October 2009

Oct 11, 2009

Now I have 8 cats but have stopped fostering as I can't keep anymore unwanted ones and there will always be unwanted ones. It's so sad.

On the weight front, I am down to 185lbs. Finally back in normal size clothes. I no longer am able to drink soda, but have started smoking again. I have 4 ccs in my band and am able to eat very very little. I have to make sure I take my vitamins and drink lots of gatorade or I get very weak and feel like I'm going to pass out. It doesn't matter what I eat, popcorn, risotto, etc. I'm only able to eat a few spoonfuls. A half bowl of soup, half a sandwich with the really thin bread, a few thin cut slices of proscuitto, etc. I feel like I'm a little tight, but everytime I go to Cleveland Clinic complaining of needing to be loosed A LITTLE, then take out like 2 ccs. They use the radiograph and if the fluid isn't flowing through rapidly they say it's too tight. When it's like that though I'm able to eat a cheeseburger without feeling restricted. So, I am just adjusting to the new rules I have to live with regarding food portion and choices.

Now, I'm researching plastic surgery options. My inner thighs are hideous, my stomach is hideous. I used to think I would definitely need a boob lift but as I lose weight the sagging goes away. If that keeps up plus adding exercise, I may not need to do that afterall. But no amount of exercise will solve the thigh, stomach problem. By the way, not exercising yet, been too weak, but in a few weeks after I get the hang of all these changes (lost 30lbs in a month, so it's been fast) then I will start the WiiFit. Yes almost a year later and still haven't done it.

The weight loss on a psychological front is changing all sorts of things. I don't have to take antidepressants or anti-anxiety drugs anymore. I do have to take Nexium daily or I get horrible chest pain and the burning gets out of control and when I sleep I sometimes aspirate acid. Meanwhile, me and my significant other (who have been friends for over 20 years) might be separating. He's never been intimate or affectionate with me since I gained the weight and now that I'm losing it, he's not showing any signs of becoming intimate again. He's 20 y/o than me, and says he's just not into it anymore, even though there are pills for that. We moved in together when I got sick and had separate bedrooms because I like to sleep with my cats and he's a clean freak that's afraid the cats will give him germs. He's the love of my life and I have accepted his strange requirements because I love him so much. But now, that I'm turning 38 I'm starting to re-evaluate what I want. He told me he's always lived alone and if I decide that I want my own place, that he'll pay for it and I'll keep the BMW and continue to work for him and drive him to work 3xs a week with dinner afterwards and he'll pay for everything. So, I have a big decision to make regarding where I want my life to go, but if I hadn't lost all this weight the choice would've been clear.

We'll see where I am a year from now. :) I think I'll wait until after my plastic surgery before making any life altering decisions.

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