WLS: How do I tell my Mom? (warning long post)

The majority of the time I would describe my Mom as an intelligent and open-minded person, who is fiercely protective of her family...especially her two girls. Sometimes she forgets how well she and Dad raised us. We are now old enough, smart enough to make informed intelligent decisions... But instinctively she still tries to make them for us. Perhaps the biggest benefit to telling her that I have overlooked, is once I am able to sway her to be Pro-WLS, she might be the best ally I could ever ask for. Besides when I wake up from any surgery, all I want is my Mommy! :)

 My mom wasn't there when I had mine because I know her too well and she woudn't take care of herself and would hoover over me so I had my best friend with me. But I assured my mom when I got home she could take care of me alll she wanted lol

If you decide to tell your mom, you can tell her that you struggled with telling her before as you didn't want this to cause tension between you.  But you decided to tell her in advance because you love her, and know she loves you.  You want her to be on board, but you also want her to understand that you are 100% committed to this.  You really need her love and support on this journey, you want to help her become informed but you cannot handle advice/alternative suggestions or pressure to change your mind.  You really need her to respect your decision even if she isn't 100% comfortable with it.  From the way you describe your mom, I think she might hear this.

Good luck with your decision.  I will echo that not telling anyone leaves a weak support system.  In another area of my life kept a secret that really isolated me from the supports I needed and made this problem much more difficult.  I decided, when I started this WLS journey that I would not keep it a secret.  If people couldn't deal with it, that was THEIR problem.

All the best,

Andrea.

Thank you Andrea,
Yes, with some time to digest what I am telling her, she will probably at the very least respect that I have made a decision, whether she agrees with it or not.

Well, if you're going to tell her, then be sure to start with something like "I have some great news to share with you" and NOT something like, "sit down, we need to talk".  Set the tone from the beginning.   Use phrases like "I have done a lot of research and I have DECIDED....."

Just my two cents worth.  Good luck!!!

Hi Toni

I chose not to tell my mother or father until after I had the surgery. My reasons were simply that I did not want them to worry about the upcoming surgery. Within a few days of coming out of the hospital I did tell them and I apologized for keeping it a secret but truly I knew they would have worried too much. As I live across the world from them and since they could not be with me, I made the decision not to tell them but with the intention to tell them as soon as I could.

All the best
Lynn

Hi Toni,

I've been thinking about this and what my opinion about how to approach it would be. I think you definitely need to tell your mom, it's just a matter of when. I tend to be very cautious, so my initial thought was for you to wait until you have met with the surgeon, gotten the all clear and have a surgery date set. That way it would be a fairly straight forward matter of telling your mom that it's happening and you'd like her support. But it sounds like you guys have a really close relationship and that she might be taken aback by the suddeness of handling it that way, and that she could be a great source of support. Unless you truly believe she will be unsupportive and try to talk you out of it, I'd approach her and tell her you want to ask her support in decision you've made...

Tell her that you and your doctor have decided that the best way to treat your obesity is with weight loss surgery. That you've spent many, many hours researching the surgery that is suggested, and seeking out a support group of people who are also preparing to have surgery and guidance from those who have had it already. That you've been evaluated by a comprehensive medical team to assess that you are a good candidate for this surgery, and that you understand the changes to your life after surgery, including major dietary changes and the need to take vitamins for life. That you love her and want her to trust that you're making the best decision for you and your health. That you are prepared to meet with the surgeon and set a date for surgery, but that you would love to have her support and have her join you to meet with the surgeon. And that you'll need your mom while you're recovering from surgery and getting used to the post-op changes in your life.

Good luck, I hope it goes well.

I agree with Pat here I would make sure I stressed that the decision was made with a team of Doctors that deal with obesity and the complications of it.  Stress that you love her and value her opinion but she needs to do research (steer her to the right sites) before she can have an informed conversation with you about it, then you will be willing to listen but not necessarily agree.
I am a mom and would be very upset if I thought my son couldn't talk with me about a life changing event.  I am also a daughter who is very close to my mother and talk to her every day even if we live to far apart to see each other too often.  She was on board from the beginning cause she was secretly very worried about my weight.

Trish,

Thank you for pointing out the detail, that I am asking for her support... not her permission. I have to make sure that I don't get defensive when I am telling her about it, because that really sends the wrong message.

There is nothing she would want more for me, than to be healthy. This is the path I am choosing to take, to achieve that goal. On some level, once she gets passed her initial fear and misinformation about WLS, I have to believe that she will support my decision...it's all a matter of when.

I will be happily ready to receive her support... if it takes her a week, a month or a year to come around and support me... whatever it takes, I will be ready for her support. Perhaps I will end our conversation on that note, and leave that as something for her to think about -- if she is not ready to jump on my WLS Band-wagon.

I know my Mom will resist this at first, but she is nothing if not a lifelong supporter of her daughters and their endeavours. She will come around eventually.

Thank you (AND EVERYBODY) for your insights...

Wish me luck - Next Saturday I am going to tell her.