I guess it really is me.....

On February 25, 2013 I will officially be 4 years out from my DS.  It has changed my physique, to be sure, but where is the wonderful life I envisioned after losing weight and becoming "normal" in appearance?

I'm here to tell you I expected too much.

I don't have an energized social life, in fact, I hardly have any friends at all.    People are not any nicer to me now than they were before, except for the fact that I no longer hear the whispers behind my back about my size.  In many respects, losing weight has made my life even more painful.

Don't tell me that I need a therapist, I have one, and it really doesn't help much at all.   It's a waste of time and money, and I plan to terminate my visits at my appointment next week.

I have been on disability for 14 years, trying to study my way off as a post-op, and even that hasn't worked well., especially with me not being able to physically tolerate full-time attendance, due to lupus and fibromyalgia, and taking this year off to have skin removed, which ha**** a stall due to paperwork.

I think some people are placed on this Earth to suffer, and apparently, that is my purpose for being here.

 

I will only say my life won't improve when I lose the weight because I had a fantastic life prior I did this because I wanted to be more in my children's lives and buy clothes 😏 the people who loved me, loved me regardless of weight and the people who don't like me don't like me regardless of weight. Their are far more on the don't like me list. Get the don't like you people out of your life and spend more time around the do like you group. Another thing is, is it you or them? I mean, I know I'm hard to be friends with most of the time. Are you similar to me in that regard?

Jaiart-

I have always been an extrovert...I genuinely like people, and I treat people with the same respect with which I would want to be treated . 

Perhaps my SMO days have left me lacking in certain social skills. 

I hope things get better for you I am sorry you are feeling this way. Things will change just focus on you and your perspective sometimes we suffer in order for us to grow perspective empathy and in love don't let your hardships bring you down try to look for the meaning in them. I am sure you are a beautiful person and people can be unwelcoming. also it is hard to temper our expectations of how things will turn out , when this happens for me I go back to the most basic of motions and try to do find things I have overlooked there is always bad with good and I have been through some trials and suffering as well it takes constant work to work on me and how I see things .. I am not perfect or wise in any case I am learning as I go I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I just wanted to say something uplifting to help. You have lost an incredible amount of weight and it seems our transformations are never over once we complete one we move on to the next try to find light in your journey it is never hopeless

Thanks, Night Owl! 

Speaking of which, I need to try to become less of one!

 

You've been around here for a long time and I have a lot of respect for you.  You are always kind and respectful of others.  You are intelligent and your opinions are well thought out.  I'm just going to come out and say it, you are depressed and that's a bad time to quit therapy.  If it's not helping, find a different therapist.

 

Not all that long ago, you seemed quite happy with school and working to get off disability.  What changed?

Patty-

Quite a bit  changed.  First , I had the worst labs I've ever had, knowing that was the direct result of my not sticking to my nutrition program during the time my Mom was declining.  She died in April.  I'm six months behind schedule in getting the loose skin on my legs taken care  of due to an insurance debacle and my nutritional issues.  I just got the insurance mess straightened out. Not sure about nutritional condition until my next labs are drawn.  That adds at least another six months to my academic program, which is already crawling. My Voc-Rehab counselor advised me to complete all my major surgery before continuing with my re-tooling efforts. 

The holidays are always tough for me.  I am unhappily unmarried/unattached ( I have not had a date with a decent man in decades), no children, and the only types of men who seem interested are the scrapings at the bottom of the barrel. You know the ones...bad or missing teeth, uneducated, bad grammar, lazy, looking for someone to take care of them and they have several "baby mommas".  I have a sister who is really tough to be around.  She has always been, and continues to be, judgmental of me if I'm not doing/saying something the way she thinks it should be said or done.  I'm never good enough for her.  I really have no friends.  By my definition they are merely acquaintances, and that's likely a by product of my former SMO. Nobody wants to be around  or be seen with a person socially who is the size that I was. 

I know I'm depressed.  Maybe because my expectations for a new life, a second chance, were/are way too high.  Throwing money at it is not going to fix my life. 

Every time I hear a reference to "family" in connection with the holidays, I want to throw up. I had great holidays as a kid and in early adulthood, and a pretty satisfying work life, but now, I'm just old and alone, and I feel like I'm just waiting to die.

So, there you have it.  A washed up, has-been news reporter (radio - I was too big for TV news), who doesn't have a lot to look forward to, or any accomplishments, other than being able to wear size 12  and 14 jeans., and even that's losing its shine.

 Right now, I wouldn't wish my life on my worst enemy. 

 

 

The holidays are a bad time for lots of people.  I can say I understand some of what you are saying.  It was tough after I lost my parents and my H and I live thousands of miles away from my friends.  And just like you, I have so many great memories of wonderful holidays past.  I can remember my mom telling me I would miss her some day.  Usually when I was being an ungrateful wretch!   And I do!

 

You know, I was born in Indiana and I did some radio too.  I loved it and had a lot of fun.  That as well as my real job have gone the way of the dinosaur.  I was used to having a lot of money and great insurance.  Now I have neither.  Learning to be poor has been a real challenge.  But I'm surviving.  I'm also older and it's hard to start over.  I just get up every day and put one foot in front of the other.  In some ways I am incredibly lucky and in other ways, my life sucks.  I think we all have our laundry lists of problems.  One thing I can tell you for sure is things will change.  There is still life, love, hope and companionship out there.  But you have to choose to participate.

 

Here's a challenge for you.  I do this often and it never fails to lift my spirits.  Put on your jeans that aren't as shiny as they used to be and go do something for someone who needs help even more than you.  Volunteer at a hospice, the animal shelter, a homeless shelter, read books for the blind(since you did radio, I'm guessing you have a good voice), teach ESL.  There are endless opportunities for someone with your brain and experience.  You will get more out of this than you give!  And here's a bonus, each and every one of these activities will take you outside yourself and expose you to a whole different group of people.  New contacts, new prospects for friends and maybe even more.  Reinvent yourself and be someone you would want to have as a friend.  Adversity and opportunity always travel together.

 

It's Thanksgiving.  You can find things to be thankful for.  And each good thing will make you feel a tiny bit better.  Embrace each and every one of those bright spots.  Writing for pennies is one of my new McJobs.  Here's a little piece I wrote about my first Thanksgiving alone.  I hope you enjoy it.  And Happy Thanksgiving!

 

 

Thanksgiving Memories

Talk radio droned on in the kitchen before sunrise. The windows were so steamed up from cooking that drops of water would run down to the window sills. Laughing and talking, we washed dishes, cleaned up, and created our usual Thanksgiving feast. Grandma's stuffing, pumpkin pies, and always a turkey that was "too big". The whole house smelled like Thanksgiving.

One year, we set the oven on fire when we tried cooking that turkey in a paper bag. Dad lost both eyebrows carrying the flaming bird out to the back yard. After the flames were extinguished and the smoke cleared we put the turkey back in the oven. Disaster averted.

When I was very young, I was more trouble than help. But you cleaned up my mess and let me do what I could. A few years later, with typical teenage disdain, the whole thing was so far beneath me that I refused to participate. You did all the work yourself. At long enough last, I became human again and enjoyed learning everything you had to share. For years we were co-conspirators, planning and preparing Thanksgiving. 

Thanksgiving is just around the corner and soon I will start shopping for a good turkey that's just a little "too big". The stuffing and the pies will be made. This is my first year to fly solo. No safety net. But I will miss you. I'll turn on talk radio in the kitchen and I'll be straining to hear your voice in the background. I'll remember to be thankful. Thankful for all the Thanksgivings we shared.

Patty-

Wonderful Thanksgiving Memories! 

When you were in radio, were you a DJ or a journalist?

Yes....

 

Really I was more of an actress than anything else but we did do news.  Usually news of the weird.  And sketches.  Hard to describe.  Think early SNL meets Old Time Radio.  I also produced the show.  It was live so we had to do it right the first time!  We tried to sell the show to NPR and go national but we weren't successful.  Too bad because it was one of a kind!