OT: Living in fear

Janet reached out to me this morning on the chat. I visit here often, every day but find it too difficult to reach out and post. I am almost 6 years post op, weighing in at 165 lbs down from 330. I was all the way down to 137 and that was too thin. I became a transfer addict from food to alcohol, but am sober today and thankful for it. But the damage has been done all my own doing. I am not well physically or mentally and can't seem to help myself get help. It's like I just don't care. My mental processes don't work well, I can barely walk, my knees are shot....somedays I eat great and others not.....so I live in fear each day. Wish I had made better choices.
Monica

Maonica....so wonderful to see your post  this morning!!

We all struggle with our own personal demons....sometimes we do better then others at controling them.

I wish you all the best....please come and visit more often....we are here in the good times and bad!

Hugs.....connie d

Oh Monica,
Hang in there, you are not alone. Keep posting and one day the light will shine into to get the help you need. We all know you have to make that first step to wellness.
Today you can make better choices for yourself.

Keep reading upbeat positive postings. Again, you are not alone. Sending you great big hugs and truly my heart goes out to you. You deserve the best care in the world, regardless of choices you have made in the past. Today...it's new and it's yours for the taking. Reach out Monica!

Monica,

I've told you before and I'll tell you again and again until you hear it. You are loved and missed so much here on our little forum. Your "Stupid Monica Tricks" are still mentioned. They so often rang true with me too or reminded me of a "Stupid Karen Trick" that was just as bad! Often "fessing up" helped me to refocus and get back on track.

I know life seems pretty gloomy right now. I've heard the term "dry drunk" I'm sure you have too. I still have times when I want to overeat without the consequences. And that just doesn't happen. There are consequences to everything we do. Bad ones when we don't treat ourselves and our bodies with respect. On the other hand there ARE good consequences when we do treat ourselves well.

Monica, you are so worthy of good things. Please, please find a support group. You know they are out there. Make that phone call if you haven't. It can't hurt can it? And it just might allow you to start making those little steps towards feeling better.

I probably should have PM's this. Just wanted you to know that I care and I know many here do too. You are mentioned and missed! Take care,

Good Morning Monica. . .

While I am happy to see you post, I am sad to here that you are living in constant fear.

You made a better choice today, you reached out and said you are having a rough time, we care about you and are here for you in support.

I am very open about my own personal journey that led me to recovery 23 years ago and while that helped prepare me when I had WLS, there have been times in the past 23 years where I have felt as you describe in your post.  I do believe that OH has a segment that deals with transfer of addictions and perhaps you might wish to see if there is anything of value that you can gain from it.  What I know is you are not alone, addicition is cunning, baffling and insidious and knows no ethnic, racial, religious or other boundaries, as we say in AA/NA, from Park Avenue to park bench, there is simply no reason to suffer because there is hope and there is joy in living and I wish you find it.

I wish you find strength in our numbers and peace in knowing that one day you might find your way out of the things you are experiencing now.

Laureen

Monica, I do understand your fear ... I also have it. I have regained 20 pounds. I could easily be an alcoholic but I get drunk too easily on one drink. My transfer addiction was overspending (although I had it along with overeating); can't do much of that either because I don't have credit cards and really, simply don't have the money.

As for the knees, boy, do I understand that. A knee replacement, a revision, both failed, on my right knee ... I'm in constant pain and fearful of having any other ortho doc do anything else because it will make it worse. So I live on vicodin (just two a day) and ice packs and grit my teeth. Exercise? No, I don't do it. Can't afford a pool (we have one at the apartment complex, but it's closed now).

I had a shrink back in Michigan, but I can't afford one here ... it's $50 copay, and it's too expensive. It was a $21 copay in Michigan. So I rely on my friends instead. It's why I keep coming here daily, to spill my guts. It keeps me sane.

Don't stay away. We are here for you.

Dear Monica,
Just stay here and post. We need you back. Connecting with others is always a good thing for your soul!
Julia

Monica,
My heart goes out to you.  You are a good person.  Believe it and have hope.  Making better choices can start today.  Don't look back on the past.  Do you have medical insurance?  Can you get those knees done?  Can you get out where you can make some friends who can support you?
I'm sending you a big cyber (((hug))) but I wish I was closer so I could give you a real one.
Hang in there.
Bev

Monica

Sometimes we need to just take one day at a time.  Rejoice in the good days and forgive ourselves for the bad days. 

Is there counseling available for you?  Sometimes you may need the one-to-one approach as well as the group support.  Laureen has been very open about her history with alcohol, and has been posting a thread every day that seems to apply to many of us, even those who don't use alcohol.  I see myself in so much of what she's posting, as I know many of us do. 

Please don't give up on yourself.  You've helped us old-timers on this board.  Find a counselor, or go to an AA meeting, or just keep looking till you find some help that fits your needs.  Don't isolate yourself.  It doesn't work.  I know that from experience.

My thoughts are with you.

Candy

Monica:
(((((HUG))))) consider yourself having received a big ole hug from Debbie G! 
Keep coming back ok?