Husbands, Spouses need advice

The day before Thanksgiving 1989 I had 90% of my left breast and most of the lymph nodes under my arm removed because of cancer. After a year of Chemotherapy , radiation and 7 surgeries, the following Christmas I had a routine liver scan which came back with "suspicious spots" and we had to wait a week to find out that it was just a "shadow on an Xray". The following Christmas I was called back with a suspicious lump on what was left of my left breast that the doctors said was much larger than what they saw the year before (unknown to me). Surgery revealed that it was a stitch from the original surgery that didn't dissolve properly. Since then I have had breast reconstruction and a spinal fusion. During all of my surgeries my husband stressed out like crazy. Although it has been many, many years since the cancer and I have been cancer free all this time, he still hates doctors, hospitals and can't sleep through the night (habit formed from worry). That brings me to my current issue. When I decided on my sleeve it was a quick decision on my part and I scheduled it and did it within a month. He had a fit and I had to fight him like crazy. Finally he went and talked to my surgeon and then agreed with me that It would be good for me. However, I wouldn't let him take me to the hospital or be there during my surgery.  I know that it was a stressful day for him and that made it even more difficult for me.  Now I want to have plastic surgery (tummy tuck). He is FREAKING OUT. We had the worst argument in our lives (42 years together). He thinks I am being vain and maybe that's true but I finally am where I am happy with how I look and I want a flat tummy. I am super healthy and have done tons of research. I also can afford it myself. Trouble is, I need to have it done now because this is the only time I can take off work. Another surgery during the holidays. I don't know whether I should just forget it and live with myself the way I am and don't cause him any more grief or go ahead anyway and just do it. I could wait until next year but I don't want to do that either. I am really torn. If any of you know what it's like to be the one in the waiting room, any advice would be really appreciated. By the way, he has never been sick or had surgery. 

Oh boy! I understand both sides. I have been in your shoes and his. I am not a worrier the way he is, so I can't offer advice on what he can do. Ron was very worried like your husband. He prayed a lot. That helped him. Then during my VSG he decided that staying in the waiting room was just too much for him so he went for a walk and then got a Starbucks. So he did miss my doc coming out and saying all was welI and the surgery went well. But that's what worked for him. I know he was a wreck, but he was strong for me until I walked into the surgery suite. 

Now I also know how important this is to you. I think you should go ahead and do this. Keep talking to your husband. Get your daughters involved, if you think that will help him and support your cause. I believe you need to do this. It will be the cherry on the parfait of your physical journey, the icing on the cake, the finishing touch. You know that you will never be "perfect" and that's not what you're going for either. You want to feel good about yourself and that tummy of loose skin hinders those feelings. Vain or not, the loose skin has an effect on how you view yourself and how you feel in your clothes.

You are healthier than you have been in years since you have lost weight and have become so active. Sit down again (and again and again if need be) and tell him how much you love him and how important this is to you. It's not about being too vain or being selfish, but it's not about him either.

Bless you, my friend. I wish you resolution to this issue and a wonderful Christmas and a successful surgery.

Thank you so much. I have involved my daughters. Unfortunately, one is all for it and one is totally against it. That is so typical of them. The one that is against it is the one with the medical training and background and she thinks I am being crazy. I discussed it with her and she is now more open to it but it's really hard to bring up the topic again with Steve. I hate ruining his Christmas with this but I just know that once we get into spring I won't be able to take any time off of work.  It also is freaking me out a little. What if something does go wrong? I have never heard of anyone dying from a tummy tuck but I'm sure it could happen. 

Yeah, I see both sides, too. 

Maybe you've explained this to him, maybe not, but you hubby doesn't get what it's like to live in your body. No one really gets it, but you. You've lived with ugly scars that you had no control over. You lived through radiation and probably chemo. You gained weight because of all of it and there wasn't a damn thing you could do about the weight gain. You felt ugly, but worse than ugly--like the Elephant Man. Fast forward to now. You finally feel good and yet again your body doesn't reflect what you feel which just ******g sucks. For once in your life you want to SEE what you feel. 

None of that helps you get him through the "waiting room" period. But, maybe him seeing that he's giving you a very special gift by being there for you would be a good thing.

I'd go ahead with surgery. Part of being a good life mate is sticking by your spouse even when you don't know why the hell you're sticking by your spouse. That is what your hubby needs to do - stick by you through this - even if he doesn't understand why. 

Thanks for that reply. I appreciate your insight. You are so correct in what you say. I have gone through a lot and if having my tummy tuck is selfish than I think I deserve to be selfish. I just need to make him understand how much it means to me and know that he will have to worry during another surgery but that I will come through it. 

Lisa, you are a beautiful woman. And I know this loose skin bothers you and I TOTALLY get it. It's not vanity, it's bringing the body's appearance a bit more in line with all the hard work you've done to make yourself so much healthier, slimmer, fitter, etc. You STILL won't love everything (and I know this from personal experience!) but getting rid of that loose stomach skin will definitely help. Yes, there is a TINY surgical risk but, really, it's so worth it. Who did you decide on? Dr. M? I know it's hard on your husband. I remember when I had the vsg--my (at the time) teenaged daughter absolutely FREAKED. All I could do was patiently tell her (over and over) how low the risk was and how great the potential benefits were. Now, 6 years later, you would think she invented the surgery. My husband is probably going to have pretty major brain surgery in a few months for his Parkinson's, and yes, I'm scared. But I'm also scared every time he goes camping in the snow or is late getting home or whatever. I do think you should go ahead with it. I'm so sorry it's causing stress...and I'm also happy for you. We should get coffee sometime!

Lizanne

I chose Dr. Ay**** in Walnut Creek. He is so nice and I even took my husband with me for the consultation. I thought that he would agree with me about how safe it is and that I am healthy enough etc. but it didn't work. He just gets mad when I bring up the subject. I know that if I keep nagging that he will eventually give in but I need to know if this is a battle I need to win. Every time I think that I will just let it go I get resentful and then start the conversation all over again. 

I think that if you get resentful that's a big sign that this is something you really want to do. You don't want this to drive a wedge between the two of you. I know it is hard, but try to just have a talk about it - no arguing - and explain your side in a way that he can understand. Explain it's not vanity, I think it's more of a confidence thing, you feel good, and want to feel that confidence through and through. Good luck to you, I'm sure it's tough, but you guys have overcome so many obstacles already, you'll get through this one too.  

Also, I am so sorry about your husband. Maybe you can go to the Walnut Creek group on the 20th and we can get together before. If not, coffee anytime sounds great. 

The 20th may work--I NEED to get in the habit of checking when the meetings are, and I haven't been for a while...I will text you early next week...

Lizanne