c5felsspirit

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I have been being a fairly good girl. I am eating right. Drinking right. And NOT even tempted to cheat on foods. I have not once had a dumping issue! Its been 5 whole months and I am but a sliver of who I used to be me both mentally and physically.

This has truly been a journey of finding myself. I am learning what I once loved and settled for I no longer love and will not settle for. I am learning to be calmer and have more patience.

I have joined with new friends and old friends. I have done some walks aka race for the cure. I could have never dreamed of doing that last year.

I have found a new love in my life. Its an amazing love. Its a blessed love. Its soul healing love.

I have made a couple of trips away from home to visit family in TX and OK and then another trip with my all knowingly wise girlfriend. Who knew I needed a break.

I feel empowered. I feel sexy. I feel more confident. This is amazing!!!

OK this will be a VERY LONG post.

Let me see.....where to start?

I am eating better and better. My wonderful hubby cooks alot for us. His latest is getting me to eat more fish in my diet. I am not a fish eater by nature.

Tonight he outdid himself. Salmon slow smoked over applewood with grilled squash, zucchini, and purple potatoes. I have to say it was delightful!!! Easy on the palate.

We just got home from Hot Springs Arkansas after spending a weekend with a good friend of ours. It was nice to have ADULT time away from the kids and the first time I have been anywhere since my surgery.  We went to see Sara Evans in concert in the heat!! It was so fun!!!!! We went to a bar afterwards and needless to say I was a very very GOOD Girl. No alcohol! I had water and got to drive their drunks asses home. That was a riot!!!!

Hubby and I drove home yesterday and when we got to Little Rock there was a NASTY storm. Thunder lightening torrential rain and HAIL...... IT WAS LOUD IN THE EXPEDITION!!!

All in all he and I had the best ever weekend!!! I needed a recharge!!!

I actually got a call from my eldest today giving me some news and asking for advice about being  pregnant. Yes I am going to be a grandma.

Anyway... I am not on alot as I just do NOT have time with football season looming and all the work outs I am doing.

I have lost 47 pounds as of today. I am just over 2 months out. I am down several sizes in clothes too!!!! I am feeling blessed and leading a full life. Well as full as I can with this dang ulcer wrecking havoc on my pouch!!! I see the gastro in 2 more weeks so he can look and see if its still healing.

I have been a very very bad girl this week! THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG!!!! Let me explain NOT make an excuse. Ok yeah its an excuse.....

I had a very rough week with my last remaining child at home, she is a senior this year. I have been having issues with the new band director and his wife all summer long. I have just felt like they are picking on my kid. It came to a head in a 4 hour meeting between parents and teachers and principals this week. In which the outcome was not very good at all.

Since then I have been extrememly depressed and hurt and angry. So has my daughter.

I spent ALL day Wednesday at the school board and then at an attorney office as I am DONE FN WITH THESE BULLIES!

But I have fallen into a very deep depression. I did not get out of bed Thursday or Friday. I cried most of both days. My head and heart hurt. I didnt work out, eat, take my meds, take my vitamins, drink anything, get out of my pjs, take a shower. NOTHING...... until late late last night.  I ran to the corner store and bought a pack of smokes and a lighter.

I quit smoking on Feb 1, 2011 and have done extremely well not having one. But late last night I did have my first one. To be honest it made me feel worse. It didnt taste as good as I remember. It made my stomach turn. BUT it was oddly calming to me.

I have said to my hubby that EVERYTHING I did has been taken from me.... Food, Smokes, Alcohol, and sex (whole other story) sorry tmi...... there is NOTHING that can be taken from me left.  Its not that I necessarily WANT those things. Its that I hate watching HIM do most of those thingsand I feel left out.

Anyway I feel bad for him I really do. He is dealing with our daughters and me and the school and the attorney and he is working too. So he is taking on alot right now. But emotionally I can NOT do it anymore.

I did this surgery for me and when I can not follow the rules because I am emotionally drained and cant function something has to change.

So this morning I got up. Put on something clean. Took my first round of meds. Ate some protein pudding. Drank a whole bottle of water. And stared at a pack of cigarrettes, but not had one. I am still not up to moving much being as I can tell I am dehydrated. Maybe tonight I will go swimming for a bit but right now I have to figure this out.

I had my second scope this morning and the dr removed the remaining stitch. He took pics to show me before and after from 2 weeks ago til now. He said it looks like the ulcer is starting to heal.  I may be in the green soon!!!!! I really hope so. I have only lost 34 pounds since May 31... I am a little disappointed. but I know I am loosing inches. Hopefully things will catch back up and move faster again.

So I had a decent week. I ate right, followed the rules and drank water. Thursday I had the best break thru on Thursday while volunteering at band camp with my daughter. She is on colorguard. Well the team went to run laps and I told them I would go but only walk. All those girls rallied around me and encouraged me and cheered me on to JOG those 5 laps with them. And I did jog too!!! I was so so proud of myself.
 
I go tuesday for ANOTHER scope so they can clip the stitch out that is causing the ulcer. The last time I went in the endoscopy scissors were broken and had been sent in for repair. So maybe this week they can finally get me on the full road to recovery.

I joined a gyma dn have a trainer working with me 2 days a week on toning. I am doing cardio 3 days a week. So 5 days a week i am working out. Of course the other 2 days I usually do something whether its swimming or walking. I just do not log those workouts.

I have noticed I am not online near the amount of time I used to be. But that is a good thing that means I am up and moving.

Today I took the plunge and FINALLY picked a gym to join.   I had interviewed a few in the area in my search for somewhere I felt comfortable.     Jill my trainer is wonderful. She whole heartedly shows me how much I mean to her. She shows me something new every time I see her.   SO starting Saturday I am going to start a toning routine and belly dance classes and yoga classes. I am already getting all my cardio in at home. I am walking at least 3 miles a day or for 45 minutes to an hour. Just depends on how I feel each day as to which I do.

My daughter is having a ton of horrible issues at band camp. My heart is breaking for her because I have no idea how to help her.  I can only support her in whatever decision she makes. And of course pick my battles daily.

I have lost another 4 pounds this weigh in. I am happy. I noticed how much more energy I have. and I have also noticed a much increased libido. Now I just need someone to keep up with that libido!!!

So I finally agreed with my hubby that I need to TRY to add fish to my diet. I HATE FISH! And I have a SHELL FISH ALLERGY!!! So I have always been rather careful of what I eat fish wise anyway..... growing up it was always fried catfish and sometimes dad would make trout or bass.

Well my hubby bought some different types of fish for me to try. Tonight's menu..... Swordfish and Halibut. He cooked our whole meal seeing as I am totally clueless when it comes to fish. He baked both and seasoned them differently.

Not a food I would like to make a steady meal of but if I was forced to choose between the two I would take swordfish.

I am open to suggestions for fish!

Hey at least I tried something new!!!!

So today I went for my 6 week post op appointment.

1. I have lost a grand total of 30 pounds.
2. My iron is low
3.  My BMI has gone from 43 to 38
4. rest of labs have been drawn waiting on results.
5. See gastro Friday for my scope
6. stay on puree til after scope. And depending on what he says I may get to start trying regular food.


All in all a very good appointment. I am a little stressed about the scope but I supposed it will be ok. At least I will know what is going on.

So yeah I have been lagging on posting just so many things going on in my life.

I have been working out really hard daily. I have been keeping track of what I eat. I have been taking my meds accordingly. I have even gotten a couple of outfits out of the back of my closet and realized I CAN WEAR THEM AGAIN!

We have had kids in GA on vacation. Kids in Band camp. Kids here there and everywhere! But my hubby and I had one week to ourselves. We didnt do much of anything but we did enjoy out alone time immensely! He has even taken to learning to cook healthy meals so I can puree and join him. I am so happy about that.

I am still limited in what I take in. All Purree....... I can chew up certain things to purree form but I try not to do that too often. I really really want a mini icecream maker so I can make protein ice cream.

I have noticed items at various places that I can NOT have. And when you ask for a helthy alternative they look at me funny. I would like for sonic to get a sugar free syrup so I can have a slush!

Today was glorious! I walked for an hour and 10 minutes. I swam/water walked for 45 minutes. My husband was so great. WHile I was doing my marathon walking he cooked a great dinner of Chicken and steamed veggies. I am puree still but I was able to puree myne and have dinner with him. With both kids gone we are ginding ways to be US again.

I have a few goals I need to add to my lists.
1. wear cute clothes not left over omars tents.
2. ride  a motorcycle
3. be light enough my husband can carry me away.... be it bed or shower or couch... just so he can carry me.
4. Be healthy
5. Feel attractive
6. Find something sexy to wear at a lingerie store
7. Have my daughters see me as more than fat mom.


I have already acheived one goal.... I AM OFF MY BLOOD PRESSURE meds....

So THIS is what I am supposed to feel like!?!?!?!?! I feel like a whole new person!!! The medicine is so great!!! I can eat and not feel sick!!!!!! Man what a difference!!!

I have been doing my walking. I still get a little winded after a bit. But the weight is coming off!

I may or may not be going back to work. I have been tossing around not going back just because of how busy our lives are about to get. One kid in college near here and one in high school. Both girls... both in colorguard and band. And I really dont want to miss performances!!!

My hubby checks on my constantly. Sends me texts thru the day just to see how things are going. He really is being the man I need him to be. There are some things he could change but all in all he is doing his absolute best.

We are considering a trip to St Louis to Pevely raceway and to Six Flags in July. My hubby knows I wont ride the rides. I never have but maybe just to get away would be a nice change.