Battling demons from the past

 Does anyone still battle old demons from the past?

I am surprised to find myself feeling like my old defeated self with the recent weight gain I have experienced. I feel transported right back to that 230 pound woman who was so sad. I found myself back up to 152 pounds last week, I never thought I would let myself see that number again.

I have been meditating and realizing that my negative thinking was getting out of control along with my grazing through out the recent weeks. 21 pounds above my lowest weight, never made it to 120 that was my personal goal. Why do I feel like a failure, why do I feel like losing 21 pounds is equally daunting as the beginning of my journey? I dont know, but I know that logically it just doesnt make sense. I also realize that the honeymoon is over and now I need to navigate life in maintenance mode.

So last week I decided to get back on track, yes my tool is still working, but my brain is still lagging behind. Down to 147 this week.  I know that I need to stay accountable and in touch with you guys. I also need to keep reminding myself to be grateful for all the things I have been blessed with.
An attitude of gratitude can change my whole outlook on things.

I guess I just needed to get my demon out into the light.

~Maria

Maria, we all have our demons, so we can definitely relate.  Hang in here with us, babeeee!

--gina

I can relate to that Maria.  I was a stress eater prior to surgery and find myself doing that again.  I loved to eat out and have caught myself doing that more and more often.  Just when you think you have conquered some of these things - they pop right back up.

We are here for you.  I know that staying connected here helps me.  We can all do this together.

Linda

Yes! Hang in there. I am now frequently finding myself remembering past annoyances of when I was very small in size. I gained all my weight after 38 years old. When I was a teen, I was ridiculed frequently by my father for my weight (I was 115-120 & 5' 4" tall) and even called names. When I visited for Christmas when I was about 28 years old, my parents bought me a size 13 winter jacket because I really needed one. I saw it in the box and knew immediately it was way too big (I was a size 8-9 at that time with maybe a 10 lb gain since I was a teen). My parents both stood there disagreeing with me and egging me to "just put it on" as if I was the one that needed to be convinced. I put it on and the sleeves hung down past my fingers and I looked like a dwarf in it. They stood there stupefied and had the gall to say that maybe the coat was not manufactured properly. My mother even examined the coat with a critical eye looking for what made it wrong because they know that I was a size 13. It didn't matter what I told them I was. They were the experts. I don't mean to ramble but what I'm getting at is that right now I have been picking up "cues" from my current life that are bringing unpleasant feelings. I've been crying and moping around but the more I search for where the feelings are coming from, it seems as if there is an unpleasant memory from the past to go along with the feeling. It's Christmas time, my father lives over just one street away, I needed a new coat and had to buy one online (our car doesn't work & I didn't have a car when I was 28) and when it came it was too large and had to be exchanged, my weight is down and I'm in a size 12-14 right now which is the size my parents were positive I was when I was really a much smaller petite young woman. Ugh! 

Last night I put up some pretty window decorations and lights and it really helped with my mood. Maybe negative thinking is buried in our brain with little neurons around it that like to fire up when there are reminders from our current life that help "activate" those negative and sad thoughts. Like you said, getting it out in the light helps to expose it for what it is.

I am so sorry you went through that.  I had a mother that constantly criticized me for my weight, too.  She would talk about her friends daughters who were thin and pretty.  I was an embarrassment to her and proof she was a bad mother.

Now I have 3 daughters and I never say a word about their weight.  My oldest is a little chubby but she has had 3 babies.  The middle one is very slim and very conceited about her looks.  She made a statement on Facebook once to the effect that if she ever let herself get fat someone should kill her.  My youngest is like me, a compulsive overeater.  She is 17 and pushing 200 lbs.  She is pretty comfortable with her size and she gets a lot of positive feedback from her peers about how pretty she is and how nice her curves are.  She would like to lose weight but doesn't want to stop eating what she wants.  Don't we all?

Oh yes.  I never considered myself a stress eater but I am now.  I have had a ton of stress, from all sides lately and I want to eat and want to eat carbs.  I have been trying to get out and do something with Poppy everyday to help.  I have walked some but not everyday.  I still can't do muscle pump or zumba because of my cataract surgeries but that will be past soon enough.  I know I do better when I get regular exercise although sometimes trying to find the time seems like just another stress.

Stay in touch.  I really do think that helps.  As much as it hurt to post my weight last Sunday, I did it.  I didn't have as good a loss as you did this week but at least I was down not up.  I do think coming here everyday is good therapy for me. 

For some of us this is going to be a life long struggle.  I still want to use food inappropriately at times and continue to try to learn healthier ways in managing my emotions.   You can do this....you can lose some of the re-gain but more importantly than the weight is REALLY taking care of yourself and your health.  I know that regain is looked at so negatively.....BUT truly remember where would you be with out WLS....not in the 150s but probably in the 250s.  This is NOT a failure....just time to re-engage and remember to self love and not self hate.   We are here and this is also why the support is here...to not just celebrate the weight loss but support one another in taking care of ourselves long term and to learn and be honest when we struggle.

Grab that dog and walk you go....

Blessings....

~~Jennifer

Darn, I just did this and it disappeared.

Yes, we still have demons.  I never thought I was a stress eater and maybe I didn't use to be, but I am now.  I have been under a ton of stress from every directions and I not only want to eat, I want carbs, specifically sweets and bread.  I know it will pass but without the ability to do zumba and muscle pump, I know it will take a while.  In the meanwhile, I am walking and doing stuff with Poppy so at least I am getting positive breaks. 

I hated posting last weeks weight but knew I had to be accountable.  I didn't have as good a loss as you did but we both were accountable and it was positive in the long run.  Stay around.  I think that is one of the best things I do for me.

Thanks guys, it is nice to know that I am not alone.

This is definitely a journey that you needs some good friends to share with.

~Maria

Hey Maria...aren't these people GREAT!!!  I am still pre-op but living the WLS life already...I too was feeling the weight of demons...I made myself stick to the plan and get in my exercise...and it really did help...but reading all the encouragement here helped even more.  I will always be thankful for these posts.

Lucy