Ataraxia

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So I met with my primary doctor today and it went so much better than I thought. I was fearing the worst but he was so cool and supportive of my decision. He told me not to worry about the insurance; that he'll write up whatever I need when the time comes. I got my scripts including one for the liver ultrasound. He initially had no idea what I was talking about when I told him that he had called me about my blood test results. I don't blame him though, he's super busy and I saw him assistant last time. I'm feeling good so far.

Ok, so before I can even try to get insurance approval for the surgery I need to complete the 6 month doctor supervised diet. My second doctors’ appointment is on Monday. I've been doing pretty well with the diet for the past week. That was until Friday. I totally screwed up Friday and the rest of the weekend hasn't been too great. My doctor wanted to get a second blood test and maybe an ultrasound of my liver because my last blood test showed elevated liver enzymes. I'm kind of nervous to see him. I went out of my way to see his physicians’ assistant last time. I had asked for help with my weight a couple of months ago and he just told me to eat less and work out. When I mentioned that I was working out 2-3 times a week he said in a real rude tone of voice that I should be working out at least 5 times a week. He sounded so disgusted with me. I don't ever remember him being that way before. I always considered him an awesome doctor and now I'm seeing the weight discrimination side of the medical profession. I really need him on my side for the surgery so maybe tomorrow won't be as bad.

I just looked through some pictues of a friend of mine from High School. She has lost a lot of weight and looks awesome. I doubt it was done healthy but I can't help but feel jealous and somewhat hurt that I was involved in this process. It was really my own fault though. As I was gaining weight I pushed everyone away. Even if she tried to catch up with me I wouldn't have allowed it. So many mixed emotions. I could do the dramatic weight loss thing again, I've done it once before. Its not healthy and the weight won't stay off but at least I won't be fat anymore. My other option is to wait for my gastric bypass to be approved so I can lose weight and get healthy the right way or at least better than starvation. Oh well. Its late. Bed time. Later.