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Feeling absolutely GREAT!...It really feels like yesterday that I was a different person!...I'm not sure why but I know I've lost the weight and I buy smaller clothes but I still go trotting off to the plus size stores and I walk around for hours and find absolutely nothing that fits! I really could stomach getting rid of the big clothes, but my shoes are now too big...tell me it isn't so!!! I've worked hard to get my 200 pair closet just the way I want it and they DON'T FIT!!!!...WTH?!!!...this I didn't aske for!!!...never the less I am going to embrace it for what it is...CHANGE!!!! and I love the new me!!!...smaller feet and all!!!

Okay, so life in the thin lane has given me a chance to really get going! I am always on the go and I am loving it!...I am still unemployed, but life has a way of working things out when we least expect it.  I am retired so a little income is better than nothing.  I am still looking but naturally I keep hearing about the jobs and no one is calling me back so I am going to cool my heels until the beginning of the year.  I purposely walk the malls and just enjoy trying on all the clothes that I wouldn't have been able to get my finger in 6 months ago, I park my car on the opposite side of the mall of the stores that I want to browse in and it is great to not sweat from just going up an escalator, because these days I am taking the stairs!  I am officially out of the X's...that is XL, XXL, XXXL. I have lost 106lbs since I started this journey and I am ecstatic!!!  I can shop ANYWHERE I want to and it doesn't have to be Woman's and that really feels great!  I can actually wear boots!  No extra wide, no having to have anything added to the calves, just out the store and on my feet, now if that isn't enough to make want to scream I don't know what will!  I almost wore them to bed I was so happy!  I don't stress over food  and it really has been smooth sailing for me lately.  Things will be what they will be, the weather has gotten cold and I am really not motivated to layer on to go to the gym so I stay in my house in my shorts and do yoga tapes and I don't care how stupid I look or how uncoordinated  I am, it's just me and the dog.  My husband and my mom love going out to eat with me because they know after I get my two tablespoons of whatever they can have at it and they don't have to decide what they want to eat, because they know it will be healthy...chicken or fish and more fun is I enjoy the company. THANK GOD I MADE IT THROUGH A HOUSE FULL OF PEOPLE FOR THANKSGIVING!!! I did the cooking and it was an absolute blast.  Everything turned out great (with the exception of the sweet potato pie...my son said it tasted funny...(well that was the splenda that I substituted instead of my usual sugar!), he ate it none the less !  As far as all the other food, I asked everyone who asked to bring a desert and we just did a swap at the end and everyone was happy, they got a different desert than what they brought and I was happy because all the temptation went home at the end of the night! 

I am still not committed to the protein like I should have been and I am paying for it!, my hair is shedding something awful, but I was warned and I didn't listen!...I got to relaxed with the protein and the vitaminsbut I can't blame anyone but myself!...I wouldn't change this entire experience for the world...all the yo yo dieting is over!...I do not watch the scale (that was making me crazy) and I feel great! So all in all...life is good!  I am ready for the new year!

Okay so Labor Day is over...and I am thrilled!  Why, you might ask?...Labor Day is my first holiday post-op...for me there was anxiety because of all the food I knew I would not be able to eat.  Yes, I already know that I should not think about food, and it should not have that much power over me, but this is a reality for me.  My family went to PA for the holiday weekend to celebrate my husbands moms 80th Birthday, now keep in mind PA has the best cheesesteaks, pretzels, pizza and gelati's (italian ice with ice cream)!  The initial shock was absolute torture!  Everywhere I went it literally seemed like I was being tormented with foods that I couldn't have.  I tried as best I could not to make a big deal out of it on the outside to bring attention to myself, but inside I was screaming!!!  I am home now and all the foods are just a distant memory now!...My sons and husband indulged like I thought they would (I'm just jealous) and I on the other hand had sugar free ice, baked turkey and a soft scrambled egg ...yes I was furious, but every time I felt like I was being left out, I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror at the new face that I am starting to see, and most of all at the size 18 dress I was wearing!....One month ago I was wearing a size 24/26 and I have to say I smiled and kept it moving!  We did a lot of site seeing this trip and it felt great to be able to walk with everyone else!...Did I miss the food...HELL YES!!!, but would it have been okay to fall into the "food trap"?...ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!  I'm not sure if I will ever get to the point where I am not nervous about being around the bar-b-que ribs, the potato salad, the cakes and pies...but I really felt like I won!....I kicked all those foods in their hinny!!!  It didn't hit me until I got back home that this really is a LIFE journey...I will have to take this one day at a time, I will focus on the foods that I can have and not the foods that I can't!....I am still not sure what to eat but as I become a veteran at this WLS...I am going to do everything in my power to find healthy foods that will make me happy!...or at least feel like I can be around everyone no matter what they are eating I will concentrate on me!....Thanksgiving is the next big one, and I am ready for it!...I do not want to give food the power over my life anymore...when and how will I finally take "total control" over food?

 Well, I think I got my wish...all the complaining about liquids and now that I can actually have food, I can't eat!!!...It seems like it's virtually impossible for me finish my protein shakes, vitamins, and food in a 24 hour period.  My liquid intake is about a sip every hour, and we are not supposed to eat and drink at the same time...I'm stuck on soup...at least I am still able to get all the liquids down without waiting 30 minutes between.  I am still feeling tired just to get the basic housework done.  The "BESTEST" part of all of my complaining is that my husband keeps saying my face is changing...I STILL DON'T SEE IT!!!...I have so many big clothes in my closet that I think my clothes still fit the same as they always have, I still don't see what he is seeing.  I am tempted to go to the store just to try on some clothes, but I do not want to be at this size so I think it would be a waste to buy clothes when I have bigger plans for this body.

What I will say irritates me (as if I haven't been doing that already ), now my husband feels as though he can  tell me about how big I was before and how much food I used to eat, and how miserable I was...Okay, is this a compliment? or is he actually slamming me and I don't know it?...Either way, I don't want to be reminded of how I used to be...that me is GONE!!...I buried her on Aug 2!...my stomach doesn't feel like a bottomless pit and I don't feel like I am starving myself but I do feel afraid to eat...I haven't had any dumping and I would like to keep it that way.  When can I relax about eating...there seems to be so much stress about food that I just wish I could live on liquids!...I know that is not what I wished for a week ago!

Well, I got my wish...now I don't know what to do with it!!!!...What can I eat?....

Today was the first day that I put something in my mouth that wasn't a liquid.  I had 1/4 cup of refried beans and a soft scrambled egg, now last night when I was reading my 3rd phase menu plan, I can remember thinking, I see why so many people have lost weight...we are all starving ourselves to death!...WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!...When I prepared my breakfast this morning I kept thinking, I am still going to be hungry!  So when I sat down to eat,  to my surprise I couldn't finish half of the food on my plate, I am stuffed!  Then it hit me I remember how I used to pile tons of food on my plate "to get my money's worth" and go back for seconds, and sometimes thirds, if the mood hit me!  I am disgusted with myself!  Did I really need all of that food?  No!  And I can remember that before my surgery I was just afraid that I wouldn't be able to live on the small amounts of food that I was reading about.  The reality...I CAN'T eat like I used to and it really feels great.  This little reality check made me think of all the times I said to my husband, "let's not eat there because we never get enough food"...those were probably the places I should have been eating and I wouldn't have had to have WLS.  This is such a life changing event for me and I am going to take every opportunity to consciously look at EVERYTHING that goes into this body.  I know it's a small thing but it really made me feel like I was in control for once.  I didn't get up from the table barely able to breathe because I was overstuffed!  I go back to my doctor tomorrow for my first follow up...I am actually excited and looking forward to getting on the scale (now that is a real first, that used to be the worst thing about going to the doctor ;-)...but that was the old me :-).

Was this an Ah Ha moment or do I need to get out the house more ;-) Lol?

I am already falling a little behind with my posts (second day of school for my 6 year old) and needless to say it still feels like ground hog's day to me! :-), so the fact that he had to get off to the bus and our daily routine was different it felt good.  Also, this liquid portion of this process really sucks!, but I am happy to say today is my first day of "cloudy liquids" and I get to start taking my protein and vitamins today!!!...Truly I need the energy, I am tired of walking around like a zomby.  The discomfort that I was experiencing is going away, but when I "walk around the house" I still breathe like I've run a marathon.  I will also say that I kept reading from so many other blogs that "they weren't hungry" or they "didn't want to eat"....I don't think my brain got that message!...My family still needed to eat although I wasn't wasn't eating and to add to the stress, my older son came home from college and he is a human garbage disposal and eats ANYTHING that isn't nailed down (and naturally he doesn't gain an ounce!...can you imagine? ;-)...he plays basketball at college and they actually have him on a weight gain program at school).  They were ordering pizza and Chinese food and the Jamaican food (all of my favorites) and all I could have was sip juice and popcicles ;-(....I think that that is the hardest time for me so far is at meal times, now don't get me wrong the I really only think about food when I see someone else eating it or I can smell it...either way it's hard.  The reality of my food addiction became very clear to me over these past few days...

My birthday was Friday and I kept getting phone calls from my friends and family wanting to know where were we going to eat, or I don't know what to get you since you can't eat anything...ARE YOU KIDDING ME?...I love shoes, clothes, purses...every store in Atlanta has gift certificates! :-), needless to say I it truly was the worst birthday that I can remember!...my husband is really trying to be as supportive as he knows how, but since he doesn't cook, and couldn't tell you how to turn on the stove or even where the pots are, he has been doing his best with subway and other take out places, which in turn makes me feel guilty.  Do any of you have this issue?...what do you cook for you family and do you still crave all the bad stuff?

Tomorrow is the big day!!! I have my surgery and I am scared to death!...I can't sleep and I am starving!!! It has been two days on the liquid diet and I must say even though I have been running around trying to get the last minute things for my now six year old to start school, it has been horrible for me today, everything in me wanted to just stop at Burger King or McDonalds and get a "quick bite" and then I had to go to the mall and walk past the food court...THIS WAS TORTURE!!!  I am so nervous that I am about to jump out of my skin.  My husband is trying to keep me calm, but I have been so cranky (mad at him for getting and eating Chinese Food that I couldn't have), I hope this has been the ultimate test because I am going nuts and 7:00 in the morning won't get here soon enough.  Well, I guess I should try to go to sleep, maybe I will just go and watch a movie and when I wake up I am sure that it will be time to head to the hospital.  I haven't told anyone except my husband and my best friend about the surgery so I hope everything goes well!...I haven't spoken to my dad in a while...I miss him, but I guess pride won't let me call him!