BTR1DAY
My story begins as a young child, somewhere between 6 and 7 years of age. I went with my family to visit an aunt in the hospital who recently had her legs amputated. I remember my mother saying to me, " that's what happens when you're too fat...they cut your legs off!" And so, my unhealthy relationship with food had begun.
I grew up the south, breakfast consisted of bacon, cheese grits, biscuit and syrup and scrambled eggs, again with more cheese. Lunch was always more minimal, usually a sandwhich and chips
with sweet tea or Koolaid...with tons of sugar. Dinner was always some fried meat, chicken porkchops or steak, mashed potatoes with butter and gravy, biscuits with more butter, corn on the cob with more butter, a slice of chocolate cake or some kind of cobbler with ice cream and more sweet tea or Koolaid. Mom was always dieting then, I remember her telling dad and she would eat this chocolate cubes while I clean my plate. I thought this was her way of making sure her legs weren't cut off and I was relieved. I was an active kid, like most, playing outside until the street lights came on which signaled time to go in the house. I never worried about weight then due to all the energy spent playing until dusk.
By middle school I was pudgy and filling out in all the places that a young woman should, but mom said I was getting fat like my aunt..."and remember, she had her legs chopped off", she said. I began to diet, sneaking my mom's chocolate diet cubes, stealing her liquid protein and fasting on the weekends. These actions kept my weight down and on my wedding day I was 125lbs. With baby 1, I gained 40 pounds, glad to be pregnant using the excuse to eat that I was eating for two. Three months after my son was born I was pregnant again with baby 2, and three months after that I was, yes, pregnant with baby 3!!! Now with all three babies down for a nap, I tried to exercise to loose some of the 210 lbs I now weighed. I turned to my old habits, fasting worked the best. When I had to eat to keep my husband from knowing what I was doing, I turned to Syrup of Eppecate and Ex lax. I was able to get back down to 140 within a year.
Now, I'm 46 years old, children all grown and moved out, menopausal and have gained back every pound I ever lost and more.
People who have never suffered from weight problems don't understand how we feel. They assume we don't know we're overweight, they think were lazy or greedy. They don't realize how we dread pictures, always trying to stand behind others to hide our size and shape. How we dread social gatherings, oh God! now I have to find something that doesn't reveal how fat I am and that not black. EVERY ITEM OF CLOTHING I OWN IS BLACK!!!! Do I dare eat at this gathering knowing that everyone is going to be watching how much food I put on my plate. And how will I handle seeing the shock on someone's face when they see that I have gained more weight since they last saw me. And warm weather, it's harder to hide under clothing and to justify the black when it's 96 degrees outside.
I don't like being overweight. I have tried all kinds of programs. I would loose and then gain it back. I don't like being unhealthy, but ironically, I have often wished I had cancer since one of the symptoms is weight lose. My Birthday is coming again, in April. My gift to myself is to take the step of conquering my fear...my weight. I am doing all the preliminary work to make this happen this April, hopefully on my birthday. I haven't shared my decision with family, and just today I told my best girlfriend. Her response was that I was taking the easy way out, "instead of doing the hard work." She doesn't understand that looking in the mirror is Hard work, bending over to put on socks is Hard work, how about climbing a flight of stairs at a movie theater, fearing intimacy, not being able to find the latest styles in your size, altering your vacation trips because the activities you want to do have a weight restriction. This is HARD work. Making this decision is HARD work. I know the work won't be over in April, but at least then, I'll have the aid and support to live the next 40+ years enjoying life.
