Need Some Support

Anytime I can add a smile Joyce, I am satisfied!  I know sometimes I get a little carried away, am trying to simply be nice and not so raunchy!  

Don't feel so lonely. You are in good company here. I think even those who have supportive spouses have to deal with a decided lack of enthusiastic support, doubts and an understandable unwillingness to overload our baskets with even more eggs.

My husband is, to put it kindly, apathetic. I have learned to share with people in my life who are supportive and not bother banging my head against his wall. I think he might be scared that I will somehow change into a new person that doesn't "need" him anymore. I have tried to explain to him that, just because I might not need him to clean the tub, or change the cat litter, that doesn't mean I won't need him any less,just in different ways (hell, there's still the garbage), and maybe, if I feel really good, I might want him around more. I am not such a fun person these days.

Regardless, you have decided to do something for yourself that you need to do. FOR YOU. Set mini goals along the way to the big one. Three years is a long time to wait to reach your goal.Set some that are shorter term as well (5K before your 49th b-day, etc).

Know,in your heart, that he does love you, and he wants you to be happy, he is just a little worried, scared, and confused, and I am willing to bet that this is probably the first time in your married life that you have made such a big decision on your own and his nose might just be a little out of joint.

Eyes on the prize! Blinkers on! Shields up!

Hug,

Lori

Kick him to the curb!  You're doing this for yourself and if he can't be there to support you he doesnt deserve you!  I think he's just jealous to be honest with you.  Keep your chin up and do it for YOU!

You guys are great!  You won't believe what he said a few minutes ago.  I was making a snack and offered some to him and he said no, he was fat enough.  I said, so am I that's why I'm having surgery.  He actually said "I was taking the easy way out".  See what I mean!  Absolutely no support and constant jabs.  I can't wait till I have the surgery and get nice and thin and can say "Ha, look at me, I'm gorgeous"!

He sounds more like he has some body image issues himself and maybe some self hate. He sees you about to make a change that may make you look better and be healthier then him. He is afraid to face his own needs and mad at you for changing things up. He may fear that you will become the woman you talk about and not want him. He may miss that attention and time as you try to make the changes need to move on with this plan. We do tend to become more focused on our selves. I think we need to sometimes. To make our exercise and eating changes takes time and energy. My husband missed this focus on him. I could not take it from my kids but I can and did take some from him for the first few months. Now I have a new routine and more time is available.

I too thought that weight loss surgery was taking the easy way out before I did the research. Time will show him it is not easy but also the only way.

If this marriage is good over all and this is new I would work on it. Reassure him that you are still going to be with him and that he is more then just a man for now. Remind yourself of his good points regularly and keep the list handy. Remind yourself that he is acting like a scared child lashing out and let that roll off your back.

We had a rough patch but are better then ever now.

Prove him wrong!

By the way, he doesn't realize that as we become lighter we change a lot. I hated any type of exercise preop, didn't feel like I was ready to exercise until I lost my first 100 pounds, then tried it... and became a huge enthusiast.

He never saw you exercising and enjoying it... these skinny and normal people often see exercise as a chore and assume that for us this is even bigger chore and pain... They have no idea what it feel like to be half of old your weight, don't realize that this lightness gives you wings bigger than Red Bull does, lol. As a former fatty I can almost fly on the treadmill, just from the feeling of this incredible lightness. And you will be flying too. And you will prove him wrong.

The easy way out? Out is out, but you have to wonder how would he know? Weight loss surgery isn't the easy way out. I can speak from experience here. More to the point, some people just aren't the supportive type, if what you say about your husband is accurate, you two are going to have to sit down and have a serious talk. These are big changes you're moving toward and it's quite possible the toll it will take could result in overwhelming stress on your relationship. Spouses can have feelings that they will be left behind or excluded as these changes occur and so in fearful defense they discourage the changes. That's a huge problem because you are going to need support not negative attitudes and having to deal with someone having a meltdown in the middle of your recovery. Believe me, you will have enough on your plate at the time.

Another observation, and this could be nothing or it could be a big deal. Why are you having this surgery? Contrary to the popular idea by those less informed, it's not the easy way to do anything. It's also dangerous and there are cases of this procedure having complications which can be dire for some. So wanting to have this done should be based on you wanting to change for yourself. To become healthier, lead a much more active life and live longer. Not to get back at your husband for something. Not that you don't have your priorities straight, just make sure you're doing this for all the right reasons. Consider also that this takes a lot of work and accommodation from your husband and family as you prepare, undergo and recover from this surgery. There will be many things you can't or shouldn't do anymore, and plenty of things you must do from now on. Some of these things affect their lives as well, and so they have to buy into the whole journey too.

A third angle to consider is that some people cope or avoid copping by deflecting something they don't want to deal with or confront. Could this be even partially the reason for your husband's negative attitude toward you having this procedure and your goal of running a marathon? 

I can't begin to know your husband - but my boyfriend was very reluctant about it before the surgery. I felt like he wasn't supportive either - but we ended up having a big talk just before the big day and it turns out he was just very scared, and afraid that our whole lives would change and that I wouldn't be attracted to him anymore (and maybe he wouldn't' be attracted to me). That we wouldn't be able to eat together or go out to restaurants and eat etc...

I say have an honest talk with him and ask him how he feels. He probably feels like he is going to be very lonely after your surgery because you'll be out exercising and doing all sorts of new things. He might feel left behind!

After my surgery, when things got back to normal my boyfriend feels a lot better. I cook the same meals for us (so he's eating healthier too) and he can see that things will be just the same as they were before -- well mostly.

He does struggle now with his own weight because I am shrinking and he is still bigger. So I just try to let him know that I love him the way he is.

Good luck - and try to see things from his point of view. But if he's too negative and won't talk to you or change what/how he is commenting about your goals - then I would agree with the other poster - kick him to the curb because this is for YOU and YOUR health!

Hi there

We all need to have dreams and goals. Don't let him burst your bubble.

I hope you achieve the goals you have for yourself and he sees that and eats his words. Even if we don't achieve the goals and dreams we have we don't need negative/un supportive people to bring us down

Vent anytime

Hugs