epiphany today made me sad
My surgery is in two weeks and I am so anxious and excited! As the date gets closer I have been thinking of things I am looking forward to as the new slimmer me. Wearing high heels, being more stylish, going shopping in my own closet for clothes that I still love but dont fit, and so on... So today, as I was cleaning out my jewelry box, I tried on a tiffany's neclace that my boyfriend gave me for out first Valentines day together... and the once very dainty looking chain fit like a tight choker!! :0( I busted out in tears and asked myself "When did this happen?? When did I get this fat?" I had no idea I had gained so much weight!! I also had no idea that my disinterest in so many things had to do with being fat. I have hundreds of sexy shoes and I had no idea that I stopped wearing them because I have become to heavy, I just thought "uugh to day I want to be confortable so I'l wear flats"...and one day became years. Everytime inbetween I wear heels my feet hate me and I'm just realizing now that its because I am too heavy! I know now, but it feels good that I am finally really doing something about it! The biggest thing I am looking forward to is no more wasting time being sad bacause I'm fat!
You remember this feeling when the carb craving**** when you are SICK of drinking liquid protein and just want a burger.... when one more glass of water is the last thing you want.. when your head says "1 piece of cake won't hurt!"
Yes, our weight impacts so much of our lives and it just creeps up so that you make excuses & ignore the truth as you buy larger & larger sizes. We had a problem, but now you are fast on your way to never being fat again!
LOOK FORWARD, but don't forget what will be behind you soon. Use this as your motivation. If I could lose 100 lbs at 50 yrs old, you can lose it, too!
Yes, our weight impacts so much of our lives and it just creeps up so that you make excuses & ignore the truth as you buy larger & larger sizes. We had a problem, but now you are fast on your way to never being fat again!
LOOK FORWARD, but don't forget what will be behind you soon. Use this as your motivation. If I could lose 100 lbs at 50 yrs old, you can lose it, too!
I too have been through huge emotions over this journey. Being older, 51, it's been almost 30 years since I've been anywhere near a "normal weight," and even then, my self esteem and body image issues prevented me from knowing I wasn't a "fat girl."
So much to re-learn, so many opportunities for growth and self awareness. Thank you for putting your self out there with honesty and truth. I love the positive "I am looking forward to.....".
Keep on growing, keep on sharing, and stay excited. 2 weeks isn't long, and then the new chapter begins........
So much to re-learn, so many opportunities for growth and self awareness. Thank you for putting your self out there with honesty and truth. I love the positive "I am looking forward to.....".
Keep on growing, keep on sharing, and stay excited. 2 weeks isn't long, and then the new chapter begins........
I was EXACTLY where you are now. I could have written your post two years ego. I just want to tell you that you will love life on the other side of this. There was so much I missed out on, so many great shoes I did not wear, so many sexy things I didn't want because they all looked silly on me. I missed it all and I did not even fully appreciate how much I missed it. It is all still here, waiting for you to want it again. Go get this life changing surgery, work your butt off laterally and get your beautiful, fun, sexy life back.
Oh, I hear ya! I feel the exact same way. It's tough to wear stylish shoes, some jewelry, etc. when you're fat. They just aren't comfortable.
I'm just now starting this journey, so I'm a ways off from actual surgery. I am SO looking forward to wearing some more styli****ems and not being in pain while wearing them.
I'm just now starting this journey, so I'm a ways off from actual surgery. I am SO looking forward to wearing some more styli****ems and not being in pain while wearing them.
Amen sista!
There are so many ins and outs on this journey...some you will expect and be prepared for, and others will knock the wind out of you and surprise you. It's mostly good, often bittersweet, sometimes sad. But it's real and it's living for once!
The clothes issue is an interesting one. For me it was deep-seated. I can remember always having to search for "pretty plus" (which, unsurprisingly, was not pretty at all, more akin to a trashbag with glitter). I have so much pain from either not being able to purchase Christmas or Easter dresses or Halloween costumes, or back to school clothes, or getting them and them cutting into my sides, making my stomach raw, and thinking all throughout the day how fat I was! And these were the thoughts of an 11 year old! As I got heavier I did try to dress better, and getting out of child sizes helped. But let's not kid ourselves--it's just not the same dressing 277 and 156. Shopping was never fun. It was more of an exercise in humility. I couldn't shop bargains--goodness I was lucky to find something that fit. No way was I passing it up! But I grew very fond of these purchases. These little gems that seemed to say "take me, I'll make you feel pretty even when the rest of the world will not." I've described my fat clothes as my "friends" on more than one occasion.
I was shocked at how difficult giving up the big clothes was. The more basic items--not so much. But the pretty dresses and jackets...I felt awful to be abandoning my "friends." And, sure, there is a moment where you wonder how you'll ever replace these finds should you regain. I gave many of my clothes to fellow Oh'ers who tell me they are taking good care of my friends. I also had a really hard time NOT reaching for the very back of the shelf for the largest size. That was the way it had been for SO long. Another experience I did not expect was my initial dislike of "normal" stores. Everyone talks about wanting to be able to shop at a normal store. At first I felt overwhelmed, I hated going to the back of the rack, again, and I also felt way out of my element. I could tell you the plus size stock at target forwards and backwards...but this whole wide world of clothing options would change things drastically. I also cursed the day a Torrid (plus size teens) went in my city...gah, did they just wait for the day I COULDN'T shop there?!
There are some things you forget about overweight days...things I never thought I would. Like the feeling of being ravenously hungry, feeling totally powerless. Or with clothing--everytime I stood up I had to hike up my pants and readjust because the weight of my belly had caused the pant waist to cuff down--even if I'd worn a belt! I'd almost completely forgotten how uncomfortable it was to find panties to either go entirely over my belly, or undeneath and they'd roll on down.
I remember people used to suggest they liked shoes because "they fit no matter your size." UNTRUE. I will say my shoe size has not changed, but the way shoes fit has. My feet aren't so fat. Shoes used to cut into me. Whether the top of my foot, or back near my heel where fat would spill out. Now I can wear shoes!
Probably the best experience I had with clothing...well there are a couple. I was shopping for clothes for a trip to Washington DC in February and put on 12's...the first of the bunch of them. I finally felt I'd arrived. Over the summer I shopped with my mom and she brought me dresses...I realized for the first time, really, I was able to shop with my mom and enjoy it. I almost felt guilty for having cheated her out of that experience. I know she, too, experienced pain whenever I couldn't fit into clothes or was disappointed. I squealed (literally!) when she brought me pretty dresses in 10's and 8's. And most recently I was doing some back to school shopping for my school/job I just started and I went into a store I'd never set foot in before. When I walked in my first question was "is this a petites store" because I'd honestly never been in. They spent over an hour dressing me and complimenting and complementing my body! I felt like Cinderella. Or like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman (not the store where they're mean lol).
Now when I think of all the things I've experienced since losing weight I sometimes get sad that it wasn't always this way. I wish I'd always felt this confidence. I'm sure long-time thin people take it for granted. So in a way, my curse may be a blessing. My previous experiences, unfortunate though they were, have allowed me to appreciate what I experience now. And I am SO thankful for that!
There are so many ins and outs on this journey...some you will expect and be prepared for, and others will knock the wind out of you and surprise you. It's mostly good, often bittersweet, sometimes sad. But it's real and it's living for once!
The clothes issue is an interesting one. For me it was deep-seated. I can remember always having to search for "pretty plus" (which, unsurprisingly, was not pretty at all, more akin to a trashbag with glitter). I have so much pain from either not being able to purchase Christmas or Easter dresses or Halloween costumes, or back to school clothes, or getting them and them cutting into my sides, making my stomach raw, and thinking all throughout the day how fat I was! And these were the thoughts of an 11 year old! As I got heavier I did try to dress better, and getting out of child sizes helped. But let's not kid ourselves--it's just not the same dressing 277 and 156. Shopping was never fun. It was more of an exercise in humility. I couldn't shop bargains--goodness I was lucky to find something that fit. No way was I passing it up! But I grew very fond of these purchases. These little gems that seemed to say "take me, I'll make you feel pretty even when the rest of the world will not." I've described my fat clothes as my "friends" on more than one occasion.
I was shocked at how difficult giving up the big clothes was. The more basic items--not so much. But the pretty dresses and jackets...I felt awful to be abandoning my "friends." And, sure, there is a moment where you wonder how you'll ever replace these finds should you regain. I gave many of my clothes to fellow Oh'ers who tell me they are taking good care of my friends. I also had a really hard time NOT reaching for the very back of the shelf for the largest size. That was the way it had been for SO long. Another experience I did not expect was my initial dislike of "normal" stores. Everyone talks about wanting to be able to shop at a normal store. At first I felt overwhelmed, I hated going to the back of the rack, again, and I also felt way out of my element. I could tell you the plus size stock at target forwards and backwards...but this whole wide world of clothing options would change things drastically. I also cursed the day a Torrid (plus size teens) went in my city...gah, did they just wait for the day I COULDN'T shop there?!
There are some things you forget about overweight days...things I never thought I would. Like the feeling of being ravenously hungry, feeling totally powerless. Or with clothing--everytime I stood up I had to hike up my pants and readjust because the weight of my belly had caused the pant waist to cuff down--even if I'd worn a belt! I'd almost completely forgotten how uncomfortable it was to find panties to either go entirely over my belly, or undeneath and they'd roll on down.
I remember people used to suggest they liked shoes because "they fit no matter your size." UNTRUE. I will say my shoe size has not changed, but the way shoes fit has. My feet aren't so fat. Shoes used to cut into me. Whether the top of my foot, or back near my heel where fat would spill out. Now I can wear shoes!
Probably the best experience I had with clothing...well there are a couple. I was shopping for clothes for a trip to Washington DC in February and put on 12's...the first of the bunch of them. I finally felt I'd arrived. Over the summer I shopped with my mom and she brought me dresses...I realized for the first time, really, I was able to shop with my mom and enjoy it. I almost felt guilty for having cheated her out of that experience. I know she, too, experienced pain whenever I couldn't fit into clothes or was disappointed. I squealed (literally!) when she brought me pretty dresses in 10's and 8's. And most recently I was doing some back to school shopping for my school/job I just started and I went into a store I'd never set foot in before. When I walked in my first question was "is this a petites store" because I'd honestly never been in. They spent over an hour dressing me and complimenting and complementing my body! I felt like Cinderella. Or like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman (not the store where they're mean lol).
Now when I think of all the things I've experienced since losing weight I sometimes get sad that it wasn't always this way. I wish I'd always felt this confidence. I'm sure long-time thin people take it for granted. So in a way, my curse may be a blessing. My previous experiences, unfortunate though they were, have allowed me to appreciate what I experience now. And I am SO thankful for that!
OMG Brownblonde! You pulled at my heart strings when you described pants and underwear rolling down! I think that is the #1 most annoying thing (besides my G cup bra size) about being a fat girl! I can't tell you how much $ I have invested in corsets and all kinds of expensive contraptions to keep the fat in! It's exhausting... Ok now I look good but I can't move! LOL! Thank you for trading stories with me! I'm really looking forward to feeling like Cinderella!
You guys on here really know how to make a girl feel better! Thank you!
You guys on here really know how to make a girl feel better! Thank you!
brownblonde, I love your post. When pre-ops or newly post-ops ask about missing food, or missing the ability to eat A LOT I have to wonder why they'd ever want to be able to do that. Look what life has to offer. There's more to life than food. A lot more. Very well said.
5'5" Age 63 HW 212 SW 200 Currently 8 pounds below goal
Jacque 
BrownBlonde....you are amazing. You put everything in to words so beautifully. Thank you so much for that reply.
I loved the point you made about skinny people taking it for granted, because they DO. One of the things I look forward to is NEVER judging an overweight person, no matter what. Because I KNOW how it is. Even once I'm skinny (!!!) I will never, ever, forget what its like...and I will never take the new feelings for granted.
To the original poster..I understand those feelings too. I still don't think I realize that I am actually 100 lbs overweight. I remember laying getting prepped for surgery last week and thinking WOW, how did you end up HERE just because of FOOD? Nobody else to blame...but myself.
I loved the point you made about skinny people taking it for granted, because they DO. One of the things I look forward to is NEVER judging an overweight person, no matter what. Because I KNOW how it is. Even once I'm skinny (!!!) I will never, ever, forget what its like...and I will never take the new feelings for granted.
To the original poster..I understand those feelings too. I still don't think I realize that I am actually 100 lbs overweight. I remember laying getting prepped for surgery last week and thinking WOW, how did you end up HERE just because of FOOD? Nobody else to blame...but myself.
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