Not equal

Jan 16, 2011

I used to feel equal to my husband and now I feel like I  am beneath him.  I shouldn't say that I have always felt equal to him.  I only have for the past 3 years.  He has thought that because I don't bring money into the house that I really don't do anything.  I have tried to show him different but it has been no use.  I thought that for the past 3 years he was really starting to get what I really brought into our house.  I have now found out different.  He really thinks that I sit at home all day and watch TV and that everything else in the house gets taken care of by magic.  I know that sounds crazy but it is so true.

Now my husband dropped a bomb on me the day after Christmas.  He told me that he feels like he is in the marriage just for the kids.  I was in so much shock.  I really thought that we were doing so great.  Right now he is deployed so it is hard to communicate and get everything that we want across to each other.  I went from thinking that we were so strong as a couple to wondering if I needed to find a place for me and the kids to live.  We started to really talk to each other and telling each other what we wanted.  We both agreed that we needed counseling when he got home.  We wanted to keep our marriage strong and never feel this way again.  Though now when I talk to my husband he says that we don't need to go and that everything is OK.  I just don't feel that way.  I still feel like we have a lot to talk and work on.  This is just really hard for me to rap my brain around it all.

To add on to all of this my husband wants to get out of the military.  He will be in for almost 10 years when he would get out.  The reason he gives me is that the new army isn't good at all and that he is tired of putting up with bad people.  We have been down this road so much.  Both of us has run the numbers and we both know that if he gets out that we can't survive with the work that he can do.  I am really tired of talking about it all.

My last thing that I want to put on here is that my husband thinks that I control him.  I can tell you that I don't.  I hardly ever say no to him.  I really let him do what he wants.  I don't even know how I could control him.  He has always been asking if he could go back to his home town and I always told him that if we had the money we could go.  Well he always found other things that he wanted to spend the money on.  We already don't make a lot so when we can save it isn't very much at a time.  When he goes home he drives every where.  When he goes home it cost at the very least $250.  I will tell you that almost all of that is in gas.  He just doesn't get that it really does cost that much.  He always has to learn the hard way.  So with all of this controlling that I guess that I do to him I have now said yes to everything.  He now asks me if he can do all kinds of things and all I say is yes.  I never say no.  He really will have to learn that I can't make money come from no where.  He wants to spend all the money but he wants me to take care of all the money.

With all of this money spending that he wants to do on himself we have no money to spend on things to do together.  He really wants it all out of life.  He wants money to do what he wants and really doesn't think of what his family also wants to do.  I haven't been able to do anything as far as follow my passions.  I haven't been able to even figure out what my passions are now that we have two children.  It really is all about him and what I can get him.  I get him gifts that he really wants and will use but the gift he always gets me is a dinner out where I have to take care of the kids and go to a place that I don't really want to go to because of the kids.  I want a real gift.  I want him to ask me what I want and then go and find it.  Not say sorry we don't have enough money so a dinner is all you get.

To be honest I don't know if this marriage is going to work.  I am not giving up but I don't know how much of this I can take any more.  I want a partner.  I want to work together not just me having to say yes to everything.  I don't want to hear that I just need to put my foot down and say no every once and a while.  I know that but right now he is in a place right now that if I say no to anything that I am controlling him in some way, shape or form. Thanks for reading this long rant.  I feel better for getting it all out but I do know that I will have to have a come to Jesus meeting with my husband when he does get home.

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