mother_theresa
2006 Journal Entries
Jan 16, 2006
Jan 17,2006...I'm in the process of looking around for a doctor/hospital that is payment friendly. I refuse to give up on my dream of having the surgery!! I'm going through some health issues that are holding me back from spending too much time at the computer (my hysterectomy incision has opened up after 5 years...doctor says it's from all the stress of gaining back 226 pounds I had lost) but I will check in as often as I can
I have had contact with another WLS center yesterday, and I have to say, even though the distance is a little farther than I'd really like, I am very much interested in it. Not only does the doctors sound wonderful from the testimonials I've read, they are payment friendly. They are sending me a packet in the mail, and have even told me that since I already have insurance approval, I could possibly be on my way much sooner than others. That would be a prayer answered.
Feb 20,2006 I haven't updated for a while, so I thought I'd take the time to do it. I don't know what is wrong with me, I have the packet from live lite in Junction City, and they appear to be totally payment friendly, but I just can't seem to make myself get the packet filled out. I do want this surgery, more than you can imagine. I think that maybe the distance from home is why i'm being so undecisive on it? I also have just not been feeling very well at all. My legs are swollen, and I'm still fighting this open wound from my hysterectomy over 5 years ago. A couple weeks ago it was almost completely healed up, now it's open again to about half the size we started with. My wound care specialist is really making me mad, he keeps asking what I'm doing differently, and I always tell him, nothing different. He just makes me feel like it's all my fault. I also know that I cannot have the surgery until this wound heals, maybe that's why I'm dragging my feet on the paperwork? On the happy side of things, my God daughter had her baby on the 17th. A healthy baby boy!! Even though I'm so happy about his birth, I'm so mad at myself. If I wasn't so fat that I can't walk very far anymore and still breath at the same time, I would have already had him in my arms, but oh no, I have to wait for them to bring him to me. I know they will, it's just not the same as being able to go and do when I want, what I want. I'm really getting tired of this big ole body.....really really tired.
Feb 27, 2006 I've had contact with my patient coordiantor from Live-Lite. Pam is wonderful!! She has made me feel like I am actually a human again! Once I finish the long task of filling out every diet I've ever been on, my paperwork packet will be ready to put in the mail. I'm planning on attending the seminar in Junction City March14th,and Pam told me that since I already have insurance approval that this could possible move quickly for me!!! (I hope she's right!) I also have my appointment for my psych evaluation on Monday March 9th, and funny as it seems I'm looking forward to it. The doctor that is going to do it has had WLS and I feel it will be an interesting morning. I still haven't got to see my God daughters baby, and am still a little down and out about that. I WANT TO BE HEALTHY!!! I want to be able to go places and do things again without having to wait on people to bring things to me or do things for me!! My journey is in full swing.
March 20, 2006 Wow it's been a while since I updated, and man have things changed. My journey has come to a halt (for now anyways). Why is it that just when I think I might get to do something for me, everyone else has things happen to them? I didn't get to go to the seminar in Junction City on the 14th. My DH was assaulted by a neighbor and had to be rushed 45 minutes away because of a serious head injury. He has a fractured eye socket, and looks horrible, but he is healing, and the 10 stitches came out last Thursday. Naturally, he is off work because of the concussion. I know this isn't his fault, and I feel bad because I do feel so angry about it. Ever feel like you just want to curl up and die? I'm trying to battle my depression, however, I refused to get my prescriptions because I knew my DH was going to have expenses, and I figure since he's the breadwinner, he has to come first. I wish everything didn't always come down to money!!! I have been worrying myself sick about how we are going to survive with DH being off work for at least 2 weeks, maybe longer. I decided to try and sell my powerchair. DH, and my son didn't like the idea, but I figure if I can sell it for at least half of what I paid for it, I can use some of the money and buy me just a regular wide wheel chair, and use the remainder to get my family by until DH can go back to work. What else is a person to do? I'm sick or worrying!! I'm sick of having to be the only one that seems to care!!! I'm sorry I'm so negative right now, I just know that I have to have this surgery or I am not going to be around to be the one to worry. God, am I crazy or what? lol I'm not around the messageboard much lately because I don't want to bring others down, and it just seems like my life is on such a downhill swing right now. I do check in on everyone and am so happy for those that are getting their surgery dates, and everyone that is losing!! Keep up the good work girls, and guys!!! I can only pray at this point that I will be joining them soon. I also got some bad news on my open wound while all this is going on with DH. My wound culture came back with staph infection, and there again, I can't afford the antibiotics. Will my life ever turn around? I can only pray it does. Again, for anyone reading this, I"m sorry I'm so down right now.
April 11, 2006 Wow, it's been a while since I updated. lol Well, DH has improved greatly after his attack, and is back at work. Talk about a very scary time in my life. I feel much better and am starting my journey to the losing side again! My paperwork to Junction City will be in the mail tomorrow! I had an appointment with my pulmonologist on Monday, and he is such a wonderful man!! He told me that my lungs are good, and so is my heart, so now is the time to make my move and get the surgery done. Just knowing he supports me makes it seem easier. I know I still have quite a journey ahead of me, and now with things calmed down around here, I'm ready to put on my boxing gloves and hit it full force!!!
April 25, 2006 I have to tell you I've been so lax on working towards this surgery. *frown* Why? At first life kept throwing me barriers, and even when I thought I was ready to hit it full force, I didn't. Then I think the fear of WLS has kept me from moving along..Well, yesterday, I talked to my "angel" that I met here on OH. Donna. Boy did she give me a lot to think about, and get me motivated!! My paperwork is now in the mail!!! I think the thing Donna told me that stands out most is we have two choices...one to sit here and die doing nothing, or we can die trying....and like she said, she'd rather die trying!! Well, I'm back to trying!! Life IS worth trying for!!! My son is now a member of our Kansas National Guard, he signed his papers two nights ago, and is gone for his MEPS physical, and ASFAB test the next two days. He will be gone to basic training this summer, and I keep wondering what if they want me to do my surgery while he's gone.....well, I made that decision, I'm going to have it done no matter when the date is!!! I want to live!!! I want to see my son grow more mature, I want to have grandchildren, I want to live!!!!! The next seminar in Juction City is May 9th, and I'm already working to ensure I can make that seminar!!!
May 27,2006 My Goodness, what a wild month!! I haven't had the chance, nor the energy to update, and didn't even realize that Myra had done such a wonderful job on sprucing up my profile until a few days ago....Thank You Myra!!! Well, I think the one thing going through my mind at this point, is how in the world do I learn to put myself first and formost? I don't want that to sound selfish, but I'm beginning to realize that until I do learn to do that, my surgery just continues to be put at the back of my things to do. The month of May has been sheer hell!!! My DH's oldest brother suffered some kind of heart illness, and we as a family had to make the decision to remove him from life support and let him go. We buried him on the 10th. On the 12th I ended up in the hospital for a week. My pulmonologist says it was because of allergies kicking in my ashtma. My personal opinion is it was the stress from being up and moving more in the week of my brother-in-laws illness than I have probably moved in 6 months. In any event it scared the wits out of me. I laid in the hospital dreaming.....yes.....dreaming of what it would feel like to be waking up from WLS...and how wonderful it would be to be on the losing side of things. Sheer heaven!!! Now that I've been home for about a week, the steroids are wearing off and my bones and joints are really beginning to hurt again, and I know more than ever that if I am ever going to feel "normal" I have got to have my WLS!!!!! One thing that I did do during all the illness with my brother-in-law was I broke down and talked to everyone in my husband's family about my wanting and needing WLS.....I had been opposed to telling them for the fear of the negativity. Guess what? It was the best thing I could have done!!! Not one person was negative about it, nothing but sheer love and support!! I know that my DH is going to need all the support he can get while I'm going through this, and even though I am the one that has to have the surgery done, My DH is a major part of this also!!!! Without him I am nothing, and if I had to worry about him I think my healing would be slowed, so thanks to God now I know that when my time for the surgery comes, my DH will also have a huge network of support!!!!! I have found out that my insurance co has once again approved me for the surgery!!!!! YEAH!! Now, I will call Tuesday to schedule my psych eval, and see exactly what all I need to do to get the ball rolling. With this being Memorial Day weekend, I can't help but think of what it will feel like to be healthy. We have many family get togethers to attend in the next few days, and I keep praying my big ole body can hold up to all the stress and strain of just being able to attend. I love being around family, but I also feel most comfy in my own home. I have learned to get anywhere in life we have to give a little to get a little, so this weekend, I am going to get out and attempt to live a little. This month with the death, and sickness has really opened my eyes, and I want to be around those I love. Well everyone, I hope you will all keep me in your prayers, and before long I can be on the losing side with everyone else.
I have had contact with another WLS center yesterday, and I have to say, even though the distance is a little farther than I'd really like, I am very much interested in it. Not only does the doctors sound wonderful from the testimonials I've read, they are payment friendly. They are sending me a packet in the mail, and have even told me that since I already have insurance approval, I could possibly be on my way much sooner than others. That would be a prayer answered.
Feb 20,2006 I haven't updated for a while, so I thought I'd take the time to do it. I don't know what is wrong with me, I have the packet from live lite in Junction City, and they appear to be totally payment friendly, but I just can't seem to make myself get the packet filled out. I do want this surgery, more than you can imagine. I think that maybe the distance from home is why i'm being so undecisive on it? I also have just not been feeling very well at all. My legs are swollen, and I'm still fighting this open wound from my hysterectomy over 5 years ago. A couple weeks ago it was almost completely healed up, now it's open again to about half the size we started with. My wound care specialist is really making me mad, he keeps asking what I'm doing differently, and I always tell him, nothing different. He just makes me feel like it's all my fault. I also know that I cannot have the surgery until this wound heals, maybe that's why I'm dragging my feet on the paperwork? On the happy side of things, my God daughter had her baby on the 17th. A healthy baby boy!! Even though I'm so happy about his birth, I'm so mad at myself. If I wasn't so fat that I can't walk very far anymore and still breath at the same time, I would have already had him in my arms, but oh no, I have to wait for them to bring him to me. I know they will, it's just not the same as being able to go and do when I want, what I want. I'm really getting tired of this big ole body.....really really tired.
Feb 27, 2006 I've had contact with my patient coordiantor from Live-Lite. Pam is wonderful!! She has made me feel like I am actually a human again! Once I finish the long task of filling out every diet I've ever been on, my paperwork packet will be ready to put in the mail. I'm planning on attending the seminar in Junction City March14th,and Pam told me that since I already have insurance approval that this could possible move quickly for me!!! (I hope she's right!) I also have my appointment for my psych evaluation on Monday March 9th, and funny as it seems I'm looking forward to it. The doctor that is going to do it has had WLS and I feel it will be an interesting morning. I still haven't got to see my God daughters baby, and am still a little down and out about that. I WANT TO BE HEALTHY!!! I want to be able to go places and do things again without having to wait on people to bring things to me or do things for me!! My journey is in full swing.
March 20, 2006 Wow it's been a while since I updated, and man have things changed. My journey has come to a halt (for now anyways). Why is it that just when I think I might get to do something for me, everyone else has things happen to them? I didn't get to go to the seminar in Junction City on the 14th. My DH was assaulted by a neighbor and had to be rushed 45 minutes away because of a serious head injury. He has a fractured eye socket, and looks horrible, but he is healing, and the 10 stitches came out last Thursday. Naturally, he is off work because of the concussion. I know this isn't his fault, and I feel bad because I do feel so angry about it. Ever feel like you just want to curl up and die? I'm trying to battle my depression, however, I refused to get my prescriptions because I knew my DH was going to have expenses, and I figure since he's the breadwinner, he has to come first. I wish everything didn't always come down to money!!! I have been worrying myself sick about how we are going to survive with DH being off work for at least 2 weeks, maybe longer. I decided to try and sell my powerchair. DH, and my son didn't like the idea, but I figure if I can sell it for at least half of what I paid for it, I can use some of the money and buy me just a regular wide wheel chair, and use the remainder to get my family by until DH can go back to work. What else is a person to do? I'm sick or worrying!! I'm sick of having to be the only one that seems to care!!! I'm sorry I'm so negative right now, I just know that I have to have this surgery or I am not going to be around to be the one to worry. God, am I crazy or what? lol I'm not around the messageboard much lately because I don't want to bring others down, and it just seems like my life is on such a downhill swing right now. I do check in on everyone and am so happy for those that are getting their surgery dates, and everyone that is losing!! Keep up the good work girls, and guys!!! I can only pray at this point that I will be joining them soon. I also got some bad news on my open wound while all this is going on with DH. My wound culture came back with staph infection, and there again, I can't afford the antibiotics. Will my life ever turn around? I can only pray it does. Again, for anyone reading this, I"m sorry I'm so down right now.
April 11, 2006 Wow, it's been a while since I updated. lol Well, DH has improved greatly after his attack, and is back at work. Talk about a very scary time in my life. I feel much better and am starting my journey to the losing side again! My paperwork to Junction City will be in the mail tomorrow! I had an appointment with my pulmonologist on Monday, and he is such a wonderful man!! He told me that my lungs are good, and so is my heart, so now is the time to make my move and get the surgery done. Just knowing he supports me makes it seem easier. I know I still have quite a journey ahead of me, and now with things calmed down around here, I'm ready to put on my boxing gloves and hit it full force!!!
April 25, 2006 I have to tell you I've been so lax on working towards this surgery. *frown* Why? At first life kept throwing me barriers, and even when I thought I was ready to hit it full force, I didn't. Then I think the fear of WLS has kept me from moving along..Well, yesterday, I talked to my "angel" that I met here on OH. Donna. Boy did she give me a lot to think about, and get me motivated!! My paperwork is now in the mail!!! I think the thing Donna told me that stands out most is we have two choices...one to sit here and die doing nothing, or we can die trying....and like she said, she'd rather die trying!! Well, I'm back to trying!! Life IS worth trying for!!! My son is now a member of our Kansas National Guard, he signed his papers two nights ago, and is gone for his MEPS physical, and ASFAB test the next two days. He will be gone to basic training this summer, and I keep wondering what if they want me to do my surgery while he's gone.....well, I made that decision, I'm going to have it done no matter when the date is!!! I want to live!!! I want to see my son grow more mature, I want to have grandchildren, I want to live!!!!! The next seminar in Juction City is May 9th, and I'm already working to ensure I can make that seminar!!!
May 27,2006 My Goodness, what a wild month!! I haven't had the chance, nor the energy to update, and didn't even realize that Myra had done such a wonderful job on sprucing up my profile until a few days ago....Thank You Myra!!! Well, I think the one thing going through my mind at this point, is how in the world do I learn to put myself first and formost? I don't want that to sound selfish, but I'm beginning to realize that until I do learn to do that, my surgery just continues to be put at the back of my things to do. The month of May has been sheer hell!!! My DH's oldest brother suffered some kind of heart illness, and we as a family had to make the decision to remove him from life support and let him go. We buried him on the 10th. On the 12th I ended up in the hospital for a week. My pulmonologist says it was because of allergies kicking in my ashtma. My personal opinion is it was the stress from being up and moving more in the week of my brother-in-laws illness than I have probably moved in 6 months. In any event it scared the wits out of me. I laid in the hospital dreaming.....yes.....dreaming of what it would feel like to be waking up from WLS...and how wonderful it would be to be on the losing side of things. Sheer heaven!!! Now that I've been home for about a week, the steroids are wearing off and my bones and joints are really beginning to hurt again, and I know more than ever that if I am ever going to feel "normal" I have got to have my WLS!!!!! One thing that I did do during all the illness with my brother-in-law was I broke down and talked to everyone in my husband's family about my wanting and needing WLS.....I had been opposed to telling them for the fear of the negativity. Guess what? It was the best thing I could have done!!! Not one person was negative about it, nothing but sheer love and support!! I know that my DH is going to need all the support he can get while I'm going through this, and even though I am the one that has to have the surgery done, My DH is a major part of this also!!!! Without him I am nothing, and if I had to worry about him I think my healing would be slowed, so thanks to God now I know that when my time for the surgery comes, my DH will also have a huge network of support!!!!! I have found out that my insurance co has once again approved me for the surgery!!!!! YEAH!! Now, I will call Tuesday to schedule my psych eval, and see exactly what all I need to do to get the ball rolling. With this being Memorial Day weekend, I can't help but think of what it will feel like to be healthy. We have many family get togethers to attend in the next few days, and I keep praying my big ole body can hold up to all the stress and strain of just being able to attend. I love being around family, but I also feel most comfy in my own home. I have learned to get anywhere in life we have to give a little to get a little, so this weekend, I am going to get out and attempt to live a little. This month with the death, and sickness has really opened my eyes, and I want to be around those I love. Well everyone, I hope you will all keep me in your prayers, and before long I can be on the losing side with everyone else.
About Me
Pittsburg, KS
Location
37.7
BMI
Surgery
10/02/2006
Surgery Date
Jan 12, 2006
Member Since
