Today's Reflection

Coping with Families

There are many paths to self-care with families. Some people choose to sever connections with family members for a period of time. Some people choose to stay connected with family members and learn different behaviors. Some disconnect for a time, and then return slowly on a different basis.

There is no one or perfect way to deal with members of our family in recovery. It is up to each of us to choose a path that suits us and our needs at each point in time.

The idea that is new to us in recovery is that we can choose. We can set the boundaries we need to set with family members. We can choose a path that works for us, without guilt and obligation or undue influence from any source, including recovery professionals.

Our goal is to detach in love with family members. Our goal is to be able to take care of ourselves, love ourselves, and live healthy lives despite what family members do or don't do. We decide what boundaries or decisions are necessary to do this.

It's okay to say no to our families when that is what we want. It's okay to say yes to our families if that feels right. It's okay to call time out and it's okay to go back as a different person.

God, help me choose the path that is right for me with family. Help me understand there is no right or wrong in this process. Help me strive for forgiveness and learn to detach with love, whenever possible. I understand that this never implies that I have to forfeit self-care and health for the good of the system.

Laureen have I told you lately how much I love and appreciate you and your postings?

You have posted my life here.
With counseling I have finally gotten rid of my guilt for my choices that I had to do for me to survive, especially post op from WLS. I use your posts to equal eating choices too.
Thank you, thank you and thank you!!

God is speaking to me through your postings today, you indeed are God's Servant.

Debbie,

Thank you for always having a kind thing to say about these posts, which while not why I post them, it is nice to know that these touch others in the way they do me, which is THE reason I post them, because as someone who suffered from low self esteem and the issues related to it, addictions of various types, as I've said before, these readings can help many, not just those in 12 Step Recovery programs.  Of course, they need to be read with an open mind and heart, but I must say, by and large the many have stated they get something from these and so I will continue to post them as I get them, though there are some days I don't post them because they are totally specific to issues of recovery from addiction, as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, so on those days I either don't post them, or I look in my archives for one that I can post instead.

You all inspire me each and every day and so if I can share a small part of what has changed my life, most notably in the way I think, because of things like these readings, I am thrilled and happy to share them with everyone here. . .

Thanks to you and EVERYONE who has taken a moment from time to time to acknowledge the relevance of these to their lives!!!

Hugs, Laureen

Hugs right back to you Laureen,
Most of the time I can relate your posting to Mindful Eating too.
Keep them coming and like I said you are God's Servant. We all need to serve others, volunteer and reach out.

The older I get the more I enjoy life and learning. Reflections. Wonderful!

Laureen, 

Thanks again for a post that helps me remember what is important and that there are resources for help in making the choices that are best for me today. 

Recently a first cousin of mine, Barbara, died.  I was not at all close to her [had not spoken in over 20 yrs] but another first cousin, Rebecca, was close to Barbara and went to the funeral, accompanied by her two daughters.  One of the daughters called me afterwards to talk about the experience, and I was remined of how much Rebecca holds on to "being right" over being close and experiencing the love of other family members.  It made me sad, since I love Rebecca, and it is hard to watch her cut herself off from other family members on the basis of some slight or injury which she can not forgive.  

So just for today, I am asking my higher power to help me remember that I can not control people, places, and things and that Rebecca's higher power will watch over her, and mine will watch over me, and I can ask for help for me [although I do pray for spiritual ease for Rebecca, as I worry that she has little of that right now].  

Anyway, it is so comforting to be able to share these thoughts with someone who is on the path and understands the struggles.  Thank you for being there and being an open and welcoming spiritual force within OH.

Have a wonderful day and a great week.

Judy G from Waltham, MA [aka Shelto1946]

p.s. Not sure when I will get down to central NJ to see my other cousin, Marilyn, nor whether I will go to Philly to visit friends on that trip, but still hope to get to meet you sometime!  Meanwhile, be warm, drive safely, and wait for spring.. 

Judy,

This reading spoke so much to me of what drama I used to experience within the confines of my family and even those closest to me. . .  your sharing your cousin story also reminded me of something that happened in my family. . .

Many years ago, when my brother was getting married, he and his bride to be, paying for their own big hollywood style affair (lol), invited those they choose that they felt closest too, well 2 weeks before their wedding, my one cousin calls my Mom to ask if her son could bring a "date", mind you, it was a date and not a long time girlfriend or something, well my Mom told this cousin that she would have to contact my brother directly, as it was his wedding, but that she thought it not a great idea, after all, none of the other cousins had been invited with a guest, long story short, they had a falling out.  Fast forward 10 years later and my Mom is in ill health, quite obvious to all who see her at a family gathering for a wedding shower of another cousin, my Mom knew her days to be numbered and when we walk into the shower, who should be sitting at the table that we were seated at, but this cousin, who she has not spoken with in all that time (both my Mom and this particular cousin are known grudgekeepers), anyway, my Mom relented and tried to be friendly, the cousin ignored my Mom, one month later at the wedding, my Mom again tried to be friendly to this cousin to no avail. . .  2 weeks later, my Mom passed away and we had a one day wake, 3 days after she passed, can you guess who came in.   I can remember clearly thinking, you hypocrite, my Mom had a sense of her impending passing and did something so uncharacterisic for her in reaching out to you and here you sit, after she is gone, I thought to myself that I was indeed grateful for the gift of learning through them, that grudgekeeping is nothing but a cancer or hardening of ones heart and therefore serves no real purpose in life.  I forgave my cousin in my heart that day and we moved on, however, she now harbors a grudge towards me for another situation with a different cousin. . .  she just looks for situations to "be right" with and misses the gift of being wrong sometimes. . .

Thanks for sharing your story and also, please do let me know if you are ever in the area, it would be nice to meet you too. . .

Hugs, Laureen

Laureen....it took many, many years of therapy for me to finally be able to make decisions like this.

Thank you for this awesome post!! It comes at a perfect time for me. Reminders  are a good thing.

Hugs....connie d

Laureen,

Right on target again. I LOVE my family but there are times that I may not LIKE them. It is okay too.

Big smooches
Annette