Bmilitarygirl26

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Well it has been almost a year since I have written here.  So much has gone on.  I don't really want to play catch up but I do just want to put out there of what I am dealing with the here and now.

I feel like I am gong to loose it.  I really do mean loose it all.  So many bad things are going on.  I just want one good thing to go my way.  My husband maybe getting kicked out of the Army and on top of that they might be reducing him in rank.  If they do that then we will loose my car and his motorcycle.  That means that we will no transportation for anything.  I am under an amazing amount of stress.  I am trying to keep it together but I can't.  I can't make my husband fight to keep his job and I can't do my husband's job for him. 

My kids need a lot of help.  My son is just now starting to walk.  He will be 2 at the end of this month.  He can't talk yet.  Well I say he can't talk but he can say 3 words.  He can say "Bye, bye", "Bubbles", and "Cookie".  I take him to therapy once a week.  While we are there he goes to 3 different kinds of therapy.  It takes up over half a day just to go and do it all.  I would do anything for my son though.  My daughter needs more one on one time with me.  She has started school and I am never able to help her with writing her name because I am always so busy with other things that are going on.

I am also not liking all this extra skin I am having.  It is really getting in the way of my life.  Not only in the day to day things that I do but also in my marriage.  I am going to counseling for it right now.  I am also going to see a Plastic Surgeon.  I have seen one but it was a very bad experience.  I called my insurance to get a new referral to a new place.  Lets see if this place is any better.  I know that some insurance's don't pay for anything but I am at least going to try.  I can't really control all the bad things going on in my life and I feel like this is the only thing that I can try and make go my way.  I can go on and on about all this extra skin but I will save it for my councilor. 

I also feel like if I don't get this skin removed then i will gain all my weight back.  I know that I could gain all the weight even if I have plastic surgery but it is just the way that I feel.

I used to feel equal to my husband and now I feel like I  am beneath him.  I shouldn't say that I have always felt equal to him.  I only have for the past 3 years.  He has thought that because I don't bring money into the house that I really don't do anything.  I have tried to show him different but it has been no use.  I thought that for the past 3 years he was really starting to get what I really brought into our house.  I have now found out different.  He really thinks that I sit at home all day and watch TV and that everything else in the house gets taken care of by magic.  I know that sounds crazy but it is so true.

Now my husband dropped a bomb on me the day after Christmas.  He told me that he feels like he is in the marriage just for the kids.  I was in so much shock.  I really thought that we were doing so great.  Right now he is deployed so it is hard to communicate and get everything that we want across to each other.  I went from thinking that we were so strong as a couple to wondering if I needed to find a place for me and the kids to live.  We started to really talk to each other and telling each other what we wanted.  We both agreed that we needed counseling when he got home.  We wanted to keep our marriage strong and never feel this way again.  Though now when I talk to my husband he says that we don't need to go and that everything is OK.  I just don't feel that way.  I still feel like we have a lot to talk and work on.  This is just really hard for me to rap my brain around it all.

To add on to all of this my husband wants to get out of the military.  He will be in for almost 10 years when he would get out.  The reason he gives me is that the new army isn't good at all and that he is tired of putting up with bad people.  We have been down this road so much.  Both of us has run the numbers and we both know that if he gets out that we can't survive with the work that he can do.  I am really tired of talking about it all.

My last thing that I want to put on here is that my husband thinks that I control him.  I can tell you that I don't.  I hardly ever say no to him.  I really let him do what he wants.  I don't even know how I could control him.  He has always been asking if he could go back to his home town and I always told him that if we had the money we could go.  Well he always found other things that he wanted to spend the money on.  We already don't make a lot so when we can save it isn't very much at a time.  When he goes home he drives every where.  When he goes home it cost at the very least $250.  I will tell you that almost all of that is in gas.  He just doesn't get that it really does cost that much.  He always has to learn the hard way.  So with all of this controlling that I guess that I do to him I have now said yes to everything.  He now asks me if he can do all kinds of things and all I say is yes.  I never say no.  He really will have to learn that I can't make money come from no where.  He wants to spend all the money but he wants me to take care of all the money.

With all of this money spending that he wants to do on himself we have no money to spend on things to do together.  He really wants it all out of life.  He wants money to do what he wants and really doesn't think of what his family also wants to do.  I haven't been able to do anything as far as follow my passions.  I haven't been able to even figure out what my passions are now that we have two children.  It really is all about him and what I can get him.  I get him gifts that he really wants and will use but the gift he always gets me is a dinner out where I have to take care of the kids and go to a place that I don't really want to go to because of the kids.  I want a real gift.  I want him to ask me what I want and then go and find it.  Not say sorry we don't have enough money so a dinner is all you get.

To be honest I don't know if this marriage is going to work.  I am not giving up but I don't know how much of this I can take any more.  I want a partner.  I want to work together not just me having to say yes to everything.  I don't want to hear that I just need to put my foot down and say no every once and a while.  I know that but right now he is in a place right now that if I say no to anything that I am controlling him in some way, shape or form. Thanks for reading this long rant.  I feel better for getting it all out but I do know that I will have to have a come to Jesus meeting with my husband when he does get home.

I have two other blogs but only here can I put this.  I am only in week 2 and I have hit a stall.    I mean come on I knew that one would come sooner or later but on week 2.  That just isn't right to me.  I know that this will pass and I will start loosing again.  I just wanted the stall to come later not sooner.  I ask myself if I am getting enough protein and fluids and to be honest I'm not.  I get in enough fluids but not protein.  I hate the protein drinks I have yet to find one that works for me.  I have ordered yet another power to see if this one is good for me.  It isn't going to come in though for at least a week though.  That doesn't help me right now.

I also cheated yesterday and had some tuna fish salad and some mushrooms.  It was only an 2 ounces each and I broke it up into two meals.  I feel horrible about that.  It makes me wonder if I did something bad to myself.  I feel like because I have done that I have stretched my pouch.  I am sure that I haven't but my head goes there.  I want to be the best that I can do with this tool that was given to me.  I don't  want to fail like every thing else that I have tried.  I am now back on the wagon and I vow not to cheat any more on this post op liquid diet.  I can't promise about the protein shakes but I will sure try.

I've had several people say to me recently that they didn't think I was "big" enough to have bariatric surgery....I don't know exactly how I feel about that.  Size is all about perception when people know you on a daily basis, I don't think they actually "see" you.  Does that make sense?  My size is not the only reason I'm having the surgery. My health is the main reason, I wish they would get it, but I guess I'll just have to be happy that I "get" it.  It's kind of a little insulting when I think about it.  Do they think you only have to be 500lbs? Yes I am  smaller than some people who have had it done, but does that make me un-needy?

I am really tall and for the most part I think that I cary my extra weight very well.  No one thinks that I am as big as the scale says.  I don't know what to really think about that.