just jacie

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But my weght is going back down. I was stuck up around the 288 mark. I am proud to announce that today i weigh 233. I'm pretty happy that I have lost those 50 pounds since march,

I have had a lot of health problems that got in the way of my progress. I had to have my gall bladder removed, and after that they found tumors in my lungs. So I had lung surgery that removed a wedge of my lung that containted the largest and most cancerous tumor. I am still living with several small tumors in my lungs, and they will be check every 3-6 months to see if they have changed.

Since the weight has started to come off, I really need to get myself back to the gym. \I am doing fine on the eating part, going mostly bak to basics, and when I do have say, a hot dog, I only have about 3 bites and then I am satisfied.I hope that continuing this along with starting to work out again I can make my goal.I still want to lost about 50 pounds, and then figure out how to get some plastic surgery, because I know that is the only way I Will truly get to live a normal life

Once again I have decided that it is my mission to get back on track and do what I need to do to finish losing weight and live the life I want to live. I have decided that I am going to go in for therapy. Despite my best intentions and a post almost an entire year ago, I still can not get back on track and do what I need to do. I find myself here in the same old spot. Today I think I can do it. I think I can be "good". I think I can do everything I am supposed to do. Surgery did not fail me, I have failed me. I don't know for sure that it is my fault. I know that I am the one making bad choices. I know I am the one not doing what I am supposed to. But there has to be some underlying reason for this. I know what I should do, I just haven't been able to get it in to practice. I guess it's like a herion addict. I am sure, that they, like me, know what they are doing is wrong and is only hurting themselves. Yet, like me, they continue to do it. Who knows.

I did go to the gym today. I have quit drinking any pop for over a month now. I have made some baby steps, but there is still something I need to get past. I hope that therapy will help me with this. 

In closing I just want to say how incredibly embarrassing it is to write this on my profile, especially in light of that aforementioned post from nearly a year ago. I debated even writing this for the fact that it is humiliating and I am SURE will open me to ridicule from some of those people on the boards here who have been blessed enough to be able to make their goals and yet at the same time continue to judge those people who can not do the same. But I am doing it in hopes that maybe it will help someone else out there who is like me. It seems like the only people who stick around on this site are those who are doing well. I know that there are more people like me, that is why I am trying to be open and honest about this. I hope that I will be able to get past this and show people it can be done. And if I don't, I guess I will be here to show that WLS is not always the perfect, easy solution that so many of us seem to think that it is.

My friend glitterchick is getting ready to have her surgery on July 31st. She is already rocking her pre-op liquid diet and I know she is going to be a huge success with her surgery. glitterchick wouldn't do it any other way.

Here's her profile. Good luck girl!

There are days I wish I'd never had this surgery. Yes, there have been good things. I've lost like 130 pounds. I am healthier. I no longer have high blood pressure. I don't have to worry about fitting in booths, or seats, or whatever. But I still not happy. I still hate the way I look. I see pictures of myself and I still feel that I look as bad as I did when I weighed 388. I am still just as miserable inside. Losing this weight didn't make me any happier. In fact, I think it's made me more depressed, because now I know that there is probably really nothing that will make me happier. So that contributes to me making bad choices. You see, when I first had this surgery, I had hope. Hope that things would be better. Hope that somehow this surgery and losing weight would help my life out. I thought things would be better. They aren't. So I don't care as much about good choices. I don't care much about anything any more. There's another catch 22... I already hate the extra skin I have. My arms, which were relatively normal, just big, before, now hang over my elbows and look worse than ever! My stomach is so out of proportion that I can't even find pants that fit me correctly. My thighs droop causing sag and wrinkles at my knees. Ugh. What am I going to do with this? It's so frustrating because even if I lose weight I will still look terrible, so who cares? I'm fairly screwed either way.

Yes, I know this is supposed to be about getting healthy and I already am healthy, physically. I can work out, my BP is fine, etc... but what good is being healthy when you are completely miserable? I just was looking at my goals here on my profile. The first one is "BE HAPPY". 13 people in progress. 0 achieved it. At least I'm not alone.

I've been doing better with my eating, cut out a lot of the junk. I still have times where I make bad choices but they are getting much less frequent. Also eating/snacking less frequently. Haven't lost any weight but I realize that the only time I did was when I had negative calories (I would eat 800 or so a day but workout and burn 1000 calories) and I don't know if I can get back to that point now. I don't have time to work out for 2 hours a day anymore! Unfortunately I've got myself into too many things that take up too much time. I only wish for the luxury of being able to go back to making myself a priority in my life.

I have to admit, I have not been the best patient for the last several months. I eat candy, I do things I am not supposed to do, and it shows in my weight. I haven't lost anything for a long time, and it's totally my fault.

Yesterday I printed out my before picture to show to someone at work. I never look at that picture. Looking at it gave me an total anxiety attack, my heart was racing, I could barely see straight. I am not that person anymore and looking at it brought back so many bad feelings. I don't ever want to be that person again.

So, yesterday I started getting back on track. I ate less than 1000 calories and had no sugar. Today is going well also. One day at a time. I have some people I know having surgery soon and I want to be a good inspiration for them. I am already a disappointment to myself, I don't need to be that for others.

Today I was able to shop at the Gap (or rather the outlet, but whatever) for the first time in years! I got pink sweatsuit. The funny thing is I got XL pants and an XXL sweatshirt. I'm usually bigger on the bottom than the top. I guess Gap will be different. I had fun shopping and it's made me motivated to want to be able to shop even more places.

This is me down 140 pounds. I have about 70-80 to go.

I don't know why I thought this site might be any different from anywhere else in the world. It seems that I am constantly reminded how different I am from the majority of people. It doesn't matter what group of people I am with, I NEVER fit in 100% or even close to it. I always feel like the odd person out.

Here as I read the messageboards all I can see is how different I am, even from others who have had this surgery. I'm not a scale ho. Yes, I like to see that I am losing weight, but why do so many people not realize that being a slave to the scale and freaking out over every litttle non-loss is not productive? I'm also not a size whore. I see so many posts from people who are so worried about what size they are wearing, how small they are, etc... Yes, I had this to look better, as well as to feel better, but I don't understand how so many people seem to get so shallow after this surgery. While I've felt bad about my weight, I've never been ashamed to wear a 26 and I'll never be proud to wear a size 4 if I ever get there. I am so much more than my clothing size. I'm also so much more than a number on the scale. I wish more people could realize that. There are such more important things in life. Sigh.

I wouldn't change being a unique and different person for anything, but I think everyone wants somewhere they can fit in, where they can see that they are not completely alone in the world. I guess my search for that place continues.

If I hear (read) one more person say that drinking soda will make your pouch burst, blow up, expand or anything else like that I am going to fucking scream. Please, for the love of Christ, think about it!! How on earth is something with 2 openings going to explode from carbonation? HOW!? OK. Just had to get that off my chest.