Crackintoes
It's coming...
Apr 24, 2012
Yep, my one year surgiversay is coming up on May 11th.
Let me get a little bit of a bitch session out of the way so that I can celebrate appropriately when the time comes.
I've been stuck bouncing between 188 and 194 pounds for about the past two months and the 188 was about a month ago; haven't seen it since. Today I'm at 191.6. I haven't really given it too much attention because my body is definitely changing and shrinking and muscle-ing up here and there. BTW...who knew there could actually be muscles in my ass cheeks!?! Amazing. Anyways, the running and extra sports I've picked up are definitely paying off body-wise but COME ON WITH THE SCALE ALREADY!!!!
Also, my son got pretty sick with pneumonia a couple of weeks ago and kindly passed it on to me. It'll be two weeks today since I've done any running other than a feable 6 minutes last Friday which sent me into a two hour coughing fit and off to the clinic the next morning to get some antibiotics. I've missed my learn to run group the past two Sundays and the two workout repeats that I'm supposed to do between Sundays. So I'm out of practice and have been left in the dust at 6 minutes running/2 minutes walking while they've moved on to 7/2 and 8/2. Truth be told, the 6/2 was a serious struggle the one and only time I was able to do it so I'm freaking out a bit about it. One of my pre-surgery goals was to run the 5K at the Ottawa Race Weekend and that's what I intend to do. I'm just going to have to accept that I need to work hard to get there over the next four weeks and that there's a possibility that I may have to walk some of it. BUT I WILL NOT QUIT!!! I'M DOING THE 5K IF IT KILLS ME. Speaking of killing me; it kills me that I struggle so hard for every minute that gets added to my runs and a girl in my office who's only run three times since last summer can just head out and run 14 KMs. WTF!?! I guess I have some ground to make up for all those years that the longest distance I ever ran was the 40 meters between softball bases.
Segway indeed.
Softball starts again on May 1st and although there's no arrangements for me to play yet, I am the head umpire for a non-profit youth association in my area. It's an extremely stressful couple of weeks and between that, a fundraising event that I was helping with last Saturday and being sick, I've been eating like crap. My protein has dropped considerably and my carbs have gone way up. I even messed up my vitamins a few times and that's something I never do. I can't wait until about May 5th when things should be running ticketty-boo and it'll be one more load off my mind. In the meantime, I think some food journalling may be a good idea. Accountability is a powerful motivator of change.
OK; bitch session over. Glad I got that off my chest. Hoping to do some pictures to post for my one year and to have some great news and less bitching too. I really do love my RNY.
Hope you're having a peaceful, healthy and successful journey.
C
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Let me get a little bit of a bitch session out of the way so that I can celebrate appropriately when the time comes.
I've been stuck bouncing between 188 and 194 pounds for about the past two months and the 188 was about a month ago; haven't seen it since. Today I'm at 191.6. I haven't really given it too much attention because my body is definitely changing and shrinking and muscle-ing up here and there. BTW...who knew there could actually be muscles in my ass cheeks!?! Amazing. Anyways, the running and extra sports I've picked up are definitely paying off body-wise but COME ON WITH THE SCALE ALREADY!!!!
Also, my son got pretty sick with pneumonia a couple of weeks ago and kindly passed it on to me. It'll be two weeks today since I've done any running other than a feable 6 minutes last Friday which sent me into a two hour coughing fit and off to the clinic the next morning to get some antibiotics. I've missed my learn to run group the past two Sundays and the two workout repeats that I'm supposed to do between Sundays. So I'm out of practice and have been left in the dust at 6 minutes running/2 minutes walking while they've moved on to 7/2 and 8/2. Truth be told, the 6/2 was a serious struggle the one and only time I was able to do it so I'm freaking out a bit about it. One of my pre-surgery goals was to run the 5K at the Ottawa Race Weekend and that's what I intend to do. I'm just going to have to accept that I need to work hard to get there over the next four weeks and that there's a possibility that I may have to walk some of it. BUT I WILL NOT QUIT!!! I'M DOING THE 5K IF IT KILLS ME. Speaking of killing me; it kills me that I struggle so hard for every minute that gets added to my runs and a girl in my office who's only run three times since last summer can just head out and run 14 KMs. WTF!?! I guess I have some ground to make up for all those years that the longest distance I ever ran was the 40 meters between softball bases.
Segway indeed.
Softball starts again on May 1st and although there's no arrangements for me to play yet, I am the head umpire for a non-profit youth association in my area. It's an extremely stressful couple of weeks and between that, a fundraising event that I was helping with last Saturday and being sick, I've been eating like crap. My protein has dropped considerably and my carbs have gone way up. I even messed up my vitamins a few times and that's something I never do. I can't wait until about May 5th when things should be running ticketty-boo and it'll be one more load off my mind. In the meantime, I think some food journalling may be a good idea. Accountability is a powerful motivator of change.
OK; bitch session over. Glad I got that off my chest. Hoping to do some pictures to post for my one year and to have some great news and less bitching too. I really do love my RNY.
Hope you're having a peaceful, healthy and successful journey.
C
Easter 2012 - NSV Weekend!!! (almost 11 months out)
Apr 08, 2012
I'm coming up on 11 months post-op but this has been one amazing weekend NSV-wise.
A clothing vendor directing me to move to the other racks as "this stuff is all plus sized". I'm not sure when it became inconceivable that I may fit into plus sized clothes but I nearly cried when this happened.
At that same place, I had to put back the size 18 and the size 16. I thought the size 14 looked really nice and was really excited that I had finally reached size 14 when a lady told me that I needed a smaller top. I didn't really believe her but gave it a shot. I fit beautifully into a size 12 for the first time since I was 10 years old (and I didn't even have my boobs back then! Actually, come to think of it, I barely have any boobs now but that's for another thread!)
Today, I completed my 7th week of a learn to run program and my 330th minute of running in those 7 weeks (making a lifetime total of 332 minutes running if we include the 8 buses I've chased over the years). Today, I ran for 6 minutes without having to stop and I can run for 24 of 32 minutes.
The best NSV of all was that after Easter dinner tonight, I got to play on the trampoline with my son. I've watched him on the trampoline often over the years and cheered him on but today I got in there. I showed him a few tricks, jumped for ages, barely broke a sweat, impressed myself, made him proud and laughed our asses off. Best surgery gift yet!!!
My head is still catching up to how much my life has changed and who I've become but until it does, I'm going to keep pretending that I'm a skinny/healthy girl. I love my RNY today.
Hope you had a nice Easter and if you were too tempted to resist the trappings of the holiday, just accept that you're human and start fresh tomorrow.
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A clothing vendor directing me to move to the other racks as "this stuff is all plus sized". I'm not sure when it became inconceivable that I may fit into plus sized clothes but I nearly cried when this happened.
At that same place, I had to put back the size 18 and the size 16. I thought the size 14 looked really nice and was really excited that I had finally reached size 14 when a lady told me that I needed a smaller top. I didn't really believe her but gave it a shot. I fit beautifully into a size 12 for the first time since I was 10 years old (and I didn't even have my boobs back then! Actually, come to think of it, I barely have any boobs now but that's for another thread!)
Today, I completed my 7th week of a learn to run program and my 330th minute of running in those 7 weeks (making a lifetime total of 332 minutes running if we include the 8 buses I've chased over the years). Today, I ran for 6 minutes without having to stop and I can run for 24 of 32 minutes.
The best NSV of all was that after Easter dinner tonight, I got to play on the trampoline with my son. I've watched him on the trampoline often over the years and cheered him on but today I got in there. I showed him a few tricks, jumped for ages, barely broke a sweat, impressed myself, made him proud and laughed our asses off. Best surgery gift yet!!!
My head is still catching up to how much my life has changed and who I've become but until it does, I'm going to keep pretending that I'm a skinny/healthy girl. I love my RNY today.
Hope you had a nice Easter and if you were too tempted to resist the trappings of the holiday, just accept that you're human and start fresh tomorrow.
Surgery gave me...life!
Mar 04, 2012
Hi
I haven't been on in a while. Amazing how I started taking care of me and next thing I know, I'm not sitting in front of the computer 5 hours/day. I hesitate to start writing this blog because it's 10:36pm and I've been wanting to head up to bed for over an hour but just wanted to catch up a bit.
So I'm almost 10 months post-surgery and I'm down 111lbs. I'm about 20 from my goal weight. The scale has been really tricky this past couple of months so I haven't been getting on it very often. I'll get on one day and be down two pounds and get on it the next week and have those two pounds back plus another. It's fluctuating up and down but I'm not one bit concerned because I can see/feel it in my clothes that I'm still going in the right direction. I can officially shop in normal stores and to my incredible amazement, the store I've been doing a great deal of shopping at is SportsMart & SportsCheck. WTF!?!!?! Who'd a thunk it!?! :)
I went on a bit of a spree at one of their store closeout sales so I've got my golf balls for this summer, my first pair of roller-blades ever (I used to roller skate as a kid but the blade thing is different. I also got a pair of these for my boy so I can drag him out with me). I got a beautiful tennis racquet. (I don't know if I mentioned in another blog but I took a tennis course with another member this summer and I'm absolutely hooked!!! I love it.). I also got three pairs of running shoes. Pre-surgery, I had one pair of $14 Walmart running shoes that I'd had for about 5 years. Now I'm one of those crazy people who buys the really pricy pairs (but always make sure I get a good deal! eg. $170 pair for $75...)
Anyways, for the winter months I've taken up playing volleyball (LOVE, LOVE, LOVE) and badminton (like but still not great and playing with a very competitive bunch) and also working towards my goal of running the 5K in Ottawa Race Weekend in May. I started with a walking club in November and a learn to run club that started three weeks ago. We get together on Sundays and we repeat that week's challenge 2-3 times/week on our own between Sundays. I'm not fully convinced that I'll be able to run the full 5K but I'm going to give it my best. So far I've been able to keep right up with the running club and that in itself is amazing so who knows...maybe I'll be able to silence the lying voice inside that keeps trying to tell me "I can't". I'm feeling really quite proud of myself for today. That's a new feeling for sure.
Other than that, I do some ice skating and swimming with by son and do a lot more cooking/eating at home that we ever have in his 9-years.
I've had a few health issues. I've developped reactive hypoglycemia and I'm also having some pretty severe bouts of dizziness and vertigo (which it turns out are different things). Not sure if that's surgery related or not but I just took off a holter monitor today after 48 hours (it's like an ecg that you wear for 48 hours). Of course, I didn't have any symptoms while I was wearing it!!! The other two consults I'm waiting on in this investigation process is ENT as it may be ear related and Vascular as (and I think this is the true cause) it may be related to restricted blood flow at the back of my neck. The vertigo is pretty brutal when it strikes and can knock me on my ass for a day or two but fortunately it's only happened four or five times. Fingers crossed that it just works itself out while I wait to see the other specialists.
Other than that and trying to be vigilant with my diet and food choices, things are pretty fantastic. I've joined a psycho-educational group that's offered through the WMC to try to deal with some of the issues that don't get removed surgically (denial, self-talk, etc) but to be honest, I'm finding it...meh! Most of the people in the group seem really closed off and one of the two group moderators/leaders (a very young and obviously inexperienced psychologist) is not helping matters with her anal-retentive approach. Her nervousness and tension is not conducive to having folks open up. Oh well, if nothing else, I've learned a few things and I can be grateful how far I've come already with the head stuff.
I didn't realize how severely at the time but I was really quite isolated physically, mentally and spiritually by the baggage I carried. It's so amazing to rejoin society and feel proud of my efforts and accomplishments. Every day isn't roses but I feel so lucky and blessed.
Damn...I knew if I started I'd never shut up!!!! It's now 11:03 and I've got to get to bed. Sunday is a very heavy day for me and sadly it's followed by Monday so I best get some good sleep.
Wishing you all happy and healthy days ahead.
C
A week of victories
Aug 22, 2011
I'm 102 days post-surgery and it's been a really incredible week NSV-wise.
On day 99 I woke up at the Civic from a sleep study which confirmed that I no longer have to sleep with my CPAP anymore.
On day 99 I took my son to Calypso (the largest theme water park in North America) and had so much fun. I never once felt self-conscience or thought that people were looking at me or making jokes about me. I never would have stepped foot in that park three month ago that alone have an absolute blast.
On day 100 (when I previously would have been slothing around the house because of a combination of shame and lack of energy) I went to a gathering at a cottage in honour of a good friend visiting from out of town and then over to another gathering at Fitzroy Provincial Park for a good friends' wedding reception. We were out having fun (between drives) from 08h00 and never got home until 23h00.
And on day 102 I did my Monday weigh in and I'm over halfway to my goal at a little over three months out!!!
Oh, I almost forgot to mention this one because I'm not sure if it's a victory or a pain in the butt. My friend Karen gave me a big bunch of beautiful clothes a couple of weeks ago and I've truly enjoyed wearing some of them but it appears I've already shrunk past most of them and I'm back to having a hard time getting dressed for work in the morning. Oh well, there are far worse problems. So I'll celebrate the fact that I was busting out the seems in my size 24 and struggling to find 26s and this past week I fit beautifully into a size 18.
Other than being totally obsessed with what and when I'm eating and drinking, I feel pretty fantastic.
Four more work days until I'm on holidays for 11 days. Looking forward to it and actually hoping it stays warm enough to spend lots of time at the beach and on the water.
Take care all.
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On day 99 I woke up at the Civic from a sleep study which confirmed that I no longer have to sleep with my CPAP anymore.
On day 99 I took my son to Calypso (the largest theme water park in North America) and had so much fun. I never once felt self-conscience or thought that people were looking at me or making jokes about me. I never would have stepped foot in that park three month ago that alone have an absolute blast.
On day 100 (when I previously would have been slothing around the house because of a combination of shame and lack of energy) I went to a gathering at a cottage in honour of a good friend visiting from out of town and then over to another gathering at Fitzroy Provincial Park for a good friends' wedding reception. We were out having fun (between drives) from 08h00 and never got home until 23h00.
And on day 102 I did my Monday weigh in and I'm over halfway to my goal at a little over three months out!!!
Oh, I almost forgot to mention this one because I'm not sure if it's a victory or a pain in the butt. My friend Karen gave me a big bunch of beautiful clothes a couple of weeks ago and I've truly enjoyed wearing some of them but it appears I've already shrunk past most of them and I'm back to having a hard time getting dressed for work in the morning. Oh well, there are far worse problems. So I'll celebrate the fact that I was busting out the seems in my size 24 and struggling to find 26s and this past week I fit beautifully into a size 18.
Other than being totally obsessed with what and when I'm eating and drinking, I feel pretty fantastic.
Four more work days until I'm on holidays for 11 days. Looking forward to it and actually hoping it stays warm enough to spend lots of time at the beach and on the water.
Take care all.
Life on life's terms
Jul 11, 2011
I haven't blogged in awhile so this is a long catch up...be warned!!! 
I went back to work a few weeks ago and it took a few days but I managed to get into a decent routine as far as eating and drinking at regular intervals. I'm finding it REALLY challenging to space out food and liquids. (I'm a girl who consumed water all day long and certainly never finished a meal without drinking at least 6-8 oz of liquids.)
Then last week I went on vacation with my son for 6 days in Cambridge and Toronto. We had to attend a Canada Day party with all of it's trappings (beer, chips, 7 layer dip, bbq hot dogs/hamburgs, potato salad...) and a wedding with it's buffet crap (mac & cheese, chicken nuggets, cabbage rolls, cheese & crackers, dinner rolls, mashed potatoes, candied carrots... and then tons of wedding cake and various kinds of other deserts/bars, peanuts, chips, fruit & veggie platters... not to mention everyone enjoying beer and cocktails. The social aspect of food really sunk in. So much revolves around eating.
It was really hard to manage my diet on vacation because the hotels I booked never had a fridge in them and it was about 700 degrees outside so I couldn't keep stuff in my car. I basically survived on SF, Lactose F Starbucks and chicken breasts chopped up from various places I found. I'd place the 3/4 of the chicken I hadn't eaten on the air conditioner every night hoping to have it the next day but always ended up too scared/smart to chance eating it and getting sick. The other thing that made it hard was a schedule that was out of whack. We were staying up late and sleeping until at least 9:30-10 every morning (super late for us) as well as visiting attractions, etc. So I'd get up and find the nearest Starbucks and then take the boy for something to eat and by the time he was done eating it was time for me to eat... it was tough. Essentially, I did not consume enough calories and definitely didn't consume enough protein!
Got back from vacation and back on track for two days and then weighed myself. I had my first 'stall'. In fact, I'd gained .6 of a pound. Ugh!!! That was this past Thursday.
Then I had to umpire our year-end softball tournament Friday night and all day Sat & Sun. I'm the head ump for our league and most of my umps were away on holidays so I ended up doing the plate on 9 games over the weekend. Most of the games were back to back with very little time in between. Again, it was challenging to get food in given the little bit of time between games and also because I needed to be drinking constantly to avoid dehydration. It was 29 celcius + the humidex here on Saturday (and about the same on Sunday) and I was standing in the blazing sun in long black pants, black socks and full shoes with a chest pad and a face mask on. Can you say sweaty!?! All bitching aside, I do love umping those little kids. They're so cute!!!
For those that don't know, 9 games is alot and I was worried whether my body would hold up through the weekend. Then add the weather consideration and I had my brother on emergency standby to fill in if I couldn't move anymore. I'm thrilled to report that Mother Nature sent a nice breeze and I managed to hang in there no problem. My body hung in there better than I ever expected. I was pretty sore when I got home at 9pm on Saturday (mostly my feet) so I had some chili and went and soaked in a hot bath. That was really nice. I hadn't had a bath in about two years. The nicest surprise was that I no longer create a dam in the tub...the water can actually flow by me when I'm draining the tub. There's actually a bit of room on both sides of me. Also, I had no problems getting my big butt up when I was done. Quelle surprise! :)
Next observation: I've been wondering if all the hair I was losing was just in my head (pun not intended), as I was trying to buy into the fact that I'm too early out to be losing hair and 'this is normal lossage that seems excessive because my hair hasn't been this long in about 8 years'. I see this morning that I was blowing smoke up mine own tooshy. I've got a pretty bad burn on my head for the first time in my life. I'm definitely thinning out.
Another side effect of being so busy this weekend is that I was afraid to need an emergency BM while in the middle of a game so I stopped taking my stool softeners on Friday. Did I ever pay for that this morning!!!!
Felt like I was trying to push a pine tree through a wedding ring, backwards!!! My butts been telling me about it all day. I've never had a hemorroid so I'm not sure what that feels like but I'm beginning to wonder if it's another joyous symptom I'm having the opportunity to experience.
I woke up this morning with a lot of doubt about whether I've made a big mistake having this surgery. I have moments of wondering if I'm going to be able to manage this lifestyle (especially the liquid/food separation thing...that one really challenges me) as regular life gets in the way but the truth is that I have no choice; it's done now. I made the choice and I'm determined not to fail. Maybe I need to cut myself a break and not be so hard on myself. I'm sure I'll get used to it all eventually. In the mean time, I don't have to like it; I just have to do it. The truth is that I can't say that I'm at that point where I'm ready to say that 'my only regret was not doing it sooner' but I'm praying that I'm heading in that direction.
Today is Monday and I know I've not been getting enough protein in so I treated myself to a filet mignon. I was too exhausted after my long hot weekend to go to The Keg so I got it take out. I ate about 3 oz of filet, a tsp of garlic mashed and a small piece of cauliflower. I've packed up the rest for lunch tomorrow. Probably won't finish it then either so may stretch it into three meals.
Got on the scale again tonight after stuffing my face and dumping my bowels (again) and I'm down 5 lbs since Thursday. I wonder how much of that is dehydration though. We'll see next week when I've got myself back on track and weigh myself again.
This blog seems to have focussed alot on the negative so just a few last thoughts to end on a positive note. I got a dress from one of the support group clothing swaps that was just beautiful but I was a 24/26 at the time and the dress was a 20. I wondered if I'd shrink quick enough to be able to wear it to the wedding. I did (almost too much even...I think it's mis-sized). I looked and felt beautiful for my friend's 10 wedding anniversary/vow renewal wedding thingie. I received many compliments on the dress and will get it cleaned and pass it on to the next beautiful woman on this journey.
The other big surprise while I was away was that my summer clothes were all getting a bit too saggy so I hit a Walmart and was so shocked and thrilled when I fit comfortably into size 20 shorts. 20!!!
I'm counting the time until I can fit into 'normal' clothes but for now WOOOHOOOO size 20!!! 
Have a great week.
Shoot!!! That reminds me, it's two months today that I had surgery!!! I should be taking my 2 months out pics. I'm still wiped out so it's going to have to wait until tomorrow. Give me one extra day to shrink. LOL!
2 comments
I went back to work a few weeks ago and it took a few days but I managed to get into a decent routine as far as eating and drinking at regular intervals. I'm finding it REALLY challenging to space out food and liquids. (I'm a girl who consumed water all day long and certainly never finished a meal without drinking at least 6-8 oz of liquids.)
Then last week I went on vacation with my son for 6 days in Cambridge and Toronto. We had to attend a Canada Day party with all of it's trappings (beer, chips, 7 layer dip, bbq hot dogs/hamburgs, potato salad...) and a wedding with it's buffet crap (mac & cheese, chicken nuggets, cabbage rolls, cheese & crackers, dinner rolls, mashed potatoes, candied carrots... and then tons of wedding cake and various kinds of other deserts/bars, peanuts, chips, fruit & veggie platters... not to mention everyone enjoying beer and cocktails. The social aspect of food really sunk in. So much revolves around eating.
It was really hard to manage my diet on vacation because the hotels I booked never had a fridge in them and it was about 700 degrees outside so I couldn't keep stuff in my car. I basically survived on SF, Lactose F Starbucks and chicken breasts chopped up from various places I found. I'd place the 3/4 of the chicken I hadn't eaten on the air conditioner every night hoping to have it the next day but always ended up too scared/smart to chance eating it and getting sick. The other thing that made it hard was a schedule that was out of whack. We were staying up late and sleeping until at least 9:30-10 every morning (super late for us) as well as visiting attractions, etc. So I'd get up and find the nearest Starbucks and then take the boy for something to eat and by the time he was done eating it was time for me to eat... it was tough. Essentially, I did not consume enough calories and definitely didn't consume enough protein!
Got back from vacation and back on track for two days and then weighed myself. I had my first 'stall'. In fact, I'd gained .6 of a pound. Ugh!!! That was this past Thursday.
Then I had to umpire our year-end softball tournament Friday night and all day Sat & Sun. I'm the head ump for our league and most of my umps were away on holidays so I ended up doing the plate on 9 games over the weekend. Most of the games were back to back with very little time in between. Again, it was challenging to get food in given the little bit of time between games and also because I needed to be drinking constantly to avoid dehydration. It was 29 celcius + the humidex here on Saturday (and about the same on Sunday) and I was standing in the blazing sun in long black pants, black socks and full shoes with a chest pad and a face mask on. Can you say sweaty!?! All bitching aside, I do love umping those little kids. They're so cute!!!
For those that don't know, 9 games is alot and I was worried whether my body would hold up through the weekend. Then add the weather consideration and I had my brother on emergency standby to fill in if I couldn't move anymore. I'm thrilled to report that Mother Nature sent a nice breeze and I managed to hang in there no problem. My body hung in there better than I ever expected. I was pretty sore when I got home at 9pm on Saturday (mostly my feet) so I had some chili and went and soaked in a hot bath. That was really nice. I hadn't had a bath in about two years. The nicest surprise was that I no longer create a dam in the tub...the water can actually flow by me when I'm draining the tub. There's actually a bit of room on both sides of me. Also, I had no problems getting my big butt up when I was done. Quelle surprise! :)
Next observation: I've been wondering if all the hair I was losing was just in my head (pun not intended), as I was trying to buy into the fact that I'm too early out to be losing hair and 'this is normal lossage that seems excessive because my hair hasn't been this long in about 8 years'. I see this morning that I was blowing smoke up mine own tooshy. I've got a pretty bad burn on my head for the first time in my life. I'm definitely thinning out.
Another side effect of being so busy this weekend is that I was afraid to need an emergency BM while in the middle of a game so I stopped taking my stool softeners on Friday. Did I ever pay for that this morning!!!!
Felt like I was trying to push a pine tree through a wedding ring, backwards!!! My butts been telling me about it all day. I've never had a hemorroid so I'm not sure what that feels like but I'm beginning to wonder if it's another joyous symptom I'm having the opportunity to experience.I woke up this morning with a lot of doubt about whether I've made a big mistake having this surgery. I have moments of wondering if I'm going to be able to manage this lifestyle (especially the liquid/food separation thing...that one really challenges me) as regular life gets in the way but the truth is that I have no choice; it's done now. I made the choice and I'm determined not to fail. Maybe I need to cut myself a break and not be so hard on myself. I'm sure I'll get used to it all eventually. In the mean time, I don't have to like it; I just have to do it. The truth is that I can't say that I'm at that point where I'm ready to say that 'my only regret was not doing it sooner' but I'm praying that I'm heading in that direction.
Today is Monday and I know I've not been getting enough protein in so I treated myself to a filet mignon. I was too exhausted after my long hot weekend to go to The Keg so I got it take out. I ate about 3 oz of filet, a tsp of garlic mashed and a small piece of cauliflower. I've packed up the rest for lunch tomorrow. Probably won't finish it then either so may stretch it into three meals.
Got on the scale again tonight after stuffing my face and dumping my bowels (again) and I'm down 5 lbs since Thursday. I wonder how much of that is dehydration though. We'll see next week when I've got myself back on track and weigh myself again.
This blog seems to have focussed alot on the negative so just a few last thoughts to end on a positive note. I got a dress from one of the support group clothing swaps that was just beautiful but I was a 24/26 at the time and the dress was a 20. I wondered if I'd shrink quick enough to be able to wear it to the wedding. I did (almost too much even...I think it's mis-sized). I looked and felt beautiful for my friend's 10 wedding anniversary/vow renewal wedding thingie. I received many compliments on the dress and will get it cleaned and pass it on to the next beautiful woman on this journey.
The other big surprise while I was away was that my summer clothes were all getting a bit too saggy so I hit a Walmart and was so shocked and thrilled when I fit comfortably into size 20 shorts. 20!!!
I'm counting the time until I can fit into 'normal' clothes but for now WOOOHOOOO size 20!!! Have a great week.
Shoot!!! That reminds me, it's two months today that I had surgery!!! I should be taking my 2 months out pics. I'm still wiped out so it's going to have to wait until tomorrow. Give me one extra day to shrink. LOL!
1 month post-op with photos (cross-posted to Ontario Forum)
Jun 11, 2011
Yep...I had my surgery one month ago on May 11th at 11:00 and was arriving in my room right about now.
It was a rough start for a couple of weeks but I'm cruising now. Incision finally stopped leaking last weekend and the things I begged for while I felt like I was dying have happened. I'm able to sleep on my side. I can bend over without pain or hesitation. I'm able to do a respectable amount of walking without any pain (20 minutes of brisk walking on the treadmill twice/day). I'm able to do my own laundry, shopping and cooking again. And I'm dying to ride a bike, swim and break out into a job on my treadmill. In short, I'm back to feeling human and definitely more motivated than ever.
I lost 23 lbs on Optifast and I'm down a total of 45 lbs all together. I'm over a quarter of the way there and praying I've got enough information, inspiration and will power to take it all the way. God willing, I CAN do this!!!
I took some pictures today and when I looked at them, I felt like they didn't really reflect how loose my clothes have become and how good I feel but then I looked at my pre-surgery pictures and can really see a difference. It's clear evidence of why we're encouraged to take these pictures along the way and a practice I intend to continue.
Here's a couple of the pictures but be warned... I'm nearly naked and still morbidly obese.
I only have the cajones to paste these because I know I'll never look like this again (and you can't see my whole face; just one of my chins). 
I'm nearly naked is because I figured that was going to be the best way to see the changes and also because I always wondered about the excess skin thing and could never find any pics so I'm documenting. In hindsight, spandex shorts may have been a good idea but what the heck. 
These pictures certainly don't instill pride but they're definitely evidence that I'm headed in the right direction and to me, that makes them worth celebrating. 
303 lbs
257 lbs
303 lbs
257 lbs
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It was a rough start for a couple of weeks but I'm cruising now. Incision finally stopped leaking last weekend and the things I begged for while I felt like I was dying have happened. I'm able to sleep on my side. I can bend over without pain or hesitation. I'm able to do a respectable amount of walking without any pain (20 minutes of brisk walking on the treadmill twice/day). I'm able to do my own laundry, shopping and cooking again. And I'm dying to ride a bike, swim and break out into a job on my treadmill. In short, I'm back to feeling human and definitely more motivated than ever.
I lost 23 lbs on Optifast and I'm down a total of 45 lbs all together. I'm over a quarter of the way there and praying I've got enough information, inspiration and will power to take it all the way. God willing, I CAN do this!!!
I took some pictures today and when I looked at them, I felt like they didn't really reflect how loose my clothes have become and how good I feel but then I looked at my pre-surgery pictures and can really see a difference. It's clear evidence of why we're encouraged to take these pictures along the way and a practice I intend to continue.
Here's a couple of the pictures but be warned... I'm nearly naked and still morbidly obese.
I only have the cajones to paste these because I know I'll never look like this again (and you can't see my whole face; just one of my chins). I'm nearly naked is because I figured that was going to be the best way to see the changes and also because I always wondered about the excess skin thing and could never find any pics so I'm documenting. In hindsight, spandex shorts may have been a good idea but what the heck. These pictures certainly don't instill pride but they're definitely evidence that I'm headed in the right direction and to me, that makes them worth celebrating. 303 lbs
257 lbs
303 lbs
257 lbs
What have I done!?! (Negative waves)
Jun 04, 2011
I'm sitting here on the verge of tears. I'm feeling really overwhelmed and thinking I may not have been ready for this. It's been lingering for the past few days as I continue to struggle with pain and an incision that continues to leak. I read (and posted without response) on a thread this morning titled "walking early out" and it put me to tears. There are people who are about a week out who are walking 2+miles a day. Some walk for over an hour more than once a day. I go for a 20 minute walk every morning and it kills me. I've gotten my cadence up so it's almost power-walk speed (when I start) but by the 15 minute mark, I'm pushing myself through the pain and at 20 minutes I'm back to limping and heading for the couch to ache for a few hours. I'm so sad. This can't be normal. I'm dying to get in the pool as well but my freakin' incinsion is still leaking. Muscle training? Forget it, I still can't carry a bag of milk without feeling it and bending down to pick stuff up off the ground also causes pain.
The food is freaking me out too. I read threads and see all these recipes and there's soooooo much there I don't like (broccolli, raw mushrooms, spinach...) not to mention stuff I've never seen in person (quinoa, edamame, couscous, anything with beans, stevia...). I'm not much of a cook to begin with so I don't know how I'm supposed to find these things and learn how to make 'em good and healthy. I feel like I need to hire someone to come and teach me how to make some stuff to save my life.
I'm also having a very hard time with the current diet. Essentially I'm surviving on a disgusting protein drink that I choke down every day to get 25 gr of protein and usually a protein water as well for an extra 15 gr. Other than that, I've been eating cottage cheese, laughing cow cheese, apple sause, sf pudding, greek yogurt (yuck!) & sf popsicles. My latest additions this week have been cottled egg whites, tuna, & Source yogurt parfaits. Out of desperation in the last two days, I've also successfully tested the waters by chewing a few almonds, two pieces or romaine lettuce and some chicken breast. I chew them to paste and they go down ok but I worry that maybe I shouldn't be doing that yet but I don't know. Just because it will go in doesn't mean it should but the guidelines are so non-specific. I'm not even sure if I should be eating the tuna yet!?!
I don't know what else to eat but I know that I'm sick of eating what I'm eating and I'm scared of where I'm going to go from here.
I've been craving bread like crazy and thinking about chip truck french fries and pizza and... it's driving me crazy and causing me anxiety that I'm going to fuck this up the second I can eat these things. Ironically, not a thought about chocolate or cookies which were always my biggest downfall. I'm sure that'll come.
This morning I made my son and I some scrambled egg whites for breakfast and some toast for him. My addiction got the best of me and I took a bite of his toast. Of course, it went down no problem. This is sooooooo scary for me. I'm now filled with fear and anxiety that I've made the wrong choice because I don't seem to be mentally prepared to use my tool properly and not being able to get out and move around like I'd like to is really contributing to the fear. I would rather be out exercising and keeping busy than sitting in the house surrounded by things I shouldn't eat.
I'm thinking I better call the clinic and see about talking to the therapist but I suspect that he is fully booked with pre-surgery patients.
Going back to work should help too but I'm off for one more week and then on modified for two weeks after that until I go in for my 6 week follow up.
I pray that this too shall pass and that I'm able to find or develop the additional tools to make this a successful journey but at the moment I really feel like I may have made the wrong decision to go ahead with this surgery and that I'm destined to fail. That's not a good place to be. Where's my pink cloud!?!
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The food is freaking me out too. I read threads and see all these recipes and there's soooooo much there I don't like (broccolli, raw mushrooms, spinach...) not to mention stuff I've never seen in person (quinoa, edamame, couscous, anything with beans, stevia...). I'm not much of a cook to begin with so I don't know how I'm supposed to find these things and learn how to make 'em good and healthy. I feel like I need to hire someone to come and teach me how to make some stuff to save my life.
I'm also having a very hard time with the current diet. Essentially I'm surviving on a disgusting protein drink that I choke down every day to get 25 gr of protein and usually a protein water as well for an extra 15 gr. Other than that, I've been eating cottage cheese, laughing cow cheese, apple sause, sf pudding, greek yogurt (yuck!) & sf popsicles. My latest additions this week have been cottled egg whites, tuna, & Source yogurt parfaits. Out of desperation in the last two days, I've also successfully tested the waters by chewing a few almonds, two pieces or romaine lettuce and some chicken breast. I chew them to paste and they go down ok but I worry that maybe I shouldn't be doing that yet but I don't know. Just because it will go in doesn't mean it should but the guidelines are so non-specific. I'm not even sure if I should be eating the tuna yet!?!
I don't know what else to eat but I know that I'm sick of eating what I'm eating and I'm scared of where I'm going to go from here.
I've been craving bread like crazy and thinking about chip truck french fries and pizza and... it's driving me crazy and causing me anxiety that I'm going to fuck this up the second I can eat these things. Ironically, not a thought about chocolate or cookies which were always my biggest downfall. I'm sure that'll come.
This morning I made my son and I some scrambled egg whites for breakfast and some toast for him. My addiction got the best of me and I took a bite of his toast. Of course, it went down no problem. This is sooooooo scary for me. I'm now filled with fear and anxiety that I've made the wrong choice because I don't seem to be mentally prepared to use my tool properly and not being able to get out and move around like I'd like to is really contributing to the fear. I would rather be out exercising and keeping busy than sitting in the house surrounded by things I shouldn't eat.
I'm thinking I better call the clinic and see about talking to the therapist but I suspect that he is fully booked with pre-surgery patients.
Going back to work should help too but I'm off for one more week and then on modified for two weeks after that until I go in for my 6 week follow up.
I pray that this too shall pass and that I'm able to find or develop the additional tools to make this a successful journey but at the moment I really feel like I may have made the wrong decision to go ahead with this surgery and that I'm destined to fail. That's not a good place to be. Where's my pink cloud!?!
Not what I bargained for...
May 24, 2011
Well, I've been pretty quiet because things aren't going as I thought they would. I've experienced a great amount of pain since the day I woke up from surgery. The scary thing is that it's getting worse instead of better. I feel like I was in better shape on day two in the hospital than I am today. The pain is incredibly unbearable. It often brings me to tears. The pain changed a little bit as of yesterday. Now, not only do I have the ripping, tearing, aching muscle pain but the latest is that it feels like my skin is on fire alot of the time. I need to hold my clothes off of my tummy or it starts burning.
I'm going into my second week on narcotic pain killers. Being a recovering addict, this concerns me greatly. They discharged me from the hospital on May 13 with 1mg Dilaudid/4 hours (as needed) and liquid Tylenol/4 hours. I tried to ditch the Dilaudid early on by not taking it on day four but I only got to about the 6th hour and couldn't move or anything. I came to the realization that just because I'm a recovering addict does not mean that I need to suffer needlessly. I decided that i would follow the dosing as prescribed until there was no more pain. There has not been 'no more pain'. In fact, it's getting worse.
On Friday, May 20 I went to my follow-up appointment with the Advanced Practice Nurse (Sue Allen) and also met with the Dietician. She indicated that some people suffer greater muscle/nerve trauma in surgery and some take longer to heal than others. She also mentioned that Dilaudid did not always work for everyone and prescribed me Tramaset to get me through the weekend. The Rx instructions were 1-2 tablets every 6 hours, as necessary. I started with one pill. About two hours later, I decided to add a second pill. I finally felt a little bit of relief. My pain was down to about 50%. Six hours later, I was aching again and well ready for the next dose. I took two tablets. It was the first time I almost felt normal since surgery. I actually slept through the night too. Sadly, when I woke up the next morning and got out of bed, it felt like somebody had ripped my guts out and set them on fire again. I took two Tramaset but it did very little. I suffered for six hours and took two more. This time it took about 10% off my pain. So frustrating. By Sunday, I could barely move and had been in a great deal of pain all weekend. I headed to Emerg Sunday night and got there at about 8:30pm. They hit me at about 11pm with some Dilaudid and again, I felt a little bit of relief. It only lasted about two hours. They decided to hit me again after the CT Scan with what the doctor called "a real dose" saying the first dose was "kind of lightweight". Holy hell, they stoned me out of my tree. I was dizzy and racing and really yucky but the pain was 90% gone. TAAAAAAAAADAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
That was the good news. The bad news is that the CT revealed nothing. The emerg doctor parroted what the APN at the clinic said... greater muscle/nerve damage, longer healing... and that he believes that I was under-dosed on pain meds. Yep, under-dosed!!! He sent me home with 2mg Dilaudid/4 hours. I just can't believe it. That I'm 13 days out of surgery and I'm receiving a larger medication dose than most people are discharged with. I can't believe that this ridiculous amount of pain that these increased pain meds doesn't seem to be able to numb is just normal and there's nothing wrong. Something has to be wrong. I have a pretty high pain tolerance and this has me a mess.
The spin-off of all of this is that I have an 8-year-old son with Aspergers and ADHD who has had a "lame mom" for two weeks. We expected a few days but that poor boy was in tears begging me to play Lego with him yesterday. It's still rings in my mind and brings me to tears: "Please Mom, I'm begging you. I can't take it anymore. Please, please play with me."
I had my brother take him out yesterday for a few hours but he still seemed depressed when he got back. One of the big reasons I had this surgery to be able to do more with my son, so this is tanamount to torture for both of us.
The other spin-off is a great fear that I'm falling behind. Some days I can barely move. I do my best to make sure I get out for at least one walk a day but they're slow and short walks (about 250 meters) and I always come back aching (stomach and back). I feel like I should be doing so much more by now and that I'm going to have even more trouble with loose skin. I already knew loose skin would be an issue for me but I don't think I could have found a better way to make it worse. I want to get going. I want to get moving. I want to be able to touch the floor and wipe my ass without searing pain. (TMI!)
I'm fed up of being in pain and fed up of being a lump. I can't wait for this to be done so that I can move forward in my journey because at the moment, I feel stuck and it's really starting to mess with my mind.
3 comments
I'm going into my second week on narcotic pain killers. Being a recovering addict, this concerns me greatly. They discharged me from the hospital on May 13 with 1mg Dilaudid/4 hours (as needed) and liquid Tylenol/4 hours. I tried to ditch the Dilaudid early on by not taking it on day four but I only got to about the 6th hour and couldn't move or anything. I came to the realization that just because I'm a recovering addict does not mean that I need to suffer needlessly. I decided that i would follow the dosing as prescribed until there was no more pain. There has not been 'no more pain'. In fact, it's getting worse.
On Friday, May 20 I went to my follow-up appointment with the Advanced Practice Nurse (Sue Allen) and also met with the Dietician. She indicated that some people suffer greater muscle/nerve trauma in surgery and some take longer to heal than others. She also mentioned that Dilaudid did not always work for everyone and prescribed me Tramaset to get me through the weekend. The Rx instructions were 1-2 tablets every 6 hours, as necessary. I started with one pill. About two hours later, I decided to add a second pill. I finally felt a little bit of relief. My pain was down to about 50%. Six hours later, I was aching again and well ready for the next dose. I took two tablets. It was the first time I almost felt normal since surgery. I actually slept through the night too. Sadly, when I woke up the next morning and got out of bed, it felt like somebody had ripped my guts out and set them on fire again. I took two Tramaset but it did very little. I suffered for six hours and took two more. This time it took about 10% off my pain. So frustrating. By Sunday, I could barely move and had been in a great deal of pain all weekend. I headed to Emerg Sunday night and got there at about 8:30pm. They hit me at about 11pm with some Dilaudid and again, I felt a little bit of relief. It only lasted about two hours. They decided to hit me again after the CT Scan with what the doctor called "a real dose" saying the first dose was "kind of lightweight". Holy hell, they stoned me out of my tree. I was dizzy and racing and really yucky but the pain was 90% gone. TAAAAAAAAADAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
That was the good news. The bad news is that the CT revealed nothing. The emerg doctor parroted what the APN at the clinic said... greater muscle/nerve damage, longer healing... and that he believes that I was under-dosed on pain meds. Yep, under-dosed!!! He sent me home with 2mg Dilaudid/4 hours. I just can't believe it. That I'm 13 days out of surgery and I'm receiving a larger medication dose than most people are discharged with. I can't believe that this ridiculous amount of pain that these increased pain meds doesn't seem to be able to numb is just normal and there's nothing wrong. Something has to be wrong. I have a pretty high pain tolerance and this has me a mess.
The spin-off of all of this is that I have an 8-year-old son with Aspergers and ADHD who has had a "lame mom" for two weeks. We expected a few days but that poor boy was in tears begging me to play Lego with him yesterday. It's still rings in my mind and brings me to tears: "Please Mom, I'm begging you. I can't take it anymore. Please, please play with me."
I had my brother take him out yesterday for a few hours but he still seemed depressed when he got back. One of the big reasons I had this surgery to be able to do more with my son, so this is tanamount to torture for both of us.The other spin-off is a great fear that I'm falling behind. Some days I can barely move. I do my best to make sure I get out for at least one walk a day but they're slow and short walks (about 250 meters) and I always come back aching (stomach and back). I feel like I should be doing so much more by now and that I'm going to have even more trouble with loose skin. I already knew loose skin would be an issue for me but I don't think I could have found a better way to make it worse. I want to get going. I want to get moving. I want to be able to touch the floor and wipe my ass without searing pain. (TMI!)
I'm fed up of being in pain and fed up of being a lump. I can't wait for this to be done so that I can move forward in my journey because at the moment, I feel stuck and it's really starting to mess with my mind.
4 days post-op. Still probably overdoing it
May 15, 2011
In bed asleep last night at an unheard of 9:30 pm. God a pretty good night sleep, although the longer stretches leave me waking up very dry and in quite a bit of pain. The CPAP helps dry me right out too and with the diahrrea I've had, I get a little worried about dehydration. I'll probably go back to using my alarm every two hours to keep hydrated for tonight.
I've started sparsing out my pain meds a bit. I'm not into suffering but don't care for narcotics either so I only take them if the pain really kicks in. So far, I had one at 3 o'clock this afternoon after being extremely active all day. I woke up at 7 o'clock. I went for a walk. I got some clean laundry put away and the dirty stuff downstairs. I had a visit from my angel Pheona, who had some great news of her own to share, as well as tons of wisdom. We went for a walk together.
We cut up a bag of carrots, a head of cauliflower and a head of celery and made some homemade veggie soup as well as getting some snackables ready in the fridge for my son for the week. Also cut up and packaged a couple of blocks of cheese and got the soup split up and into the fridge/freezer. Had the brilliant idea to pour some cottage cheese and milk into the soup before I pureed it to up the protein content. It's TOO good!
Made my son two meals today, some of the healthiest ever. Managed to get in my 64 oz (plus) of protein today as well as about 8 oz of that delicious soup.
I got the dishwasher loaded and the kitchen cleaned up and I've just about had it. My biggest problem now is that the two hour Desperate Housewives finale is coming on at 9 and I feel like I'm going to be needing a pill but shortly. Chances are I won't make it until 11. Oh well, missing tv is soon to be a "problem" of the past so who cares. Not like they don't play in reruns or on the net or something.
Today was exponentially better than yesterday, pain and energy level wise. I'm hoping I haven't overdone it and that I'll experience the same amount of progress tomorrow.
I've realized my first NSV and not even on purpose: I've been at home all day and awake since 7am, yet I haven't had a nap. Unheard of!!!!! Amazing.
1 comment
I've started sparsing out my pain meds a bit. I'm not into suffering but don't care for narcotics either so I only take them if the pain really kicks in. So far, I had one at 3 o'clock this afternoon after being extremely active all day. I woke up at 7 o'clock. I went for a walk. I got some clean laundry put away and the dirty stuff downstairs. I had a visit from my angel Pheona, who had some great news of her own to share, as well as tons of wisdom. We went for a walk together.
We cut up a bag of carrots, a head of cauliflower and a head of celery and made some homemade veggie soup as well as getting some snackables ready in the fridge for my son for the week. Also cut up and packaged a couple of blocks of cheese and got the soup split up and into the fridge/freezer. Had the brilliant idea to pour some cottage cheese and milk into the soup before I pureed it to up the protein content. It's TOO good!
Made my son two meals today, some of the healthiest ever. Managed to get in my 64 oz (plus) of protein today as well as about 8 oz of that delicious soup.
I got the dishwasher loaded and the kitchen cleaned up and I've just about had it. My biggest problem now is that the two hour Desperate Housewives finale is coming on at 9 and I feel like I'm going to be needing a pill but shortly. Chances are I won't make it until 11. Oh well, missing tv is soon to be a "problem" of the past so who cares. Not like they don't play in reruns or on the net or something.
Today was exponentially better than yesterday, pain and energy level wise. I'm hoping I haven't overdone it and that I'll experience the same amount of progress tomorrow.
I've realized my first NSV and not even on purpose: I've been at home all day and awake since 7am, yet I haven't had a nap. Unheard of!!!!! Amazing.
3-days post-op
May 14, 2011
It was hard to decide whether to title my blog this or "Over-doing it". I got out of hospital yesterday and promptly went to Walmart to make sure I had the healthy/easy to access food for my 8-yr-old. Over an hour later, we were pulling out of there and heading home.
I had a nap yesterday and then went to sleep by 10 o'clock. I finally started passing gas, so I knew relief was on the way. It was tough waking up to an alarm every hour to make sure I took in the liquids I needed. I also got up and walked a wee bit and went to the bathroom every four hours when I needed pain meds.
I overdid it again today. My son had gymnastics across town and although I couldn't drive because of the pain meds, I did go with him. Five hours later, we were coming home and I was exhausted and in pain. The cork finally popped though and I had a bowel movement (more of an explosion!) Am I ever glad I read the advice to "never trust a fart" or I would've had some trouble today for sure.
I went from 0 protein to getting in about 25 mls of protein powder mixed with about 80 mls of 1% milk - three times today. I'm not sure if it's too much for now. I do know that I've still got lots of air/gas and pain but it's probably because of overdoing it more than because of the protein.
Thank you to everyone for the prayers and best wishes and a special thanks to Pheona for all the extra miles.
I'll be back on when I find some energy. For now, it's pain meds, poop (probably) and bedtime.
Godspeed.
2 comments
I had a nap yesterday and then went to sleep by 10 o'clock. I finally started passing gas, so I knew relief was on the way. It was tough waking up to an alarm every hour to make sure I took in the liquids I needed. I also got up and walked a wee bit and went to the bathroom every four hours when I needed pain meds.
I overdid it again today. My son had gymnastics across town and although I couldn't drive because of the pain meds, I did go with him. Five hours later, we were coming home and I was exhausted and in pain. The cork finally popped though and I had a bowel movement (more of an explosion!) Am I ever glad I read the advice to "never trust a fart" or I would've had some trouble today for sure.
I went from 0 protein to getting in about 25 mls of protein powder mixed with about 80 mls of 1% milk - three times today. I'm not sure if it's too much for now. I do know that I've still got lots of air/gas and pain but it's probably because of overdoing it more than because of the protein.
Thank you to everyone for the prayers and best wishes and a special thanks to Pheona for all the extra miles.
I'll be back on when I find some energy. For now, it's pain meds, poop (probably) and bedtime.
Godspeed.
