now:  s/m tops and 4 pants 

If you noticed, I have lost six pounds in the last six weeks which means that I am still losing.  I am trying to eat "more".  I have three meals a day and my water but I think I need to add a snack.  I really am fine with where I am today and do not need to lose more weight. 

A couple of things that help me in this process:
I refuse to pick up bad habits like drinking carbonated beverages.  I have to tell you that I have not had a sip of diet coke in a year---- beer use to be my favorite after work beverage and now I have a glass of wine, vodka/tonic was a favorite for parties and again, I only have a glass of wine.  I miss my favorite beverages but it's not worth the calories or the stretching of my pouch.

I drink coffee in the AM and water all day long.  I rarely do anything fast food and if I do, it's chicken or fish without the bun.  I do indulge at times with french fries.  I do not eat any cookies, cake or candy.  I have convinced my brain that I will be deathly ill if I take a bite of anything with large amounts of sugar.  It works for me because I was a dessert queen and I need to not allow sugar indulgences as it would grow to something more than just every once in awhile.

I listened to my surgeon, period.  I didn't try to wiggle around his rules, his menu, his suggestions, etc...He got to where he is by going to school, experience, and being smart.  I got to where I was by shoving food in my mouth and feeling sorry for myself.  I had no illusions that I was smarter than my doctor therefore circumventing the process he laid out.   If I could give one piece of advice on here, it would be LISTEN TO YOUR SURGEON.  I have seen people on here who questioned everything their program and doctor told them to do, tried "alternative" solutions against their doctors orders, and then ended up being sick or having complications that lasted months. 

Therapy, therapy, and more therapy.  Still ongoing and needed.

What's it like now?  WONDERFUL!

I am very active now.  I hate to sit around.  I am up and want to move, go out, work, walk, whatever.  I just like to move.  I am not a work out person.  I hate gyms but I do love to walk, swim, and go.  It is wonderful compared to what it use to be like -- before I didn't move, hurt moving, and slept, a lot.

Love, love, love clothes, shoes, and shopping.  So much fun.  And, I am now smaller than my mother-in-law!  I was able to shop in her closet!  (let me tell you,  she has the best closet) --

Love being able to take the kiddo's swimming or hiking.  That is fun!

Love feeling "small" and feminine.  It's nice to feel like I could be scooped up by my hubby and not kill him in the process!

What do I want for the future?  Maintain and be healthy.  And, maybe some plastic surgery in the next year or so. 

So that's all folks -- Merry Christmas to you and yours.  God Bless You!!

Follow up....

Nov 05, 2011

Ok, so I wrote this whole big blog and it disappeared!  I wanted to follow up with a couple of things since I am a documentation freak as you can tell by five years worth of entries!  I am now below goal.  I weighed in at 139.  I am thinking that I will let myself lose to 135 lbs and then I won't freak out so much when I bounce around 2 to 5 lbs.  I am also setting up some new goals for me --- I am going to quit smoking and I need to exercise to gain some muscle. 

So, in follow up, here are the updates to my progress:

Beginning weight - 260
End weight today - 139
Next goal weight - 135 (whenever it happens)
Beginning size -- 22/24 and 3x
New Size -- 4/6 and medium

I went to the surgeon and met with the Nut --- they were extremely pleased with my results.  They only expected 80% of weight to be lost and I was 88%.  The blood work came out great -- whew!  I was worried about that piece.  They gave me my new maintenance meal plan.  It's weird to think of eating a sandwich or pasta, rice, corn....all the things that I have been adamant about not eating.  It was strange of thinking about not obsessing over losing weight but thinking about maintaining weight.  I will have to work on that piece. 

Bodywise, I am ok with my arms and back.  Not too shabby and I am not sure when I would ever get the change to wear something backless, but if I had to, I could --- Yeah for me on that one!  Now my butt and tummy are a different thing....My daughter says my stomach looks like a wrinkly grumpy old man frowning -- How's that for feeling sexy?  My butt is going to need some work --- I am thinking I need to get those shoes that pump your butt up!  Working out is definitely on the schedule especially if I want to have a tummy tuck in the future. 

Hair, it's coming back!!!!!!!!  I lost half my hair this summer and had to cut it all off.  Now, I have three inch sprouts all over my head.  It's pretty funny when there is static electricity in the air! 

Hubby and i are doing well since we are not putting so much emphasis on the relationship and simply letting it be.  Sometimes it's ok to let it happen and simply enjoy rather than trying to fix everything all at once.

Shopping -- well I had to go to Atlanta for training.  I was happy when they put me up a the Ritz Carlton in Buckhead.  Not only did the robe fit but there are two malls within walking distance!!  It was so nice to go shopping and not have to worry about being home for the kids or having other things to do.  I took all my catalogs with pages marked of outfits that I liked and went into the stores to try them all on!  The sales girls gave me a funny look but hey, I still have no idea what style i am or what looks right on me!  It was actually a lot of fun!  I had the most marvelous store manager in the Gap help me with jeans -- he was too funny and here I am asking him if my butt looks ok!  When he told me I needed a size 4, I think I fell in love.  In the end we had so much fun, he gave me an extra 30% off of my total purchase.  Gotta love the Gap!

Video -- in the training they video tape you for three days doing all kinds of speaking.  I had not seen myself on video or pictures since I have lost weight - at least not a full body shot.  WOW!  It was so emotional for me.  Right before my first video was to be shown, I almost started crying.  My mind was terrified of what I would see.  You know, it was ok -- I was amazed to see this young looking, almost fragile women on the screen.  I have never been fragile, ever.  It was soooo strange to realize that was me.  When I was up there being video taped I was so nervous and my mind was in chaos -- but when I looked at the tape, I was calm.  The disparity between how I felt and how I looked was a head trip.  In all the experience was valuable and it made me think.  I had a list of things to talk with the Shrinkage about....

In looking back, I have to say this was the best decision I have ever made.  I am so thankful for this surgery.  Not just for the new body, but the new me as a whole.  I am still not done deciding who that person is, but I am so grateful for the process.  I would do this a hundred times over.  I do want to say "thank you" to all the folks who have read my blogs.  It makes my day when I get a message or a note.  I love each and every one of you.  You are my brothers and sisters who know what it is like to be obese.  You all have been so helpful with your support and love back.  Thank you.  And, God Bless YOU!

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Jan 11, 2007
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