I need help...please

Hi, folks.  It's been a while since I've been here.  I am two years post op and have lost 130 pounds.  My two year checkup was last month.  I'm still having issues with food...mostly solid protein.  I still get sick 3-4 times a week.  The last six months have been especially hard.  Anytime I even THINK about eating, I get nauseous and start having the dry heaves.  Shortly after my one year anniversary, my surgeon went in the see if my openings were smaller due to scar tissue or other issues.  He said everything inside looks very healthy.  

This last appointment I expressed my concern regarding the vomiting.  He wants to see me again in six months instead of a year.  He said he doesn't want to have to classify me as having an eating disorder, so he asked me to get counseling and keep in contact with my regular doctor. That freaked me out.  I have lost a lot of weight and now it feels like just another nail has been added and I'm never going to get better.

I have had a total of 14 surgeries counting my RNY, followed by a total knee replacement last August and a neck fusion this past March.  I just don't know how many more "issues" I can mentally and physically take.  I travel a LOT for work (80,000 miles per year on average).  It has been hard trying to eat with coworkers knowing that I'm most likely going to purge after dinner.  I'm getting about 800 calories in per day...my surgeon said I should be getting at least 1,200.  Just the thought of eating that much food makes me stomach rebel.

I started therapy to work through some of these issues while I was recovering from my neck fusion.  Now I travel Mon-Fri and can't get back to the counselor.  I am tired of being sick.  I haven't perfected the whole purge thing and it is usually violent and painful resulting in busted blood vessels in my face and neck and sometimes even my chest and it makes me look like I got in a barroom brawl.  It is hard to hide those things from friends, family, and co-workers.  I've tried sharing this with family and friends, but they just say oh don't worry about it...you will get the hang of it...or it's not really that bad...or stop getting sick.  Ok, if it were that easy, I would have done it already.

I'm just tired.  I'm tired of trying and tired of vomiting.  I'm also tired of looking in the mirror and I can't see the difference in how I look now compared to before the surgery.  I know on a logical level that I am smaller.  My pant size went from a 34 to a 14/16...depending on the fit.  My bra size went from a 54DD to a 40DD.  Shirts down from 32 or 4X down to 18/20 and XL.  But when I look in the mirror...I can't see it...and I don't feel it.  My meds have been reduced significantly and my blood work comes back with straight As.

I don't know how much more of this my body can take.  My dog passed away in early May and now I am alone even with tons of people around me.  Each day gets harder and harder for me to face.  I keep wondering why I did this if I don't look any different.  To top things off, I've been divorced almost 10 years and I haven't even started dating yet.  I thought if I had this surgery, maybe men would notice the real me since I wasn't fat.  But according to the height/weight charts and BMI, I'm still considered obese.  It's just been one thing after another and I think the straw that broke the camels back is coming soon.

Can someone please tell me if you have had any experiences like this?  How did you work through it?  How do I move past this?  How do I see what everyone else sees?  I thought I would come here to my original support group and just say...I need help.  I was so discouraged when I posted my weight loss numbers on Facebook and I had several people write things like "disgusting"..."you are so lazy"..."how can you live with yourself?".  I thought I have done a good thing for myself...but maybe I'm just delaying the inevitable.

I'm in crisis mode and I don't know how to get out of it.  I'd appreciate any help/words of wisdom/kick in the pants that you, as my support group, can share.

Lost and alone,

Vicky

Vickie I don't really have any advice to offer as I am only 11 months out. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone! I'll be praying for you to be able to get into your therapist and get the help you need. You have been through so much it is bound to get better soon. I too have a hard time seeing myself as smaller but I keep looking at old pictures side by side with new ones to remind myself  of the changes in me. I wish I had kept a pair of my before pants that I could try on every now and then. I'm sure you'll get some great advice from the vets soon. Hang in there,honey!

Hi there....i am only 9days post-op, but you mentioned your Dr wanting you to get help, and based on just this post I agree. You KNOW you lost weight, but your 'mind' refuses to see it...stop hurting yourself. You have been through so much according to your post that you deserve to truly start your healing process.
Let the real Vicky stand up and be strong!

If you have absolutely NO option about traveling every week for work, I would suggest trying to find a therapist who has Saturday hours (which, admittedly, may be quite difficult).  I would think a more realistic option. however, would be finding some way to only travel 4 days out of the week every other week or something so that you can be in counseling on a regular basis.  Your company does not need to know anything more than that you need medical treatment. I know that may be a difficult thing to do, but as a therapist, there are a number of things that worry me in your post and I am afraid that you are, indeed, approaching a breaking point. If you are having to struggle to purge, it sounds as if it is not your body that is rejecting the food, but your mind.  

Lots of people struggle with it taking time to see their new size, especially if they were obese for a long period of time.  It DOES eventually happen, though.  It took me about three years to stop looking at my thighs and swearing they were just as big as ever (even though I could stand with BOTH legs in ONE leg of my pre-op jeans). Something that often helps is looking at pictures of yourself with other people, or seeing yourself along with other people in store windows so you can see your size in comparison to other people's size.

I am not sure why you posted your weight loss numbers on Facebook (I would personally never even consider posting them anywhere but here), but I a, sorry you received such horrible comments.  There are always people who are going to be critical, and most people have FAR more Facebook "friends" than are real friends who can be counted on for support.  Please don't open yourself up to that kind of hurt and judgment.

If you are truly in crisis, your job and everything else should take second place to getting yourself OUT of the dark place you are in. Are you taking any kind of anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication?  There are a number of things that might help your depression AND your aversion to food.  That is probably outside the scope of your PCP or surgeons's training, though, so seeing a psychiatrist would probably be VERY helpful since they have very specific training on the kinds of medications that might help you feel better, both physically and psychologically/emotionally.

You are not alone.  There is a lot of support to be found here.

Finally, if you are having thoughts of harming yourself in any way, PLEASE reach out to a crisis line, the counselor you have seen before,a  local ER, or the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-TALK (8255).

Lora

Yeah, you need help.  I think you have to make your health a priority.  If you can't adjust your work schedule in order to go to therapy during the week, you'll need to find a therapist with weekend hours or one that will do phone or Skype sessions.  You have to make it a priority.  You need to do whatever you have to do in order to be able to get the help you need.

Hi:

You're not alone.  This is a serious surgery that presents serious issues (on top of all of our other issues).  It can throw us into a tailspin as we learn to live in a new body.  That's a HUGE head trip!!  YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS!!  Thinking that there's something "wrong" with you will only bring you down even lower.  You do, however, need help.  Not everyone (including me) can do this without any bumps in the road.  We came into this surgery after years and years of bumps, right?  I didn't attempt to do this without therapy.  I saw the pain and suffering that can go on when we don't reach out for help.

So...there's obviously a great need for you to get help immediately.  Can you do that?  It's a gift that the help is out there for us, in many forms.  Again, YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS!  Many of us have felt that desperate pain and it's not your fault!!!  But get the help that you DESERVE.

Please commit to refraining from making any decisions that are permanent answers to temporary problems.  This is temporary. 

Thank you for reaching out the way you did.  You can see that people care and want you to get through this rough time. 

Again, this is not uncommon and you can do this with help.  One more thing...f**k FB people.  That's going to be the bar you set for your self esteem??  NO!!  If they had more interesting lives they wouldn't be so ready to comment on yours.  They'd be busy.

Jennifer

Vicki,

You are in my thoughts.  We started our journeys at approximately the same time.  And you've returned to seek help at the one place that grounded us all in the beginning.  AND THAT'S A GOOD THING!  We all can relate in one way or another to where you are and what has happened to you.  You know, it's the whole there but for the grace of ~whomever~, go I.  Laura, Kelley and everyone who has responded have let you know that you need to seek immediate external help.  You must make your health THE priority, and that includes mental health.  You're a smart, saavy women who's just had a whole heap of **** piled on you in the last year, and yet you are still aware and seeking help.  AND THAT'S A GOOD THING! 

You are smart enough to know you can't do this on your own.  No swift kick is going to set things right.  It may take months and years of counseling, and that's okay, because it's all part of the journey.  Setting goals, not reaching them, having hurdles to overcome, have our brains get in the way, having our lives fall apart, having our lives not be anything what we expected, not having the fairy tale ending, or having a fairy tale ending when we didn't expect it, or having overflow of love and compassion and help that we didn' expect.  Nothing is predictable in this life and we certainly didn't know what this journey would bring, or where it would take us, because, as you know, we cannot predict the future.  But as I say that, I suspect you already know that too.  AND THAT'S A GOOD THING!

If you do not one thing else after reading this thread, do this...re-read it, and re-read it again.  Know that we care, that you don't have to suffer, that you can find help, that you can get your life back, that you can achieve your dreams, that your path, while not a most direct route, is yours for the taking and living and traveling.  So re-read this thread, then pick up the phone and find yourself help, seek professional guidance, muster the courage to make you and your health a priority. 

And if you need a swift kick, I can't do that, but what I can do is tell you (in the words of A.A. Milne) that you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.  Please help yourself by reaching out for professional help so that you can rediscover a way to travel this journey and find happiness again.  And know that we care!  You are in our thoughts.

Your WLS Friend,
Christina

Find a good therapist who deals with post WLS patients. It will help tremendously. Many need the extra help a therapist can provide. Your doc may be able to suggest one. My surgeon has a psychologist in his office just for wls patients pre and post op. This surgery is on hour stomachs - it's not brain surgery. There are a lot of changes we go through and if we have problems that aren't medically related then it's a good chance a therapist can see that and help us. Find out what you need to in order to get better. This surgery is such a blessing it doesn't have to be any harder. Some need extra help and thankfully it's out there. Your doc is trying to help suggesting finding a therapist. It may do you a world of good - nothing to be afraid of. Get the help you need and make this a new lifestyle. You've done great so far - keep it up.
Jen 11+ yrs post op RNY

I agree with everything others have said above. Also, as a person who has multiple disabilities myself, I try to take one "whelm" at a time, so I don't get overwhelmed. I try to find things to be grateful for in the moment...some days, I have a list that starts out with..."my fingernails don't hurt".   6 months is a fair amount of time away.....I mean, the only thing really that can be done is what can be done in one day....the day we are currently in. Tomorrow will take care of itself....just today, breathe in and breathe out. take a moment to pause in between things, and just breathe. Please find a therapist, or a support group or there are online eating disorder support groups..."something fishy" is one that I remember hearing about, and there is a twelve step food program online called "The recovery group dot org. "  Not that those take the place of the pro's in any way, but just to know you are not alone.

I kow the feeling of not knowing how many more health issues a person can take. you are not alone.  One day, one moment at a time...and the moments will start to turn around. There is hope in nano seconds, because each minute has the potential to be different than the minute before. Try to not think about getting one more diagnosis. It hasn't happened yet, and it hasn't happened today.

All will be well.  Stay in touch

Thank you, everyone. I, too, recognize the warnings of where I am headed.  It scares me.  I believe I'm an intelligent enough person to know that this is a mental thing, but it seems the harder I try to control it, the worse I get.  I plan on calling my surgeon on Monday and see if he can recommend a good therapist.  I have a good therapist, but he doesn't work weekends. :(  Hate to start over, but as much as I hate to ask for help...that is what I'm doing.  I am the one that is always there for everyone else.  Now I need to be here for me.  

I will keep you posted.  Thank you for your support and encouragement.

Vicky