Kellye G.

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Well, I'm not sure some of the changes since I last posted are all that wonderful, but I have to admit I'm not all that upset about the big ones.  I suppose for me #1 was finally getting back in the workforce.  It had been at least 5 years since I'd worked at all.  I got my nursing license taken off inactive status and started applying for jobs all over the area close and far from home.  At that particular time I didn't care how far I had to drive I just wanted to work.  I got interviews at several places, got offered a lot of per diem positions but finally found a LTC facility that had a full-time night shift available and I jumped at it.  Was wonderful to start working again, earning money and more importantly feeling like I was serving a purpose and not just taking up space anymore.  I felt useful for the first time in a long time and it is a wonderful feeling.  

My highest weight (that I am aware of) was 405.  I am now maintaining around 210-215.  So I’ve lost about 200 pounds.  200 POUNDS!!  Just doesn’t seem real that I’ve lost enough weight to create a whole other person (an overweight person @ that).  I was wearing 5X shirts or larger, pants as large as I could find them (when I could find them) and it was nearly impossible to find bras or underwear that fit at all.  I’ve even gone down at least 1 shoe size and width since my weight loss.  I’m now wearing a XLG or 2X shirt (depends on brand) and 16W pant or 18R – again depends on brand.  That’s one thing I still hate about women’s clothing – sizes are not universal and when I started shopping for clothes I had no idea where to start.  It was frustrating and I’m still finding that I’m initially choosing things are still at least 1 size too large for me.  I can’t seem to get it through my head that I don’t necessarily have to hide my body anymore.  Granted I still hate the skin I’m in – and am so ready for some plastic surgery but that will happen sooner or later and I can’t wait to get those procedures done.  

Back to changes … #2 big change was getting thrown out of the house by my husband in late November of 2007!!  Yes, I said thrown out of my house.  He accused me of cheating on him and having multiple affairs – none of which was true – and one night while I was at work he started to send me these crazy text messages on my cell phone.  Saying he didn’t believe I was at work, that he knew about some man named Mark and that he was going through everything in the house, etc.  I texted him back, saying I was at work, he called up there called me all kinds of things, said he was now my ex-husband and that he wanted to know where my place of work was because he was coming up to kick my ass.  I told him there was no way I would tell him where work was while he was being so unreasonable and hung up.  He called several more times and the last call he told me if he saw me out on the road he would kill me.  At that time I completely lost my composure, broke down at work and my co-workers call the local police department to file a complaint.   

Police where I worked and the police department in the town where our house is located were notified of the threats and harassing phone calls.  The last call I received from my husband (soon to be “ex” thank goodness) I could hear him breaking things in the house – he told me he was destroying all of my things and anything I had an interest in.  He demolished EVERYTHING!  I do mean EVERYTHING!  I went back to the house that morning with a police escort to gather up what was left and there was nothing left.  He had even taken all of my nursing uniforms that I had just bought, cut them up with scissors and poured ketchup on them!  My street clothes were all on the floor of the closet with black permanent marker and he had pissed on them.  The house was trashed.  He destroyed all my electronic equipment – my new computer, router, printer, cd player, mp3 player, kitchen appliances, photos of family, a collection of clowns I had started when I was 15, even wrote on a stuffed bear that my grandmother had given me for Christmas and wrote “HOR” on it.  I think he meant “whore” lmao but considering the source I think “HOR” was probably the best he could do.   

I managed to salvage a few things but not much.  I ended up staying with a co-worker for about a week while l tried to find an apartment closer to work.  I never did go back to the house while he was there.  I went a few more times to get some things and one final time to load up a u-haul to move into an apartment in the town where I was working.  I’ve never gone back and never will.  He filed for divorce in mid-December and it was the best thing that could have happened.  It wasn’t exactly the way I wanted things to end, although I knew things would end because I had been so unhappy for so long and it was time to go.  We weren’t good for each other and probably never were.  Looking back I knew that very early on but was just fooling myself into thinking otherwise.  

We have had a rather messy & long divorce process.  Finally had our mediation hearing earlier in June and it was the first time I’d seen him in a while.  He actually looked shocked to see me and almost a little scared as well.  Rather strange.  He said he missed me and still loved me yada yada yada and wanted me to come back home.  I didn’t even know what to say.  He said we never really had given our marriage a chance!  I reminded him we’d been married for 9 years I think that was plenty of time to see if things were going to work or not.  He said he really didn’t want the divorce but he knew it was something I wanted.  Whatever!  He hugged me and cried.  I honestly had no emotions at all other than I wanted him to let me go and felt uncomfortable being there with him.  I told him I was sorry I hurt him, which I was, but in my mind and in my heart I was done with him and done with our marriage a long time ago.   

I’m hoping our divorce will be final by the end of July.  There are still some issues that will keep us “tied” together for a while – the house and some back taxes to the IRS, but nothing else.  Thankfully we never had kids.  I knew very early on that having a family with him would be a BAD idea.   

Big change #3 and the one I’m most excited about is that I have found the love of my life.  It was totally unexpected and not something I was even remotely looking for but most of the time I’ve found when you’re not looking is when it typically finds you.  It’s been incredible and amazing and I’ve never been happier in my life.  He totally completes me in ways I never thought I even needed.  He knows me sometimes better than I even know myself.  He anticipates my needs, fulfills all my needs & desires & I couldn’t have found a more perfect man for me even if I’d created him myself.  He makes it okay to be me.  Doesn’t expect me to be something I’m not.  Allows me to be a woman and makes me feel alive.  I swear I would go through all the crap I’ve gone through in the past years if it meant I would find him again at the end of all this hell.  Things I never thought I wanted in the past or things I had given up ever having I can see having with him.  I swear I see a future of endless possibilities with him and I know deep down I’ve found a love of a lifetime and my one true love. 

While the WLS has allowed me to have a life I had been missing for so long, it’s also allowed me to live my life as well.  I’ve stopped hiding, stopped putting things off, stopped making excuses for everything and started living again.  I’ve made some mistakes along the way and I’m sure I’ll make more, but at least I’m living my life on my own terms again and not by someone else’s rules.  I’m able to be with a man who respects me for who I am and loves me for who I am.  I honestly can’t wait to see what tomorrow has in store for me anymore.  Used to I would dread the next days, would dread being in public, would dread seeing my family – would dread everything.  Now I see the world through new eyes, not just because of the WLS but also because of him.  It’s amazing what a new chance at life and the love of an amazing man can do for you and I wouldn’t change a thing. 

As of Friday (27th) I have lost a total of 80 pounds.  I was honestly a bit amazed when I weighed because I had not been all that compliant with my post-op diet as I should.  And after having slow weeks for pretty much all of July I was equally amazed to see a bigger number drop - 6 pounds vs. 1 or 2.

I had an "ah ha" moment a few days ago.  I'm no longer really craving or lusting after food but I still want to eat just to have something to do.  So it finally dawned on me that I've got to find something else to fill the void that food used to do.  I can no longer "entertain" myself with planning my next meal (or binge), or even occupy myself with shoveling food down my throat because I don't have anything else better to do.  I've been so inactive and estranged from the world, even myself, that I've somehow lost me and the things that are a part of me (interests, hobbies, desires, dreams, etc).  

I had become so used to the fact that I was just miserable and fat and lonely (and any other negative adjective you want to insert here) that I ignored or forgot about those things I used to enjoy doing that gave my life meaning and fulfillment and basically tossed them away for food.  Sad and pathetic I know, but it's true.

I'm finding now I'm not obsessing over food like I used to.  Most days I have to remind myself that I need to eat; otherwise several hours can go by before I even consume anything.  Sometimes I feel like I'm force-feeding myself because nothing tastes good or even appeals to me.  It's been a struggle to even think of what to eat - a very new and strange development in my life.  Although it's not necessarily an unwelcome one.

I have noticed though over the last couple of weeks my compliance with my post-op diet has been not so great.  And then I would wonder why I wasn't losing like I wanted - getting angry at myself and the surgery - something wasn't working - I wasn't working.  I had to step back and take an honest look at myself and realize that for some reason I was sabotaging myself and the surgery and the chance I had for a better life.  But then the question of course was WHY?

I think after living so long as a morbidly obese person, hearing the comments made by others, seeing the expressions on people's faces (horror, disgust, shock), not to mention my own personal feelings about myself I had just decided that I wasn't worthy of anything good or positive in my life.  I had no life for the last seven years; I had become reclusive and avoided any kind of social contact, given up on my desires and dreams and just become complacent about everything.  I assumed that would be my life until I ended up eating myself to death.  That mindset had been with me for a very long time and I just didn't feel like I was worthy of anything; that I didn't deserve anything better.

No wonder I've been hindering my progress - sabotaging myself.  I'm still thinking that way; still have those old fears and beliefs that I don't deserve a better life; that I'm not worthy of something good & positive.  Well that is bull shit and in order for me to be truly successful with this wonderful opportunity I've got to stop thinking that way.  I can't afford to think that I don't deserve something better in my life, that I am less deserving of anyone else for attaining their goals or achieving their dreams.  I want my life back - I want to LIVE my life and enjoy it.  I no longer want to be someone who hides out from the world and watches everything pass by anymore.  I spent way too much time on the couch doing nothing and watching time pass me by and choosing not to be a part of the world around me.  I don't want to live like that anymore; no one should.

While all this is easy to say, it's not always so easy to implement and change.  It takes time to better yourself and even more gumption to change the negative self-talk I've been hearing in my head for the last 7 years.  So I'm a work in progress, both on the inside and outside.  While the outside appearance will probably be the easier to change and quicker to change I think the inside will be the most challenging of all.

WARNING: I'm going to be doing a bit of ranting and such in this post, so if you're offended by "colorful" language or just don't want to read someone's bitching, I suggest you skip reading this one.

I have been having some really big emotional highs and lows lately.  The lows seem to be the predominant mood as of late.  Lots of tears, general feelings of depression and just overall ICK.  I know that with WLS a lot of the stuff and gunk I've hidden or stuffed away with food start to surface in their own unique and possibly unpleasant ways, but it's still unsettling nonetheless.  So the last week or so it seems I cry at the drop of a hat, get angry for no appearant reason and just want to lash out at everyone.  My poor DH seems to take the brunt of it when he's home or even when we speak on the phone.  It's probably a good thing he's away so much so that he can avoid the worst of it.  I did warn him ahead of time that this type of "appealing" behavior would surface after WLS so that he wouldn't necessarily be caught off guard, but it still must be troubling for him to witness and bear.  Hurting the ones we love just seems to sometimes be inevitable.

I haven't bothered to go back to Curves even though in all honesty I think my knee could handle it.  I'm just terrible when it comes to exercise.  When I'm in the mood to do it, I go for it 100%, but if at any time something comes along to break that cycle (injury, schedule conflicts, illness, etc.) then that mood fades and so does the desire/inspiration to do it.  And then of course I feel guilty and ashamed for NOT doing it because I know that exercise is something I should be doing on a regular basis to not only increase my weight loss but to have better success post-op.

My mom recently told me that my WLS was inspiration to her and my stepfather to start losing weight again.  She has struggled with her weight as an adult doing the yo-yo thing like so many of us have done; losing & gaining more times than I'm sure either of us could possibly count.  In a way I was flattered that my decision to have WLS was the influence they both needed to be more serious about their weight and health, however it is also a burden I don't  want to have.  I don't want to be responsible for someone wanting to lose weight.  I don't want that pressure on me because what if I fail?  What if I don't have success after WLS?  What if????  Is this crazy to feel like this? 

Hell even my DH has jumped on the weight-loss bandwagon & is drinking protein drinks, cutting carbs, having a high-protein diet, etc. making sure I don't "out shine him" (his words) when it comes to losing weight.  He is/was worried that by me having WLS and losing weight, he didn't want to be the fat one in the marriage and have people wonder what I was doing with "that old fat, bald man" (again his words, not mine).  So in a way I feel like he's in competition with me.  He's always talking about what he eats during the day, how many carbs he's consumed, the amount of weight he's lost, etc. and to be perfectly honest, I don't want to friggin' hear about it.  I am having enough trouble dealing with my own demons and trying to figure out what works best for me that I don't want to have comparisons of food intake or weight loss.  I just can't!  While I'm proud of him and the rest of my family who are trying to take better control over their health, I can't help but feeling angry and just wanting to tell them to STOP bugging me about my weight, my diet, me. 

Hell at this point, I don't really know what I'm feeling.  I know that I'm dealing with a lot of anger and I'm just not really sure where it is all coming from.  Part of me just wants to cry when the other part of me wants to throw or hit something; make others feel as shitty as I do. 

So to those who have told me I took the "easy way out" (you're assholes BTW) you can just shove it because this is NOT easy.  I can't remember a day since my WLS that it has even been easy.  Oh sure, some days have been better than others, there have been days that have seemed great, but for the most part I feel like I'm still wading through a bunch of junk and it's like I'm being pulled in all directions at once.

I've even noticed that I've started to sleep a lot again - definite sign of being mildly depressed.  For a time I was getting up early in the morning, bursting with energy and ready to tackle the day - even looking forward to going out and doing something.  Now I would just rather stay in bed and sleep.  Luckily we have dogs that require that I get up and let them out, otherwise I probably would spend more time in bed.  I want/need to get out of this funk.  It's really taking its toll on me.