Self in Mourning

So yesterday was my 46th birthday, happy birthday to me!! One would think it would be a day of excitment and delight having made it through life pretty much in one piece!

First Ode to Dawn....

In the last 20 months I have had the surgery and gotten so much in return. I have lost 159lbs more than half my weight and surpassing my weight loss goal by 10lbs so far. I can walk up a flight of stairs and my knees don't give out. I can sit in a chair and not worry for it's or my safety! I can breathe like a normal human being while at rest and I can walk my crazy dog Barkley and not think it is exercise,I feel great and have been told i look terrific!  

So really what is the problem.............. I miss some of my old self.

I miss my confidence, I was always a wonderful person but no one messed with me. Now, still a wonderful person but lost the inner confidence I had with my added fat. Where did it go how did I become so exposed and seemingly vulnerable? 

I miss my ASS and my soft roundness seriously I never thought I would lose that!! Yesterday at my birthday dinner the resturant had belly dancers. Beautiful woman with sexy curves and oh the men and woman were loving it! Last week my husband and I had our semi annual romp in the hay and the last thing he said was.... wow all I can feel is bones. Wow really honey you are so romantic! So that sent me for a day binge that left me dumping like I have never dumped before again leaving me swearing of all sugars and causing me to lose another 3 pounds! 

I miss not having my emotions in check, I cry at the drop of a hat, pre-menopausal maybe hopefully but.... I hate being so sensitive. That might go along with confidence not sure.

I miss the excuse of being fat for not doing or trying new things.... I wanted to do and try everything pre surgery. I wanted to do a tri athalon, zip line, join the gym and be a gym rat, white water rafting, bike riding on trails, in parks, in my own damn neighbourhood and NOTHING!!! Sure I have lost 159 lbs but that is it no exercise for me. I blamed my husband at first who swore he would work out with me and didn't but now it is all me MISS LAZY SKINNY ASS!!

So here I am faced with a New Year and a new body and all I can do is whine and complain. I know many of you are saying GIVE ME 1 DAY IN YOUR NEW BODY. I know suck it up Buttercup. But I need to get over these issues, I need a plan.

I need to be successful at this new life. I need to make sure just because I miss some of the old me all of the old me does not come back. I need to learn to identify with the new me and enjoy her. I just don't know how.

So please I don't need any tough love I need direction from those who have gone before me and have battled and succeeded at what i am struggling with.

Please give me your advise and if you feel the need to kick my ass go for it though I worn you you might hurt your foot cause all there is a BONE!!!

Tamasin     

P.S.

Sorry for any spelling errors it is 5am and I am not proof reading as am afraid I won't send if I read what I wrote! Thanks for listening.

LOL - wonderful posting!!!  And congrats on reaching your goal! It is just wonderful and an example for all of us. It is also a very honest posting and I applaud you for that. We all know there is stomach hunger and head hunger - BUT there are also "other" head issues...

And yes it is normal that we have body image issues. It changes so much. I LOVE the fact that you are mentioning that you need a plan. I agree.  Could you go and see a social worker or therapist to help you with some of these issues?

The reason why I am saying it is because 10 years ago I was at my ideal weight (Bernstein)  - same... body image issues - had to do exercises by myself - ...  Now I know first of all I am doing it for myself - I know better who I am - what I stand for - and why I am doing it.

I would not even think about kicking you.... but would advise you to talk to somebody to raise your body image and self esteem.

Happy belated birthday. You've had some incredible changes in the last 20 months!

Like the last poster, I had some weight loss success several years ago. I had lost over 100 lbs and was overwhelmed by all the changes. While I was excited to have a nicer body and more energy, it was also a bit scary in the sense that I had changed so much that I had trouble identifying with myself.  I had gone through a marriage breakup as well...so another change in identity.  I missed the old me too,  but I think it was more of being resistant to change. Fear of the unknown and all of that. So I enjoyed my new bod for a while. Dated a lot...and I mean A LOT of guys.  I engaged in some risky behaviours.  I think I had imagined that all the things I thought I would be when I lost weight would come naturally.  So after a while of not really 'fitting' in my new body, the weight began to creep back up, and I became complacent.  This time, though, I feel wiser and more prepared for the changes that are going to happen.

I think that part of it is being stable in my relationship and my career.  It sounds like things may not be the greatest in your relationship right now.  Many people who are overweight struggle with emotional eating.  An unstable relationship could trigger some more food issues. I think that perhaps talking to the SW at your clinic would be a good idea to help identify positive ways to deal with the stresses you are experiencing.  It may also help to rethink what you want from yourself at this point. Maybe doing a triathlon isn't you, and that's okay. Setting some goals that are more true to you might help your head catch up with your body.  Good luck.

I can really relate to your post.  I think its part of the adjustment process of hitting your goal weight and getting into the maintenance mindset.  While the weight loss is life transforming in many ways, it doesn't touch a lot of other things in our lives and personalities that are challenges to us.  Now we have to face ourselves without hiding behind the fat and take more personal responsibility than ever for the life choices we make on a daily basis.  I've always been someone that has to force herself to live a bigger life...I'm scared, easily overwhelmed by feelings of vulnerability, only have moderate self confidence at best and don't like to take risks.  All these things are still true about me AND I don't get to comfort eat anymore!! Grr! 

I'm struggling with feeling good about my boney body, too, although I'm also terrified of gaining weight and getting fat again.  I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place some days (ha ha, no pun intended).  

Just letting you know that you aren't allow in struggling to adjust with all the good and bad of your new life and I wish you much success in finding a new normal and new happiness at your new weight.

Hiya Tamasin Lovely lady

Thanks for the shout out! Good to see one of my IRL friends posting for once on here. LOL

Again, I think the mental crap is the hardest with this surgery.  The body issues thing is really strange.  I was like you in that I became much more insecure (if that was even possible) after surgery. I think I sort of resigned myself to my body the way it was despite the fact that I was obese. I figured I couldn't change it so I dealt with it as it was.   After surgery and the weight loss, I became more self critical. John tells me that all the time - about how much more critical I am at 150 lbs than at 290 lbs.  My screwed up body image is the reason why he was partly so hesitant about taking the surgery plunge himself.  He saw how whacked out it made me.

You know, running the group, it was HARD for me to get up in front of every month and speak.  When Teresa was running most of the show, I was very pleased to take a backseat/shadow type of role....but I slowly started challenging myself to get out of my shell. I wanted to NOT be in my shell - so it was a matter of doing the whole "fake it til you make it" kind of thing.  I think that's what you need to do - fake it for a while - pretend you are an actor and you have to go back to your role- until it becomes more natural again for you.  Quite frankly, you've got the body done now - at goal.   You don't need to work on that so much anymore -- now it's the mental piece that needs working on.  That's where your focus needs to be for 2013. 

I do think that you are at perfect weight.  Most of us experience bounceback and when you do - for most of us - it goes in TWO places  - stomach and ass.  You'r ass will bounceback.   I found my body composition also changed.  More softer than thin and boney.  I have a feeling that bounceback will land you in the perfect spot and well if it doesn't, you can always put on a little weight to get your curves back.  I think you look so fan flipping fantastic but I get that your mental piece is different.  So many of us struggle with the body image stuff.   If it becomes over challenging in the next year, I can point you to some free therapy if it becomes unmanageable.  First you just gotta allow yourself some time to get used to your new skin.   Make a point of telling Terry how you are feeling though as he'll watch his comments.  Things that seem harmless to men can make us feel like poop and I know he worships the ground you walk on and wouldn't want to hurt you.

Message me anytime.  There are a zillion books about body image too - lots of reading you can do on the subject if you wish. Until then, know that you are not alone ((((((hugs))))))

Dawn

Happy belated birthday. I strongly suggest seeking therapy at your clinic.  Therapy Specific to WLS issues is important. You have had so many changes, and most for the better for your health! But your head health is important too. I miss a few things of my former self, including a fuller face. I know my face has changed, and it will fill out again, but I went through one stage where I looked sick (as many of us do during the first year), and then recently when I got a few more pounds off, it changed again. I think I look old. These wrinkles never existed before. I don't miss being bigger at all though! I never had a shapely body like the ladies you described, and I would love to have a great shape like that, but it will never happen. And yep, it's hard to deal with. This journey is such a mind f&$k, and I would love the answer to living a "normal" life. But I never lived a normal life before. I ate my feelings, ended up sick and obese. Now i'm under goal weight, running, but still feel huge and like people are judging me and it sucks.

I'm just babbling here, as i'm trying not to continue with a day of sabotage that I started earlier. I just want you to know that most of us go through so many changes, and posting here is good for you....and all of us. Thanks!

I read a book called FAT IS A FEMINIST ISSUE that really helped me with some of the `benefits` of obesity, including increased size  / appearance of toughness, (many incest survivors turn to it), de-sexualization, insulation from world / emotions, armour, feeling of `strength', a lot of things.

Another book by Harriet Lerner called the Dance of Anger and the Dance of Hunger also helped me put weight in one box, and other issues in another box to deal with.

I also was more emotionally labile when I gave up my crutch of carbohydrates.  I like the AA philosophy, and also take a mild SSRI anti-depressant now.

I think it is normal to move beyond the euphoria phase and into the fact that you are still a person with stuff to work on, although thinner.  Best wishes.