Chere S.

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Ok, so now I am two weeks post op.  Things are going much better.  I am finally able to sleep in my bed.  I am moving around a lot better.  The only thing that is still hard for me is bending at the waist, it's a little painful.  After having a hard time with some foods, I was afraid to try new things.  We went out of town this past weekend and I kind of had to try some new things.  I found that I could eat grits...but they didn't really taste very good.  I ate oatmeal...that was good.  In fact this morning I had some Quaker's Weight Control Oatmeal.  I think it went down too easy because now I'm feeling a little full...didn't account for any swelling of the oats.  

Overall, things are going very well for me.  I'm glad.  Now to start getting some things done around the house.  This place is a disaster.  Everyone has had a cold, been out of town, husband is in school 5 days a week...not much has been getting done.  

I can't really tell I've lost any weight.  Maybe my t-shirts are a little looser, but other than that I can't really tell.  I tried to wear a pair of jeans the other day and about died.  I guess my tummy wasn't ready to be bound up.  I think I'll wait a little while longer before trying that again.  

Well, I think those are the only new things going on.  Two more weeks and then it's back to work. 

Down 17.5 pounds!!!!!  I'm so excited.  It's working. 

Read about them, had them, don't ever want them again.  Note to self, eggs equal excruciating pain for 6 hours and foamies.

1 oz canned tuna fish
1/2 oz shredded cheddar cheese
1 tbsp 98% fat free cream of mushroom soup condensed

Mix together, place in microwave for about 40 seconds.  Stir ingredients half way through.  Enjoy

Calories:  65
Fat: 1 gm
Carbs: 1 gm
Protein: 10 gm

Well, I woke up feeling fair this morning.  I figured I had to give everything another shot today...minus the milk.  I had my protein shake (Unjury unflavored with V8 Splash) and it wasn't too bad.  The taste was OK, as long as I didn't smell it.  I've been drinking all day.  I have even had my second protein shake of the day.  I also have been able to eat a couple of small meals.  Had cottage cheese and pears for breakfast and tuna salad for lunch.  So far I've tolerated everything, no pains.  I took a walk outside for the first time today.  It is such a beautiful day.  I'm glad things are easier today, I was feeling pretty depressed yesterday.

Well, I tried to have a good day today.  Let me preface this entry by saying that it may be TMI for some, so you might want to quit reading.  Anyways, since yesterday I had been having a problem with diarrhea, so I went today and got some Immodium.  I took the max number of doses and although it slowed down, I still felt horrible.  I started the morning off with a protein drink.  A couple hours later I ate a little bit of eggs with cheese and then I got a sharp epigastric pain.  So I stopped.  I was a bit disappointed because I only ate about a tablespoonful and was hoping to eat more today to get more protein in with regular food.  No such luck.  I waited my 30 min and tried to drink some water and got the same pain.  I walked a little bit and tried again later to drink...same pain.  Then everytime I would drink, my tummy and beyond would just gurgle gurgle gurgle.  So after about 2 hours and I still couldn't drink anything, I thought maybe I am just filled up with gas.  I got some Gas X and took it right away.  About 30 min later I could finally drink again.  I'm afraid to eat now and afraid to drink my protein because the last couple of days I got so sick after both.  I'm not sure if it's a lactose intolerance thing, or my pouch just isn't quite ready for food yet.  It's getting frustrating and depressing.  I just want to be able to eat a small meal and get my protein in without feeling horrible all the time.

It's storming, I'm awake, so I thought I'd take the time to try and get my blog updated, so it doesn't get too far behind.  Then maybe I can get back to sleep.

Monday 10/15/2007
It's my birthday, it's my birthday.   At least my new life birthday.  I got to the hospital at 5 am.  I was drained from the previous 4 days.  My last dose of antibiotics on Sunday night didn't agree with me...or I was just plain nervous and that didn't agree with me.  Anyways, I had to get up and take a phenergan pill.  I think that knocked my butt out, and I just didn't really care on Monday morning.  I just wanted to get the whole thing over with.

Pre op was pretty uneventful.  It just took forever to get everything done.  By the time all the docs, nurses did their thing and my mom came back, it was almost time for me to go to the OR.  I had kind of hoped I'd get to spend more time with my mom. That's OK, though.  They took me to the OR, I remember them putting a mask over my face and telling me to take some deep breaths, and the next thing I remember was my bitchy PACU nurse telling me to take some deep breaths and telling me I needed to settle down and quit acting like "that".  I was in a lot of pain, but she wouldn't give me any meds because my respiratory rate was too low.  So I was tapping/kicking my feet (not like a little child) to help me cope with the pain.  She yelled at me to tell me to stop that, it wasn't helping with the pain.  So instead I tried just hitting my fists on the bed...anything that was an outlet for the pain I was trying.  I was crying without the tears, moaning, and she kept telling me I need to stop and quit acting like that. If she hadn't been so damn condescending and a little more compassionate I'd have been fine...but she wasn't.  Then she got my PCA started and started to wheel me out the door.  I thought it was kind of strange since she said my resp rate was so low that she would get rid of me so quick.  I never have had much faith in our PACU nurses anyways, and didn't much care because I figured any care I'd get on the floor had to be better than what she was giving me.  I even remember looking around and seeing nurses that I knew back there and so bad wanted to call out to them to come and help me, but couldn't seem to follow through with any of my thoughts.  The synapses weren't quite firing right yet.

I got to my room a little after 10 am.  My mom and husband were in there waiting for me.  After finally getting my pain controlled, I managed spend the day in a drug induced stupor.  I'd nap for about 40 minutes, wake up hurting, use my pain pump until I dozed off again and just continued that cycle all day.  I got up at 1 pm and made my first two laps.  Before the night ended I had in 7 laps.  I was proud of me for that.  

I had lots of visitors...it was nice to know that people remembered I was there and that they thought enough to come and check on me.  Lots of my nurse friends came to see me.  Pat also came to check on me.  It was nice to feel loved...even if I barely remember visiting with them.  

Tuesday 10/16
Got up about 6 am.  I started my laps for the day.  My goal (set by the nurse) was 20-27.  27 laps equal 1 mile.  So I started with 5 laps.  About 8 am I went for my barium swallow study.  Passed...woo hoo!!!  I got to come back and start drinking and taking ice chips.  Although it was uncomfortable having a dry mouth, it didn't bother me much until I tried to talk.  It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. So the ice chips were nice, but it wasn't like I was dying for them either.  They took my catheter out and stopped my PCA, gave me a dose of Lortab and I was on my way to mobilization.  I walked, walked, and walked...and somewhere in there  finally got in a shower.  All of it felt good.  I felt a little bloated, but it wasn't too bad...and I never got the gas shoulder pain thing...thank goodness.  At the end of this day I had walked 55 laps.  Go, Chere!

Wednesday 10/17
I just kept up with the walking.  I finally put on my own jammies after my shower, and got ready to go home.  I got home about 2:30 and tried to keep up the walking.  Of course, when I got home is when the rain started, so it was just laps around my kitchen and living room.  Tried to keep up with the pain meds and drinking.  I didn't worry about protein this day.

Thursday 10/18
The morning started out pretty good, but by day's end I was pretty miserable.  I tried to get things on a little schedule so I could try to get in all the things I'm supposed to, so the day went like this.

Woke up...drink, drink, drink.  Walked for about 10 min.  Stopped drinking at 7:30.

8:00 Breakfast of 1 tbsp cottage cheese, 1/4 of a canned pear.  Finished the cottage cheese, only ate 1/2 of the pear slice.  Walked for 10 min.

8:45 Started drinking again.

10:00 Made my first protein shake, with the intention to eat lunch around 12 or so.  It took me 3 hours to finish my 8 oz protein drink...not good for the fluid intake.

2:00  Finally ate lunch...1 tbsp of egg salad, 1/2 slice of American cheese.  Only ate about half of each.  Walked again.

2:45  Started drinking again

5:00 Started my second protein drink.  This one was only 3 oz (one of the bullets).  It was little tart, but it only took me one hour.  Still behind on my fluids.  By this time I was feeling a little nauseous, I was hurting, and I was cranky.  Decided to forgo dinner, didn't think I'd be able to tolerate it.

7:00  Feeling a little better after taking pain meds, but still feel quite drained and frustrated with how the day turned out.

Other happenings...finally passed gas, but with that came my first of many loose BM's.  I wish that would stop.  I tried to hold off on the pain meds. That was a really stupid idea.  I guess I'm not quite ready for that yet.

Now it's 3 am.  I actually feel pretty good, considering the time of the night.  The pain isn't bad.  I feel like some of the bloating is gone.  I will try again in the morning with the protein.  Maybe I will try to add some unflavored to some foods tomorrow.  Something tells me I'll still taste it.  I also feel like I needed the rest, so I think tomorrow (today) I will try to take a little nap sometime to see if that helps my mood and what not.

Well, I think I'm finally caught up.  I will post again later.  It has finally stopped raining, so maybe now I can get some sleep.

It was nice to not work today.  I got a chance to go to church.  It was so wonderful.  During praise and worship I broke down.  They were singing a song that really spoke to me.  After I had a good cry, I felt at peace.  Now I'm not scared, I am just ready for 5 am to be here so I can get this ball rolling.  I'm also exhausted.  Nothing sounds good anymore.  I'm done with clear liquids.  Well, I can't concentrate anymore, so I'm going to close this entry.  My next entry will be from the loser's bench.

I Need You More

(Chorus:)
I need You more, more than yesterday
I need You Lord, more than words can say
I need You more, than ever before
I need You Lord
I need You Lord

(Repeat)

(Verse:)
More than the air I breathe
More than the song I sing
More than the next heartbeat
More than anything
And Lord, as time goes by, I will be by your side
Cause I never want to go back to my old life.

Right here in Your presence is where I belong
This old broken heart has finally found a home
And I'll never be alone…Chorus…
I need you more…'cause I never want to go back

The past couple of days have been something.  It has not been nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be.  Some thoughts about the clear liquid diet:

Day one:  Not too terribly bad.  The hardest part that day was when I stuck my hand in a bag of CheezIts to get some out for my kids.  I wasn't hungry at the time.  But it was this whole psychological thing.  It was like my body was wired and programmed to automatically pull my hand out (full of crackers, of course) and stuff them in my mouth.  The sound of the bag crackling, the feel of the crackers in my hand...it was the weirdest thing.  But I did not stuff them in my mouth.  I was good.  Amazingly enough this whole day went pretty smooth.

Day two:  I went to a conference.  I brought my lunch obx full of my clear liquids and a protein drink.  Breakfast was a little hard.  I passed this buffet line of all my favorite breakfast items. I would've loved some eggs, grits and bacon..but I didn't have any.  Yay for me!  Then at lunch time  I drank the nastiest protein drink and then I got real nauseous for the rest of the day.  I know not to have that one again.  This night was the first time I really felt hungry, and it was so hard to just pass up every food item I saw.  But once again...I did it.

I have been so tired these past couple of days.  I guess my body isn't used to 500 calories a day.   I keep trying to eat/drink things with calories in them, but that leaves the calories to include lots of juice and I'm getting real tired of sweet.  I've also been so cranky.  I can't wait for this part to be over with.  I don't like the way I've been acting, but it just comes out, then I feel bad after it's happened.

One thing I never mentioned...I never wrote it down, or said it out loud until yesterday.  My period is 3 weeks late.  I've had a tubal ligation, but went online and found all these places where women got pregnant after having a tubal.  So I started getting really nervous.  When I went for my pre op stuff, the admitting nurse said they'd order a pregnancy test for the morning of surgery.  Well, when I was so darn hungry yesterday, I decided to get a test just to make sure.  I couldn't imagine starving myself and putting myself through Fleet's hell only to find out it was for nothing.  So I went to Walmart, bought the test and I had to pee, so I took the test right there in the Walmart bathroom.  And to my delight, it was NEGATIVE!!!!

I'm not looking forward to today.  It's Fleet's day.  I have about 4 hours left until it all starts.  However, like the last two days,  I am sure I will get through it just fine.  I've got my books, my movies, a knitting project and lots of toilet paper all ready for today.

Well, I think that was all the stuff I wanted to make sure to write down.  I want to have this to look back on someday. 

There was a post on the main board the other day.  Someone asked the question, have you ever felt disgusted with yourself that you got this big and need surgery.  My answer was a resounding YES!  For most of my life I haven't liked what I looked like.  I always loved who I was, but hated the package I came in.  I was teased as a child as far back as I can remember.  To this day I remember some of them vividly...there was always the old standby "fatty, fatty, 2x4, can't fit through the kitchen door"...I heard that one A LOT.  I remember being at the swimming pool once.  I was never athletic...EVER...but I was a great swimmer.  I loved the water.  Probably because I was "weightless" in the water and could do things in the water that other kids could do, too.  A boy came by me while I was floating on my back and made a comment about me being as big as a submarine.  Another time I went to a dance when I was in middle school.  I was sitting on the bench since nobody wanted to dance with the fat girl. Somebody came over and had the nerve to ask me if I was pregnant.  Even my husband, when we were first dating, I was very active.  Still fat, but active.  I went hiking, walking, biking, etc.  Well, one night we were sitting there and I was kind of complaining that we never went and did anything, just sat around and watched TV and ate pizza.  His response.."I don't know what you are physically capable of doing."  People put all these limitations on you because of your size...it hurts.  I am tired of having to prove I'm not just a fat, lazy, slob.  I'm glad those days are ending.

So back to the question.  Other things also crossed my mind.  I remember when I was around 200 lbs.  I remember thinking I was huge, but on the bright side of things  I didn't look like THAT (anyone who was bigger than me)  Maybe if I would've learned to love myself then I wouldn't have become THAT person.  At my pre op appointment I had managed to gain 22 lbs over the last year when I first saw Dr. L.  That put me at 302 lbs.  I never in my life thought I'd weigh over 300 lbs.  Am I disgusted....YES!!!  I AM the person I was always glad I wasn't.  

I still love the person I am, but still hate the package I came in.  That all changes in 4 days.  I get the chance to love not only me, but my packaging, too.  And I won't look like THAT anymore.