Divorce after WLS

I am the person who took her Wedding Vows very seriously. But my relationship with my husband is falling apart.  Has anyone else experienced this?  Were able to bounce back or did it end?  Feel free to private message me if you would rather not post I really could use some help.

Why is it falling apart?  Have the two of you considered going to marriage counseling?

My marriage unraveled prior to my wls, but I can maybe help.  Was your marriage strong before wls?  If it wasn't, if off a little, your problems will be magnified after wls.  For me, this is what happened to me after wls with my relationship with an ex-boyfriend, who I thought I loved.

After surgery, I was finally able to actually experience emotions.  I never did.  I stuffed mine all away with food.  As a post-op, life got hard.  All of the daily problems that I always had seemed so much worse.  This wasn't the case, it was my perception of the problems.  As time went on, I realized that I 'settled' for lack of a better word.  He said he loved me, and I told him the same.  But the problem was--I didn't love MYSELF.  I put everyone else's needs (my kids, family, boyfriend, co-workers heck even strangers) before my own.  I always said 'Kids are #1, then family/bf, xyz.......' problem was--I wasn't even ON the list!!!  I remember my long-time therapist Leah telling me 'Kids are #1, YOU are 1 1/2'  I had to realize that the world wasn't going to end if I said 'no'.  My family didn't like it, and now I no longer talk to any of them.  If any of you have ever seen the show 'Breaking Amish' on TLC, it was like being shunned in the Amish community.  I am dead to them.  They didn't like the fact that I stood up for myself, was no longer a doormat, and started thinking for myself for a change.  I became independent. 

My relationship with my bf became strained.  He was very supportive, complimented me, but then became increasingly jealous of the attention I began to get.  I became jealous of women he would 'flirt' with at work (he worked at a nightclub on the weekends that I used to go to and dance with my girlfriends over a period of years) and became suspicious that he was cheating on me.  I began to trust my gut.  I remember one day he was at work, I was home with my kids (from my marriage of 16 years) as it was the summer and I had a great job that allowed me to work from home.  I bought a new collage frame at Khols that was 1/2 price and I wanted to check his laptop in the bedroom to see if he had pictures of the two of us on it that I didn't to fill the 12 frame spots.  Well, I found a 'secret' file of pictures that, well lets just say, weren't ME and they were NAKED.  I'm not talking like porn pictures--they were pictures from actual people.  People, I found out later on, that he 'flirted' with at the nightclub over the years.  I confronted him when he got home, after crying all day long, and he told me that he wasn't cheating (do guys EVER say 'hey yeah, I'm cheating on you!') that they were just pictures that people sent him (duh) and I believed him.  We began couples counseling and a lot of stuff came out, but we agreed to work on it.  It wasn't until after being away overnight (at a relative's house) that I came home and found an empty condom wrapper on my nightstand that I threw his ass out. 

Fast-forward to meeting my fiance'.  We met a year ago Halloween and boy what a year its been!!!  I was about 1/2 way done losing weight at that time (about a size 14/16).  We met online, after I broke up with my bf, in costume.  Wow I was so excited!  I never really dated much.  Married my high school sweetheart (16 years), and only had 2 other boyfriends at 40 years old.  I dressed up in costume as a girl pirate and went to a local bar that had a band playing with my cousin and our friend.  He was also a pirate.  We had a great time, were getting to know each other, flirting (something I was clueless about) and dancing.  I won 2nd prize in the costume contest (it was a like a $25 gift certificate to a local restaurant) and had the best night.  After that night, I really didn't expect much out of our date and didn't know if he really even liked me.  I was really surprised when he did text me the next week and we began dating.  We got engaged on July 3rd of this year (totally unexpected!!!  I swore off all engagements forever after my ex-husband!) and now live on the island of Nantucket with our 3 awesome babies Simba, Nala and Raven, our kitties. 

Life is good!  I now know what sharing my life with another being is.  I now know what love really is.  I now love myself which is why.  Our relationship is so much more than anything I can describe.  We truly share in everything.  He has my heart and I have his which is such an amazing bond like no other.  A bond on a spiritual level. 

Here are some pictures of me.  The first is the way I looked when my fiance' and I met.  The second is how we looked this past summer at his friend's wedding. 

I would suggest counseling for you and your husband to see if you can get past what your issues are.  If you are not currently in counseling for yourself, I would suggest that too.  It really helped me with post-op life challenges to have a therapist.  Please feel free to personal message me if you would like.  Relationships are tough but if you both want to work on it you may be able to salvage it. 

Mallisa

Hijack - That was such a beautiful story!...and what a lovely couple in your pics - thank you so much for sharing.

My husband and I watched a show where it said 85% of people get divorced after WLS.  Wow!  I have been married for 18 years and do not want a divorce to trying to stay as much the same person I was other than with more confidence. My husband is a good man so it isn't about anything other than the stats scared both of us a little. 

I pray for your marriage that it will be what you want it to be, you both grow and change together through this change of life. 

Unfortunately, you are right about the percentages. I have read that over and over and I am not surprised.  Even if your foundation is solid this is such a life changing event and even for those that never thought it would happen to them, it did. 

So sorry for your struggles!  Dealing with marriage issues on top of the physical and emotional changes with WLS must be very overwhelming.  

My best suggestion based on my experiences is to: FIRST maintain focus on improving your own physical and mental health by following Bari-Doc's plan and seeking mental health counseling for your individual (WLS) needs.

Once you are showing signs of psychological stabilization and improvement THEN work on improving marriage through therapy.

Point I want to make is that if YOU are not in a good place, it will be difficult for your marriage to be in a much better place.

As far as the statistics go....Within the last 10 month: Me, my sweet wife, and my lovely daughter have all had RnY and we still like each other :-)

Hang in there and be proud of the significant positive changes you've made in your life!

Thanks to everyone *****sponded.  Unfortunately my marriage is done.  I have come to the conclusion that it is time for ME!!!  I declared last year at this time it would be a LIZ YEAR and I have had to fight for every second.  No more fighting