what nobody warned me about
On December 3, 2011 at 6:00 AM Pacific Time, GreenGardener wrote:
I gotta take issue with this. I don't think I lack in social skills. I am a therapist, run a successful business, do public speaking to groups of 400 or more, and have done so for the past 30 years. I have friends, a great husband (who married me at 220 pounds), and not nearly enough time to keep in touch with the people I care about. It is probably helpful that I wasn't overweight during my formative years, so I had the opportuntity to develop socially without the burden of feeling ostracized due to excess weight. But I am a formerly overweight person, and yes, I can compete with the tight bodies when it comes to social skills. In fact, I think that the experience of being overweight has led me to develop social skills that I might never have developed otherwise. Since I could not rely on being "beautiful" for much of my adult life, I was forced to get out there and find genuine relationships not based on appearance. That, I believe, has served me well. once upon a time I had a group to talk about Binge Eating Disorder, and later one about Clean Eating.
PM me if you are interested in either of these.
size 8, life is great
I remember a conversation I had a little while ago with my big brother. We were talking about self confidence and a healthy sense of self and how that is affecting my career. I don't believe that my advancement is because of my weight loss, I believe that it is because of my increased sense of self. Did that come from weight loss? Partically it did for me. I used food to hide from the world and from myself in a way. And now that particular cope has been taken away, I get to deal with me again. I am figuring out who I am and how I fit into my world. I am keeping things I like and tossing things that don't work. One of the main "Tossed" was the way i "laughed" at myself. I would joke around in a very cruel way about myself. That doesnt work for me anymore. It is one thing to laugh at yourself and not take yourself so seriously. That can be very healthy. It is quite another to use humor to beat the crap out of yourself.
I have lost most of the weight I had planned to lose. I met my original goal. I have set another and I am working toward it. Now my journey turns to the same journey I have been on since around 7 years old. That was the age I was when I stopped believing in my own awesomeness and started listening to everyone else's opinions of me. I want that seven year old back who knew without a doubt she was exactly how she was meant to be. And so my journey is one of getting my awesomeness back by making friends with who i see in the mirror AT THIS MOMENT.
You see my brother said something I found very profound during our conversation. I was talking about when. when i reach goal. when i am happy with myself. when i get to this size. when i am beautiful. He noticed and stopped me. Then he said, "You know what Jo, you ARE and ALWAYS have been beautiful. We were just waiting for you to believe it. We all knew it. Anyone who has ever spent five minutes in your presence knows you ARE beautiful. And not that it matters what anyone else thinks, because it is only your opinion when you are looking into the mirror that matters. I just think that now YOU are starting to believe it too. And that's where you feel the confidence and the sense of self coming in."
HMM. Beautiful right NOW. As we ARE. what a concept! what a freedom! My seven year old awesomeness returns! I am a rock star! lol.
That mirror is a real pain in the ass some days still. But when I look these days, I see more than just a number on a scale. I am the sum total of all my experiences and my hopes and dreams. And the best part? I can change my direction. What a gift to give myself at 35 years old!
years of talking **** to myself have become ingrained habits. The only way i know to break a habit is to avoid doing it to the best of my ability and learn to do something different, healthier and make it a habit. I no longer make self depreciating jokes about myself. When someone does compliment me, i have trained myself to say, Thank you, and then tell the negatives in my head to be quiet. I point out my positives instead of my negatives when the war in my head rages about how i look. Eventually, they will become habits. Sure it feels nice to be acknowledged by someone else. Humans are kinda made that way. But the freedom that comes from knowing you are okay without anyone having to tell you that ...its amazing. It is so worth the effort. And i think its totally cool you are figuring it out at your age.
just one more thought ...... I wish people would consider that the emotional work that goes with wls is every bit as important as the physical part. it is just as important to exercise mind and emotion and coping skills as it is to exercise the body and eat protein. I didnt get to 450 pounds because i was emotionally fit. Is everyone who is MO emotionally fit? No, of course not. But i submit that most of us have an unhealthy realtionship with food because we chose not to deal with some aspect of our lives. I have no prove. It is solely my opinion and theory. But it seems to me that those who treat both the emotional and physical sides of this coin, have the longest success. Again, way to go on addressing it in therapy and with others who have been there done that and are doing it!
I have lost most of the weight I had planned to lose. I met my original goal. I have set another and I am working toward it. Now my journey turns to the same journey I have been on since around 7 years old. That was the age I was when I stopped believing in my own awesomeness and started listening to everyone else's opinions of me. I want that seven year old back who knew without a doubt she was exactly how she was meant to be. And so my journey is one of getting my awesomeness back by making friends with who i see in the mirror AT THIS MOMENT.
You see my brother said something I found very profound during our conversation. I was talking about when. when i reach goal. when i am happy with myself. when i get to this size. when i am beautiful. He noticed and stopped me. Then he said, "You know what Jo, you ARE and ALWAYS have been beautiful. We were just waiting for you to believe it. We all knew it. Anyone who has ever spent five minutes in your presence knows you ARE beautiful. And not that it matters what anyone else thinks, because it is only your opinion when you are looking into the mirror that matters. I just think that now YOU are starting to believe it too. And that's where you feel the confidence and the sense of self coming in."
HMM. Beautiful right NOW. As we ARE. what a concept! what a freedom! My seven year old awesomeness returns! I am a rock star! lol.
That mirror is a real pain in the ass some days still. But when I look these days, I see more than just a number on a scale. I am the sum total of all my experiences and my hopes and dreams. And the best part? I can change my direction. What a gift to give myself at 35 years old!
years of talking **** to myself have become ingrained habits. The only way i know to break a habit is to avoid doing it to the best of my ability and learn to do something different, healthier and make it a habit. I no longer make self depreciating jokes about myself. When someone does compliment me, i have trained myself to say, Thank you, and then tell the negatives in my head to be quiet. I point out my positives instead of my negatives when the war in my head rages about how i look. Eventually, they will become habits. Sure it feels nice to be acknowledged by someone else. Humans are kinda made that way. But the freedom that comes from knowing you are okay without anyone having to tell you that ...its amazing. It is so worth the effort. And i think its totally cool you are figuring it out at your age.
just one more thought ...... I wish people would consider that the emotional work that goes with wls is every bit as important as the physical part. it is just as important to exercise mind and emotion and coping skills as it is to exercise the body and eat protein. I didnt get to 450 pounds because i was emotionally fit. Is everyone who is MO emotionally fit? No, of course not. But i submit that most of us have an unhealthy realtionship with food because we chose not to deal with some aspect of our lives. I have no prove. It is solely my opinion and theory. But it seems to me that those who treat both the emotional and physical sides of this coin, have the longest success. Again, way to go on addressing it in therapy and with others who have been there done that and are doing it!
your head will catch up but it takes a while. you are still very early out!!! it's good you are in therapy, now give yourself some time, too. and meanwhile, enjoy it as much as you can!
once upon a time I had a group to talk about Binge Eating Disorder, and later one about Clean Eating.
PM me if you are interested in either of these.
size 8, life is great
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