Annette C.
Is it possible to feel too normal?
Jan 02, 2008
I still remember the fat girl and still see her in the mirror from time to time. But her appearances are getting fewer and farther between.
I still have issues with my size. I still have days when I feel fat. I never consider myself to be thin.
I buy sweaters in mediums when smalls would fit. I am amazed that my size 6 slacks have room in them but I haven't dared to try a smaller size. I think I am afraid that the fat girl will come out of nowhere and shout nasty things to me if a 4 is too snug.
I can see her charging at me through the mirror and saying, "Just what do you think you are doing? You are still fat. Who are you trying to kid? Did you really think you could wear a 4? Not in this lifetime!" Gee, she can be a real b!tch.
It's funny how the girl with whom I was so comfortable, has now become my nightmare. I know I am changing more on the inside than I have on the outside. It scares me. It excites me. But most of all I find myself more at home in the real world.
New Language
May 14, 2007
I am learning a new language. I have to before I get punched in the face. It started on Friday. My husband and I went shopping and I got a couple of really cute dresses at Dress Barn. On the way out of the store he asked if there was anything else in the store that caught my eye. I told him that there was a really cute blouse on the “fat girl” side of the store but I didn’t see one like it on the side where I was shopping. He said, “You’re gonna have to be more careful about your language.” I was surprised and said, “What did I say?” He whispers back my comment about the “fat girl” side. Wow, I didn’t realize that I couldn’t say things like that anymore. People on the street will not be aware of my history. All they will see is some Miss Thang saying nasty things about fat girls, not knowing that I was a card-carrying member for all of my adult life.
I guess this also means no more calling dibs on the “fat girl stall” when entering a public restroom. Dang!
I’m also using phrases in different places now too. It used to be that when shopping with my husband, he would say as we passed stores like The Gap, “Do you want to go in?” I would always reply with, “They don’t have anything to fit me in there.” Now I get to use that sentence when we pass Lane Bryant. But now I say it with a smile on my face.
Judging by your size...
Apr 24, 2007
When I was fat… (I can’t believe I get to start a sentence with that phrase) I couldn’t really see myself for the size I was. You know how it is. You look in the mirror and some days you still see the eighteen year old girl you haven’t been for thirty years. Other days you see your mother. If asked to pick someone out of the crowd who wore my exact size I couldn’t do it. I “knew” what I saw in the mirror, but didn’t have a clue what it looked like in the real world. It wasn’t until I saw some pretty unflattering photos that I realized how big I was. Then one day I was chatting with a fat friend, who I was sure was bigger than me, and found out she was two sizes smaller than I was. Facing the facts about my size was very difficult. My mind didn’t want to accept that I was that big.
But now I have discovered how to tell when I have met my match, size-wise. Since I began losing weight, different people at different times have come up to me and said, “You’ve lost enough weight. You should stop now.” If this hasn’t happened to you yet, it will. When it does, take a good, hard look at that person. I guarantee they are the same size you are now or at most one size smaller. Their concern for your size just means you are stepping on their turf.
When I was in a size 16, I heard these comments from other 16’s and 14’s. At size 12, it came from the 12’s & 10’s. Now that I’m an 8-10, I hear it from the 6-8-10 crowd. They have always been comfortable with me as their “fat friend” but when I become their (perceived) competition rather than their comfort…then they need to express their concern that if I continue to lose weight I will not be healthy/pretty/whatever their “concern.”
So now when I hear, “You’ve lost enough, stop.” I take it with a grain of salt and say to myself, “so, that’s what I look like. I’m that size.”
Goal Revisited
Apr 24, 2007
I finally settled on a goal. I saw the dietician/nutritionist a couple of weeks ago. Noticing that my weight loss has slowed to a crawl (hovering around 177 for weeks now), she asked about my goal. Looking down at the floor, I told her I didn’t have one. She asked if I was happy where I am. I told her that I consider the surgery a success. I am happy with my size. I have gotten to the point where a size 10 is comfortably loose. Size 8 fits, but is a bit snug in places. I know that plastic surgery will take off a few inches in my belly where things are tight. I am not “happy” with the number on the scale; I thought it would be much lower at this size. The diet/nut tells me that I should consider myself “at goal” and let the plastic surgeon take over from here.
Wow! Is it possible to stop stressing over the scale? I guess so. The result was an almost immediate five pound loss. I didn’t change a thing. Within a week I was down to 171! That’s a total loss of 95 pounds!!!
Ninety-five pounds…an accomplishment to be sure…but doesn’t quite have a “ring” to it. So my goal is to loose five more pounds for an even 100!
Yippee, I have a goal!
Goal Setting
Feb 26, 2007
The computer model that my medical group uses set my goal at 142 pounds based on my height of 5' 8 1/2". How does a computer know anything about my body type? My dietician said my goal weight should be more like 160 since I am large-boned. (Honest, I'm big-boned.) I have broad shoulders and a muscular build from years of working in the construction field. My co-workers tell me I look great now and should stop. At 183??? I don't think so.
I'm in a comfortable size 12 at the moment. 25% of the clothes in my closet are 12's, the rest are loose 14's with a couple of size 10 jeans I picked up at Goodwill (Thank God for Goodwill) waiting for me.
I think my problem is that I haven't seen myself this small in so long that I am just thrilled to be where I am. But at the same time I am scared that I will become complacent and stop losing or (heaven forbid) start to gain.
I need a goal. Any suggestons?
Epiphany
Feb 15, 2007
When I was young I didn't learn to eat when I was hungry, but rather to eat to keep from getting hungry. The result was an extra hundred pounds or more. And what good did it do? I trained myself to eat all the time and eventually dulled my senses to the point that I couldn't tell you what hungry felt like. But what is the evil in being hungry?
So what if my pouch is empty? So I get this little flutter, my stomach makes a little noise, I feel a bit peckish... It isn't going to kill me. It's really not all that uncomfortable. It's not like I don't know when and where my next meal will be or that I will starve to death. I'm just feeling hunger. Big deal. I can learn to live with that feeling a few times a day.
I think that I will learn to actually enjoy the feeling. It's just anticipation. I'd rather feel hunger for a while before my meals than to fall back into the habit of grazing just to stave it off. Grazing could be the death of me...hunger will not.
