mylou

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Let's start with the bad news...  I got my first migraine since surgery last night.  The culprit?... caffeine!  I ordered a coffee yesterday while talking on the phone.  About an hour later and half way thru the cup (yes I sip my coffee slowly) I realized I felt a little jittery and shaky and thought, 'oh, no! I forgot to ask for decaf!'  Serves me right... talking on the phone while ordering (how rude of me... does it help if I mention it was a call from the babysitter I couldn't refuse?...)  Well, I finished the coffee anyway (it was yummy) and last night I paid for it.  About 9:00 I lost my peripheral vision and by 9:20 my headache was there.  I avoided the nausea by going straight to bed after taking my imitrex.  This morning I still have the residual effects, but feel much better.  The only thing I figure that changed yesterday was the caffeine, which I have not had any of since surgery... so, no more for me!  We'll see if I get any others.

Good news... I've lost a little over 60 lbs since surgery!  I am super excited about that.  I am easily fitting into a size 18 or 1x. Some larges work, but it is mostly hit or miss with those.  I did buy one dress that is labeled a 14W that fit nicely everywhere except in the back. I had to have darts put in at the waist to give it some shape!  I am wearing it this weekend on my date with my husband to celebrate our 13Th anniversary.  I can't wait!

Good news... My knee's are completely better from what ever I did to them attempting to walk/jog the C25K.  I have resolved to walk briskly for now and I am OK with that.  I will try a 5K again, however, not just yet!

Good news... I have decided to take a job outside the home.  It is the first time I've worked full-time since I had kids (10 yrs ago).  60 lbs ago the hours would have been too much for me.  I didn't have the stamina to work all day, 5 days a week and have anything left for the family.  There are so many things I can do now that I couldn't do before.  I really hadn't realized how encumbered I was because of my weight.  The difference is phenomenal!  My family sees it, my friends see it and I see it.  I am so fortunate to have been able to have the sleeve.  I agree with my mother who pointed out that I am so worth the investment!

Keep Smilin'

Afternoon-
Well it happened again!  My knees started bothering me after my 3rd walk/jog.  I woke up Tuesday morning last week and they were killing me.  I hoped they were just sore and that they would feel better as the day wore on.  No such luck!  I started taking my prescription anti-inflammatory medicine and wrapped my knees and laid off the exercising for a week.  Monday I went for a very casual walk, a little over 1 mile and iced my knees afterward.  They did not bother me yesterday and I plan on going for another walk today.  I intend to pick up the pace but I am very anxious about my knees... you'd think I am eighty years old the way they are bothering me...it is frustrating to say the least.  So, once again I have to nix the "training" and walk for now.  I looked up some knee strengthening exercises (quad strengthening and hamstring stretching, really) on the Internet and will try those in addition to walking for now.  So, frustrated!...
Evening-
I went for a walk with kids (they rode their bikes) and I am pleased.  I wore a knee brace on my left knee and it really helped.  I didn't have any pain during or after walking.  I walked at a good pace, actually faster than when I walk/jog!  Go figure!  Well anyway, feeling loads better about what my body is ready to do.  It looks like jogging is out of the picture for a little while.  Feeling hopeful... walking is the best thing for now. 

I finally decided to start training again for a 5k.  I'd like to run one in October.  I have planned for the last two years to participate in the Live Strong Challenge in Austin, TX. with my brother.  He trains for the 100 mile bike ride and I was going to 'not walk' a 5k.  Well, I never ended up going.  I would get into training and stop because it was hurting my knees.  After surgery I didn't rush into training again wanting to let some of the weight come off and hoped that when I picked it up again they wouldn't hurt so much.  I've decided that 50 lbs down is a good time to try and tonight after my walk/jog intervals they weren't hurting so bad.  I still iced them down just in case.  I am using the c25k program.  I had used it in the past and liked it... I just could never get that first week down.  I'd work on it for 2-3 weeks, getting almost finished then have to call it quits to heal my knees.  Tonight however I nearly ran the whole thing.  Amazing!  My form was better, I felt lighter on my feet and the cardio aspect of it didn't knock my out!  I feel great!  I hope I am able to see it through this time...

Oh, I wanted to mention that I use a great website to track my training and other physical activity... mapmytri.com.  They have versions for biking, running, walking, and swimming... I just use the tri. version because it is a dream of mine to participate in one one day, also, I do love a good swim and bike ride.  You can map your routes and get accurate distances and estimated caloric burn based on distance and time taken.  I love it.

-Keep Smilin'

Today I finally got under the 50 lbs mark and I realized I haven't been loosing my weight gracefully.  I have been so obsessed with the scale and wanting to see losses that I have lost sight of why I wanted the surgery in the first place.  Reading my past blog posts (even the one 2 days ago) is upsetting because I haven't been looking at the big picture.  I don't know why it has just occurred to me that I seriously need to change my attitude.  I decided to ask my neighbor (who has been my saving grace through out this journey) to take my progress pictures.  It's funny because on the day of surgery when I was leaving my kids in her care for the next 2 days she insisted I let her take my "before surgery" pictures.   I absolutely did not want to do it.  She kept presisting, saying that I would be glad to have them one day.  Well today is that day.  I can finally appreciate the changes I have gone thru in the last 3 and a half months.  I don't know where my head has been.  I've been down on myself for not loosing fast enough or not receiving compliments from others, but what I really need to be focused on is how good I feel and how much healthier I am.  Those are the reasons I got the surgery... to feel better, I was always feeling like crap and I needed to be healthier.  I did not have the surgery for any other reason and today I feel 100 times better than when I was 288 and I know I am healthier too.  So, I decided to help get things in perspective my first step would be to take some more freaking pictures and show myself the improvements I have made.  And I see it, finally.  Physical changes are not the reason I had the surgery but it is true that seeing the changes helps in catching my head up with what my body is really doing...50 lbs is nothing to sneeze at, it is GREAT!  My body is going thru so many changes I honestly don't know what I've been complaining about... I need to remember how amazing my body is and that I can never neglect it or abuse it with food again.  Just wanted to get this out there.  Now I feel better. 

It has been 14 weeks and 1 day since surgery.  I now weigh 238.6 as of yesterday.  I think about loosing weight, the surgery or eating all the time.  I occasionally think of exercising but have not started a routine yet.  I do want to.  It is very hot now and I am kept so busy with the kids.  I like staying busy, it is easier to keep calories down when I have a busy day.  When we are at home I find myself eating more carbs than I would like.  I have stopped journaling my food.  Many of the foods I eat are difficult to track.  I didn't feel like I was getting an accurate calorie, protein or carb count.  I have been using caloriecount.about.com.  I think we eat out too much.  I feel as though I am ill prepared to eat at home because we have such a busy family.  Last week we ate out 7 times.  We also went to a movie and I had popcorn ( a very small amount...it made me feel sick) and we spent 5 evenings at the ball park and I had a few of my daughter's nachos two of those nights.  Up until about 3 weeks ago I had not eaten very many carbs.  Just before my period I was craving chocolate... that is not something I ate often before surgery.  I do a pretty good job of listening to my body when I have had enough food, but I could do better.  Some days it seems that all I want to do all day is eat and other days I'm fine with very little at all.  I still can not tolerate whey protein powders so it is difficult to get all my protein in if I don't go by Smoothie King and get a gladiator...thing about those is I cannot be sure how many calories and carbs are in them once they add the fruit and fruit juices.

I feel a hundred time better about my body now than I did before surgery.  I still feel "fat" and I think people still see me as "fat".  Not very many people have commented on my weight loss.  A few have and I have struggled with whether or not to tell them I've had the surgery.  I feel compelled to tell those who are overweight about the WLS because it has been such a great tool for me.  I finally feel a sence of control over the food I put in my body.  I want other people who suffer like I have to know their is hope.  Before surgery was an option for me I felt SO hopeless.  In the beginning I was worried the weight wouldn't come off.  I think I've proven to myself that the surgery works and I can beat this food addiction I am battling.  I want others to know that their is help out there.

I am going down in clothing sizes, but wish the scale would move faster.  I feel like I have been trying to get down to 238 (50 lb mark) for weeks now.  Of course currently I am on my period and as a result I believe I am retaining water.  I am wearing a very loose size 22/24.  The pants are falling off and I will soon need to buy smaller sizes.  I was a little discouraged the other day in Wal-Mart... I thought I would try some of their clothes because they are so inexpensive and I do not want to spend a fortune on clothes as I continue to drop sizes...however their 1x was much too tight for me... I was hoping to be out of the 2x shirts by now.  I tried not to get upset...I guess I am just getting ahead of myself.

It is so much easier to stay active during the days.  Before surgery it was nothing if not habit for me to sleep 1-2 hours in the afternoons.  Many of those days I needed the rest just to make it through the day without biting someone's head off.  But now I do not need the rest and can accomplish so much more during the day than before.  I just have more energy than before... I guess this is how 'normal' feels.  It is amazing the correlation between food and how I feel.  If I eat crappy then I feel crappy.  This is not news to me... I mean I knew this is what people said before, but now I know it... I can feel the difference for myself and that is huge for me.  For me it is like smoking... 10 years ago I knew it was awful for me but until I quit I never really knew just how sick it was making me and just how bad I was hurting myself.  Same with the food.  I can totally see how my diet was killing me before and how important it is that I teach my children to take better care of their bodies.

I have been rambling...I guess I will just wrap it up by saying I am very happy to be loosing weight and figuring out this food addiction I've got.

Keep Smilin' :-)

8 weeks along and feeling good!  In the last 4 weeks I have dropped around 12 lbs.  I am very pleased to report my weight is now 255.8!  This number is much better than where I started!  I feel better than I have in a very long time.  It is easier to move and can tell a difference in my daily stamina and activity level.  I definitely do not fatigue as soon as I did at my higher weight.  I can tell a difference in the way my clothes are fitting.  I think I look a little better too although I have not taken my measurements since 1 week before surgery.  I weigh twice a day, and do not stress over the numbers.  I only count my weekly Tuesday weight. 

I am able to eat more variety of food now and find it easy to graze.  I get "hungry" about every 3 hours and if I eat something small at those times I can resist the more tempting foods I need to stay away from.  I have had fried chicken fingers a couple of times and although I can only eat one chicken finger I can tell a difference in how I feel (I want to loaf around and lack energy).  When I make healthier choices I feel great, not so healthy choices equals feeling like crap.  I am amazed to learn how my body responds to food and sorry to realize what I was doing to my body before. 

I still am not exercising like I want to be.  I do have more energy than before and spend more time playing with the kids, practicing ball, riding bikes and stuff, but I have not worked out and specific routine to get exercise in everyday.  The kids will be out of school soon and extra activities will settle down a bit.  Looking forward to that!

I have met my first mini goal.  I wanted to weigh less than what my driver's license says I weigh (260).  The next goal I haven't set yet...I think it will be to get down to the weight I was just after having my third child (223) or to the weight I was when I got pregnant with my first (208)...maybe they will be my mini goals 2 and 3!  Yes, these are my next two mini goals.

I have not had too bad a problem dealing with my emotional eating.  I have found that if I eat before I get "hungry" then it is easier to deal with my emotions instead of eating them.  I also have been to a couple of support group meetings and I am learning to ask myself if I am hungry, angry, sad or tired before I put something unhealthy into my body... it helps!

Yesterday was my four week mark and I have lost 21 lbs.  I am a little disappointed that the weight didn't come off faster the first month, but I am trying to keep it in perspective.  From what I've read, I think this loss is within the average for the first month.  Also, considering where I was at the beginning of this journey, I'll take it... 267 sounds a lot better that 288.  I went for a check up with my doctor at 2 weeks and was down 16 lbs then.  He was pleased with my progress and I'll go back to him at 8 weeks out. 

I have been to one support group meeting and I am going to another one tonight.  The topic tonight is emotional eating, something I have to address!  I had my first post surgery struggle with this just this week after having a pity party cause I couldn't eat my frustrations and anger away.  (I was frustrated with hubby for going to bed at 8:30 and leaving me to put kids down, wash last minute clothes for next day, pick up left overs in kitchen...which I wanted to eat, not pick up...feed the dog, do the dishes, etc.etc...I was tired too, but I think I was mostly upset I couldn't eat what I wanted too and that made me want to eat....anyway, I am rambling). 

I have not been walking like I need to be.  No excuses!  I have to get a routine down that includes going to the gym.  I have been cleared to do vigorous exercise and my doc. encourages strength training from here on out.  I just have to DO it!  I am walking in a 5K the weekend of the 24Th for the march of dimes.  My brother and I walked in it last year and I did fine.  I have set a goal for myself this year.  Last year I was one of the last 10 to finish but then I was just happy I finished (it took me 1 hr 15 min).  In march, a week before surgery I walked another 5K (for breast cancer awareness) and finished in 1 hr 2 min.  My goal is to beat that time and not finish last. 

I still am not consuming many calories.  I average around 600 or so (although there are a few days I have eaten around 900) and I get in all my protein and most of my water.  I have not measured yet post surgery but I can tell my clothes are fitting better.  I have lots more energy and have noticed it is so much easier to get around.  Going up the stairs doesn't hurt my knees and I played ball with my husband and kids this Sunday and it was wonderful. I feel great.

Well that is it for now...things are good.

What a difference a day makes!  Saturday I couldn't wait to start full liquids but when the time came on Sunday morning to "eat" the stuff, I couldn't.  I just didn't want it.  What I really wanted was to drink.  I have been getting in nearly 60 oz of fluids and 80 g of protein drinking them.  When I tried the pudding mixed with protein powder I could only "eat" two small bits.  I think my stomach is not really ready for the more dense food.  I tried again today with the protein shake and couldn't take more than four sips before I felt like it was a mistake.  I was very happy yesterday and again today to have my chicken broth...it is more agreeable with my stomach!  So for now, I'll stick to the clear liquids and just add the full liquids very slowly.  Two days from now I am sure I'll be in a totally different place.  This relearning how to listen to my body, not my head is slow going...but, I am enjoying it.
Oh yeah, I conquered the block today, no problems...ready to get moving again!

It has been four days since my surgery on Tuesday and I am doing OK.  I had alot of vomiting issues in the hospital and was kept a little longer to make sure everything resolved itself.  Everything did and I was released home on Wednesday.  So far things seems as though they are progressing "normally". I have a strange feeling in my tummy that is reminiscent of hunger.  I am still on clear liquids and can not wait to move up to full liquids.  What I would prefer even more though, is some real food.  I am surprised how I feel being around my family's food.  All the smells and visuals while preparing their meals is surprisingly hard to ignore.  I want some.  I wouldn't dare because I know it would be a huge mistake, but still..., ah, anyway, chicken broth isn't cutting it.  Hopefully I'll feel different when I have full liquids, some soup and yogurt.  Can't wait till tomorrow.
Oh, yeah... I walked once around the block yesterday (nearly half a mile) and think that was a little ambitious.  Gonna rest today and try the block again tomorrow.

Today I went in for my psychological evaluation.  The clinical therapist told me she was going to recommend I have therapy before surgery.  She said that seclusion was a sign of depression and I need to talk to someone.  I am so frustrated!  I think she is wrong.  I was honest about some postpartum depression I had after having 3 kids in 31/2 years but that has gotten so much better if not resolved itself!  My youngest is 5 years old.  I have some monthly moodiness but what woman doesn't?  Mostly I just hate being heavy.  I am uncomfortable in my own skin.  It hurts to be fat.  It is uncomfortable to be fat.  It is embarrassing to be fat.  It is inconvenient to be fat.  I don't like it but I don't let it overtake me.  I am VERY shy...so when she asked if I avoid social events I answered yes.  Wrong answer!!!  Apparently being shy is a sign of depression.  Honestly?!?  I was shy as a child, I was shy as a young adult, and I will probably still be shy as an old woman...skinny or not!  Seriously, I am very angry!  I am not a recluse.  I don't let my weight keep me from volunteering at the kids schools or showing up for baseball games or teaching at the church.  I haven't missed a single family function or shower or wedding.... AHHH! ...
Wednesday I did all the pre op with the hospital, surgical nurse, radiology and nutritionist.  I am supposed to have surgery Tuesday, March 16th... If Dr. Bellanger delays it I will be extremely disappointed.