KimD.
I was born a poor little boy in New Brunswick and had to walk uphill both ways 2 miles to school everyday in my brother's pyjamas........ No wait that's my Dad's story. I was a little kid. Never any extra flesh until puberty hit and then I exploded in all the usual directions and everything just forgot to stop growing. I always had a little too much weight on as a teenager and by the time I reached 18 years old I was around 180 lbs. 10 pounds per year right?? I wanted to join the Canadian Armed Forces when I got out of high school but the doctor said I was too heavy. He felt sorry for me I guess and told me to go home and try to lose weight before I went to boot camp and he would sign the papers to let me in and just adjusted my weight down on the paper so I would be accepted. I didn't lose anything and eventually there I was on my way to boot camp still carrying too many pounds. Boy did that change in a hurry. Boot camp should be called the diet camp from hell. One of our first tests was to see how fast we could run 1 1/2 miles. I was one of the last people across the finish line. Only my pride allowed me the push not to be at the very end. I think pride did a lot for me in boot camp because when I finshed I was the most improved runner and could run 10 miles non-stop and do push ups forever and as push-ups were used as a form of punishment I got to be spectacularly good at them. After boot camp the weight started creeping up again and even though I stayed in the armed forces all it did really was keep my weight at a capped off level, if I remember right it was back to about 170 lbs when I got out. Then I had 2 kids and stopped working and up it went again. I remember looking at my scale and thinking I am never going to let myself get over 200 lbs. Then I quit smoking. I didn't just gain weight, I went off like a rocket. Now for the past few years I have been wandering around in a size 24 thinking, "I'm dying and I can't do anything about it and I have this great new husband and these terrific kids and grandkids and I won't live long enough to enjoy them." Blood pressure went up, I became a diabetic, insulin and all, my feet swell up bigger than the average persons head and now my back is in constant unending unrelenting pain. What a mess!
The thing is I don't think I have poor sel-esteem. I can give myself credit for being fairly intelligent, I like the way my face looks, I am friendly and outgoing and have a good sense of humor and I tell great stories. BUT when it comes to how I feel in a group everything always comes back to how do I compare in appearance to the other girls. I have no idea why it's all about how you look but the fact is in our society that's all there really is. No matter what anybody says it comes down to how pretty are you?
One time after I graduated from Nursing school I went to a bar in Oshawa with a group of girls. Some were friends, some were relatives, they ALL weighed less than 130 pounds. Most of the girls were on the dance floor but a friend and I were sitting at the table when this guy walked up and asked her to dance. She said no she would stay with me and he replied," JUST LEAVE THE COW HERE TO WATCH THE PURSES AND COME DANCE!" Sure my friend was pissed and boy she let him know but the embarrasment continued when she told all our other friends the story over and over again. She had no idea that would be personal to me and I'm sure she had no concept as she never could manage to keep a few pounds on and still can't to this day. I hope when this is over for me and my new life begins, I never forget that episode, and use that feeling when I'm dealing with other people who have the same problems I have dealt with my entire adult life.
