Another "head thing?" I'm only happy when I'm losing?

What's up friends?

So as I approach goal, I 've noticed my weight loss is very, very stair stepped.  What I mean by that is 3 to 4 weeks go by and I lose NO weight, nothing.  Then, 3 to 4 weeks go by and I'll lose 8 to 12 pounds, quickly.  Since this has happened a few times, I know what to expect and i know my "loss" is just right around the corner (I haven't lost anything in the last 3 weeks). 

The problem I'm concerned about is that even though when I am not losing, (although my body is getting smaller), I am not happy and fall back into that awful body image person.  You know the one - you look in the mirror and all you can see are flaws.  I literally hate myself during these times of the scale not moving. I know I shouldn't be so critical of myself.  My body is toning up, I'm getting more definition, I'm healthy and hey, I'm looking pretty damn good, right?  Well then why do I feel so awful about myself???

Conversely, when the scale is moving downwards, I'm in a great mood, I feel fabulous about myself, my body image is the best it's ever been and I'm overall a happier person.  I currently have a normal BMI, wear a size 10 clothing and at 5' 10" that's pretty "fit." I "should" be happy where I'm at and any loss from here is just icing on the cake. Right??? But that's not what's happening here....

I'm concerned that I'm exchanging one negative behavior for another.  Eating issues with the need to feel "validated" only by dwindling numbers.  I'm concerned that even at goal I'll still feel the need for the numbers to go down because that makes me feel good and happy and sexy and more....

So I'm being really vulnerable here because I like to get in front of issues before they occur or before they get any worse.  Has anyone else experienced this and/or have any helpful words for me? 

I appreciate your feedback OH friends! 

Rebecca

I don't think it's uncommon - the loss has been our positive reinforcer and when we don't have it, we don't get that seratonin thing. Certain foods (they vary by person) used do that as well - we relied on them for comfort and actually got a physical seratonin rush when we ate them.

I do think it's good that you're recognizing this, as it could lead to disordered weight loss replacing your disordered eating of the past. Carried to the extreme (and I don't think you're in this category), that behavior becomes anorexia.

Do you have a therapist or someone you can talk to about things? These changes are hard on our brains! It's not just a matter of losing some weight, it's a matter of adjusting to a whole new way of being.

Hugs!

 Thanks as always VY for great advice.  You eluded to exactly what I'm afraid of - going so extreme on the other end of the spectrum.  When all of your gratification comes from losing, losing, losing, it's hard to change your head.

I do have a great therapist through my surgeon that I think I'm going to call and talk to her about all of this.  I'm certian I'm not the first person that's dealt with these problems.

Thanks so much. :)

 

(hugs)
I am a mess like that too!
My goal was 145 and today I hit 128. I am in the midst to my 10-12 "losing" days. Last week I shot up 5 pounds with my monthly cycle. It happens every month no matter what I eat. I have always been like that. I have to constantly talk to the former fat girl and let her know she is no longer welcome in my mind. I have to literally stand in the mirror, pinch myself,take a picture and measure my waist. It's like I think I will wake up fat again one day.

I am eating more to get my calories up so I can taper off the losing but then I get a rush when I lose a pound! I'm a confirmed nutcase I guess.

 Hey Girl,

it sounds like you and I BOTH need some head work, huh, lol?  This IS hard.  We all of a sudden put all of our worth into losing, losing, losing and then when you don't lose, then what? How do you REALLY start to get comfortable with your own skin.  

You are not a nutcase, just another person who has had to deal with the mental CRAP of obesity, but at least we are resolving the physical part of the disease, now we just gotta get our heads right, Lord help us!  :)

 I forgot who said it but someone on the board said that not only have we damaged our body with food, we have damaged our mind too.  I've lost nearly 100lbs but I still can't look at my reflection and smile at what I see.  I still see fat.  
I feel like I am becoming more critical of my body as the smaller I get (floppy stomach & thights, bat wing arms, tube sock boobs or "Toobs" etc..)  I am more self concious that I can't hide in my fat anymore.  Being naked in front of someone is very scary for me now.  

I do believe that we are all our own worst enemy. We are the most critical of ourselves.  I see someone who is stressing over what I think looks totally great to me.  I think it's time to focus on self love.  Perhaps pick up some books on learning to love yourself or do a google search on it.  I've learned that you can't depend on anyone but yourself to make you happy although I still find myself searching and searching for other people to validate me and make me happy.  I need to take my own advice and learn to love myself and appreciate how far I have come in this journey.  

You are beautiful and what you have achieved is AMAZING!   

 Jessica,

Thanks for your sweet response. I do the same thing. Pick apart every little part if myself instead of celebrating the accomplishments and all the things I do like. And you are so right, we are much more critical of ourselves versus others.

You are so kind and your words of encouragement mean so much. However, YOU are beautiful and YOU have accomplished so much too. 

Hi girl,
Think what you're going through is normal. I can get pissy, too, when I'm in my stall cycle. That's why I monitor body fat %, as well. It helps.

I'm sort of worried about maintaining motivation once I'm at goal. Losing has been so gratifying. What's going to keep that motivation going to stay on the path? I'm working on creating non WL goals for maintenance. It's not easy.

I think that it takes our minds a lot longer to catch up with our bodies - meaning I don't think we really see what we look like yet. I know I am having trouble. Just the other day I caught my reflection in a store window and didn't recognize myself. When I realized it was indeed me that I was seeing I had a Wow! moment. It was sort of like, "Damn, that's what I look like? Nice...." Yet, later that day all I could see before bed was that I still have a tiny bit of a belly and back fat. Hmmmm.....

You're not alone. Big hugs, Sister!

 When am I going to be able to hug your neck you sweet man? You have been such a great friend and inspiration throughout this process. I'll never forget praying for you before your surgery and then we'd check on each other right after. 

Its really important to look for goals outside of the numbers. This is for certian. Why is it so easy to KNOW the right thing to do but DOING the right thing is so much harder? It's like instead of celebrating our successes we beat ourselves up for a silly number. I was thinking how great I looked in this backless dress the other day and had a similar reaction...if only my back was more fit, I need more definition, should be lifting more weights, etc. good Lord you'd think I would've learned by now to give myself a break. Alas, everything takes times to equal progress, right?

You are doing so great, I'm so proud of you!

My surgeon's PA said that when the scale is going down, you usually do not lose inches, but when you lose inches, the scale does not go down. So, to prevent the roller coaster of weighing in every day or even every week during my weight loss time of life, I am only weighing in at my surgeon's office, at my appointments or when I stop in every few weeks. My emotions cannot handle a daily up or down, depending on how gravity is pulling down on me. It is natural for us all to feel happier when losing and a little down when the scale stays the same or goes up. Bu****er weight can fluctuate tons during the month or with what you eat, on a daily basis. Try and weigh in less. I know once we are on maintenance, it may be more helpful to weigh in daily, but if you are doing what you have been told works, the weight will come off steadily. Watching the scale daily has always been a more negative thing for me than for others. Some thrive on it, but it can really depress me. So instead, I keep a blessings count. Each day I find things I am grateful and thankful for during this journey. A blessings list might help, if you do not do one already.