Chere S.

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Well, where do I begin.  I am almost 18 months out now.  Can you believe it.  I have lost 138 lbs.  I now weigh 164.6.  Wow!!!  I'm in a size 12 pants, but think I may need to try a smaller size soon or get a belt, and in shirts I am wearing a large.  I never thought I'd say any of those words...at least in reference to me.

As for the eating, I am doing OK.  I've had some pretty life changing events happen so that has really messed things up for me.  But in all of that I seem to have lost some of my tolerance for sugar so that's a good thing.

As I wrote back in November, my husband and I were starting counseling.  Things were going fair, but still not all that great.  A lot of the sarcasm and the fighting had stopped, but there was still a big component missing in my life.  I went to Seattle for a week vacation, alone, and that gave me time to think.  That wasn't the purpose of the trip, but it turned out to be one of those things that just happened.  While I was there I was soooo happy.  I felt like me again.  As I saw friends that I hadn't seen in 6-13 years I realized that they were still my friends.  They still cared alot about me.  You see, my husband had tried to tell me that they wouldn't be the same as they used to be.  That things would be different with so much time passing and everybody going on with their lives.  What I found out is that he must not have a true friend, because nothing changed with our relationships.  They actually were better.  Being more mature helped all of us realize how much we did mean to each other.

Another thing that happened was I received more compliments in that week from a few good friends than I have the whole time I've been married (11 years).  To this day my husband has still not said I look good after my weight loss.  Nor did he say it prior.  When he would call me everyday I would dread the call because I knew it would be filled with negativity.  There was never any shared joy for me having such a good time.  Instead he would try to belittle the things I was doing.  And for a week, he never said I love you or I miss you. 

When I talked with a good friend up there, I was telling him about some of my marital problems.  I told him how losing weight has helped me regain some of my confidence.  He stopped me, looked me in the eye and his exact comment was "Chere, when have you not been confident?"  He knew me when I weighed 270 lbs.  He knew the fat me.  But that me back then was very strong and very confident despite being morbidly obese.  That's when it hit me.  My husband took the best parts of me.  So while I was away I made the decision that I couldn't live like this anymore.

I came home and told my husband I wasn't happy and didn't want to be married.  I am in the process of filing for a divorce right now.  I should be able to file early next week as the attorney has all of my paperwork.  He's being pretty agreeable so that's making things easier.  I just want this all to be over with.

I will stay in my house, we will share parenting of the children and I will get the opportunity to get my SELF back.  I'm scared, but excited at the same time.

I thought I'd share this all with you, since you've all been such a great source of support.  And Lord knows I need all the support I can get right now.  So...on to the next chapter of my life.

So, it's been a year since I had my surgery.  Is it everything I hoped it would be?  Mostly.  I wish I couldn't tolerate sugar...although the past few weeks, I think my body is starting to reject the whole sugar thing...which I guess is a good thing.  I do like a little sweet something everyday, though.  I had hoped I would make my goal weight by one year, but that didn't happen.  I am 40 lbs from my goal right now.  If I had lost the last six months like I did the first six months, I would've made it...but that's just not the way it happened. 

I know I am so much healthier.  I lost 118 lbs at my one year visit.  It was an "up" day.  I am toggling between 117-121 lbs lost.  The weight loss has pretty much stalled out.  I started exercising again this week after a very long hiatus.  I thought I'd be really tired and worn out, but I actually feel pretty good and was surprised how much I was able to do even after having been idle for so long.  I guess that's another of those positive changes.

I am having some problems with my marriage.  It's nothing that's new, but it seems like the healthier both physically and emotionally I am, the more my husband doesn't like it.  I put up with less and that makes life pretty hard sometimes around here.  We are going to start marriage counseling next week.  I am more than happy to accept responsibility for my part in this marriage, but I'm not going to be the dumping ground for everything anymore.  I have shouldered the blame for most things for quite some time and I can't and won't do that anymore.  So we'll see what happens.

Why is it that I've had to lose over 100 lbs for people to start asking me..."have you lost weight?"  DUH!!!!  Maybe people are just being kind and didn't want to say anything...or was I just so huge that it wasn't really noticable until 120 lbs were gone.  I just find that odd.  And then when you tell them how much you've lost they can hardly believe that either..."you weren't that big"...oh yes I was.

OK, I'm just rambling now...like I always do.  I guess I better end this...I'm sure it's not making any sense.

How is it that my scale says I weigh 178, and the last time I weighed at the Langley Y it said I was 188 (while my scale said 178) and today I weighed at the downtown Y and it says I weigh 195 (and my scale still says 178)?  I was very upset by this today.  I'm not sure how my scale went from being off by about 8-9 lbs to 17 lbs.  I think it's time to trash the scale and get a new one.

I rarely talk about what I do, other than I am a nurse, I work in critical care...it is who I am, it is what I do. The kinds of patients I care for are the sickest ones in the hospital, not only do the require the most care, they require a lot of thinking, and sometimes they require a lot of your emotions. Today was such a day. I have grown "accustomed" to death. It is a part of what I do. Do I cry when someone dies? Almost always. Is it hard to see someone die? Sometimes it is, sometimes you know it is best, sometimes you are almost glad that it's over...especially when you see suffering. Sometimes, especially in the area I work, you see humor in almost everything that happens...today I didn't smile much.

I spend a lot of time with patients and families. Like I said...that's just what I do, it's my job. Most of the times I can keep myself disconnected in such a way that I don't get too attached. I find it easier now that I only work 3 days and have 4 days off. (I used to work 6-7 in a row, and have 6-7 off). I am able to do what I need to, but as time passes, a lot of times I can keep my emotions in check. Today I could not.

All weekend I cared for the same two patients. Two people with very sad situations, both expected to die soon. I left work last night knowing that one was certainly going to die before I got back to work this morning. He did not. I spent all weekend watching his wife being tormented watching him die. I could see so much love in her face. I don't always see that. It felt good to be in her presence, it felt good to be in the presence of their children. She struggled this morning wanting to do what was right, but wondering why he would not leave. Wanting to know why was he staying, what was he waiting for? She thought that maybe he didn't want her to see him die, so she was going to go home for a little while. I told her that whatever she decided, it was OK, and that I would call her immediately if his condition changed. I left the room so she could say goodbye. I walked away for a minute and came back and she had pressed the call light. I went in and he was gone. What followed next really got to me. This man had been essentially unresponsive all weekend. Barely responding to any kind of stimulus. She told me she told him that she was going to leave, that she understood if he didn't want her to be there and she asked him one last time, do you want me to go. He opened his eyes, looked right at her, and then he passed. How amazing that she was able to see his eyes, his eyes filled with the same love she had for him, just that one last time. I got to spend a lot of time with her today as she told me all about him. I also spent a lot of time with tears in my eyes. How amazing for me that she shared that moment with me.

It wasn't but about an hour and a half after his death that the doctor and palliative care nurse talked with my other patient. She had an accident and it is believed that she would be dependent on machines for life. We took her sedation off and had to discuss with her, her diagnosis and her long term prognosis and what her wishes were. She adamantly denied she wanted to be kept alive by machines. Later, the family came in and we had the same discussion with them alone. It breaks my heart to see a grown man cry. The one you thought was the strongest in the family, was the one who seemed to take the news the hardest. They all knew her prognosis and what her life was going to be like, but they were hoping that she would choose to live by artificial means. They were also respectful of their mother and wanted to do whatever it was that she wished for. We all went back in the room and talked with the patient and family together. She was able to express to them that she didn't want any of this anymore. What got to me was when they asked her if she was ready to go home to Jesus and she nodded with such conviction. I lost it then.

After they spent their time with her, they told me they were ready. As the day progressed and I was checking in on them to make sure she wasn't in any distress, I saw one of her children sketching. She had drawn the most amazing, most beautiful picture I've ever seen. It was a picture of her mother's hand on the blanket, with every detail...her armband, her IV's, tubing, wires, call bells, wrinkles in the blanket. It was perfect. I told her later that I had seen her sketching and how beautiful I thought it was. They then told me my patient was also an artist and shared her sketches she had drawn...and not only that, they shared many things about her that I had not known. I wish I had been able to know the woman they knew...I think she was probably a pretty amazing lady.

You can tell when a parent has done a good job. I saw two perfect examples this weekend. Two separate families, yet two families who were so respectful of the staff, but mostly respectful of their loved ones. And with both families, you could see and feel the love in the rooms. I hope when I die I am surrounded by that much love.

I am absolutely mentally exhausted. Today really took it's toll on me. Like I said, most days it doesn't. But today I was really touched. I am thankful for my next four days off.

So for the last couple of months my weight has barely been budging.  It would move a little bit, but not very much, and definitely not very frequently.  Not too long ago I posted I had finally made it to onederland.  I was excited to finally be there, but it took many weeks to get from that 202 to 198.  Well, a few days I weighed myself and was down to 192 and I was so excited to see my weight move again.  Well, I got on the scale this morning and to my SURPRISE it was 187.  I stepped on the scale about 4 times just to make sure...and indeed it was true.  I hope this is the end of the stall for me.  Although I wasn't really frustrated, it was what it was, I had that little thought in the back of my head "is this all there is going to be?"  Well, now I know it's not and the weight loss is on again.  I was losing very steadily and I hope it continues as I make it through these next 47 lbs to get to my goal.  I can't believe I have less than 50 lbs to get there.

For the longest time, tomato based sauces weren't sitting well with me, so I just avoided them.  Recently, I've tried some thin crust pizza and it went down OK, no problems  Eggface (from the main board) always seems to have some nummy looking food/recipes posted, so I just did my own variation for pizza.  So this is what I had:

1 flour tortilla layered with:
puttanesca sauce, fresh pineapple, Tyson chicken strips, ricotta cheese and some shredded cheese (co-jack blend).

Put in 350 deg oven until all is melted and warm/hot.  (I think next time I will try at 400 deg just to make the crust crispier.)

It was absolutely delicious.  I didn't measure everything out, but based on the recipe calculator I used it was approx. 280 cal and had about 17 gms of protein and 10 gm of protein.  Of course, that could be adjusted based on how many toppings you put on.  Next time I may actually measure ingredients so I can get a more accurate idea of the real calorie count.  

It was soooo nummy and very filling.  Now if only I could have a diet coke with it.

I have lost 100 lbs!!!  Woohoo!!!  I was starting to think I  was never going to make it.  I think we all get to a point where we think we aren't going to lose anymore.  It's all those failed diets that make me think this is just going to go away one day.  

I'm still not consistent with my exercise.  I really need to work on that.  I went to the gym yesterday.  I go sporadically these days.  I found that I have much more stamina for the cardio workout portion, but my strength has definitely declined.  I was able to jog for 4 minutes.  If I would've pushed myself, I probably could've gone longer, but what I did felt good.  It was by no means a run...it was a whopping 4.2 mph, but it's a start.  And most important, my achilles didn't bother me afterwards.  Today I didn't go to the gym, but I'm letting my breakfast settle and hopping on the treadmill here at home.  I might even go for a bike ride...it's such a beautiful day.

My hair finally quit falling out about a week ago.  Now it's just the normal few strands instead of the fingerfuls.  It's already been growing back in.  I have to be careful now in the sun as my scalp is much more exposed and it likes to burn.  Not so fun.  I've been trying to wear hats when I'm outside.  Probably a good habit to get into, but I do like a good tan, not so good for that.  I cut about 3 or 4 inches off my hair.  I felt like it was starting to look stringy the thinner it was getting.  It looks much healthier now.

Oh, and one more thing...my husband of few compliments finally the other day said something.  I was getting ready for work and went to tell him goodbye and he looks up and said "wow, you are looking good".  It's about time...wish it hadn't taken 100 lbs for him to say that.  

I had my 6 month visit today.  I saw Dr. F today.  I was kind of hoping it would be Dr. L because I haven't seen him since my 6 wk visit, but oh well, it is what it is.  I like Dr. F, too.  So here's the lowdown...I am now 207, that's 95 lbs lost and 52% of my excess weight (if you go by their goal weight...which is 120).   Personally, I think that goal is a little low, I'd be happy at 140 (I think).  I wouldn't be happy if I stopped losing now.  He said I was doing good, then he paused and said "very good".  He did say that they usually set a goal that might be a little on the low side, but that what really counts is that I reach MY weight loss goal.  My labs were perfect, the only thing was that my glucose was on the low side (but not critically low).  

I called and told my mom and she was very complimentary (like she always is ) and then said she couldn't imagine me smaller.  Well, I told her I have a lot more fat to get rid of, so she'll just have to believe it when she sees it.  I think this is the smallest I've been my adult life (except maybe when I was 19 I was about 30 lbs lighter), so I guess I see where she's coming from.  I have a skirt that I wore on my 21st birthday...it's a junior size 15 from Nordstrom's.  I am using that as my guide.  I think I only wore it twice and it was tight each time  I wore it, but that's what padded shoulder blazers were for...to hide the gut and butt (gotta love the 80's and early 90's). When I can fit into that I know I'm on the downhill slide.  I'll also have to put things into perspective and remind myself how huge I thought I was at that time and proud I am now that I'm that small.  

I'll take some new pics when I get my hair done.  It's grows so quick that I have a ton of gray, even though I just colored it a month ago.  I used to be able to go about 6-8 weeks before it was "too" bad, but not anymore.  I think I might get a new cut.  Now that it's so thin, I feel like it's stringy being long, so I think I'll try a shorter hairstyle.  We'll see.  My hair was really short 2 years ago and now look how long it is.  It will always grow back even if I don't like it.  It's time for a change anyways.

Well, I think that's about it for now, just wanted to add the update.

I went to the Y today.  It's been a long time.  I was thinking it had been a few weeks, but when I went to log in my workout, I saw that I hadn't been there since Feb 26.  That's bad!!!  I had been going at least 3 times a week.  It was hard to get started and after I did my weights I was gonna bag the cardio workout, but I perservered and got on the elliptical.  I did 30 min and tried the random hill workout.  I found that even though I hadn't been to the gym I was able to keep a great pace the whole time and made it through the whole workout without feeling exhausted.  Now, I just need to keep going.  I feel so much better when I do go.  

I'm now 8.75 lbs away from onederland.  I can't wait to get there.  Maybe if I work really hard I'll be there before my visit with Dr. L on the 15th.  That would be exciting.  However, I don't think I've ever lost 8 lbs in one week.  I would love it if I could lose 6 lbs and then be at 100 lbs lost.  That would be just as exciting for me.  If not...that's OK, too.

I am starting to fit into 16's.  So that is also exciting.  It's nice not to be squished into my clothes anymore.  Now, if I only had the money to just go buy cute clothes.  

My mind is wandering, so I think that's enough for this post.