future former fat chick

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April 5, 2005

I don't believe it.  I just don't believe it.  At my appointment last Friday (4/1) with my PCP, I weighed in at 292!!  That's a ten-pound difference in a week between my weight at the lung doc's and my weight at my PCP – and they both use the “slide scale”.  Someone's scale is definitely off, and I'd love to think it was the scale that showed my weight to be 302. I just hope it's somewhere in the middle – maybe around 295.  My next meeting with the nutritionist is on 4/15 and I would love to weigh in at closer to 290.  God knows I am trying really, really hard - exercising five to six times per week and watching everything that I eat.  I still have the goal of going into surgery at 283.  If I could do it, my pre-op weight loss would be 20 pounds.  That's 20 pounds less weight I have to lose when I get to the other side and 20 pounds closer I can get to my ultimate goal of 125.  We'll see.

March 31, 2005

I had my PFT, ABG and pulmonary consultation on 3/24.  It went very well and I received a good report.  I am happy about that. 

The depressing part was that when I was weighed, my weight was 302.  I totally don't understand it.  Four days earlier, I weighed in at 299 at the nutritionist's office.  She had a digital tanita scale, but the pulmonary doctor had one of those slide scales, which I think are more accurate.  I was hoping to be down another pound or so because I've been doing the Atkins shakes and exercising every night.  I'm hungry almost all the time and I'm not eating any snacks or junk food at all.  But, noooooo, I had to be up a couple of pounds.  It's probably one of three things, (1) water weight gain (although my period is not due for a couple of weeks), (2) I was never down to 299 because the digital scale was incorrect, or (3) I actually gained 3 pounds in four days.  This is really, really discouraging.  All I can say is thank God for this surgery. Here, I am fighting tooth and nail to try to lose ten stupid pounds, but I can't even fathom having to lose 170 pounds by traditional means.

Anyways, I have another pre-op appointment tomorrow (4/1), so I'll be very interested in seeing how much I weigh.  I've been eating very sensibly - low carb, low fat, high protein, no snacks, no candy, no junk food, and no fast food.  Plus, I have done a 30-minute exercise tape every single night.  If I haven't lost any weight, I'll be ready to jump out of a window.  Not literally, but you know what I mean! (smile).

March 21, 2005

I went to see the nutritionist last Friday (3/18) and I weighed in at 299!  I'm so glad to be out of the 300's, and I am determined that I'm never going back.  She told me to begin replacing one meal per day with a protein shake, so I bought some of the Atkins’ Advantage shakes in vanilla and chocolate.  They are surprisingly tasty; I was convinced that I would hate them, but they're not bad at all - thank goodness.  So, I'm doing a shake for breakfast, my standard chicken soup or a lean cuisine for lunch and something sensible for dinner.  She also told me no more eating after dinner.  If I want a snack, I'll have to have one in the afternoon. 

I also have to start working out again.  I have lots of exercise videos, including several videos especially geared toward people who aren't used to exercising.  So I'll have to dust them off and start using them.

I had all the blood work done last week, and I have more pre-op testing coming up this week, ABG's, PFT, and pulmonary consult on Wednesday.  After that, I don't have any more tests until 4/1.

I'm struggling to decide how many people I want to tell about the surgery.  I'm not planning to tell anyone here at work.  Luckily, I work for the gov't and I am not required to disclose private medical information to my immediate supervisor.  If the folks in personnel need some sort of documents in order to approve my leave, then that is fine.  But, I just don't want to become "the talk of the office" as this place is such a rumor mill.  Some people are very ignorant about the procedure and about people's reasons for pursuing it.  I just don't want to have to get into that discussion with anyone at work.  Right now, I'm leaning toward just telling my immediate family.  As for my friends, I think I will wait a while before telling them.  I don’t really want to freak anyone out or have any of my well-meaning friends try to sway my decision.  Plus, I don’t want anyone worrying unnecessarily.  I’ll begin telling folks once I’m past the stage where I’m likely to have complications.

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March 15, 2005

Geez, that memorial page is DEPRESSING!!!!!

March 11, 2005.

I was listening to the radio yesterday and the goofy morning show guys were talking about women and appearance.  Anyway, they were going on and on about how men won’t admit it, but they will either leave their mates if they gain weight or cheat on them and how it’s the woman’s fault if she gets cheated on or abandoned.  A few guys were very open about how “disgusting” they find fat women.  They even had a couple of guys who are into “fat chicks” call in and give their reasons.  One guy said he started liking fat girls because they’re “easy” and another guy cracked the tired old “fat girls are like mopeds” joke (you know, the one that goes “fat girls are like mopeds – fun to ride as long as your friends don’t see”).  I was so mad that I could have put my fist through the radio!  I’m sick and tired of the all the disrespect shown toward people who don’t measure up to society’s standards.  Grrrrr!!!!!!!!

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March 10, 2005

I wanted to make a list of things I wanted to accomplish after wls:

* Cure my high blood pressure, GERD, and sleep apnea. (Goal partially met – no more GERD or sleep apnea – blood pressure remains a challenge)

* Fasten my seatbelt in my car without feeling like I’m being strangled (GOAL MET!!)

* Cross my legs (GOAL MET)

* Get down and up from the floor easily (GOAL MET)

* Stoop down to pick up things without my knees killing me (GOAL MET)

* Go up and down the stairs without my knees creaking (GOAL MET)

* Go up the stairs without getting winded quickly   (GOAL MET)

* Walk or stand for more than 15 minutes without getting achy back and feet (GOAL MET)

* Have no more thigh chafing!!!! (GOAL MET)

* Roller-skate

* Go running or jogging (GOAL MET)

* Become outdoorsy and athletic (GOAL PARTIALLY MET – I’m far more athletic, “outdoorsy” however still needs work)

* Wear jeans (I have not worn jeans since I was 7 years old!!!) (GOAL MET)

* Stop being such a hot, sweaty mess (GOAL MET)

* Tie my shoes without having to hold my breath (GOAL MET)

* Paint my toes without having to contort into weird positions and hold my breath – looks like I’m auditioning for Cirque de Soleil (GOAL MET)

* Have the doc use a regular sized blood pressure cuff on me  (GOAL MET)

* Fasten an airline seatbelt without an extender (GOAL MET)

* Cross my legs on a plane (GOAL MET)

* Put down the tray on a plane or train (GOAL MET)

* Wear a bathing suit without a huge shirt covering it

* Shop at regular clothing stores  (GOAL MET)

* Stop feeling invisible, yet enormous   (GOAL PARTIALLY MET -  I don’t feel enormous anymore, but I still struggle with feeling invisible)

* Get my clothing and shoe sizes down to a single digit - currently a size 30-32 and size 11W shoe! (GOAL MET FOR SHOES)

* Wear my haircut really short and not worry about how fat my neck looks (GOAL MET)

* Fit into any restaurant booth comfortably (GOAL MET)

* Fit into any theater seat comfortably (GOAL MET)

* Workout at the office gym without worrying about how I look to everyone else (GOAL MET)

* Have more self-confidence (GOAL MET)

* Get rid of my giant saggy boobs (GOAL)

* Have exactly one chin! (GOAL MET)

* Wear 7-inch bracelets (GOAL MET - in fact, I wear 6 1/2 inch bracelets!)

* Wear 18-inch necklaces without being strangled. (GOAL MET - in fact I wear 16 inch necklaces!!)

* Become a clotheshorse because I will actually like how I look

* Be able to use armrests for their intended purpose (GOAL MET)

* Go out on a date without spending the entire evening wondering why the guy “really” wants to go out with me

* Be able to put things on my lap because I will have a lap! (GOAL MET)

* Fit into those stupid desk/chair things you see at colleges (GOAL MET)

* Be able to stop the fake, self-deprecating humor to hide the fact that I’m utterly humiliated by my appearance  (GOAL MET)

* Tuck in my shirt or blouse without being paranoid about how I look (GOAL MET)

* Say bye-bye to back problems (GOAL MET)

* Fit on amusement park rides  (GOAL MET)

* Wear cool t-shirts (no one makes them in 4X, so I can’t really wear them) (GOAL MET)

* Wear things that say “one size fits most” (GOAL MET)

* Be able to eat in public without being embarrassed (GOAL MET)

* Have people not recognize me anymore (GOAL MET)

* Be more comfortable around people and have a better social life  (GOAL PARTIALLY MET – I am far more comfortable around people but the ol’ social life still needs serious work)

* Wear cute panties and bras (GOAL MET)

* Have muscle tone (GOAL MET)

* Be able to use my exercise equipment, which I cannot do now because I’m over the equipment’s weight limit. (GOAL MET)

* Be able to wrap a regular sized towel around my body (GOAL MET)

* Not have any activities limited by my weight (GOAL MET)

* Not assume people are making fun of me each time I hear laughter (GOAL MET)

* Know what it feels like to be at an acceptable weight (GOAL MET)

* Have people not be terrified to make eye contact with me (GOAL MET)

* Be able to sit in a chair and have people still be able to see the chair (GOAL MET)

* Not be deathly afraid of wicker furniture, folding chairs or anything with armrests! (GOAL MET)

* Stop settling for less than I deserve in life (I know this more emotional than physical, but I am convinced that it will be easier demend honesty and respect if I like myself more) (GOAL PARTIALLY MET – I am much, much better about this).

* Be able to go through a turnstile without having to turn sideways (GOAL MET)

* Be able to wear high heels and cute little strappy shoes.  If I were to wear high heels now, my weight would grind them down to a fine powder! (GOAL MET)

* Treat myself to a day at the spa (I won't even consider it in my present "condition").

* Be able to eat a small portion of food and honestly be satisfied! (GOAL MET)

* Make men who wouldn't give me the time of day really regret it!

* Be able to wear those cute slender skirts (GOAL MET)

* Be able to wear those cute lycra tops (GOAL MET)

* Sit “Indian style”

* Wipe my backside without having to stand up (yeah, I know… too much info!) (GOAL MET)

* Be able to find stylish clothes that fit me at Goodwill and consignment shops. (GOAL MET)

* Not have to push my car seat all the way back in order to fit comfortably behind the wheel. (GOAL MET)

* Go to the beach and truly enjoy it

* Travel and enjoy myself (GOAL MET)

* Stop being a “homebody” (GOAL MET)

* Be able to honestly believe it if someone tells me that I’m beautiful.

* Do the “Walk from Obesity”

* Have energy, energy, energy!!! (GOAL MET)

* Take a bubble bath.   I only take showers because I don’t think I can get myself out of the bathtub once I get in. (GOAL MET)

* Just have an easier time doing simple things.  (GOAL MET)

* Wear panty hose that fit well.  (GOAL MET)

* Wear ladies sweat pants.  I have to buy men’s sizes because “ladies” aren’t supposed to be this fat. (GOAL MET)

* Be able to pick up whatever I drop on the floor. (GOAL MET)

* Be able to walk and hold a conversation at the same time. (GOAL MET)

* Only take up one seat on the bus or subway – not a seat-and-a-half! (GOAL MET)

* Be able to walk between tables at a restaurant without having my hips drag someone’s spaghetti off of the table. (GOAL MET)

303/302/130

March 9, 2005

I had my first three pre-op tests done last Monday (3/7) - chest x-ray, upper GI series, and abdominal ultrasound.  Not too bad; although the barium drink was disgusting.  I feel like I’m really on my way!  I can’t express how happy and excited I am.

I am still on a diet to try to lose some pounds before the surgery.  Sloane (Dr Von Rueden’s Nutritionist) gave me a food plan and some journals.  I dropped out of

Sometimes, I feel terrible about myself; I have very little confidence and ZERO self-esteem.  I overachieve in other areas of my life to compensate for my inability to lose weight.  But regardless of how well I succeed in my career or with other things, I will always feel like a complete failure because I’m so freaking huge.  I don’t have a lot of close friends because I tend to push people away.  I’ve also never had serious romantic relationships.  Let me clarify that.  I’ve had relationships where I’ve been serious, but the guy was just using me for one reason or another.  I’m really bitter toward men now.  I honestly don’t know how I will react once I lose weight and become more attractive knowing the men who would not give me the time of day before surgery are suddenly interested.  Men are stupid.  Enough about them!

Anyway, I’m going to invest in a digital camera so I can start my collection of “before” pictures.  Funny, never before would I ever consider posting a picture of myself in the Internet – much less confess how much I weigh.  But everyone here is so welcoming and supportive.

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February 22, 2005

Well, first the good news.... I have a surgery date!  My date is May 24, 2005 with Dr. Von Rueden at GBMC.  I am really excited and nervous at the same time.  It's going to be a big change for me, but I know I can do it!

The bad news is that I've been on a "pre-surgery" diet for the past month to try to lose as much weight as I can before the surgery.  I'm doing this program called "

I'm not "required" to lose the weight before wls, but it's just something I want to do for myself to make my recovery and the transition easier.  I'm 302 now, but, I'd love to go into surgery at 285 or less. 

Anyways, at least I have a date and I am EXTREMELY pleased about that!

303/302/130

February 1, 2005

So I guess I ought to go ahead and start a journal.  I really don’t like the idea of doing so because I hating writing about myself.  Besides, I don’t really have much to say, but I suppose it would be nice to be able to look back and see where I’ve come from, so here goes….

A little more about myself… I am 34, hopelessly single and “super morbidly obese.”  I weigh 303 pounds.  There I said it.  I’ve been obese all my life and was put on my first diet at age four.  Since then, it’s been diet after diet, failure after failure.  I’d lose a few pounds here and there, but I would always gain back more.  Both my parents are obese and my older sister gained more than 100 pounds after two pregnancies, so it runs in my family. 

I have high blood pressure, sleep apnea, achy knees and feet, acid reflux, and mild asthma. In other words, I’m a wreck.

After thinking and researching for the past six months, I decided to go ahead with the surgery.  My mother is even on board with the idea.  When I first broached the subject of the surgery with her, it was NOT pretty.  I knew she would not support it. Well let’s see within about 45 seconds of my telling her she said I was a bad Christian, a spiritual weakling, demon possessed, lazy, have a mental problem, have an eating disorder, have no will power and determination and if I just go on a "sensible diet" and "get rid of that lazy demon", I could lose the weight. Wow. She covered a lot of ground in record time. Then, of course, she had to spout on and on about how good she is to have gotten control of her appetite, blah, blah, blah.  Anyway, I told my older sister about it and my sister told my mother that she should be more supportive of my weight loss efforts.  My mother became incredibly defensive about the whole thing.  Since then, she's been on the bandwagon.  We'll see if she stays on. 

Anyway, I went to Dr. Von Rueden’s information session a couple of weeks ago and I have an appointment for an initial consultation on 2/17.  I would like to have a surgery date sometime in late May or early June.  There are a number of foods that I need to begin to wean myself from such as sugar, sodas, etc.  I can't wait.  I am so ready to do this thing and I want to give all the glory to God from whom all blessings flow.

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