Her Cancer or My Sanity?

3 and 1/2 years out and I feel that I've been pretty good. My lowest weight ever was 159 and I looked sickly so I try to stay between 170 and 175. I have been there or lower since I reached my goal. Most of my excess weight is really loose skin that I can't "lose" without surgery. So anyway... I have had a person in my household and it's causing me stress. I have hit 190(for a day) but still. I am hovering in the upper 180's

This person has had advanced cancer and I bought her and her 2 children into my home so that she cound transition to my state and keep up with better care and transportation. She has no one else she can trust to care for her or her children. I have a 3 bedroom home and two sons.

I thought she would be with me a month or 2 tops. That was in early September. It doesn't look like she'll be leaving before February.

I am suffering by gaining weight. My son who is autistic is freaking and doing poorly in school. I don't want to just put her out. It would be wrong for her and her daughters to have no where to stay but, I am afraid of the damage that will be done by the time that February comes around.

I dont' think this is what she wants either, but this is far beyond what my intentions were.

So. How do I handle this? Any suggestions? 

Hugs to you. I am sorry for all you are going through.

I think you need to have a discussion with her, very similar to this post. While you have a very generous heart, you can't put your autistic son second in this situation. And you cant let it effect your health either. While Feb isn't that far away, and you may not be able to speed it up much, you need to make sure that it doesn't go beyond that time.

I think you are right. I have spoken to her and she assures me that she is trying and I do see her making the effort.

It just seems that every day that passes I take a little less care of myself.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

Is she on disability? I thought people with advance cancer can get help from other resources for housing, is she is taking chemotherapy? I would think if she told them her situation they would have alternative housing arrangements since she is in advance stage of cancer.

I would think if you could help her find other resources for housing for people with disabilities that may keep your friendship during this special time in your friends life, and help keep your sanity and feeling of guilt.

She has applied. It hasn't kicked in as of yet. The society has given her some money, but they won't assist in any long term housing unless it is hospice.

I will start looking for programs that may be able to asssist her with finding something.

Thank you for taking the time to answer I appreciate it.

Who is going to assume guardianship of her kids ? Perhaps that is where she should be to help ease their transition...

You might also want to consider that in her attempts to garner aid, she might not be presenting her situation accurately or as dire as it is. You might want to make a call or two yourself and tell them that there is a homeless woman with advanced cancer and two kids who is about to be put out on the street because you no longer have the ability to carry them and ask what emergency assistance is available to her.

Best of luck to you, sugar.

This so made me smile even though it shouldn't have. I did mention though that I'm a bit insane as of late though.

Thank you. I have been on top of things like that. I sit in on calls and go to meetings and all that. She has social services now. It's just the housing situation now.

I seem to recall that there is no waiting on either Section 8 and/or Social Security when a person is terminal.  Is that what you are waiting on?  Call the Senior and Disabled Services office in your area if you haven't already and see if they can help you.

Where are her children going when she passes?

They would probably appreciate getting a LOT more familiar with that situation before they loose their Mom rather than in the trauma afterwards.

Your friend, as their mother, needs to have their best interests at the fore even in this difficult time she is experiencing.

As for you, now that you know your son is not doing well, your priority needs to be in defense of his best interests.

I think change is needed, sooner than later, for everyone's sake.  Help her make a plan and also to work on it.  She may have great intentions but not much energy to take care of these things.  Making progress should also help you to care for yourself as you move forward.  You already know you can do more and feel better doing it when your body is happy.

best of wishes and big hugs!

Thank you Tammy. I will keep the children in the event of an unfortunately outcome. She has always over indulged them and is doing so more recently. She wants them to remember her as generous and to have happy times. They are walking all over her.

Not to mention that "chores" are a foreign concept to them. The eldest actually asked me if I expect "children to do everything for themselves"

I do love the girls though. However the situation is going to be an obstacle. And no she won't consider the future of the children really. She doesn't even want to THINK about the inevitable.

Hugs are needed an appreciated.