LJ1972
Is it Selfish to be tired of folks being selfish?
Feb 10, 2013
My mercy.
I know I whine a lot here. It is just me and the occasional passerby. In real life, nobody knows when I am having a bad day unless it is a BAD day, and then it is only fair to notify them to stay out of my way. Generally speaking, I am as easy and laid back as they come. If I discover I offended you by something I said or did, I will apologize and try to make it right. Usually, I spend a pretty good bit of time and energy on it (if I was in the wrong, which I usually am). But even I reach a point of "had enough". I have apologized and groveled, admitted I was wrong - if it isn't enough then I don't know what is.
The same way with if you tell me you are sad / depressed / ashamed - I will encourage and smile and reassure until it starts to make me crazy , and then enough is enough, either you will tell me or you won't. This is the situation I am in now. My trainer introduced me to someone back around August or so who was struggling after RNY. I chalked it up to the "emotional phase" and dealt with it. November I said something she misunderstood and I was stuck begging forgiveness for weeks. And I stopped. Suddenly we were ok again. Then she started the "shame wagon". I assured her I am in no place to judge anyone, considering my past. Back and forth, back and forth. Tonight I snapped. She said needed to "fill me in" but she was too scared. I told her it was up to her. She then replied she was afraid of making me angry - and that DID make me angry. I wrote back (IM) - "I have spent the last couple of months saying you are fine... not sure how else to say it?". She sent an ok sorry, that she wasn't trying to be annoying. I told her "didn't say you were... I am just at a loss... and I don't have the energy to fight it right now". She said she didn't know what I meant, so I told her I have too much stress and exhaustion on my own, I just don't have anything left to give. She replied she isn't asking for anything. I wish I could get her to understand right now she is asking for everything.
We spent most of the evening chatting back and forth about how I am struggling with my eating being out of control, not wanting to go back to the gym, being out of my anti-depressant and can't get more until payday (been 2wks and I feel the difference in my anger) etc.... I just don't have the energy for drama.
This morning when I was helping my mom, she complained that I hurt her. I would never ever intentionally hurt my mom. EVER. But she said something about me just treating her like a sack of potatoes all the time and that made me furious. Once she was settled in her recliner I left. I was so damn angry and hurt.
So venting and drama of my own... happening now:
I do not resent helping my mom. I would MUCH rather look back knowing I was around when she needed me than to wish I had helped her more. It is so hurtful that she acts like it is no big deal, that I would ever hurt her. Every day I help her up out of bed, to her recliner or wheelchair. I fetch stuff for her when she cooks. Every night I use my lunch break from work to drive to their house and help her to bed. Every night after work I go back to their house and make sure she is settled and get her some milk. I help her bathe, I change her sheets. And I would do it all 10000x more if that is what I needed to do.
sure would be nice to hear a thank you though. Or an "I know you must be exhausted, thank you for getting up to help me the same time every day, no matter what time you go to bed".
just too tired and grumpy. tomorrow is another day. Unfortunately.
I will eat too much of all the wrong things. I am not even convinced I will go to the gym. My legs are still exhausted and I know my trainer will think I am just whining. Maybe I am... maybe I am mistaking laziness for exhaustion.
I wish I could sleep for days and wake up a little more confident that this whole 18mth "journey" has been worth it.
