struggling to surrender

Both yesterday and just a few moments ago I have been eating to the point of being uncomfortable. Yesterday I vomited multiple times. Today I actually stopped before that happened. I still feel uncomfortable but have not been stomach sick. I am weighing and measuring. And struggling.

I talked to my therapist about it this morning and we tossed it around and the best fit seems to be a control issue. It is very obvious the pouch is in control. If it wants to be empty, it is. I know I am being pig headed. Been working hard of my food issues. I am just frustrated with myself. There is no logical reason to make myself feel and be sick. That's just crazy making. I wonder (because I just thought about it) if I am having post surgery guilt. Guilt in that I took and am taking care of myself.

I know the difference betwen WILLING and WILLFUL. The willful part is kicking my ass. I went back to step one. I am truly powerless over my food addiction.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I can't, God can, I think I will let him.

Good Luck
Steve

i am not trying to be smart here or anything ,,,,but why would you feel guilty for taking care of yourself,,,i mean who else is going to do it if not you,,you've taken the steps to do this so you are not as powerless as you think,,you should not keep saying your powerless,, the more you say that,,the more you will begin to believe it,and you are far from powerless.:)

And that journey to "willing" and "serenity" is, indeed, what the journey is all about.

I struggle greatly with control and perfectionism - as contrasted to awareness and surrender. This may be the lifelong part for me.

It's tough.  I was a volume eater.  Post surgery, I rarely, if ever overate.  I was too afraid of throwing up, especially after I got food stuck a few times.  Now, for whatever reason, I tend to be overeating to that really full feeling.  It is 100% mental.  Prior to surgery I lived leaving the table feeling gorged.  This is still a battle I am waging with myself.  The only way I defeat it is when I measure and absolutely follow the no drinking rules, which I do anyway.  For me personally, I have to learn how it feels to leave the table w/o feeling stuffed.  Early post op I always felt that way.  Now 19 months later, this is my battle to overcome as life is normal again.  It's good you have a therapist. to help you sort this out. 

Thanks everyone for your replies.

In no way do I think that "I" am powerless. My altered perception and thus altered lifelong relationship with food is what I am powerless over. I have a new skill set. New ways to think and behave. Sometimes I forget and my body reminds me.

Feeling guilty comes in as the result of a distorted perception. Thats why I talk about it so it does not consume me. There I know I have reclaimed my power.

Willing is a frame of mind and way of life for me. I am willing to try, to be afraid, to be angry, to be happy, to be alive. I own my feelings now instead of hiding and burying them beneath food and denile.

I have been reminded to be more gentle and kind with myself. I am human and will make mistakes. My goal is to persevere. Practice my new skills. Live my life and love myself.

This is an awesome journey. Thanks for coming along for the ride.

One day at a time, one meal at a time..

Beautifully said, Mary! Thank you!

We've all been taught for so long "clean up your plate, children are starving in (insert struggling country here)" Well, you stuffing food into your tummy won't feed them. I personally like not feeling hungry, so I don't mind missing the overstuffed feeling I used to give myself.

Learn your signal for full. My "high level alarm" is when my nose starts to run. If I sniffle, I stop eating. It works every time and still does after six years. Some folks sniffle, others belch, still others hiccup. When it happens, stop eating.

And please be kinder to yourself; you are not a bad, evil, weak, horrible person if you eat food. You must eat to live. Food is fuel.

Best wishes,

Lynn, one thing I learned in my pre op nutrition classes was to gauge our fullness. Pre op that included a rating that the dietitian called "Thanksgiving Full."

When I was at my peak weight, I ate until Thanksgiving Full almost every day.

It is different now of course, but I have to be strict with myself to stop eating and remove food when I am done (as defined by the hiccup, by the way). Otherwise I can wait a few minutes, take a bite, wait a few minutes, take another bite, and so on. In restaurants I have to get a carry out box right away.