Chere S.

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Well, today I had to see a new PCP.  Mine moved to Maryland .  I think I will like this new doc, but I do miss my other doc.  Anyways, he said I looked great, nothing out of the ordinary, but the best part was stepping on the scale...217.5 lbs and that was with clothes on.    That brings the wt loss to 85 lbs.  That is 17.6 lbs from onederland.  This is getting exciting.

Now about other things.  I know I am smaller, hello...size 24/26 and up to size 18.  Definitely smaller.  I look at pics and I see that I am smaller.  I look in the mirror and I like what I see, but I still feel like the fat girl.  I still feel like I am 302 lbs.  I get compliments constantly at work..."you're melting", "you're getting so thin", "you look so good", "you need to get smaller scrubs"...and it goes on.  I quietly say thank you, but inside I am thinking I don't think I look that good, I still have so far to go.  I know that's got to be somewhat insane.  When will I see it for what it is?  Other things tell me I must look different...I get treated differently by men at work...docs who never really talked to me, now will have conversations with me, I see a different look in their eyes, they stand closer when they are talking...it's uncomfortable, but I guess only because I don't know how to take it.   Other things...I still feel like I take up as much space as I did before...like if someone is trying to pass me, I squish myself against something to "make room" for them..then realize I didn't have to do that.  I guess I'm just wondering, when will I "feel" thin.

I am about over this hair thing.    I knew about the hair loss at about 3 months.  I read all over this website about the hair loss and that almost everybody experienced it despite the fact they were getting in all their protein and vitamins.  I figured it would happen to me.  I also figured I wouldn't care.  I've always had thick great hair.  I've definitely noticed it's thinning.  My ponytail keeps getting smaller and smaller and there's just not so much hair to run my fingers through anymore.  And now when I run my fingers through it, I swear I pull out half a head of hair each time I even touch it.  Well, a couple of days ago I noticed that when I pulled my hair back it was actually LOOKING thinner on top.  Some of that may be the fact that I have my gray growing out, and so there is a lot of "white" showing, so I was trying not to worry about it too much.  I just figured I'd wait to reevaluate it after I got my hair colored again.  But the other shoe dropped yesterday.  I was looking in the mirror and put my hair behind my ear and noticed an area that was balding.  I about freaked!!!  My husband is trying to assure me there is no bald spot but I be beg to differ.  

There is hair everywhere except on my head...the sink, the shower, my clothes, everybody else's clothes, my underwear, my refrigerator, the food, the furniture, my car, my brush, my hands, my computer, my kids.  I JUST WANT THIS TO STOP!!!!  It doesn't help when my husband says crap like...what if you're the first WLS pt to go bald. 

Well, it's 4 months today.  Weight loss as of this morning, 79.25 pounds.  I had a little two week stall where I only lost like half a pound and then boom it started up again.  It is nice to see the scales move, but I know there will be plenty of times that it doesn't move.  I expect that and am prepared for that.  I've gone from a size 26 to a size 18/20.  It still feels weird to put those clothes on and actually have them fit.  I can't wait until I can buy regular size clothes.  If I can keep this up, it won't be much longer, I hope.  

I'm still exercising as much as my schedule allows.  I do my best to go the 4 days I'm off work, but sometimes it just doesn't work out.  I am doing 30-50 min of cardio and wt training on those days.  I really enjoy going.  I feel good while I'm doing it and I know it's definitely helping my wt loss.  I also love that it's my time for JUST ME.  Being a wife and mom of 3 kids it's hard to have ME time.

I find that I can eat more food now.  It's nice to know that I can get my protein in now without much problem.  I haven't tracked my food for awhile, but I doubt that I'm getting much more than 800 cal a day.  I have started venturing out and doing things that may not be so good for me.  There is a nurse I work with who insists on baking something every weekend and bringing it to us.  I have started having one single bit each weekend.  I guess that's not bad.  Part of this new lifestyle is supposed to be about moderation.  I have also tried some grilled chicken sandwiches from different places, I can only eat about 1/4 of the bun.  Bread just doesn't agree with me.  I still like beef and crab best.  Oh, and salads, too.  Yum yum!

It's been a great journey.  I am so glad I decided to do this.  For the first time I feel good about who I am and most of the time about how I look.  Someday my brain will catch up and realize I'm not the same person I started out as.

I had my 3 month visit today (a few days early).  I have officially lost 62 pounds and 32% of my excess weight.  Dr. F said that was excellent.  That made me feel good because I always wonder if I'm on track, behind the times, or whatever.  So it was good to hear I was doing great.   

I was also told to keep up the exercise as that would really help the weight loss.  Dr. F also said my average of 45 gm of protein was OK.  He tried to convince me there was a shake I would like, but I had to correct him on that one.

All in all, a great visit!

At least at the Y...I've lost 60 pounds!!!!  I'm so excited about that.  Now, just 2.2 more pounds and I'll have less than 100 pounds to get to my goal of 140.  And that's also 2.2 more pounds and I'll be in the 230's.  Just like we were talking at the meeting last night, there will be weeks where the weight loss is slow and you can feel the changes other ways and then weeks where it starts dropping again.  This is such a great journey.  I just hope Dr. L's scale is in line with the Y so I don't get upset tomorrow when I go for my appt.  I'll have to remember to wear light clothes.

Well, the weight loss has slowed down, but at least it hasn't stopped.  I had a bit of a stall last week, but this week it's moving down again.  The part that is hardest for me, is that right now I'm at 244.  This is the weight I could get to frequently with diets but then I'd either quit losing, give up, gain back...or maybe all of the above.  Anyways, it rarely got below this point.  So now that I'm not moving much from this weight, I think this must be it.  I know it can't be all...I have so much more to lose and I am following my plan...it's just a terrible mind trick.  I have 2 lbs to go to hit the 60 lb mark.  I have my 3 month visit on Thursday, I want to have hit that mark by then.  The way it worked last week, though, I'm not sure I'll lose those two lbs before Thursday.  It will be what it is.  

I've been going to the gym.  My routine is 30-45 min of cardio and about 20-30 min of weight training.  It sure feels good to be exercising regularly.  I go on my days off (4 days/wk), but I am too tired on the days I work to exercise.  There are some days at work that it doesn't make a difference to me that I didn't exercise because there are sometimes that I barely have a chance to sit for the 12 hours.  And then, there are weekends like this last one where all I do is sit around wondering what I can do next.  The patients this weekend just weren't very sick...thank goodness for them, but boring for me.

I'm down to a size 20 now.  I bought my first pair of 20's the other day and just thought I'd try them on to see how much farther I had to go before I could wear them...and they actually fit.  A little snug on the rump, but not enough to be uncomfortable in them.  My shirts are still 22-24.  The girls aren't getting much smaller, yet.  The band size is definitely smaller, but not the cup size.  

Lots of people at work compliment me almost weekly.  I don't really see the difference that much (at least not the last month or so), but I appreciate the compliments.  I'll take them.  Some days I feel like I'm really getting thinner and then some days I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is the fat girl who still has over 100 lbs to lose and it gets discouraging.  

Overall, though, I am feeling great!  I love watching my body change.  Emotionally, I mostly feel good, I had a bit of a down week last week.  I think it was a combination of things.  I want my husband to hurry and get a job, the kids were all home for two weeks, and some days I just get so frustrated that I can't eat/drink like everybody else does.  Food just doesn't taste all that great to me and there are only a couple of things that I really like...beef and crab.  I can't really stand chicken much anymore, or lunchmeat, or shrimp or...  However, bring me home some blue crab and you will see one happy lady.

Well, I guess I better go eat some lunch..speaking of eating.  

Until next time.

That's right...it's time to bust out the party hats and those annoying little noisemakers because I made my first goal.  I've lost 51 lbs!!!!   Wow...that's almost my daughter.  I told myself I was going to get myself a massage for my first 50 lbs lost...guess I better get that scheduled.  

A few weeks ago, I said I was going to start going to the gym.  Well, the first two weeks, I only went once each week, then last week, I finally decided, it's time to step it up and I went three times.  I would've gone all my days off, but I had to get some Christmas shopping done while all the kids were in school/daycare.  So far, off to a great start this week.

I can't believe how much more energy I have, how much better I feel both physically and mentally.  I love it!!!  This is what it's all about.  

I have some new favorite foods...I can't seem to get enough salad.  It's so good.  The first salad I tried didn't sit so well, but it may have been the soup I ate with it.  The next time I tried it, I was hooked.  I've been getting the salad bar at work all weekend.  I also am loving crab.  Of course, I can't have that as much as I'd like, but I tolerate it very well.  And last, but not least...sushi without rice.  Way too good.  I also like toast with peanut butter.  I was surprised and excited to see that a piece of wheat bread has 4 gm of protein, add a serving of peanut butter and you have 12 gms of protein.  I'm still struggling to get it all in.  I'm sure at some point I'll regret that I didn't eat enough protein (when my hair is falling out), but I do my best. 

I guess that's about it.  Just trying to get things ready for Christmas.  I can't believe it's only a week away.  Holy smokes, where does the time go?

Happy Holidays!!!

Wow, it's been awhile since I've written.  So where to begin.  

I went back to work on November 12.  It was pretty rough, we've been so busy and I am just dead tired by my last day.  Last week I was a little less tired, but still tired nonetheless.  Maybe my patients won't be so sick this week.  I'd really appreciate a slower weekend.  Tis the season.

I find that I have a lot more energy to get things done at home.  Life is just becoming easier as each day goes by.  

Things I didn't realize:
1.  I am never hungry.  I have to make an effort to eat.  The worst part about this is that since I'm not hungry, nothing ever sounds good, which makes it harder to eat.  I'm sure there will be a day that I will be hungry and I will have to do things to keep my eating in check, but for now I'll take this.  I like it.

2.  I got my taste buds back to normal.  Water is OK again, but I really like drinks that have flavor.  It helps me get my fluids in a lot easier.

3.  I found out today I'm only eating about 1/2 the amount I'm supposed to.  I was told today that I should be eating 4 oz at each meal.  1200 to 1500 calories a day.  I'm lucky to get in 2 oz at each meal.  I haven't been counting my calories, but I would estimate it to be about 700-800, if that much.  

4.  Now that I know I am supposed to eat more, I might have a better shot at getting my protein in.  I've started eating protein bars at breakfast, but they are heavy and I can only get about 1/2 of one down.  I refuse to even try a protein shake again.  The thought of it just makes me nauseous.  

5.  I went to a Chinese buffet tonight and nothing looked good.  OK, I take that back, a lot of stuff looked good, but I don't see food the same way anymore.  I see it for it's nutritional value and if it doesn't add up to what I need to live, then I have no use for it.  Now that is something new for me.  So far I have not been tempted by anything.  The thought of putting something in my body right now that isn't good for me seems like such a waste of calories and pouch space.  I hope I continue to think like this.

6.  I have lost 39.5 lbs as of today.  Wow!!!  I was told that is 22% of my excess weight.  1/5 of my excess weight.  6 weeks, 1/5...does that mean that in 30 weeks I'll be at goal???  Wouldn't that be cool.

I need to start exercising.  I'm ready to get back to the gym and get with it.  I like to exercise, I just have to get to the gym and do it.  Somedays it's easier to make excuses than it is to just get there and do it.

Well, that's it for now.  I just wanted to get an update written so it wouldn't get too far behind.

I am feeling pretty good.  I'm not exercising like I should.  I  really need to work on that.  I had to take my son the Urgent Care Clinic yesterday, he fell from the monkey bars, he's OK, just sprained his foot.  While I was there, I stepped on their scale just to see how I was doing and I lost another 5 lbs.  So it's up to 22 lbs gone.  I am definitely able to tell the difference.  Pants that were tight are loose now.  All my t-shirts are getting baggy.  I need to start trying on some clothes that were too tight and see if they fit, before I can't wear them at all.  

I can finally drink tea again.  It doesn't taste like dirt.  It's nice to have something other than water to drink.  I am finding with a little variety it is much easier to get my fluids in.  I am having a horrible time with my protein.  Unless I have it in pudding, I can't tolerate it.  It makes me nauseous.  When I put it in my pudding, it is OK, I can't taste it, but the pudding is so sweet and it just fills me up.  I saw on the main board about Proteinex-18, it has 18 gms of protein in 2 tablespoons.  I emailed Traci, but haven't heard back from her yet to see what she had to say about that protein.  I'm curious because I could do a couple of tablespoonfuls...it'd be like taking a medicine.  Much better than trying to gag down 6-8 oz of protein drink.  

I still wonder how much I'm supposed to eat at each meal.  I can eat 2 oz easily and if it's softer foods like cottage cheese, yogurt, refried beans I can eat a bit more (1/3 to 1/2 cup)  I don't know if that's too much or not.  

I am struggling to get all my meds in.  Since I didn't take any meds before, I'm not used to this.  I manage to get about 1/2 of them in each day, but haven't quite figured out how to remember all of them.  Any suggestions would be appreciated.  The last thing I need to have my gallbladder out.  

I go back to work on the 12th.  I'm enjoying my time off, but I do get a little bored.  Probably over this next week, I'm sure I'll start venturing out more and try to enjoy this last week.  

Things are good, and I don't have those horrible "why did I do this" thoughts anymore.  Looking forward to more weight loss!

The best part about tonight...my house is full of candy and I'm not even interested in any of it.