My confession ( long and infuriating)

I failed the hell out of this holiday season...

I admit that I was unable to keep myself in check these past few weeks.  I totally went off the deep end.  Peanut Brittle, Cookies and candy.  I realized ( dangerously) that I do not dump from sugar... I get nauseated, kinda sick to my stomach, but I don't full-on dump. Right now I am a few days shy of 5 months out from my RNY.  I have lost 98 lbs.  Not bad considering everything.  My hair is falling out in clumps because I am not keeping up with my protein.  I feel ashamed... I want to change this downward spiral.  I need to make an appointment with the NUT.  I am ashamed to do it, and I need to get over myself. I thought I was stronger than this, but apparently not.

Pain is a ***** A bitter, cruel miserable *****!

 I'm 30 years old, I should not have to feel this crippled and useless.  My life is all revolving around my menstrual cycle.  Before the period, it hurts, after the period it hurts and during the period I want to kill myself it hurts so bad.  I have an appointment with an OB/Gyn that helped a friend of a friend with her issues with infertility and endometriosis. I just want a doctor who will listen to me!!!! Every period that has come and gone since my RNY has been fraught with dizziness, horrible cramps, nausea and wanting to pass out it hurts so bad. I have been hospitalized because of it.  Just do the damn procedure and look in there with the camera and see what is making this so excruciating for me every month. 

On top of all that, my marriage almost collapsed.  We worked through our issues and after a lot of tears, we decided that we love each other too much to throw in the towel.   I don't think I have ever been closer to him as I am now.  We got the passion back in our marriage now... And for the first time ever, I bought lingerie and used it...  I finally can feel at least a little comfortable in my own skin.'

I know I am going to get crucified for this, but while I am letting it all hang out, I feel I need to say everything.

I know that I should not get pregnant until  I am 18 months out.  But yet, after that little "oopsie" condom break I decided I was putting way too much worry into it.  We have not used protection since.  And yet, every month I have been brought to my knees with my period.  I am not worried I am going to get pregnant, surprisingly.  I know its not going to happen for me with out a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  I had this bloody surgery only to help me lose the weight so I could get pregnant. Because after all of the infertility testing it was determined I was TOO FAT TO CONCEIVE!    What now? Why wont I conceive now? Oh yeah, maybe because there is someone else wrong!!!! 

I  will accept all of your advice, admonishments and comments with an open mind. I know I laid a lot out there.  But  I dont feel anyone can understand me as some on the people here can.

First of all, congratulations on losing an awful lot of weight in 5 months!  I am still pre-op so will leave the admonishment, exhortation and encouragement to those who've already been there.  However I do want to tell you that you sound like my best friend of over 40 years (we are in our 50s now).  Her periods were just like yours and she was never able to conceive.  She JUST this month found out she is lacking in folic acid and that at least some of all those horrible periods she endured may have been possible miscarriages (what a shock to learn that).  That may not be your case, but it's something else you might want to ask about when you do go in. 

Bless you, hang in there - you obviously know how this works since you've done so well up to now.  Keep doing what you know worked in the past and we are here for you ((hugs))

 

Have you thought about making an appointment with the psychologist who did your psych eval and show them your post?  They may have some insight on why you stray from the plan and also with your desire for conception when only 5 months out from WLS, which is ill-advised by most doctors' plans.  Those seem to be dangerous indicators.  Might you be wishing for conception to "cement" your marriage?

 

 

I also suspected that you may want a child to solidify your marriage. Or maybe because a break from horrible periods would be awesome.

I have PCOS and suspected endometriosis. I have never done the surgery to check for endo, but I have all the signs and complications that come with it. At this point in my life, I never get a period. To have one, I take a week of BC pills and wthin 2 days of stopping I start bleeding. I SHOULD be doing this every few months, but my periods are so traumatizing I have only done it twice since August 2011. I understand the pain and the misery. It is hell! I plan on going on a hormone BC pill regularly once I am able to take pills fine post op. I had a tubal done last year, so I have no risk of getting pregnant. My doctors told me back in 2010 that I needed to be sure I was done with kids before doing WLS. Not only because of the risks, but because it is hard to lose weight post baby and the tool might be wasted. I had my second child in 2011, then had a tubal while in the hospital. I need to take BC for regulating my cycle, but I will feel better knowing I have even more protection. A baby will not fix anything, dear. It seems like you are still fighting to gain control of your own life. A child does not help that. You are only 30! Take heart in knowing that in a couple years, you will not only have a better chance at getting pregnant, but you will be healthier and more prepared.

As for the eating...you know what you need to do. You have done so well these last 5 months. You arent made of stone, you wont be able to say no every time. Call your NUT. Dont be ashamed. No matter how bad you think you are, they have seen worse! And even worse than that? The people who are destroying their body and tool by not following the plan and not asking for help. So call. It is the right thing to do.

Take care!

I don't know anything about you, but I feel that I need to be honest here... IMO, you are being both foolish and selfish (do not have a child's best interests in mind) by not doing anything to prevent pregnancy at only 5 months post op.  There is a REASON that they don't want women to get pregnant for 18 months... because of the great difficulty of getting adequate nutrition so early post op... and that 12-18 months is for women who ARE getting sufficient protein, not women who are not even getting enough protein for  their own needs let alone themselves and a growing baby!  You may not THINK you are going to (or CAN) get pregnant right now, but what happens if you do?  You would be jeopardizing the health of the fetus. Being a mother means putting your child's welfare FIRST, and by CONSCIOUSLY throwing caution to the wind KNOWING that it is medically ill-advised to get pregnant so early after surgery when you are not following the nutritional rules, you would not be doing that.

As a counselor, it also concerns me that, even though you and your husband have decided to try to work things out, and although you say that you have worked through your issues, your post also makes it sound like this has been relatively recent, and -- if so -- a  marriage that almost collapsed and may not be completely stable is not the kind of environment that you want to bring a child into.  Take the time to get your eating under control, get your body healthy and further out from surgery, get your marriage strengthened, and THEN consider getting pregnant.

I had a hysterectomy at age 32 because of fibroids (and some endometriosis) and went through many months of pain, a couple of laparoscopies, and daily Lupron injections before they identified both sources of the pain, so I know how difficult can be to be in discomfort throughout the month and then severe pain for a week every month.  Since they do not know what the problem is, though, that is yet ANOTHER reason that it would be foolish for you to cease using birth control and risk getting pregnant!

I hope you are able to get a doctor to listen to you and figure out why you are in such pain, but please be responsible about birth control until you are at least a year out.

Lora

 I 100% agree with Lora...

As someone who also suffered with infertility at your age, I do understand the burning desire to procreate; however, Lora is right when she says the child's best interest must always come first.

What you want is not important, what your future needs and deserves is all that should matter to you, and until you actually reach this conclusion, you're just not emotionally ready to provide a child with what they will need to flourish.

Take a deep breath and please give yourself, your marriage, and your future child the opportunity to be the best it can be. 

 

So -- everybody fails. It happens. In a nutshell, you have a choice to make:  follow your doctor's advice, or continue your current path. Sounds to me like you aren't very happy with your current direction, so maybe that's not the way to go.

My husband and I struggled with fertility, so I understand the fear of never being able to have a baby. But you've gone through a fairly radical surgery to try and improve your chances of having a child. I understand that every period feels like failure to some degree -- but your body is simply not equipped right now to properly support a developing baby. Furthermore, your body is not equipped right now to support nursing said baby post-partum. The only way you can be the kind of mom that I'm sure you want to be is by taking care of yourself now. Let your body adjust -- and yeah, it's going to take the full 18 months for your body to settle into your "new normal". It seems like forever, but it's a short-term wait for a long-term payoff. You mentioned that you believe you won't get pregnant without medical intervention; your hormones are going bonkers right now, so almost anything can happen. Trust me on this one.

Between 3 and 6 months out, you're going to lose a lot of hair. Keep up with your protein and it'll come back. You and your husband have had some rough times lately, but you're fixing things and getting your relationship back on track. Keep it up, because you're going to need a solid foundation for your future kids.

But most of all, stop beating yourself up. There's not a single person in these forums who hasn't fallen off the wagon at some point. You recognize that you've made a series of less-than-spectacular choices, and recognizing that is an important first step. So accept that it can't be changed now, and decide to make choices you won't regret going forward. Today is over; it's in the books, for better or for worse -- but you have control over tomorrow's choices. :-)
 

I agree with Lora. Get on birth control. And find a therapist. I'm curious if you were posting here before and created a new profile yesterday for your "confession". I hope you seek help.

They have been a member since 2/27/2012 with pics and such.  It doesn't seem new.

I have seen her post many times before, she is not new.