Almost 11 Weeks Out-Big Changes

Jan 21, 2012

I'm down 59 lbs and below the 250 lb mark, which is amazing to me! I went out last night to celebrate a friends new job, and people noticed my weight loss for the first time really. I just keep looking forward to dropping more and getting out of the "plus size" clothes altogether. I've already donated many of my old clothes and have a few more items to donate as well. That's just the best feeling! Knowing I'll never again wear clothes that big.
I'm also starting school next week to finish up my nursing degree. By the end of this year, I'll be done! I've been in school for 4 years, part time. When I reached such a heavy weight, it got to be so hard for me to focus on school. All I could think about was were people staring at me? There were so many skinny girls all over the place and I felt so out of place. Then it got to be difficult to get around campus and sit in cramped desks. I just gave it up for the past year in hopes of having surgery and getting myself back on track. I feel really excited and ready to finish the home stretch! Finally knowing I'm going to be doing something I love gets me really pumped!
On a not so happy note....my husband, youngest son and I just got back from a trip to Florida last week. It was ok, other than it was kind of chilly down there for most of the trip. But we visited friends and stayed at my dads winter house down there. It was nice to get away. But as you know, my husband had a VSG in October, and has lost an incredible amount of weight. He revealed to me that he regrets having it done. He said he misses being able to just eat whatever he wants, and as much as he wants of it and wishes he could have just one day to just binge. He asked me if I regretted it, and I do not. We went out to a Chinese place down there that my son loves, and I made a not so good choice and got very sick from it. My own fault, because there was plenty of stuff to choose from, but I chose to take a few bites of sesame chicken, which is breaded and loaded with sugar, and wow! I was in misery!! But I slept it off and when I woke up, I felt ok and the lesson was learned! Stick to what you know works....steamed veggies and chicken with no sauce and breading!! But anyhow, he looks pale, his energy level is low, even though he faithfully takes his supplements, and he just seems in a daze. Upon our return from our trip, he revealed to me he is not happy in our marriage, feels like he doesnt "fit in" here with me and my sons, and has contemplated moving out. I was shocked. We have never done anything to make him not fit in here. We'll be married 5 years in July, been together for 7, and even though my kids are getting older now, they still like him and respect him. This is the first marriage for him, and really, I'm the longest relationship he's ever had. He has been a loner most of his life. I just wonder if he just can't adjust to sharing a house with 4 other people. He's seeing a therapist he says to help him "deal with us and help him fit in." I have no problem with that, except, why did he not tell me about it and include me? I would love to sit down and try to help him figure it out. And why didn't he come to me first? His mother knows everything because he's told her he was thinking of leaving. (This was my house before we got married, he moved in with us.) Now I feel awkward around her, and now I know why she doesn't come over as much. His family is very particular about their houses, everything has to be neat and orderly....their houses don't look lived in. They don't have kids, or their friends in and out like we do at our house. I keep the house clean, but it's lived in. Not everything has a place sometimes. He has a hard time with that. And it got back to me that his mother thinks its terrible that I "don't keep my house any better than that." That hurt my feelings. I mentioned it to my husband and he just defended his mother. His mother has always been very critical of him, and was always commenting on his weight. Now that he's losing weight, she harps on him about his his hair loss! Not a whole lot you can do about that! I really don't know what to do anymore. Our marriage is not the greatest. We don't really fight and argue, but I really have the feeling he doesn't even care about me anymore. Now that this is all out, I really am clueless as to how to fix this, or if I even want to. We have ZERO intimacy in our marriage, and haven't had that for a long time. I'm lucky to get a kiss. He's said many times that sex is not important to him. But to not have it at all to me is just not normal.
I've decided I can't go through a divorce and try to concentrate on school too. So I'm going to try to make it work this year. He's looking for a new job, and hopefully that will get him back into a routine again. I'll do my thing and get finished with school and see where we're at in December. I've dedided that I'm not going to live in an unhappy marriage. I'm not getting any younger, but I'm too young to live like this too. There are lots of other factors in this as well, but too many to get into on here. Bottom line is, I just don't know if we are what the other one needs or wants anymore. I'm very outgoing and he is introverted and happy in front of the tv every night. I guess we'll see what the year brings.

3 Comments