lsa22yrs

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Wow, I can not believe it has been 1 year and a day! It seems like yeserday, I was pulling out my hair and an emotional basket case! I was emabrrassed and mad at myself for having to take the steps I took with getting weight loss surgery, but today I am a grateful woman. I am smaller than I have been since my preteen days, I feel great! This was the best cure for my soul. Reflecting back I didn't realize how unhappy I had been and it showed in my attitude to work and personal. I know I didn't win a grammy or anything but it feels like I won something the greatest thing, JOY!! I want to thank my OH buddies for the words of wisdom and enouragement and most importantly my creator GOD for his grace and mercy through it all. What a difference a year makes. 119 lbs down and who knows or care how many more to go I am happy!

Well I have arrived!!! Today is a good day I am 199lbs, man 6months is here already and I didn't think I would be so content with my weight and life. It was an emotional roller-coaster but I must say I am HAPPY! I took a while for me to realize that this decision was the right one, and not to take it so personal or view it as a bad thing. I struggled with the idea of getting to the point to surgery was a necessity for me. Surgery has helped me through a lot, it gave me my spirit back, my confidence, my smile, my fire in my marriage, most importantly my HEALTH! I feel like a girl of 25 again!  The progress has been slow steps but well worth it, I will not spoil this celebration with the negatives, I will revel in the moment! Yay me!

I must say this journey has not been a walk in the park, and I struggled with a lot of emotions, 5 months later I can truly say that I am satisfied and for the first time since surgery I am happy that I had the surgery. Yes I know I am shocked that I have even come to this new place of appreciation, few month ago I thought something was wrong with me and I would live with regrets. Although I am slowly losing the lbs. unlike some of my fellow WLS buddies, I am happy with me. I am starting to feel like myself again. I have lost myself for 4 years and never thought I would be found. I am grateful to GOD today, I've had a successful recovery, followed by months of no symptoms that I was so diligently prepared for by my doctors, and have lost a significant amoount of weight by merely doing the bare minimum on my part, not a lot of people can say that. Just 6 more lbs to go and I an in the new gold member group! wooo-saaa, I am smiling.

Today I must say is not a very good day. First off let me start by saying it is now 5:49am pst, and I have been up since 3:10am pst, I have been fighting the urge all month long to stay away from the scale, because quite frankly it gives me anxiety. As the Good book said " be anxious for nothing, but pray about everything". So That's what I have been doing. I must say this journey has not been for the swift, it has truly been and eye opening experience. I had not logged on in a few weeks, however I missed you guys and feeling myself needing support. In the past I have been so emotionally unstable after this whole surgery. I was told by my social worker and peers that I needed to relax this is not an easy process, and to have realistic expectations. So I decided that the people have spoken and I took a step back and breathed, however, didn't they tell us in the pre-op classes to set goals for ourselves, isn't this site based on goals that are set from Dr. and our selves, so why am I being accused of having unrealistic goals when that's what is encouraged? I can't help it is I am an high achiever, and I stride for excellent, ESPECIALLY when ti comes to myself. Well the purpose for this rant today is, I finally gave in to my scale and I was once again bummed, let down, feeling like I was robbed once again! I lost 6lbs!! Shocker!! in 3 weeks is that it!! So all the sugar, bread, rice, pasta, that I refused throughout this month has gone unnoticed, un rewarded!!! All the salads I eat and soups I drink, and the protein that intake, has not paid off!! If I wanted these results I would have joined Weight Watcher!!! And then I logged on to my trusty site OH and I immediately saw updates from friends. I read a friend blog who had surgery the same date as me, and whom by the way is down 60lbs!!(Congrats to her) and I know every body type is different, however she touched on the topic of a friend making a comment about the weight not leaving fast enough, and when I read that I laughed aloud because I had the surgery and is thinking the same exact thing!!! LOL!!! However, I have a;ways been muscular and solid within my body so my weight has always been a high number, but my clothes size a small number, so I expect the same to happen however, I am not feeling the sizes getting smaller yet, Yes I have stopped wearing some of my slacks because they are drowning on me now, and yes I complain about not look tidy when I get dressed because my clothes are hanging off of me, hense the reason why I am upset at 11 weeks out 40lbs lost! I am working hard what is the problem! What do I need to do to turn thee tides...I have been getting compliments from people telling me how great I look and how refreshed I look and OMG your face has gotten so small, your skin is glowing, in my head I am like come on i keep-em coming, but they never get to the real compliment, "Oh my your so much smaller". Yesterday afternoon my BFF who hadn't seen me in a month saw me yesterday and said" Wow you really lost weight, I can see it, well your face looks smaller" I said what! What about my body, why do I keep hearing about my face, who cares about the face, what about my size, then she replied with a little chuckle" well it takes time, you will get there" that was so condescending I felt. Whats a girl to do, take out my stomach all together???

The day I decided to join this site, I must admit it was out of desperation. I was lost and needed some support, I was crying and feeling like I was being cheated out of something. It all started last week, 01/18/20/11, I weighed myself at the 51 days mark and I was surprised that I lost 32lbs, I said great hope I can make it to 40 at 60 days out. See that is the goal I set for myself, 20lbs a month, even though my nutritionist said 10 lbs, I was like girl forget that! I didn't do this expensive, drastic surgery for 10lbs a month, I could have had a v-8 and called Jenny if I wanted that. I want what you all promised me, EXTREME, DRASTIC weight lost the guranteed 100lbs. Skip forward on day 53 01/20/11, I stepped on the scale and OMG!!!! I gained 3lbs, WTF!!!!!! how can this be I just had surgery, did I stretch my pouch, I know I didn't have a bowel because I am constipated, I have noticed that I am eating more, am I eating too much, I thought this soon , this surgery is suppose to give restriction especially in the first 6 months, what happened to my honeymoon, could I not afford it and had to skip it, was the plane having mechanical difficulties??? All these thoughts put me in full panic mode, I started to sweat, I called my nutrionist ASAP and demanded that I speak to someone, this was a SERIOUS EMERGENCY!!!! When I got her on  the phone, I explained and then she explained, she ask me was I eating and drinking this week, I said yes, she said well stop that, she asked me was I getting my proteins in I said, no, she said well work on that, she asked have you been to the bathroom to dump, I said no,. she said well maybe that can be it, she asked, did you exercise, I said, I am getting to that... after her long reasoning, I let her go and decided if Jennifer Hudson can work out 2 days a week and look that FAB that is what I am going to do. So the next 2 days, I worked out, felt great! Buit the more and more I thought about it the more pissed off I became. I am not suppose to work this hard, I took the easy route! WTF, it doesn't help that I based my decision of the fact that I know 2 people who have done this surgery and they look fab, the most important persomn in my life that did this was mommy dearest, I was there through her whole journey, within the first month she lost 25lbs, by the time she was at my stage she was well on her way into 50lbs, she went down at the blink of a eye from a size 24 to a size 6. Even though she was malnourished, I am still envious, I want to look like I was deprived a full year of meals too. bringing me to my closing about how I came to this sit, the stillness of my weigh loss was consuming me of my whole being, I cried , got anrgy and felt pity for myself all at the same time, I wopuld whine to whomever would listen and swaddle me like and infant, finally my mom said "go find a support group, get online, do something, I am worried about you and I don't want you to get into a depression", I said great ideas and came searching. I found yuo Obesity Help.com, I read and BAM! there it was people with the same issues and expectation like myself. I became obssessed with this site, I logged on every chance I got, at work at home, during stop lights, I was fully enthralled with what my fellow commarades had to say. Then just like a brick it hit me, "this is depressing", I thought my case was one in a million, now this really got to me, hearing all the failed attempts and the worries, maybe I should not be logging on to find people like me, but people who are diffferent than me. Who wants to hear people that have reached the year mark and not lost but 50lbs, that is not encouraging me but worrying me, is that going to be me too...... I am laying off, maybe not everyday loggin on, but log on when I am in a real rut.......