LJ1972

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

I am still out here... bouncing around in my weight fluctuations ( 182-189).  Trying... AGAIN... to get things under control. My life is sheer chaos and I can't get a grip on it long enough to figure out how to get rid of some of the baggage, so I just keep on keeping on.

8 months.  Oops

   I need to come back regularly. I need to track my food and exercise, my success and failures. When I rely on my memory, it fails me.

I went through another horrible depression stage in January. The spotlight was once again showing me how I don't fit in with the people who matter most to me. I was miserable and self loathing. and eating.  Then, just as I started getting my act together, I had shoulder surgery 2/27.  When I went in to surgery, the expectation was 4 week recovery. When I woke up in recovery, it was 4 weeks in a sling. A week later the physical therapist told me it would be 4 months before I could run, 6-9 months before I could swim, and 9-12 months before I could get back in the gym. I was devastated.  I did manage to talk my surgeon into letting me run some at about 6 weeks out. I am already back in the gym with restricted shoulder exercises - have been for some time.

And I weighed 190lbs tonight.  23lbs over my lowest weight and 10lbs over my goal weight.  It isn't valid - I weighed 184 2 days ago- but it is still eye opening.  190lbs.

I don't know how I am going to manage it with my current schedule and level of exhaustion, but I am going to step my gym training back up to pre-shoulder levels as much as reasonable. And I have GOT to get my eating under control.  I eat TONS, especially at night when my insomnia kicks in.

I can do this. I can.

My name is Lori, and I am a recovering food addict.  I struggle.  My mercy, do I struggle.  I don't dump and I can eat more than an RNY patient should be able to (surgeon says I am fine, but yes, I do eat a LOT).

Today hasn't been too bad. I discovered I do need to cut way back on carbs.... specifically the milk I use for protein shakes.  Oh... and the York Peppermint patties...

sigh

Trainer Tuesday

AMRAP (20 minutes, ended up with 4 rounds)
5 Burpees
10 65lb hang cleans
15 65lb dip presses
2 min @ 7.0 on the Treadmill

then 30 minute "extreme cycle" spin

And by "downward" I don't mean weight - I mean my apparent chances of success.   What is so freaking wrong with me that I have no (zero, zilch, nada) control when it comes to food???  I have the discipline to push my severely dehydrated , tied up in cramps body for 13.1 miles... but I can't be within sight of a chocolate bar and resist it.  I push myself beyond what I thought were limits just to keep my trainer "proud" of me, but I can't avoid eating crap to make her proud.

I have been in counseling for 8 years. Still am. I adore my counselor. Sometimes I wonder if he is too supportive and kind... maybe he needs to tell me I am a crazy ass cow and I need to suck it up and do the right thing.

Sigh. This negative, self-degrading, berating , self abusing road is all to familiar.... lined with food, headed towards morbid obesity and trailing regrets.  And I march on

 I literally stopped losing weight the month of my 1yr anniversary from surgery.  At 167lbs (13 lbs lower than my goal) I was cool with that. I ran 5k's, 10k's even a 15K!  I was in 3 short distance triathlons, I bought a horse, and I went to the water park and rode the slides!

Year 2 was active, - always in the gym or pool, riding my bike, taking classes.

The beginning of year 3 I slowed down, and I started binge eating again. Compulsive chocolate sprees (I don't dump), large portions, grazing.  I was training for a half marathon as well as a short distance tri, so my trainer wanted me to take 2 rest days per week instead of just 1.  Tri training was canceled several times because of severe weather, so I ended up with 3 rest days (because I didn't fill in the time on my own).  In July she had me stop doing 5k races because I was using them to abuse myself mentally / emotionally.   In September my mom went into ICU for  6 days and 5 nights, then the regular hospital for 4 more days.   We thought we were going to lose her - called in family from Texas.  I didn't train with the trainer for 4 weeks, or run for 6 weeks.  But I still ate.

Weight - 180lbs  (I usually stay 172-175);  gained on my measurements for hip, thigh and waist; body fat % went up

And today? I had a regular sized Hershey bar with peanut butter. 

I really really want to do better. I think to myself "Starting this instant, I will make better choices" .... until some compulsion takes hold of me.  My counselor told me to try thinking through it logically instead of emotionally - I don't "need"  something, I just "want" it, and want doesn't really have to control me.   So far - fail.

My dietitian allows me to email her my food log everyday. I did it for a while, then just stopped.

I have a 10k this coming Saturday, a 5k or so coming up, and a half marathon 1/11.  double bridge run 15k 2/1.

and I am afraid to pre-register for other runs beyond that, because I am afraid I will be too heavy and out of shape to do them.

*sigh*

I am not sure I am in much better shape than I was in my last desperate post of "Yesterday"

 I am still binging on snack sized chocolates to the point of sugar crashes. Yet I eat more.  I weighed in at 180 today - a gain of around 8lbs.  I had a great 5k on 11/2 at the Pumpkin Run, but was still only my 3rd fastest time and my "arch rival" beat me by TWENTY seconds. Grrrr. 

Half marathon in less than 2 weeks and I have had one long run since August.  The rowing machine is working my cardio, but I need to get my feet pounding some. I think I am going to go to the gym and do the rower on my own or run tomorrow. I train on Thursday but there is no class I want to go to , so maybe I will do some treadmill or rower work then as well.  Friday I will go to Spinnerval, Saturday I have a 5k and then hopefully will get a run in at some point.  I have to do better, workout more, like I used to do.

On another workout note... saw the ortho doc today and I have to have an MRI with contrast on my shoulder to check for "weight lifter's shoulder".  Hmmm   :/

I have done better about vitamins, but I still suck at getting my water in.  If I would hydrate enough I probably do a better job of resisting eating garbage.  I need a reset.

Trying to get my spiritual life back on track as well, and involve God in the maintenance process.  I know the decisions and actions still belong to me and are my responsible / consequences, but I sure would like to have faith to know He is helping and encouraging.   We'll see.

Ugh.    I wish I knew how to just start over.

I am not even sure how to describe yesterday. Before surgery I suffered with very dark, very dangerous major depression and PTSD. Of course these things still plague me from time to time, but never to the extent of preop.  Until now.

I know it is exhaustion - physical, mental, emotional and even spiritual. I am just drained and worn out, there is nothing left to give - but give I must.  I am scheduled for 12 days straight at work, and depending on the health of my co-workers mother-in-law, it may turn into even more than that.  It's ok, I need the money.

Two weeks to the Santa Rosa Island Triathlon. I had so much fun last year - I trained hard at home and at the group training. This year I did nothing - between Texas trips, weather canceling it out and then my mom in ICU I missed tons of training. I dread it, but I want to do it - I refuse to be a "did not start".  (Even though every fiber of my being is screaming to just quit, give in, rest, don't humiliate myself by being last, etc).  I emailed my counselor about quitting, and his reply made it sound like he thought I should. Even though I said "If I quit I will hate myself at a whole new level"

That hurt.

It's about 8 weeks to my half marathon. I feel a little tiny bit more hopeful about it. I know I can go nearly 10 miles, so another 3 I can walk or crawl if I have to.

Anyway - yesterday.

FIVE kit kat bars (not the snack sized ones)
Nutter Butter cookies
banana bread
pineapple bread
zuchinni bread
bananas (multiple)
salisbury steak and gravy on a roll

A whole new level of ridiculous. More resembling the 353lb me than the triathlete me.

I just feel lost. No idea how to get back to where I was.

My trainer was so sweet and encouraging, reminding me where I came from and stuff like that. She cheered my workout even though I felt like a complete loser / failure.

I don't know where to go from here.  I mean, I know the things to do - I know how to get my eating back on track and get back to the gym.  I just don't know how to find the desire to do it.  As I as stuffing my face yesterday, I thought about my mom and her health , how everything ties back to her weight. How I didn't want to be dependent on people to get up / go to the bathroom / clean myself.   And then I ate another Kit Kat.
I thought about the triathlon and how afraid I am of failing.  And I had my Nutter butters.

The only thing driving me, ever so slowly and reluctantly - is not wanting to disappoint my trainer.

Ok, I have been out, but I have very valid reasons.

 Wednesday 9/4 I left for Texas!  I visited with my niece, her hubby and their turning 1yr old son - my littlest superhero!  We mostly stayed around the house or ran errands to get ready for the big "FIRST" birthday party.  I ate some crazy stuff, but did ok overall.  I stayed until late evening Sunday 9/8 and headed home.

I got home around 0315 Monday morning. COMPLETELY exhausted - I'd had to stop several times to get out and walk or even nap a few minutes.  At 0619 my dad called me to come to their house - never a good thing. I ran down there and he was unable to awaken my mom.  She would flutter her eyelids, demand to be left to sleep and drift back off.  We called an ambulance and later that day she was admitted to ICU where she stayed for 6 days and 5 nights.   She was septic from a bladder / UTI, which caused her CHF to act up, which caused her BP to drop dangerously low. Her potassium was also dangerously high.  She was hallucinating and drowsy.  Tuesday night we called in family from Texas because the docs said her kidneys were failing and they put in an access port for dialysis to start the next day.  Wednesday the docs postponed dialysis because she was doing a tiny bit better.    Friday the kidney doctor said "Those are not the same kidneys she had on Tuesday".

THANK YOU, GOD!

While she was in the hospital I ate like a crazy person. Seriously.  Seriously.   And only trained one day (when I thought she was doing ok).  SO - from Wed 9/4 until Thursday 9/19, ONE training session.  And horrible food choices (quality AND quantity).

My mom was discharged home on Wednesday , 9/18.   I started back with the trainer on Friday, 9/20.  It was ugly. UG - LY. I literally fell doing box jumps  :(  so embarrassed.   And then , after all of that hard work - I ate like a crazy person all day long again.

I am exhausted.  Mentally, physically , emotionally.  So I know that plays a big part for me in how I eat and make my food choices. No rest in sight as I am on day 2 of 12 work shifts.  All until midnight.  That wraps up with the last shift on Thursday 10/3 and my Triathlon is Saturday 10/5.   I am going to suck.  I had planned to laminate a photo of Dr. Friedman and take him with me on the Tri, as a way to dedicate my efforts to him and his fight against cancer.  I am afraid it would horrify him to know he was with me and I sucked.

I have missed 3 weeks now of my half marathon long run training.  It is Nov 17.  I am going to suck. Again.

One thing that has haunted and dogged my heels since surgery is my expectation of perfection.

I MUST eat the small portions as described in my handbook - even if I am training 5-6 days a week for an hour or more each day.

Carbs are EEEVIL - even though carbs fuel the body and allow it to recover from the punishment it takes in the gym / on the road / in the water

To modify an exercise or take a rest break / pause is pretty much the same as quitting.

HOWEVER - I am beginning to ever so slowly begin to realize - while perfection is expected, excellence can be tolerated  ;)
I am allowing myself to eat the quantities my body desires, as long as it is good nutritious food. I still struggle with chocolate and sweets, but this past week has been AMAZING in resisting.  Monday I had a cupcake. Tuesday I was offered a very yum cupcake for my birthday - gave it away.  Thursday we had AMAZING cupcakes in our meeting, I ate less than half of the 'muffin top" and not even half of the icing before throwing it away.  Friday night one of my saboteurs brought me a bag of Nutter Butter cookies (my complete weakness) - and I left them where she put them until finally she relented and ate them herself.

This is NOT deprivation.... that does not work for me.  Saturday, at my parent's house I had one of those little individual cups of chocolate ice cream. Then last night I had more ice cream at my house. If it was more than the 1/2c serving, I don't think it was by much. Today might be a little trickier, I am not sure I brought enough food for a 12hr work shift. We'll see.

Exercise -
Tuesday  - 30 min Spin class, then trainer
5min warm up on stationary bike while we waited for equipment from a class in progress , then  5 stations, stay at 1 station through 7 rounds of 45sec work, 15 sec rest, then next station
- 55lb thrusters w/ deep squat, lateral box steps with squat, 55lb full deadlifts, burpees, black resistance band low row (from a squat)

Wednesday - rest day

Thursday - Trainer session - 3 stations  - 20lb dumb bells push press, burpees, captain's chair straight leg raises -  10,9,8...1 reps;  then 3 minutes of jump rope
30 minute kickboxing class (really bothered my shoulder)

Friday - 5 stations, 8 reps, 6 rounds
weighted bar reverse lunges (75 first round, then 95, then 105 for next 4);  BOSU jump lunges (HATE); BOSU Spiderman with a pause leg to elbow;  45lb kettlebell one leg deadlift; 15lb KB side to side "crunches";      then 8min 5.0 on TM, 2 min 5.5

Saturday was great.... helped my mom, watched a movie with my folks then did my 5miles.  Stuck it right on goal pace (2:45 half marathon) on this run and the one 2 weeks ago!

Yesterday -
5.52 miles, avg pace 11:42, total 1:04:36
Splits - 11:34, 11:48, 11:19, 12:09, 11:43

August 10
5.68 miles, avg pace 11:41, total 1:06:24
Splits 12:10, 11:39, 11:47, 11:58, 10:47

Then, I took my 2 big Lab boys for a one mile walk.  It took 40 minutes hahahaha  (we did stop and visit the neighbor's goats and take a couple of shade breaks. My Rio is spoiled to the AC and also has had double ACL surgeries!)

this photo was about 1/4 mile from home lol   The guy next to the road is Riley - he's about 3 maybe (he is a "found" dog, so no real age known) and the darker fella is my heart, Rio.  He is a little over 5yrs

*dusts cobwebs off of blog and eases back into routine*

Wow... I am happy to say I am in a better place than I was when I posted here in April!  I still have days where I eat crazy, but I fight it off with better food in the choices that follow.  I still bounce between  "I am going to eat lots of salads w/ chicken and tuna"   and  "real meals fill me up more and for longer".... as long as I work the best I can with them, I have hope of finding a happy medium.

I am still training with my amazing trainer.  2 years this past July.

August 16 was 2 years since my RNY surgery.  It was a very bittersweet day, as my surgeon is going through some major, life altering / threatening health issues himself.  I posted to him

Two years ago this morning, I had the privilege and blessing of having you perform my RNY surgery. What a gift! I have spent several days trying to think of a way to express how much you mean to me - thank you does not seem like enough.
So this morning - 2yrs, 185lbs, over 80 inches, 3 triathlons, multiple 5 and 10ks and the Pensacola double bridge run later - instead of training for my upcoming half marathon, I trained for you. I ran faster, further - I did more weights for more reps - I took less breaks and I fought through the hardest parts.
 I am praying expecting strength, determination and great success for you in your own battle now. I am forever grateful and indebted.

My heart was breaking for him - he saved my life and I am helpless to save his - so I pray and I try to honor the tool he gave to me.

Today is my 41st birthday. Very quiet and slipped by most - which I am cool with.  I trained with my trainer and fully thought she would know, I was relieved when she didn't find out until tonight (her birthday training sessions involve doing your age in reps... way too old for that one!!).  My counselor sent an email that just sat me back, speechless and moved.  2 of my 3 nephews and my niece, my sister and brother in law all texted me.

I am going to Texas to see my niece and my little great nephew Luke in 2 weeks. He will be turning 1!!  That boy has my heart all mushed up into a sentimental goo!!

So, I will try to get back here. I don't know how much. I stay so busy  -
work 20hrs or more OT in a 2 week pay period, off work at midnight to go help my invalid mom and sometimes do random chores, then bed, up at 0900 to help my mom, do random chores and  I still have my little hobby farm, but I no longer have time to do more than feed the masses and make sure they are comfortable. I really want to try to get back into working the ground and tending my animals.  
 I train with the Tri group on Sunday mornings at 0600 out at the beach, then work 1400-midnight. Monday is an active rest day. Tuesday I train with the trainer and do a spin class, then work until midnight. Wednesday is my sleep late rest day. Thursday I train and do the kickboxing or spin class,  Friday I train , see my counselor, do errands and work 6hrs OT.   Saturdays are MINE -  I help my mom a couple of hours and then, unless she wants us to put her in the pool - I get to work in the yard. Or sleep. Or watch a movie.   Everyday at work I walk a half mile with 2 different employees - so a mile each evening.

Memorial Day I jammed my thumb on the concrete wall of my parent's pool while I was swimming for speed with no goggles. I waited 6wks to have it checked so now I am in PT hoping it doesn't have ligament damage.  My shoulder has been giving me fits as well - had an injection mid-July which helped some, reinjured it and had another injection yesterday. If it doesn't get better I'll have to do either PT or an MRI on it as well.  Sheesh.

===
Usually I do my session with the trainer first on Tuesdays, and then Spin class. Today she had a meeting so we did Spin first. I went all out - figured it was a waste of time to show up if I was going to just pedal through. I began to think I  should have saved some, because I got a full body beat down with her in session... it was awesome!

5min warm up on stationary bike while we waited for equipment from a class in progress , then  5 stations, stay at 1 station through 7 rounds of 45sec work, 15 sec rest, then next station

- 55lb thrusters w/ deep squat, lateral box steps with squat, 55lb full deadlifts, burpees, black resistance band low row (from a squat)

Yep, I'm already sore! lol