Not sure where I belong....and confused, and sad

I found some old pictures of myself this week.  I dont recognize me.  Though I never thought I was as big as I was anyway. (denial..lol).,  When I look at myself now, I dont recognize me either.  Its kinda freaking me out alittle.  I dont know where I belong.  I feel like I dont know who I am supposed to be now.  I have, for a long time anyway, been the fun fat girl.  Always joking about my weight before anyone else did.  Now I am "normal" in societies eyes, but I dont know this girl.  My usual "jokes" dont apply anymore.  People treat me different.  I hate that!!  And it is making me sad. People are telling me I am getting to skinny.  I still want to lose abot 10 lbs for bounce back, but if I dont lose another pound, I can live with that.  I have more energy than ever.  I feel good.  I may look like a sharpai, but hey, I earned this extra skin and I am trying to wear it proudly, abeit covered!  People who I have known almost my whole life, who I have not seen recently, dont recognize me.  That freaks me out some, but I understand, because I dont recognize me either.  I dont know who I am supposed to be.  I am 52 years old.  I am in the best shape I have been in in over 30 years.  Why am I so sad??  I dont know how to be this weight, this new person.  Its harder than being overweight.  I didnt put much thought into that when I was heavier.  I dont regret the surgery, just trying to get a handle on how to get past the sadness and into my new body.  It will be a year in a few months, and I feel like I have changed SO much, yet not at all.  I know I am not making much sense, I just think I needed to get this out there to try and make sense out of it.  Am I crazy??  maybe....I have lost literally 1/2 of my total body weight..  I am trying to stay postitive, but some days its so hard.  I miss the old me, and I dont know who the new me is.  Sorry for the long post...I was hoping maybe somebody that had gone through this before could give me some advice as to how long this lasts. Or if this is even normal.  Just sad today...maybe its my menopausal hormones.  (ya, official in menopause at the same time!  yea for me!! lol...)  For those of you who actually read this whole thing, thank you!  sorry for the long rant...                I love your guys.                                              Joan

nope your not crazy....that was funny about the sharpai lol..anyway I really don't have any good advice other than to say I think it takes a little bit for our "heads" to wrap around our new image..I know I still can't see myself clearly..I think we really need to look at what we can do now that we couldn't do before..for example I can go up and down the stairs to do laundry without getting out of breath...I just realized that today! Try to think of the little things that make your life better now and focus on that..

I can relate to so much of what you are saying and I haven't lost as much as you yet.

Today I caught a glimpse of my forearm and thought...who's thin arm is this?  

I don't have any advice for you but I know that If I could hear my body talking it might say...

Thank you, thank you, thank you for having the surgery.  My painfree joints would thank me.  My painfree  knees would thank me, my normal blood sugar would thank me, my much smaller apron (belly) would thank me.  and so on....

Finding or accepting my new "normal" is a journey and I have more time to figure it out because I am now younger and healthier.  For that I am super thankful 

Hormones.  I think at least part of what you are dealing with is hormones.  Then add the surgery to it and you have a mess.

I have certainly had some pity parties lately with my knee.  I didn't lose all this weight to then have issues which keep me from doing the things I want to do.  I think we expect, to some extent, that the weight loss is going to change everything for the better and fix our lives. Then, although we are different and a lot is fixed, some is new and still hard.  And somethings that were covered up by the fat, are now out there shining. 

Many ladies, and men go through mid life crisis kind of stuff with who am I, what is my goal, etc.  If it is really driving you crazy, get someone to talk to.  You have come so far and are doing great, you just need to accept it.

(((((((())))))))))      Kudos brave beautiful  Joan  .

I think you're very  courageous  for  talking about  the OBVIOUS elephant in the living room   that  somehow I get the sense many of us feel we're not entitled  to feel confusion about ... 

I know  I feel like you WANTED this so long .. be grateful gosh darn it ....  and I AM I AM  .. BUT  .. Im also very confused ..because I too have  lost my bearings .

I know I  dont belong in the all  - you can- eat buffet-anymore .  I dont even WANT to go there .. it makes me SICK .     Most of my friends are .. at bottom ...  eating buddies .  or commiserating buddies , kvetching buddies.  

We have so little in common now ! 

I know I HAVE To go out and find a more appropriate  social circle and way of life or else I will backslide into my old food-centric ways .  But its very  hard because i dont have the self confidence .  In a lot of senses I feel like a  15  year old wall flower except im not 15 anymore ...  and  dating isnt  really  what i want either ...  its something ELSE .  

I had a chance to go to the Tonys  but i didn't go because i realized  my date  was thinking  about it like a date  and it freaked me out ... this is very  brave new world to me ..

I think  I just have to do the thing actresses  have always turned to when they feel like      

Get a great new look .... get  a  meaningful "  renovation " ( whether that means an exercise program or PS or both )  just give myself HOPE  .   Nothing like feeling BEAUTIFUL to get over the hump  of shyness  and feeling stuck ...   

In a sense I think we're like teenage grrls .... just beginning to feel our own power  .. and  needing to test those waters safely and gradually  .  

As  far as the "sharpei skin "  and the "  ageism "   goes ... take it from me  Ull ALWAYS  have an excuse no to live the life U want ... U can be the most PERFECT , the most GORGEOUS  woman in the world  and then Ur problem might be anxiety about   guys following U HOME lol , guys ( and even women )  getting in Ur face  everywhere U go and demanding attention and Ur phone number ..not being able to stop  people pleasing ...  not being perfect ENOUGH  ... ( cause noones ever ENOUGH )  .  

One  thing I'm really realizing is EVERY DAY  is a GIFT  .

What we do with TODAY  determines our lives .

Am i going to make excuses for not living and not trying  or am I going to  screw my courage up and get out there  safely and self- respectingly ?  What kind of legacy am I leaving behind  ? 

Joan,

I totally understand whaqt you are saying in your post!  I feel exactly the same as I did 80 pounds ago.  Even when I look at pictures...my brain just can't catch up. 

I still find myself refering to myself as a "fat" girl....but I'll always have a FAT BRAIN I guess.  I don't have the sadness you mentioned (I'm thinking Price is right---probably hormones).  I actually have been deliriously happy this summer....really enjoying buying clothes, wearing sleeveless, etc.  I even like wearing a bathing suit (believe me, it's NOT pretty....but I'm not the biggest one at the pool in the morning.)

Slowly, but surely---I am starting to just feel NORMAL!.....and normal is pretty darn awesome!

Hang in there...

 My two cents....maybe hormones like someone else mentioned...peri or meno....our hormones do affect our moods big time...also compulsive overeating masks a ton of emotions....for so many years if you use food to comfort and avoid uncomfortable things now you may be being bombarded...
you may be a bit depressed which is causing you to worry and be sad about your body ...rather than your new body being the cause of your depression....just some thoughts...also longing for your old self can be a trigger to begin to eat poorly again....I know this because I've been there....I sometimes long for the days when I would lie on the couch most of the day and eat  and sleep and not think about anything...oblivion...but for me that's like a drug and I'm an addict...so all the things that go along with "using" food have to go...It's my head and my addiction calling me...I have to find new activities that give me comfort and the feeling of escape from my stuff....anyhow this is turning into a ramble...best wishes and hold onto what you have...it's your health and it's yours....don't let anyone try to take it away from you or make you feel poorly about it...people think because we're thin they can comment on our bodies and criticize...when we were fat they thought these thoughts but did not speak them...now they speak them and it is a way of trying to sabotage...if your depression worsens consider speaking with your doctor to see if there is anything you can take for it...take good care...we are here for you...SEAVIEW

I'm sorry you feel this way. (((HUGS))) 

I'm going to be 58 soon and I never had problems with depression before WLS so I was really shocked after surgery when it hit me.  At 2.5 years out I still get it but it isn't as bad as it was at the beginning.  I had a hysterectomy so I don't have periods anymore but the depression seems to hit at the same time each month, along with being hungry, tired, and moody.

It might seem like it you have been doing this a long time but you are still a newbie in my eyes.  It takes awhile for our bodies and our thoughts and ideas to adjust.  If you are that sad maybe you need to look into getting some professional help just to get you through this adjustment period. 

thanks everyone!  I am sure alot has to do with hormones...dang things!  I appreciate all the feedback I got from everyone, I knew you would understand.  I am leaving for vacation on Sunday and I am determined to have a great time doing all the things I never did because I was to fat, or tired, or embarassed.  Love you guys...                        Joan