WLS: How do I tell my Mom? (warning long post)

There are a lot of people on this site, whose opinions I’ve come to value. The more I read, the more I come to appreciate the sincerity and thoughtfulness of your replies to each other’s posts.  

So I thought I might solicit some of your opinions on something I am struggling with. I am not looking for specific answer to a problem really, but if you have any insight or thoughts to offer, I am open to them. (I apologize in advance; I am a little bit too wordy sometimes…so this might be long.)  

There are two people in this world whose opinions I cherish the most. Sean, my amazing other half and soulmate – and my mother, a strong, independent woman who has spent most of her life “fighting the good fight" being a union activist (Opseu) fighting for the betterment and wellbeing of others. In a lot of ways, I’d say she is my hero. I talk to her at least every other day. I have always been very close to my Mom...once I exited my teen years ofcourse. The older I get, the gap in age between us seems to shrink. (…and there wasn’t much of a gap in the first place, because my Mom was 16 when she had me.)  

I basically tell my Mom almost everything.  

I have not told her about my WLS yet.  

For the past 9 months, my excuse for not telling her has been simple. Surgery felt like it was sooo far away, so there was no rush. And for the last 6 months my Mom has spent her every free waking moments caring for and being with my dying Grandmother, her mom. With everything my Mom had on her plate, I did not want her to be worrying about me.  

Now with my Grandmother passed on last month, and Mom’s life starting to resemble something a little more normal, I feel like I am keeping a big secret from her. I want so badly to talk to her about it, but I am not in any rush to have the ongoing battle that will ensue.  

I know my mother very well, and her instinctual response to my suggestion that I am having WLS will be to try and stop me. She will be against it right off the bat, I know this.  I am hoping she will have enough respect for me as an adult and as the daughter she raised, to sit down and listen to my reasoning/justification and the full explanation of how and why this is going to change my life for the better.  But she is my Mom, and she is also the most stubborn person I know.  

I am torn between telling her before the surgery, vs. telling her after the fact. One way or another, I am totally going to tell her…but…  

Telling her after-the-fact will be easier in that she will see the results for herself, and the hard-work I am putting into my new life….and she won’t have any hope in trying to talk me out of it…because the point would be moot. *Let me just say, there is NO talking me out of this – I am 100% committed to having WLS and my new RNY*  But I am also afraid of insulting her, hurting her feelings by not telling her until later. The last thing I want do is insult her or hurt her feelings….I would never want to do that to my Mom.  

But telling her before the surgery means that I will have to deal with “disappointment" in choosing what she will assume is the “easy way out". All of the uneducated presumptions people have about WLS, etc. Plus she will be scared for me, and she will be worried… and OMG I will suddenly become her new problem to solve. She will become fixated on finding a way to stop me from doing this. I can see it now...she will be emailing me new fad diets and crazy cleanses to try instead! And if this is the route she takes…. I will be kicking my ass all the way to the surgeon’s table because I should’ve realized that her Ignorance is  my Bliss!  

Can you see my dilemma? I keep flip-flopping on how & when to tell my Mom about this.   I know everyone has to deal with this at some point, and everyone’s experience is uniquely their own. Everyone’s family is different.  

But I sure would like to hear what you folks think….and if nothing else...it feels good to type this and get out-of-my-head for a few minutes. :)

Hi Toni, I wish I had your gift of writing, but I don't so I hope I can word things good enough.
Of coarse you are the only one that knows your mom and how you think she will respond. However, with being a mom myself and being really close to my daughter I would want her to tell me. But I wouldn't try to talk her out of it. If it were something that I didn't agree with her doing I would say my peace and know the decision is hers. If you do decide to tell your mom before, tell her you appreciate her concern and for her to feel free to do some research on the topic so she is aware of everything.
And you are right, you are an adult and just explain that you wanted to show her respect by telling her before hand, but that you could use her support, that that would mean the most to you. If she thinks this is the easy way out, you can explain how this is a tool and that all the work is still needed to be successful.
She might surpise you and be supportive.
I wish you all the best in what you decide to do.

Thank you Brenda for your insight as a mother.  I have to say that I am leaning towards just being straight up with her in advance, because it seems to me that NOT telling her would be childish... and I have more respect for her than that. Besides, I am not embarrassed to have WLS, I am confident in my choice -- and not being honest with her in advance almost seems to suggest I am trying to hide it from her... and that seems wrong to me.

HI Toni,
I must say that I was anxious to tell anyone of my intentions initially.  My mom was the first person I told and she was supportive although she did say she had many reservations.  I tried to explain what I knew about the process and procedure.  She told me she would support me regardless but some potential risks and repercussions were hard to ignore.  I ended up taking her to the nutrition class.  She took away a lot from that as well as she went home and got busy doing her own online research on web sites such as this one.  Once she understood this process fully and saw how they not only deal with the physical surgery but the relearning to eat, the physiological evaluations etc.. she was a lot more comfortable with my decision.
My advice would be to try to educate her or give her the tools (ie websites, WLS books, accompanying you to the orientation) so she can learn about the surgery and all of the available support from your local Bariatric Centre. 
If she is still negative after finding out more or is not willing to find out more, I would suggest you drop the subject.  As long as she is aware of your intentions and you have tried to involve
her,  your job is done.  Please remember this is all about YOU!!  You are trying to get your life back under control for YOU, not for any one else.
You seem like a bright and articulate woman who knows what she wants.
Best of Luck on your journey Toni.
TT

Thank you TT, for taking the time to reply.  The more people on here that suggest I tell her before hand, the more I feel at ease with that decision. If I want her to treat me like an adult and respect my decision, than I need to act like and adult and handle the outcome (her response) no matter what it may be... After all, there's a chance she will surprise me.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your mom. Often when people close to us try to talk us out of it it is d/t the fact that they rally care about you. I would explain what you have learned about RNY. Maybe even give her the OH site to read plus bring her along with you to your appointments.

I would tell her before, you may be surprized and I'm sure you could use her. Even if she does send you fad diets etc... just say thanks and delete them. If she is against it then just dont talk about it with her. I'm sure once she sees your success she will come around.

Good luck with whatever you decide

Thank you Leslie, I appreciate the support!

I still haven't told my Mom, Dad or Sisters, two years after the fact.  As much as I love my Mom, she would have had a lot of difficulty accepting my decision and I didn't want a lecture, still don't.  She would have been the food police.  She still tries (should be a TRIES) to tell me what to do, what to eat, etc., with good intentions, but she's not near as subtle as she thinks she is.  Everyone is different, but I have no regrets keeping it to myself.

If you plan on telling her, the old saying of it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission, although not quite accurate here, does have some grain of reality.

Best wishes however you chose to proceed.

Oh my goodness you make a good point!!! Easier to ask for her forgiveness...

I have a solid month to really decide what I want to do. It is tough though... I suppose one way or another, it's just another step in this journey and I will have to make my peace with it and keep moving forward...

 oh man! My aunt is the food police. She actually said to me when I was a week out "Mandy have you been eating food you shouldn't be eating"  (WHICH I CAN HAD NOT SHE WAS ASSUMING) yet she is the first person nibbling on desserts and what not. And now that she is on weigh****chers (and still snacking on everything) and is giving me advice on food. She doesn't seem to understand that just because she can eat an entire bowl of strawberries because they are "free" doesn't mean I can.