Confused

Apr 06, 2009

So I went to Dr. Raftopolous back in February to see if he could help me get my band to work properly. It worked beautifully during pregnancy - I only gained 20 pounds - ate relatively small portions - never got anything stuck - never threw up - I had no fill but the band finally found a sweet spot to sit while I was pregnant.  Dr. Raftopolous suggested that the band is not an effective tool and said he recommended that I get a revision to the bypass.  I left his office very confused - but started to wrap my head around a revision - I went to all the tests he suggested - a new sleep study,  a blood test with 12 vials of blood (I had to go twice because the first time my veins collapsed so they couldn't get any blood from me), I went for an upper GI and got another PFT - my sleep apnea is cured because I'm down 30 or so pounds from the last time I had a sleep study - but I have developed mild asthma - who knew!  The only thing out of whack in all the tests is my leptin level is way out of range (38.3) - but other than that things look good.  So I go to the doctor today fully expecting that he'd be submitting a request to the insurance for approval - that's not what happened.  He asked me if I wanted to try to use the band again - WHAT??  He asked if I wanted to have a fill - I said no - he told me to think about  it for next month - he said that we will go through the motions of getting a revision surgery so I'll have to do 6 months of doctor supervised diet visits - WHAT - Again?  He told me to stop making excuses and start exercising and gave me a DIET to follow -

I felt like a COMPLETE LOSER - I left there and just cried and cried - I feel so bad  - I just let him go on and on about eating bla, bla, bla - I could have said the exact things - I KNOW how to eat - I KNOW I need ot exercise - DUHHHH!  I told him Dr. - I can lose weight - I've proven that my entire life - but look at me!  He just didn't get it - I don't think anyone who isn't obese gets it.  It took all of me not to completely start bawling in his office - I felt my eyes welling up with tears as he was telling me to join a gym and work out 3 to 5 times a week - uh - thanks.......I know there are plenty of people that are 100 pounds overweight that are capable of exercising - but how many of them actually DO IT?  Isn't that why we want the f'in surgery to begin with - hello?  I need help - if I could do it on my own - I would - I mean I've lost hundreds of pounds over and over and over again - I have this stupid tool in my body that he wants to "experiment" with to see if maybe something has changed and maybe this time it will work.

When he was asking me questions - I felt as if he was looking for an "uh-ha" it is your fault - like he asked what foods get stuck -I told him chicken and bread are some - he got fixated on telling me I should not be eating bread - um - I don't have any fill in and I can eat bread 10 days in a row and on the 11th day it gets stuck  - maybe I am a big failure.  He told me that I need to be positive - I was so positive when I walked in his office and left there in tears - I dunno - I'm just a little confused right now and extremely disappointed.

I'm allowed to have a pity party if I want - it's my life!

On another note - my daughter will be one 4/8 - it's hard to believe an entire year has passed!  She's the sweetest little baby and brings us much joy - I have to focus on what's good in my life right now - that is my husband, my son and my daughter - I am truly blessed regardless of the obesity curse!

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