the feeling of defete...

Jan 31, 2010

This past week has been a downward spiral to where all I feel is defeat. Logically I know I'm not, but it feels that way.
Tue- we had our Dr appointments. My youngest is underweight, my oldest is over weight...that concerns him. and I am morbidly obese (BMI41) to which he is testing my thyroid, glucose and sending me to a dietitian. I tried to explain to him that I KNOW what my "problem" is and we just need to figure out how to fix it, I tried to talk surgery, I tried to talk...He didn't seem to want to listen. He came back in the room informing me that my BMI is 41, morbidly obese. (I knew that) and that I should be consuming 1500 cal a day to help loose the weight....  Doc! I get maybe 400 cal some days... and 1200 others! what do you suppose I do! carry food in my pocket with a timer that tells me I'm hungry! I forget to eat! I will be starving, and walk to go make food (I work in a bakery!) a salad, as a baker if I hear the ovens go off that is my priority...So on my way to make food the oven goes off, cookies come out, pastries go in bread goes here, bagels prepped here... you get my drift, by that point an hour passes and I have once again forgotten to eat!

Wed. My youngest 3rd birthday. In lue of gifts (after all Christmas was a few weeks ago, she still hasn't played much with the toys anyway) we hosted a DORA party at her daycare. because of this I got NO sleep, played with 20 2-3yr olds and forgot again to eat! went to work that night and had to get packed for my vacation, after mom not so suddlely told me to go, she pointed out I was just a "expensive booty call that pays her own fare!" So I didn't want to go , I beat myself up because I have been a door mat for a man for 8 years before I left him just last Aug. I am head over heels in love with the other guy (the one I'm visiting) He is my high school sweet heart, and he just came back in the pic 3 1/2 years ago. sigh...looooooooooooong story one day I will bore you with it.
So Fri I spent all day packing cleaning my cloths and errands as well as trying to sneak a nap in there..again I ate 2 meals but forgot to eat much...
Fri, Sat and Sun is what killed me 3 days 3 meals each day all fast food... well eating out cause olive garden and Sonnys is not fast food. I got plenty of exercise to compensate but.... No weight lost. (I didn't expect there would be)

Sun (the piece de resistance) was a baby shower for a friend that I was told a week ago that I was to host the games.  I was under the impression it was from 11-2 So I would leave and be home in the same day, I said my good byes to the guy (this time it was a final good bye not just "see ya next year" he just doesn't know it yet) hosted a baby shower that lasted till 530pm! and got an ear full about how my 5yr old (the oldest of my 2 daughters) didn't want to wear pants in 10 degree weather, she wanted to wear a summer dress. Apparently when I asked to have the clothes that I washed folded, I was ignored. Apparently no one found the cloths I had laid out on the dining room table...apparently it is ALL MY fault there is cloths scattered my bed room floor that I share with the 3&5 yr old. (when I left all cloths were picked up) Apparently I am not doing enough around the house and It is my fault that the house looks like it has been ransacked by bulls!

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