charlene1

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My post op with Dr. Harris went very well.  I had no problems to report other than how hard it is to get the fluids/protein in.  I'm half way to what I should be getting.  I'm still getting a little tired in the afternoon, I'm at my best in the mornings.  He said that was normal and he wanted me to work on my fluid and protein.  Other than that they took out my staples, made me another appointment for June 15th and sent me on my merry way.  I'd lost around 17 pounds before surgery by my scales and mine and the doctor's are 2 pounds different so we figured I'd lost 8 pounds my first week.  I can't tell a difference in looking at myself, but my husband says my face looks a little thinner.  Of course for me that's the first place that looses then my neck to my waist.  Why, why, why can't it be from the hips and thighs first?  The doctor says I can't go to the gym for about another 3-4 weeks.  After that I've got to really work on the hips and legs.

My daughter left this morning, May 27th back to her apartment.  She has an interview as an intern with a Lawyer for the summer.  We're all hoping she gets it, because it will be great experience going into law school in August.  Being a college student she didn't really have any "professional clothes" so we went clothes shopping yesterday.  My husband had to go to the doctor on the 26th as he's been running a pretty high fever and said he felt like he'd been hit by a truck.  Of course he didn't have any other symptoms, tested negative for flu so they said he had a fever of an unknown origin.  His doctor sent him home and said if he didn't feel any better by today they'd do blood work.  Thank heavens the fever broke but he's dehydrated.  I was going to work this morning for 1/2 day, but he comes first and I have a very understanding boss.  I'm at home forcing fluids and spraying Lysol.

Someone mentioned I needed to keep a journal, sounds like a good idea to me.  I had surgery the 19th so it's been 3 days.  I've been on a clear liquid diet until this evening and my doctor said I could start full liquids.  My daughter is going to make me a 4 oz strawberry protein shake for dinner.  Doesn't sound like much but yesterday I only managed to get in 10 oz fluid all day.  Today I've had 16 oz of diet green tea with a little unflavored powdered protein.  It has been very good, but I started sipping this morning and it's 4:45 and I've been sipping all day. 

It's amazing to me that I don't feel hunger.  They said most people don't for about 6 months and some 1 - 2 years.  Hey, as long as I build up to the amounts of fluid, protein, and carbs I need that will be fine with me.  So far so good.  The only problem I've had is gas which everyone says you'll have.  It's weird though, because the bowel sounds are so loud, I've referred to it as being invaded by some alien from outer space.  Hopefully everything will pass in the next few days.

I took a little ride today and went with my husband and daughter to Rooms to Go.  She's going to law school in the fall, moving to another city and needed some living room furniture.  It felt good to walk.  Right after that we went by GNC to pick up some chewable calcium.  I just couldn't handle what I had already purchased.  Crushed pills of any kind just isn't good in chicken broth, green tea or anything else.  After leaving GNC I told my husband it was time for me to go home.  I needed a nap. 

This is going to be a great journey.

I SURVIVED!!   

I had to be at the hospital at 5:30 for prep and surgery was scheduled for approx. 7:30.  Apparently I had some good drugs because I don't recall talking to my surgeon, but I'm told I wagged my finger at him and told him he better do his job right.  Funny huh?  Anyway, I'm very proud of myself for this step.  I know it's a lifetime change but I'm ready to face it head on.  It was so good to see my daughter and husband after surgery.  I love them so much!!

Didn't get this posted before surgery but this is what I wrote in my journal.  It's the day before surgery and so many things are running through my head.  My daughter asked me Sunday if I was nervous and my answer then was no. That was yesterday, today I'm a mixed bag of emotions which I suppose is normal.  I'm a little nervous, anxious and very excited.  Thank heavens I'm working today which should help me stay a little more focused.  Not many people at work know I'm having surgery, just a select few and those people are very supportive.  I decided this was the best for me now, this way I'm not the talk of the department.

My daughter who just graduated still lives in Boone is home for the week to help out.  She and my husband are going with me to the hospital bright and early in the morning as I have to be there at 5:30.  I love both of them so much and don't know what I'd do without them.  I'm also not sure what they would do without me.  My daughter is not only a daughter, but my best friend.  My husband and my daughter didn't get off to good of a start.  If looks could kill, well lets say he wouldn't be here now after the first time she met him.  Man, does time change everything sometimes for the best and sometimes not. 

The best part is the relationship my daughter and husband have with each other.  They are very close, joke around and sometimes she says's she knows who her real dad is.  For him, he sees her as his daughter.  The worse part since my husband and I've known each other is that in a short 9 years, we lost my Dad and Mother, his Dad and Mother, and my older sister who was taken away much to young.  Dying makes one think, we never know when our time will come and I suppose surgery brings those thoughts up. 

My heart is full of so much love for both of them and I don't want anything to happen to me in surgery.  I know they've both thought of it but tonight I finally had to say it....I told them if anything did happen to me I wanted them to be there for each other and take care of each other.  Can't help it, but I had to say it.  I needed them to know just how much I loved them.  I suppose these feelings are all normal.

Deep down I know I'm doing the best thing I can for myself.  I'm tired of not liking myself.  I'm tires of looking in the mirror and feeling disgust for the person I see looking back at me.  The nice part is they don't see my this way, but I do.  I want my life back, I want to love myself as much as my daughter and husband love me.

This is my new beginning, a second chance on life, a second chance of loving myself again and I'm going to make the most of! 

It's Sunday evening about 10:25 and I'm trying to decide if I want anything else to eat before midnight.  Tomorrow I'm on my 24 hour clear liquid diet before surgery.  My daughter asked me this morning if I was nervous.  I told her no, so far I'm really not nervous more anxious and excited.  I'll probably be a mixed bag of emotions Tuesday morning when I go to the hospital.  My daughter and husband will be with me and I'm so glad for their support.  I've got to get a list of phone numbers for my hubby to call after surgery.  Well, I think that's it for now.  I'm going to munch on something good for me before I go to bed. 

I went for my pre-op May 13th, which was my birthday.  I've decided this is the best birthday present I could ever give to myself.  I had to go to the hospital where my surgery will be done for my pre-op.  I had forgotten how much I dis-liked going there, not because of the test or people.  It's just the waiting.  I registered, sat down and waited for someone to call me to go over my insurance information.  Then went back to the waiting area to be called to have my blood work done.  My veins aren't the best to find in the first place, but the lady was very nice and finely got one this need little heat pack and kept rubbing it to activate the heat (helps the vein to pop up).  After that, back to the waiting area I thought to see the nurse.  Oh no, not the case.  Apparently they had forgotten they needed a urine sample, why, why, why couldn't they have done that while they had me back there to begin with.  That done, back to the waiting area for the nurse.  Finally, she called me back.  She was extremely nice, when over everything and talked about how many people have this surgery and how jealous she was.  I smiled and politely said you don't look like you need weight loss surgery to which she replied, well I'm up to 200 pounds.  Of course I smiled and the nice part of me     said you don't look like you weigh 200 pounds, which she didn't.  The not so nice part of me was thinking "I'd Kill Right Now to Weigh 200 Pounds".    Anyway, all is well and I'm on my way.  It's Friday, I'm at work smiling just to think of how my life is going to change.  I've been telling a few more people at work and everyone seems to know someone whose done this and how well they've done.  Off for the weekend, back to work Monday, then bright and early Tuesday morning I'll be at the hospital.  Better go for now.

Tomorrow's my birthday and my pre-op.  Happy 52nd to me!!  As I'm sitting here it's so hard to believe next week this time surgery will be over, hopefully in a private room so my husband and daughter can spend the night.  I feel this has been another chapter in my life getting to this point.  Since this journey began, I've done a lot of soul searching and I've discovered sometimes you have to look back, face feelings you tried to keep buried and deal with them or at least try to before you can move forward.  It's like dragging out old skeleton's from the closet and looking at them head on. 

I've blamed other people for my weight.  My mother who was always heavy herself who criticized me for being heavy.  Being made fun of by other relatives, especially a skinny older sister.  Alway's eating to feel loved because I loved food and it loved me.  I was married for a little over 3 years, we lived together for a while before that, but once he left when our daughter was a baby, I blamed him.  I blamed my mother-in-law at the time who I loved dearly and still do, but man could she cook.  I'm talking about good ole country cooking and I loved to eat her cooking.   Yeah she was to blame as well.

Looking back, it wasn't anyones fault but my own.  Well maybe my parents could have done a better job when I was young in establishing good food choices but I'm at fault with that as well with my own daughter.  I didn't choose well, and I'm so afraid at times she doesn't.  She's so beautiful and smart, so much smarter than I'd ever hope to be and I don't want her to rely on food as I did. 

I've had to accept the fact that no one did this to me but me.  You know that's something that's so hard to accept.  The feeling of failure, of letting myself down, of trying to hide myself from the world with food whenever something went wrong or I was feeling rejected.  Food is such a comfort, it never talks back, it never criticizes, sometimes it feels like it's the only friend you have.  Why oh why didn't I turn to something else like reading books, picking up hobbies.  Things I use to like to do, I gave up.  The more I ate the more I lost interest in things I once loved to do. 

At first I didn't want to tell anyone in my family except my husband, daughter and one of my niece's that I was going to have surgery.  I didn't want anyone else to know.  I felt ashamed, ashamed of how I neglected myself, sometimes looking into the mirror and thinking this isn't me, it isn't the person I know I really am.  I hate looking at my pictures, because I see a stranger, someone I haven't liked or even loved in sometime.  Sad isn't it?  Aren't we suppose to love ourselves?

Now, I think I've entered another phase of acceptance that I'm the one to blame, no one else, just me.  I've accepted that I can't do this alone and I needed help.  This surgery is going to be my tool to get my life back.  To re-discover the person I am, the one I buried down deep and covered it with food, the person who loved herself, who loved riding roller coasters.  I gave them up a long time ago because I was afraid I wouldn't fit.

As I said this has been another chapter and as I turn another page to start a new one I'm discovering I'm very proud of myself for taking this step.  Proud that I've finally admitted there wasn't anyone to blame but myself and take action to finally do something about it.  I'm finding that as each day goes by, I'm telling another co-worker and finding I'm not being judged, but getting encouragement.

This journey is just getting started.  Maybe a little late, but better than  never. 

We're back home from my daughter's graduation.  I'm a very proud Mom.  Probably have said it before but I'm saying it again.  Anyway, it was a nice trip to Boone, NC.  Weather was wonderful, nice and cool but not cold. .  My daughter's Dad and some of his family drove up for lunch on Sunday as well as my niece, nephew and their families came as well.  They only live about 1 hour away.   My niece from Atlanta came up and we took her around campus and the little town of Boone.  It was nice to see everyone.

The mountains were beautiful and from her apartment which is on the side of one mountain she has a beautiful view of the little town nestled in the valley.  Kind of hard to believe this was probably the last time seeing that view from there.  Anyway, I stayed on my less than 60 grams of carbs and lost 3 more pounds for a total of 17 in 3 weeks.  Can't wait for surgery to see what happens. 

Well, it's getting closer and closer and I seem to be getting more excited every day.  I've told a few more people, my hair dresser this evening.  You know you tell them just about everything.  Wasn't sure she'd understand, since she's about 22 and of course doesn't have a weight problem, but she was so excited.  Anyway, my 2 week pre-surgery diet started today.  No more than 60 carbs per day and  I didn't come close to that.  It really wasn't so bad.  I've been trying to slow myself down when I eat and trying to stop using a straw.  I think the straw is going to be my biggest problem or at least today I think it is. 

I'm up bright and early this Sunday morning.  This is my month, my birthday is the 13th which is also my pre-op day (Happy Birthday to me).  My surgery day is May 19th and I have to be at New Hanover Regional bright and early at 5:45.  I'm so excited.  Now, I know all this is important to me, but there is something I feel is just as important.  My daughter, one and only child is graduating from college May 10.  I know all mother's are proud of their children, but right now I feel as though I'm the proudest of all.  Looking back, I had to work very hard to get pregant like a lot of other women.  I was so thrilled when it finally happened.  One of the proudest moments in my life was when I looked at that beautiful little baby girl about 6 hours after delivery.  It was a emergency c-section and a long recovery.  My little baby girl has grown into a beautiful young woman.  It wasn't always easy as I've mentioned before her father left  a year after she was born.  Boy did he miss so much, but I cherished everything.  Graduation for her will be the close of one chapter in her life, but she'll be starting another chapter as a law student in the fall.  Again, I can't say enough of how proud of her I am and as she starts a new chapter in her life, I'm starting a new chapter in mine.  This is my month also, a new beginning, another chance on life, another chance to add many years to mine.  I want to see my daughter graduate from law school, to see her someday to fall in love to someone that will cherish her half as much as I do and to have a child someday that she'll love as much as I do her and who I can spoil rotten and send her or him back to mommy.