My Size 12 Jeans...
Jan 08, 2009are falling off of me now. OMG. I'm inching towards a 10. This is surreal. You'd think that there would be not one thing bad about this milestone. But there is. Well...maybe not BAD, but kind of sad really. You see...once I can't wear a size 12 anymore, that means I can't shop at Torrid or Lane Bryant anymore. I know it may sound crazy, but perhaps some of you can relate. I can't help feel but a painful pang at saying good bye to these places. When these stores finally came about it was like a godsend. There was finally a place I could shop for cute clothes, made explicitly for people like me. Living in a world where every store says "We don't carry your size, because people like you are already ugly. Why would you even TRY to look good?" was a very sad thing. To finally find a store where I FIT? Was a revelation for me. These are places where I feel comfortable shopping, going into fitting rooms, and just browsing. To now have to let that go and say goodbye is really hard for me. It's like getting on the school bus for the first time and waving good bye to your mother. It's scary and unfamiliar.
Now I go into places like Forever 21, Wet Seal, Charlotte Russe, and WIndsor and I feel like the fat girl there. I maybe a size medium, but it isn't necessarily a "happy" medium (if you'll pardon the pun). I am so thankful, and generally....elated at my results and how good I look and feel, but they weren't kidding when they said "you trade in one set of problems for a whole NEW set." I guess my point is...not all that glitters is gold. Everywhere I go people are complimenting on my success and marveling and saying "You must feel so good!" But I liked myself before too. It almost makes me feel like saying "so before, when I was fat, I was a monster unworthy of love?". I know they don't mean it that way but I still can't help but feel that. It's difficult.
So taking stock today. Last year during this time, I was 288 lbs and a size 22/24. Today I'm 176 and a size 11-12. Wow. Yay me. I just hope I can come to grips with all this attention and change. I know once the novelty wears off and people stop gawking and screaming when they see me, once everyone I know has seen the new me, and accepts it as the permanent me...maybe then it'll be easier. And eventually maybe I'll get used to the idea of only shopping at Lane Bryant and Torrid now, the way I used shop at Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, WIndsor, and Wet Seal- For the accessories :)
May 09, 2008