LJ1972
What it all means to me
Feb 18, 2013
I spent all of my high school / adult life as an obese person using food as comfort, punishment and anger management. There were no expectations placed upon me, so I didn't live up to anything. I did try to be active and do stuff for my niece and nephews - nearly every summer I took them to the water park. We did Sea World, camping, fishing and trips to the river. I never really participated, just financed and chauffeured.
Then, I decided to have surgery. Immediately I changed my lifestyle and started trying to monitor my food. I started working out and a month before surgery I worked up nerve to start with a fitness trainer. Over the past 18mths I have busted my ass to prove I was serious about surgery and my new life. Training for an hour 2x a week with the trainer, doing group exercise classes, attending triathlon training sessions, swimming, biking, running on my own. I monitored my food intake and obsessed over calories and carbs. I have never ever experienced the freedom and confidence that came with losing 185lbs. I went to the water park and rode the rides (much to my 17yr old nephew's delight! I thought it would embarrass him but he loved it). I bought a horse and rode him (some). I bought clothes off the rack - some of them size SMALL but mostly MEDIUMs. Crazy. I sat comfortably in chairs even the ones with arms on them. I was told by people I was a "machine" in the gym. I LOVED MY LIFE>
So what happened? Why has hunger / compulsion / lack of control over taken me? I didn't think I was getting careless? I still workout with the trainer. My food has just gotten crazy. And my life in general is so out of control I feel panicky and claustrophobic to even think of trying to get some sort of recognizable structure. In my OCD mind, in order to do the right foods I ahve to buy them, and in order to buy them I need room in my fridge and cabinets to keep them - but my fridge and cabinets have food in them. Not necessarily "bad" foods, so I definitely don't want to just toss them and toss the money I spent on them.
Here's what I am hoping : starting next Thursday I will be in a different work location so I won't be going to my parent's house for my meal break as much. When I get there is when I tend to start really hogging on some food. Like tonight. There is no way I should be able to eat all I do. I am going to ask Dr. Friedman about the validity of requesting a scope to see what my pouch is like. Real proud moment to be looking at a revision before I am 2yrs out. sigh
anyway - back to hope. At the new location I am next to the break room so I can put my lunch in the fridge that way it isn't right at my desk, easy to grab. I am also going to limit my protein shakes. As much as I love them, they are just liquid calories. The days I try to do just shakes end horribly because I have no control over my hunger. Maybe that is what I need... to go somewhere that shakes are all I have access to. Or maybe if Dr. Friedman put me on shakes only I would do it. Something has to give, before it is me that gives.
I saw the cardiologist today. It wasn't as bad as I expected. They made efforts to make up for the last experience. Instead of the tech coming in and doing my history and vitals, the nurse did (weighed 183 with my shoes / jacket on :( ). She took my blood pressure laying down, sitting up and standing - all responded normal but were "low" (100/72 - 104/76). My pulse was 48. She asked if I had scheduled my tilt table test yet and when it was - then wrote it in 2 or 3 different places on my chart.
Then someone else came in and just asked about my sodium intake and hydration, and the doctor came in after her. He told me what we already knew - the Holter Monitor results were fine. He said it isn't heart rhythm causing the dizziness and he thinks it is blood pressure. I held back from saying "NO!?!? Really?!?" He told me again to continue to increase my sodium and water intake until my blood pressure top number is 110 or 120. I don't know how compliant I can be with that, and I told him, because my legs swell with too much salt. He said that is most likely a result of the years I spent so overweight and my body doesn't move fluids from lower extremities as well. As I was leaving he told me he will see me in 3 months (last time it was a year) and gave me some labs to have run (thyroid and cortisol). He said if I don't hear back results of my tests in what I feel is a reasonable time for me to call his nurse directly. Then if I still feel things are not moving the way they need to, he gave me a contact number where he personally will return my call. The nurse, doctor and receptionist were all talking and joking with me as I checked out - my mom goes there so we had a common topic. Then, this afternoon, the other cardiologist office called to confirm my appointment - the one the original nurse said she would take care of canceling for me. Good grief. As I was leaving the medical building I stopped by my surgeon's office and the nurse gave me my B1 injection. I sure hope it helps. I haven't been compliant with my vitamins either - another one of those "structure" things.
