MissLeeRee
Disasters and Blessings
Mar 01, 2013
Even at this moment, I am not entirely sure how to put all of the chaos in my head onto a screen. I want so much to express the fears, but I also fear that by admitting them, I am admitting that I am not worthy to have this surgery. I shall start a little earlier in my process: at first, I was striving and aiming for the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. Before any of this began, it was the only surgery that made me feel completely at peace with the idea of having a surgery to help me fight the disease of obesity. It was not fully removing a piece of me or fully interfering with my natural biological processes. Also, there was the benefit of losing the weight a bit slower allowing somewhat of a catch-up period while the weight was coming off instead of it coming off so drastically, throwing my entire system (mental, emotional, and physical) into complete shock. Before I set up any appointments, I switched my Tricare Prime insurance over to John Hopkins US Family Health Plan because I was under the firm impression that it would cover the VSG. I spoke to insurance agents, the surgical coordinators, etc... to verify and all had given the thumbs-up. Therefore, I proceeded with all of the classes and evaluations that one has to go through in order to be considered for surgery. All was well to be submitted, and all I had to do was wait for the "go ahead" from the insurance company. On Valentine's Day, I was informed that the VSG would not be covered by it. I made the phone calls that I was supposed to make sure, I looked it up for myself and as it would seem, for the last eight months, I had been committing more and more each day to VSG lifestyle only for it be confirmed that I would not be having that surgery - not unless I wanted to pay for it myself. All of that was interrupted. I only had two choices: RNY or LAP Band. Both of these surgeries terrify me. It took therapy, pow-wows with friends, prayers and break-downs for me to decide on getting the RNY, because I can survive it, because it will help me get my weight loss journey started, because.....I need to. I'm 400 lbs. I need the help. Now that the decision has been made, I have heard so many different WLS horror stories and success stories, and all it has done is make the butterflies in my gut swarm like angry dragons. Am I looking for a sign? I am terrified that I will break it. I'll break the surgery, I'll break my commitment, break my success, break my mental capacities. I don't want to fall apart. I want to be able to make this my life's work and my goal. What if I am remorseful of losing my stomach and never having it back? What if I regret losing all of the weight because I will no longer be the person I am from a lifetime of obesity? Am I ready? And if I am not, then when will I be? I want to begin to live my life the way I need to, the way I want to, and I will never be able to do that trapped under this boulder called my 'body'. So much in my head that I wish I could make sense of. The truth is that, even after support groups, i still feel alone.
And while all of this chaos is clustering in my brain, I am also ecstatic about being able to finally live! I cannot wait to walk without pain, use the toilet the way I am supposed to, fly in a plane, use a seatbelt, ride a rollercoaster, bath in a normal-sized tub, walk up a flight of stairs somewhat comfortably, wear a pair of jeans again.....the list goes on and on. I am ready to climb a mountain and jump from a plane, to experience this vast world the way it deserves to be. I think this very thought is what brings the chaos to sort of a calm. Needless to say, my surgery is in a little over a week. All that is left is the appointment with the anesthesiologists and the surgeon, the fasting, family flying in to be with me....SO MUCH HAPPENING, SO QUICKLY! Has it really been a year since I made this decision? Is it really happening? I would love anybody's perspective, I think it will be comforting and helpful, I hope.
