MissLeeRee

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Even at this moment, I am not entirely sure how to put all of the chaos in my head onto a screen.  I want so much to express the fears, but I also fear that by admitting them, I am admitting that I am not worthy to have this surgery.  I shall start a little earlier in my process:  at first, I was striving and aiming for the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy.  Before any of this began, it was the only surgery that made me feel completely at peace with the idea of having a surgery to help me fight the disease of obesity.  It was not fully removing a piece of me or fully interfering with my natural biological processes.  Also, there was the benefit of losing the weight a bit slower allowing somewhat of a catch-up period while the weight was coming off instead of it coming off so drastically, throwing my entire system (mental, emotional, and physical) into complete shock.  Before I set up any appointments, I switched my Tricare Prime insurance over to John Hopkins US Family Health Plan because I was under the firm impression that it would cover the VSG.  I spoke to insurance agents, the surgical coordinators, etc... to verify and all had given the thumbs-up.  Therefore, I proceeded with all of the classes and evaluations that one has to go through in order to be considered for surgery. All was well to be submitted, and all I had to do was wait for the "go ahead" from the insurance company.  On Valentine's Day, I was informed that the VSG would not be covered by it.  I made the phone calls that I was supposed to make sure, I looked it up for myself and as it would seem, for the last eight months, I had been committing more and more each day to VSG lifestyle only for it be confirmed that I would not be having that surgery - not unless I wanted to pay for it myself.  All of that was interrupted.  I only had two choices:  RNY or LAP Band.  Both of these surgeries terrify me.   It took therapy, pow-wows with friends, prayers and break-downs for me to decide on getting the RNY, because I can survive it, because it will help me get my weight loss journey started, because.....I need to.  I'm 400 lbs.  I need the help.  Now that the decision has been made, I have heard so many different WLS horror stories and success stories, and all it has done is make the butterflies in my gut swarm like angry dragons.  Am I looking for a sign?  I am terrified that I will break it.  I'll break the surgery, I'll break my commitment, break my success, break my mental capacities.  I don't want to fall apart.  I want to be able to make this my life's work and my goal.  What if I am remorseful of losing my stomach and never having it back?  What if I regret losing all of the weight because I will no longer be the person I am from a lifetime of obesity?   Am I ready? And if I am not, then when will I be?  I want to begin to live my life the way I need to, the way I want to, and I will never be able to do that trapped under this boulder called my 'body'.  So much in my head that I wish I could make sense of.  The truth is that, even after support groups, i still feel alone. 

And while all of this chaos is clustering in my brain, I am also ecstatic about being able to finally live!  I cannot wait to walk without pain, use the toilet the way I am supposed to, fly in a plane, use a seatbelt, ride a rollercoaster, bath in a normal-sized tub, walk up a flight of stairs somewhat comfortably, wear a pair of jeans again.....the list goes on and on.  I am ready to climb a mountain and jump from a plane, to experience this vast world the way it deserves to be.  I think this very thought is what brings the chaos to sort of a calm.   Needless to say, my surgery is in a little over a week.  All that is left is the appointment with the anesthesiologists and the surgeon, the fasting, family flying in to be with me....SO MUCH HAPPENING, SO QUICKLY!  Has it really been a year since I made this decision?  Is it really happening?   I would love anybody's perspective, I think it will be comforting and helpful, I hope.

 

I have an appointment with a nutritionist and then a support group meeting (by insurance standards) to attend before my surgery appointment is finally booked.  AH.  A month more!  It's so close yet so far away, and even though I'm going through the steps and the proper processes and learning, etc....my nerves couldn't be more frayed.  I'm scared to death!  I don't want to fail.  Not again.  I want this life change to be successful.  I know that it's not going to be easy, and I have to treat it one day at a time, but I have said this to myself so many times before and have had terrible outcomes.  Even the six - eight months working my way towards that important day has proven to be the most difficult:  weight fluctuating, diabetes, ankle/knee injury, biopsy surgery......I had to sigh just now just to let it out of me.  It has not been easy, and although I know it won't be an easy road and I am so scared, I am also so ready! I am ready for this new life experience, to feel good and strong, to work through my emotions and thoughts clinically instead of depending only myself to fix everything.  This alone, the process I mean, has been a self-illuminating experience all on its own only to have proven to myself that I am capable of changing my life for the better! We all are!

That's right, folks!  Next month I will be visiting the surgeon to discuss the date and other specifics regarding my surgery.  I could not be more excited and nervous and scared all at once.  It's an emotional melting pot! I can't wait though.  After nearly two years of trying to make this work, it finally is working out for me.   I will keep you posted.  

Don't get me wrong, I don't pretend to be skinny, or perfect or happy.  I don't pretend to like everybody or agree with the words of others.  I don't think that my weight problem is any different from anybody else's, but I'll tell you what, while I have had my fair share of issues, I am not half as angry, ornery, mean, cruel, unhelpful, critical or disdainful as some of the members on this site.  Maybe you must be very literal, serious and dry at ALL TIMES in order to receive any positive feedback.  I don't know.  I do know that some of the comments and cruelties of others are infuriating and disheartening.  I know that they created in me a burning sensation at the base of my neck, a feeling I have not felt since I was picked on in middle school.  I know that it does not encourage me to want to stay a member.  However, a message to those who want to base their opinions off of minute and barely trivial details, it seems ignorant and presumptious to do so, don't you think?   So, to those who do not like me because of the (for lack of a better term) stupid aforementioned reasons, find a REAL reason to dislike me and then maybe, I'll leave this site. Until then, I hope you enjoy the forum-stylings that is Alicia.  Good afternoon, good evening and goodnight.

I want to thank everyone for their kind words.  Thanks to you all, my confidence is boosted and I find faith lingering again.  I hope to maintain this stance, as well as all of your support.  I wish all of you the best in all of your endeavours and if you desire warm words or backbone reinforcement, please never hesitate to depend on me.  :)