Freaking Out Over a Picture

Apr 12, 2012

 It is no wonder that WLS patients are at a high risk of depression after surgery. Despite all these great, life-affirming changes going on, some very fundamental things are changing.

How fundamental is a jaw line, you ask? Surprisingly fundamental. The shape of your face is a big trigger for recognition, so when I saw a picture of myself at my niece's birthday party that happened a month ago, I had a panic attack. I knew it was me. After all, I dressed myself that day, and I remember eating half of that mini cupcake. But I did not recognize ME. 

I got fat way back when the awkward puberty phase was ending. My features were a little boxy, and my skin was terrible. I remember having a too-big nose, too-small eyes and a pointy chin.  I have never seen myself looking like this. I didn't recognize my face. I kept asking my husband if that's how I really look or if it is just a weird picture. He said, no... that's how I look. 

I don't get it. I don't get how that could be me. I still feel so fat. My self-image is still as a morbidly obese person. I guess I didn't realize how anti-reality my perception really is until I saw that picture. I know it will take time, but right now, I feel like I'm in someone else's body. I spend at least ten minutes a day feeling my bones. I have a deep collarbone, and I had no idea my shoulder blades had such steep ridges. I'm still 25 pounds from goal, but if it wasn't for the areas of residual fat deposits, I'd feel positively gaunt. 

I had no idea that one could have sag wrinkles on one's saddle bags and butt. I've always had a big bubble butt, sure with cellulite, but with all the fat underneath, it was pretty smooth. Now I have wrinkles. On my BUTT. My inner thighs. Also looking like elephant legs or perhaps a Shar-Pei. My tummy is... hard to describe. There is still a good deal of fat there, but it's dropped into the pannus, or fat overhang with all the extra skin. But when I twist my torso, I can actually see muscle definition since I don't have much fat on my obliques anymore. My arms are the typical "bat-wing" situation, and my arm pits are getting deeper than I thought possible. I wear spanx high-waist undies when I dress up, just to smooth out some of the awkward bulges in the front that look out of place on my dinky body. And the neck waddle. I can't hide the neck waddle. 

I know there are changes. In my head, I see them. I guess I just don't identify them as MY changes. This body is changing. I'm 165 pounds, a perfectly respectable weight. I squeeze comfortably into a size 10 (only tight at the waistband). 

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